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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Back to December

And does it get any better than this?

Amazing.

I Wanna Go

I. Love. This. Song. So. Much.

Just sayin....

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Relaxation!

I am so looking forward to my review of Spruce Point Inn Resort & Spa in Boothbay Harbor, Maine today. The best part is I get to take my dog, Reed! :)


Camera? Check! Books? Check! Loved ones? Check! Much needed.


I can't believe the 4th of July weekend is already here! My absolute favorite. I am looking forward to the beach, fireworks, a cookout and celebrating up near Lake Winnipesaukee in Meredith, NH.


Last year I was in Washington, DC and the heat was so suffocating that it was nearly impossible to be outside during the day. I did manage to see fireworks at night, but most of that weekend was spent watching Cake Boss re-runs at the Holiday Inn...lol. But hey, it was all good!


I wonder what next year's 4th of July will bring? :)


-Des

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Validation




Validation is a good thing.

I was on one of the Borderline Personality Disorder boards and came across this letter someone wrote and I was amazed at how much it hit home!!!

Let me also add how amazesd I am at "the seduction", "clingy" and "hater" stages I have learned about.

"I Hate You, Don' Leave Me." and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." have been two of the best books I've ever read. Period.

Sigh.....It does break my heart though because even when a person with BPD does have someone they love and loves them back, they will ultimately sabatoge it and keep repeating the same patterns.

Love, TRUE love, is NOT EASY to find. So many people with BPD just toss it away when the feelings become too overpowering or the person doesn't live up to their unrealistic expectations.

Feeling loved and being loved are two very different things. I feel loved when my dog jumps up on me, but to BE loved is to be BE loved through good --- and bad. To not abandon someone. I am loved when I see my dog running to me, in a crowd of people ---- I am who he really feels close to, I am his "mom". THAT is love. He may play with other people in the group, lick their faces, run after a toy ------ and that may make someone FEEL LOVED, but in the end, he wants to be next to me -- he chooses me. That is BEING loved.

Anyway ---- interesting letter from the message board.....


Re: Today is a bad day......

 
Susan,

we obviously have very similar situations.

I feel that my BPD ex (subconsciously at least) does not mind the obvious power

he has over me now - he sees that I'm devastated and feeling awful, and all

because of him, I think it empowers him and on some level makes him feel good in

a perverse way because during all our years he was feeling inadequate and not

"up to me", even though I made it clear million times that I loved him and chose

to stay with him and wanted him etc etc. So now he has the upper hand, and has a

very obvious proof (my love, care and dedication during years were apparently

not enough) that I care for him and that he's wanted.





> My BPD ex is living a role right now where I don't exist. That's how she's

able to move on so quickly, like your ex. That's how they're able to give us

breakup "advice." They simply are not going to let themselves be hurt by this.

They will thrive.



This is so true. That is what hurts me enormously. I am erased from that life -

and how could I erase him?? How could I erase 10 years of my life? He's

everywhere I go, he's with me whatever I do, because he was the big part of my

life. I cannot forget that overnight.

They compartmentalize - put us (and others) in a different "folder" and that's

it. You're not my partner anymore, and that's it. Moved on.

But the fact that we cannot do that only means that we are emotionally sane and

functioning, and those are normal reaction to a big loss. We feel negated as

persons. And all our efforts to be with those people seem wasted. It hurts.

But grief as any emotion has its course and at some point it recedes, so I am

counting on that. I know it can take a long time though.



My ex also had a bad childhood. I met his parents (divorced) and when you see

how they are it's not hard to imagine how they could screw up their kids (they

did, royally). From what he told me how he was treated and how his parents

treated each other, it makes sense that he has learned how to survive by taking

himself out of the situation mentally and emotionally.

He's admitting that his parents "screwed him up" in many ways and is resentful

about it, but he's denying the real problem - his BPD. He thinks he's only ADD

person and that's it.

I am so tempted to talk to him about BPD, but I'm afraid it could just make

things worse and not amount to anything.



Of course, I too am longing to be able to say "FUCK YOU" when he starts with his

ego trips and dismissing everything that pertains to myself and not care

anymore. I hope I will be able to at some point.



I understand a lot about him and about myself. I know all the theory why things

happened and why I feel the way I feel now, and what I should do... I am trying.

I write about it here. Even if I am repeating the same things, it's doing

something...



I am sure that it's possible to overcome this and still have happiness in our

lives.



all the best to you S! and all of us here...

Monday, June 27, 2011

My Life

Someone on http://www.bpdfamily.com/ posted this article and it made my heart stop.

Below is what I believe to be one of the best explanations of BPD behavior and


it's cause: by Richard Skerritt



Abandonment/Vulnerability



The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is

usually called abandonment/ engulfment. It's described well in Stop Walking on

Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.



I've been split into oblivion by two women I've gotten close to, and I

struggled to understand the dynamic. Both women ended their relationship with me

by simply acting as if I didn't exist, presumably because they had connected

me with some prior, very painful experience. It's a coping mechanism that

protects them from anything or anyone that reminds them of memories that are too

painful to deal with.



In trying to understand these experiences, I took a little different view.

I've been influenced by an interesting book: Struggle for... Intimacy by

Woititz (p 163).



Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs, and other unlucky souls were abandoned as children. Not

that they were left on the steps of an orphanage - that would have been much

preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When they needed

love and support from their parents, their parents were right there to NOT give

it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and explicitly,

that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems in their

families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling that they are

terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for them. To protect

themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of very proper and

attractive behavior so that others won't see how awful they are.



So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false

facade. They don't realize that you actually see their flaws. They are

terrified that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful person

they are. Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their

parents did. They struggle to make the mask perfect, but it can't be done. At

some point, some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.



Well, the games up; you now know how faulty they are. All you have to do is

not fall over yourself reassuring them, and that's proof positive that

you're outta there. They're going to freak out and all kinds of strange

behavior will emerge.



One way they might react is projection: There seems to be a problem here. It

can't possibly be me. Therefore it must be you. And since you have a

problem bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as

your problem, too. You're gonna catch it for that.



Or, you may be hoovered (sucked back in, á la the vacuum cleaner) with all

their might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or

they may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to them, to

the point of threatening suicide.



Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the

standard engulfment idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in

terms of vulnerability. Let's explore the childhood experience again. Here you

have a child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally to

her parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or physical

attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her

vulnerability to anyone else.



Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as an adult, she may

eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She wants

loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high alert for

attack. After all, this is all she's ever known.



Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way, or do something else that triggers

her connection to painful memories. Well, her parents always did that. To her,

this feels like a sure sign that you are secretly planning to attack.



Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had to

go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through you

now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is

overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so

frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil

torturers that she had to live with as a child. It's not that she thinks

you're like them. She's not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As

I like to say:emotion overwhelms cognition.



Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern. Her fears

were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You might

even be split right out of existence - simply become a non-entity. After all,

that will at least make her safe.



So I like to think of it as abandonment/ vulnerability. Her self-loathing leads

her to be sure you'll want to abandon her as soon as you see through her. Her

experience of being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending attack

when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and she will push you away to stay

safe.



Don't leave me; you're terrible - the two edges of the BP sword.





Sent from my iPad

Tracy Brothers

Technicolor


It's funny what a broken heart can do for your health. It can make you feel like you got punched in the heart (with a metal boxing glove). It can make you feel like you have a tight belt wrapped around your chest. It can make your skin break out like a teenager. It can make your hands shake. It can make your eyes burn. Your head throb.

It can also make you see things clearer

It can make you lose weight --- quickly.

It can make you realize you're actually just as strong as superwoman.

It can make you realize you are resilient.

It can make you smarter.

It makes life feel almost in technicolor when the grey area starts to fade.

My tears have washed away the grey.

Today my feelings are in ---- technicolor.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

My Angel

Love. Pure and simple.



Friday, June 24, 2011

Finding more strength

These are almost too painful for me to watch but speak volumes.



A Little Bit Stronger

I dedicate this song to myself and to all the family & friends who have stood by me and continue to support me.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Miraculous

Something miraculous happened yesterday. I became empowered. Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

You know that moment when you finally figure someone or something out?

I reached that moment yesterday.

I'll always remember that precise moment, walking my dog in the rain, when it truly clicked....and all I can say is, "Thank you God." Thank you for allowing me to feel every emotion that comes with truly living. The good, the bad, the scary, but mostly thank you for my honesty. Thank you for allowing me to feel empathy and sympathy...and knowing when to admit I was wrong, but also knowing when to defend my character.

I know how to truly love (oyie, do I).

I know how to truly hurt (son of a.....)

And I am learning, that I know how to truly heal (deep breath)


kar·ma/ˈkärmə/Noun


1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) The sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

2. Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.
 
 
Be nice everyone.
 
-Des

Thursday, June 16, 2011

My life (part 2)

Please take the time to read this. There may be someone in your life suffering with this disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Poorly Regulated Emotions.

Mood Swings and Poorly Regulated Emotions

A number of experts in the field believe that difficulty in regulating emotions is the driving force behind many of the other symptoms of borderline disorder. If you have borderline disorder, your emotions may change quickly and you may find it difficult to accurately perceive and express your emotional responses, especially to an unpleasant event. Most often, you may overreact emotionally. However, at other responses one would anticipate from the average person, only to be followed by hyperemotional reactions at a later time. Here are the major symptom indicators of poorly regulated emotions.

The emotions of people with borderline disorder are often very unstable and undergo rapid changes that they have difficulty controlling. This is referred to as emotional liability. These labile emotions can include negative feelings of  anxiety, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, and depression. Less often, these emotions can also include positive feelings such as happiness, joy, enthusiasm, and love. Your emotions fluctuate quickly from feeling good to feeling bad, sometimes for reasons that are obvious to you, but at other times for causes that are not apparent. Because of these rapid fluctuations in mood, and because you are more likely to develop feelings of depression and episodes of major depressive disorder, than people who do not have borderline disorder, at some point you may have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder or complex post traumatic stress disorder.

Your feelings may also be hyperreactive, that is, you may seriously overreact emotionally to some situations. For example, you may become very upset over criticisms, separations, or disagreements that other people seem to take in stride. Such events may cause a wave of anxiety, sadness, anger, and desperation. In addition, you may find that you have greater difficulty calming down your emotions and soothing yourself by focusing on reassuring thoughts or by engaging in usually pleasant activities. During these periods of sever hyperemotionality, or "emotional storms", as they're called, you may feel so desperate that you turn to alcohol or drugs for relief, lash out in anger or rage, or engage in other destructive behaviors.

Recent research also suggests that people with borderline disorder have more difficulty in accurately identifying the emotional responses of other people and in balancing mixed feelings, and have more intense responses to the negative emotions of others than people who do not have the disorder. Emotions do not return to their normal level as quickly as someone without the disorder.

You may also be hypersensitive to the real or perceived negative behaviors of others toward you, always on the lookout for the slight frown, raised eyebrow, or minor change in a person's tone of voice that indicates they are irritated or angry with you. When you believe you detect such critical reactions, no matter how subtle, your response may often be way out of proportion to the situation. You may feel anxiety, self-recrimination, and anger that are simply not warranted under the circumstances. You may be vaguely aware that you are overreacting, but the feelings are just too real and too strong to ignore.

Inappropriate Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger

Poorly controlled anger is very common and causes significant problems in people with borderline disorder. You may feel irritable and angry much of the time, and often can be argumentative, quick-tempered and sarcastic. You may even become furious, sometimes enraged, in circumstances that do not warrant such a response. The slightest event or exchange can result in an angry, often cruel, outburst. You may then say and do things that are very destructive, and later regret that you did so. Recent research has show that people with borderline disorder have greater changes in anger and depression than other people, and that they may fluctuate between anger and anxiety more readily as well.

You may realize in the midst of your rages that you are overreacting, but seem unable to control the strong emotions that are sweeping over you. As one patient put it, "I know my husband does not deserve all the anger and abuse I put upon him, but he's the one around most of the time. I don't seem to be able to control the anger. At the time, I think he deserves it - so he gets it." Your family, your spouse if you are married, and others close to you have learned that they must be very careful about what they say or do. Many say "It's like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I never know what I will do to cause her (or him) to blow up." This apprehensiveness on the part of your family can result in persistent low level of tension in your home. Since you may be very sensitive to the negative feelings of others, this can make an already tense living situation even worse.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Another strong feeling you may experience is a sense of persistent emptiness. This sense of emptiness is often accompanied by feelings of boredom and loneliness. In turn, these feelings may lead to dissatisfaction with the people in your life, and with your life in general. Dissatisfied with your life, you may be prone to change friends, jobs, engage in brief affairs and even end long term relationships. For a time, these changes can feel very exciting and temporarily relieve the emptiness, loneliness, and boredom. However, the feelings return after a while and the life patterns of inconstancy repeat themselves. One young patient told me recently, during our initial meeting, that these feelings of emptiness and boredom were so strong that she felt as if she had a big hole inside her that wouldn't go away. It did diminish when she was involved in a new relationship with a young man, at least for a while, then would return in full force when they fought or when she decided to leave him because of the hypersensitivity to his responses. She added that, when severe, this feeling was so emotionally painful she would almost do anything to relieve it, even cut or burn herself, although the emotional pain always returned shortly thereafter.

Another patient told me early in her treatment that when she felt empty and bored for a long period, she would leave her husband without notice and travel to another city. There she would see a former teacher for a brief two-or-three day affair, then go back to her husband. Although she temporarily felt excited, desired, and satisfied by these escapades she dreaded having to deal with her husband about her absences. Nonetheless, the pattern continued until she was able to understand the nature of the feelings and the life situations that triggered this behavior, then to take measures to gain control over it. Fortunately, her husband was able to tolerate the behavior until she was able to develop alternative and much more effective responses to the emptiness and boredom she often felt.

Impulsivity

The tendency toward impulsive, self-damaging behavior is so common and so strong in people with borderline disorder that some experts in the field consider it the most important problem in the disorder. They believe it is more important than the symptoms of emotional instability and impaired reasoning, because impulsivity appears to be the best predictor of the long-term outcome of the disorder. Those people with borderline disorder who are very impulsive tend to have a much worse prognosis than those who are not as impulsive. Research suggests that impulsivity in people with borderline disorder is the result of an imbalance between those neural systems (nerve cell pathways that control specific behaviors) that regulate emotions, impulse control, and reasoning. Research has also show that impulsive behavior is present to some degree in most people with borderline disorder. Following are the major groups of symptoms within the broad category of impulsivity.

Impulsive Behaviors that Harm You

If you have borderline disorder, there are many ways that you could behave impulsively, such as binge eating and spending money recklessly on clothes or other items. You may also engage in other more serious impulsive acts like excessive drinking, sexual promiscuity, violent, aggressive acts or uncontrollable outbursts of rage.

In general, impulsive behaviors often follow episodes of emotional storms and disruptions in close relationships, especially real or threatened abandonment. They also appear to be more common in people with borderline disorder who have been physically or sexually abused as children. In order to fit this particular diagnostic criterion, you need to exhibit impulsive behavior in at least two of the self-destructive ways mentioned above.

Suicidal Behavior, Gestures, Threats, or Self-Mutilating Behavior

This is a particular striking group of impulsive symptoms that occurs among many, but by no means all, people with borderline disorder. They are referred to as parasuicidal acts. The severity of these behaviors ranges from very serious acts that may be life-threatening, to threats that often attempts to control a situation, gain attention, or seek help. You may do these things in a desperate attempt to have someone take care of you, or to "get even" with them, or to get your way. More often, you may hurt yourself in order to help reduce the emotional pain you frequently feel when it reaches an intolerable level.

Munchausen's Syndrome

A very striking and serious form of self-injurious behavior that may occur in people with borderline disorder is Munchausen's Syndrome, also known as factitious illness. People with this disorder hurt themselves intentionally, but in a way that looks like a bonafide medical problem.

Impaired Perception and Reasoning

People with borderline disorder often say they have difficulty with their memory; especially under stress. You may also misperceive experiences, expecting the worst from others, even when nothing negative is intended. You may have difficulty with your concentration, and with organizing your thoughts and behaviors. You may not be able to think a complex problem through adequately and determine reasonable alternative, and the consequences of these alternatives. These difficulties with the perception of important events, thinking, and reasoning may result in faulty decisions that could have highly detrimental consequences.

It is not surprising that you may have difficulty in participating in reasonable conversations to solve problems when you are in a hyperemotional state, or to remember accurately the content of these situations afterward. In other words, emotional hyperreactivity often gets in the way of normal reasoning in social or interpersonal situations. This difficulty in social reasoning seriously impairs the learning and developing skills you need to have mature, successful, and sustained personal relationships.

Brief Episodes of Paranoid Thinking

Research shows that people with borderline disorder are more likely to expect others to behave badly toward them than people without the disorder. When exposed to severe stress (usually criticism), or imagined (or real) abandonment, when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or when treated with certain classes of stimulants such as amphetamine, or with certain antidepressants, some people with borderline disorder become very suspicious and have difficulty thinking rationally. Brief episodes of paranoid thinking may occur, when they falsely believe that others are planning harm against them. Hallucinations, such as hearing strange voices, music, or other sounds is also common.

Dissociative Symptoms

You may notice that there are periods of time during which you can't recall what you said or did. These are called dissociative episodes. At their extreme, dissociative episodes can be so severe that the person actually splits off part of their feelings, thinking, and behavior, and temporarily creates one or more separate personalities. When this occurs, it's referred to as multiple personality disorder. Multiple personality disorder is experienced by an unknown percentage of people with borderline disorder.

Magical Thinking

In addition, you may have odd thoughts, such as unrealistic and magical thinking. Magical thinking is the use of highly unrealistic thoughts to solve current emotional distress in your life. For example, you may believe that someone you will become a successful architect and design your first building in less than a year, even before graduating college. You may also believe you have a sixth sense or are even clairvoyant.

Depersonalization

You may have episodes of depersonalization during which you feel unreal, as if in a dream, and strangely detached from the world, or outside your body. You may feel numb or hollow.

Unstable Self-Image or Sense of Self

You may often feel that you have little self-worth, and that your self-concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to you. If they seem loving & attentive, you feel good about yourself. But their criticisms may cause you great anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and despair. Regardless of what you have accomplished, it doesn't seem to counterbalance the opinions of others. In other words, you may feel as if you have little self-esteem, that your esteem is almost totally dependent on others.

You may often feel unsure of who you really area, what values you truly believe, what career you should truly pursue, what causes you should support. You may have difficulty feeling "centered", and in developing a constancy of purpose in your life that serves to stabilize and to give integrity and predictability to your peace of mind and behavior. As one patient put it, "I feel as if I too easily adopt the characteristics of the people I am with. I am desperate that they like me. I adopt mannerisms, their way of speaking, and their attitudes, even the ones that I don't usually agree with. Other people's opinions of me are much more important to me than my own opinions and convictions. I feel as if I have an emptiness inside of me that only other people can fill."

However, there may be times when you swing to the other extreme. Then, you may be very critical, inflexible, and dogmatic about certain beliefs, to the point that you offend people around you. As a result of these difficulties, it's understandable that you may do better in stable, highly structured situations, especially with people whose behaviors and personal values are solid and stable.

Marked Disturbed Relationships

Given the above information, it's not surprising that your life may be marked by tumultuous relationships. Usually, the closer the relationship you have, the greater the turmoil. During childhood and early adolescence, the major problems in relationships usually occur with parents, other family members, teachers and friends. Later in life difficulties occur with boyfriends or girlfriends and, in adulthood, with spouses, children, co-workers, and employers.

A Pattern of Unstable and Intense Personal Relationships

You may have noticed that you fluctuate dramatically and quickly in your feelings and attitudes toward those people who are very important to you. At times, you may perceive someone to be more wonderful than anyone could reasonably be; capable of making you feel happy, safe, important, and alive under any circumstance. In other words, you unrealistically overvalue and idealize this person who is so central to your sense of well being. You may find that you cling almost desperately, to these people and worry continually that they will leave you.

Of course, no one is able to live up to these unrealistic standards for very long. Then, disappointed that the relationship cannot stabilize YOUR feelings and life, you may have an abrupt change in attitude that moves too far in the other direction. For example, after a small slight, you may perceive the other person to be uncaring, unsupportive, selfish, and even punitive, to a much greater degree than is actually the case. In doing so, you devalue the importance of that person, finding fault with them at every turn. You won't be able to tolerate this situation for very long, so you may abruptly swing back to the other extreme, only to find the cycle repeats itself, over and over, until you push this person away, often regrettably.

A Black-and-White Life

Many people with borderline disorder report that they see themselves, other people, and the world in general as black or white, as good or bad, and they have great difficulty in dealing effectively with the gray areas of relationships. These gray areas, of course, constitute the vast majority of human interactions. You may have a hard time accurately weighing positive characteristics and behaviors against ones that you don't like, in part because you often over-respond emotionally to negative actions, and also because of your difficulty in social reasoning.

Consequently, it may be quite difficult for you to reach a well-balanced and reasonably integrated opinion about people, especially those important to you. This makes it difficult for you to deal with important relationships in positive ways that enable you to adapt well to the reasonable frailties of other people. It follows naturally that you may also find it difficult to determine effective ways to have others adapt well to your own shortcomings. To some degree, this may be because, when you're symptomatic, you believe unrealistically that your difficulties are mainly the result of the behaviors of other people, not your own.


::That's it .......I can't write anymore tonight::

-Des

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Life

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves


Article: Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.

Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

  • Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase
At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.
In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her.
It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.
Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

  • Love: The Clinger Phase
Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.
The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.
Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.
The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.
But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder regularly misunderstand inner feelings mixing them up with the emotion of the moment. They have a difficult time knowing the difference between LOVE, IN LOVE and SEX. They will make rush decisions only to regret them, but their narcissistic nature would almost make them "eat their nose" before admitting this.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness and should be treated as the pattern will keep repeating itself.

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