Who the hell am I??

Lately I have been thinking hard about my identity as a lesbian.

(Ellen is the soft tomboy type lesbian I consider myself to be)

Tomorrow I am throwing an 80's Christmas party. Everyone is going to dress up like the 80's. I, of course, chose to dress up more like a boy. I say boy because it sounds softer than man. For some reason I was more excited to dress up as a "boy" on Halloween because I was a "gay boy" which = softer. Tomorrow I am dressing like a "boy" from a new wave band. Think black shirt, white tie, black jacket, black & white converse sneakers and lots of makeup.

The makeup part is the part I am looking most forward to. It is extremely important to me that I appear soft and not butch. Why? Just because.
What type lesbian am I???? YES, I am a FEMME TOMBOY. I enjoy short, yet girlish haircuts. I enjoy boy, yet feminine, clothes. I could never wear makeup on a daily basis (eyeliner, mascara etc.,), I would feel in drag in (most) lingerie and forget nail polish.

(Daniela Sea is one of the few woman role models I have, not because she played a man on L Word, but because she is very soft/feminine while being boyish too).

(I would love to be shaped like this, but I have a completely different body type. Curvy and feminine.)

(I love how they compare Daniela to Zac Effron. I would much prefer to be compared to a feminine looking boy then a woman.)

With that said I prefer girly ties to manly ties. I hate the thought of tucking in "my" shirt because I feel "butchier" that way. I don't have a manly personality. I have an extremely girly personality.

(For some reason I would feel more comfortable wearing my pink tie and having my stomach shown like this than my white tie and a shirt tucked in.)

WTF?

I think I am a gay boy that loves women!?!?!

Putting it blunt (remember this is a BLOG and it's all about honesty --- if you don't want to read something blunt stop reading...like...now).......the only thing "boyish" about me, besides my shortish hair and clothes, which, let's be honest, is quite girly, is what I prefer sexually.

I will leave it at that. Ugh, why??? I should be blunt. See, I prefer certain things sexually with my partner one would consider more manly, but love when my partner takes more of an aggressive role too.
Make sense? ;)
I have a gay boy outer shell, a more boyish desire sexually and a very feminine/girlish personality.


Ahh. There it is.

It is like a mix of Ellen Degeneres meets Daniela Sea (Max from "The L Word") with a sprinkle of Betty Crocker/1940's house wife and numerous guys such as Emile Hirsch and Adam Lambert.

Fuck.

I'm confused.


All I know is I don't identify with masculine woman or feminine woman.


I would guess that the term "femme tomboy" pretty much means gay boy stuck in a lesbian's body.


Okay. I'll stick with Femme Tomboy.

So tomorrow while I am sporting my tie, I will be most excited about my makeup and my "tomboy femme" girlfriend (dressing up like Jud Nelson from Breakfast Club), tugging at my tie and flirting with me in the way only she can and looking forward to the truth that lies behind the bedroom door.