My Life Story

THE FEMME TOMBOY

I find myself always searching for that witty intro that will attract the reader and hold their interest. Hopefully this did just that? ;-)

One thing you will come to know about me is I love to "talk" which translates to "write" on this blog. I am not great with grammar. Sorry. I am from Rhode Island. I am hoping you will excuse me based on this one fact. I will be as honest as humanely possible. Too bad I can't win $500,000 for that buuuuut maybe the producers of 'Moment of Truth' will read this and ask me to their show. I have so much to say I am going to break it down into segments. I wasn't kidding when I said I like to "talk". It's not every day that you are asked to "talk" about yourself. True, I may be the only audience, but this is interesting to me as I haven't truly reflected in awhile.

Let the blog begin!

Basics: I am a 35 year old, Italian, lesbian born June 3, 1976. This makes me a Gemini. A title I proudly wear.



Gemini: You are very optimistic, inquisitive, intelligent and full of energy. You need a vocation that keeps your interest piqued and keeps you going, such as a travel guide, nature explorer or a sales position where travel is required.

I am very emotional, excitable and believe in truly LIVING life. Enjoying life. I am an advocate for spreading kindness. I am a travel agent. I run an internet based travel agency called Out and About Travel (http://www.gaytravelpros.com/). I started this business back in 1999 when I was 23 years old.

I am not yet financially rich, but I am rich in many ways. I am my own boss. I travel when/where I want at hugely discounted prices. I very rarely get stuck in traffic. I make my own hours. I have 100% creative control. I earn a living at what I do. Most importantly I am completely passionate and in love with my job. Did I mention I am my own boss? :-)

I absolutely love to travel. I am all about the "Great American Road Trip". This sets me apart from other travel agents as to many, I am not as "worldly" as those who have been to Europe, Africa, Australia etc, Yes, I have not traveled "the world" just yet, but I have traveled throughout much of America.



I have driven through the snowy northeast, the farm lands of the great plains, the beach towns of the southeast, the desserts of the southwest and the mountains of the west. I have swam in Florida water so emerald green & turquoise I swore I was on some small island in French Polynesia. I've walked on snow white sand cool to the touch. I have driven the world's tallest paved road. Walked past tundras. I have crossed the continental divide and the midway point to the north pole. I have driven through the dessert at tempertures surpassing 120 degrees. I have seen it snow in July. I have seen ghostly blue lights dance their way across adobe buildings. I have experienced thunder so abrubpt it shook my car. I have been to the world's largest honky tonk and seen Monument Valley. I've seen it rain over the Grand Canyon and lightning in Vegas. I've seen the world's largest bat colony and have been to the music capital of the world. I've been to Graceland. I've been to the White House and Times Square. I've seen the Adirondacks, Smokey Mountains, Rocky Mountains and most other National Parks. I've been to authentic BBQ restaurants, motercycle bars, seafood shacks, beach bars and 5-star restaurants. I've seen a concert at Red Rocks under a quarter moon. I've seen fireworks over Destin Bay. I've been to Quebec City in the Fall. Montreal in the Summer and Mont Tremblant in the winter. My life has been much like Johnny Cash's song "I've Been Everywhere". I've been quite blessed thus far.

Beside travel I am passionate about playing guitar. I have been playing since age 11. I love all kinds of music especially country, southern rock, folk-rock, alternative and dance/pop. Some of my favorite groups include: Indigo Girls, The Ditty Bops, Jimmy Buffett, Alison Krauss, Girlyman, 3 Doors Down, The Killers, Weezer, Dierks Bentley, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, George Strait, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Hana-McEuen, Dixie Chicks, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and yes, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Timberland, Sean Paul etc., -- I think you get the idea! ;-) LOL!

I love to write my own songs (many silly). I am not a singer but I enjoy singing. 

I love photography. I love reading. I love going to concerts. I love dining out. I love being near the ocean. I love being near the snow. I love big storms and have always dreamed of going on one of those tornado-chasing tours (seriously..lol). At one point I wanted to be a meteorologist.


With all this said, what I stand for, above all other things is --- kindness. Am I the nicest person in the world? By far, no! I am human. We all are, but I do make a conscious effort to respect everyone around me and be kind. Some people brag about their crankiness and they dry-senses of humor or the fact that they just aren't happy. I am going to brag about my desire and need for kindness. Maybe it is because I was faced with so much un-kindness in life that I feel so passionate about this.

I want people to be kind to me. I need it. My mother, and I think all mothers (or parents, grandparents, best friends etc.,) always say - "Not everyone is going to like you in this life." and yeah, that may be true, but I could wish, right? I could strive for that.

There are so many people out there that are ready to knock you down. Rain on your parade. Shower you with negativity. I call these the "black cape" people. I think we need more "red cape" people. Those that make eye contact and smile. Those unafraid to give compliments. To help out. To simply -- be nice. How good does it feel when someone catches your eye, smiles and says hello or compliments that shirt you have on or hair cut? How nice does it feel when someone laughs at your jokes or helps you with your chores? Don't you want to GIVE THAT BACK? I know I do.

In society's eyes I am not the perfect weight. I am 5'6'ish and size 12. I don't have the perfect skin. I don't have acne but I get random break-outs that make me want to put a brown bag over my face. For many years I didn't have the best smile. I had several gaps that caused me to cover my mouth each time I smiled. It wasn't until I turned 30 that I finally had the courage to fix this. I have ample breasts and olive skin. I am a tom boy with a gay boy personality. I am not butch. I am not femme. I am in between. Average. I have been average with most things my entire life. The one area I have no problem saying I excel in - is human kindness. I do have limitations though. In my heart I want to be helping Habitat for Humanity and the American Redcross, but I currently battle "on and off again" bought's of anxiety and "slight" social-phobia. It hinders me - and I am working on it. I am so much better than when I was in my 20's. I wish I was a (traveling) psychologist or (traveling) teacher. I want to help people. I crave it. Maybe this will become Desiree 2.0. There is so much I have left in me to give.

I yell. I get mad. I get impatient. I get frustrated. Again, I am human. But the core of who I am craves to give kindness and receive kindness. Back to that...

My whole life I have been faced with unkindness. Yes, we all have, but my skin is quite thin when it comes to this.Childhood: called fat, had kids count my zits, had separation anxiety from my mother, had my smile made fun of, very shy and nervous child, always worried about big brother

Adolescence: called gay slurs, called ugly in not so direct terms, had my heart broken for the first time with no explanation, missed my graduation for fear of gay slurs, missed relationship with brother due to him being in jail, lost first pet (my dog frosty), had vulgarity screamed to me from my father, had vulgarity screamed to me from my mother (un gay related on both accounts) - became very anxious - sick all the time - dizzy

My 20's: weight gain, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) at full peak, spent literally hours a day in bathroom, lost friends, only made it through 3 years of college - barely remembering any of it - called more gay slurs, asked by children if I was a "boy or a girl", called derogatory names from my mother, lost contact with my father for 10 years (best 10 years of my life - sarcasm intended), had to live through my mother's cancer diagnosis (she is 100% better now), lost my aunt who was like a 2nd mother to me, claimed bankruptcy, had on-and-off urinary tract infections and a bladder infection that lasted a year - for the first time in my life I wished I "wasn't here" - never felt such loneliness and despair - hopelessness - disappointed in myself - not enough encouragement around me or within myself

My 30's (current): financial issues, skin issues, "slight" social phobia issues - but much, much better than my other 29 years on earth.

Okay, so the above ONLY focused on the negativity so here is the positive side of the above.
Childhood: big family, loving mother, loving aunt, close to brother, close to grandmother, close to cousins, good in school, very outgoing, into acting/putting on shows, loved music, laughed a lot, close to teaches, good friends, won trip to Walt Disney World - first love affair with travel, fun family events/holidays, Sundays with family, church going, loved to pray, believed in prayer, loved MTV, roller skating, bike riding, writing, homework (for real), making home videos, pretending to be a "rock star", best friends with Kerissa, best friends with my mom & aunt, excited about everything, loved parties, loved rock & pop magazines, into heavy metal, into all kinds of music, loved debbie gibson, tiffany, new kids on the block, def leppard, poison, cinderella and indigo girls - met what would become my favorite teacher and role model, rayleen giannotti (now sister rayleen giannotti), won numerous school awards, loved life, always happy, hopeful, entertainer - on the go



Adolescence: outgoing, started grrl-band in La Salle (played guitar), cut hair - finally found own style (alternative/tomboyish), fell in love for the first time, tons of friends, very active, first jobs, good grades, in campus ministry, on band tech, involved with theatre tech, skinny, silly, hopeful, independent, admired, learned that kindness is #1 quality I find attractive in others, into alternative music, indigo girls, melissa etheridge, sarah McLaughlin, 95.5 WBRU, went to buy a pair of combat boots with my mother, hung up "the east side" / Thayer Street all the time, got my baby silky terrier speck, genuinely happy even through any tough times.

My 20's: went to college for 3 years, met a wonderful partner (April) I would spend the next 10 years with, started traveling, fell deeply in love with travel, found my passion in life/work - travel, started my own business - out & about travel, TRAVEL - TRAVEL - TRAVEL, "came out" officially, worked in Boston, learned how to promote myself on the internet, designing a web site, start a business with pratically ZERO dollars, read every travel book known to man, wrote songs for the first time, worked on my guitar skills, became closer to my mother, met my 2nd mama Elizabeth, fell in love with cats, welcomed ms. schmitty, thumpy, mitzy, mr. fajizzles and bing cherrie into my life - traveled internationally for the first time, got into photography, learned what it meant to be "peaceful" and "respected", found inner strength I thought I never had, believed in the power of prayer - again, learned to always "get up" if knocked down, realized what matters most to me isn't something you can "buy" but LIVE -- I love experiencing this world of ours - fell in love with the United States - I am talking head-over-heals love.

MY 30's

My beautiful partner, Jennifer

Like they say, 3rd times a charm! ;) Perfection! <3

Beautiful

(Current): Ended 10 year relationship with April on positive terms, Fell in TRUE, complete, passionate love with the most beautiful person on the outside and inside (Jennifer Walsh), finally happy with body, became a godmother....

Found courage I never knew I had (to the average person the following might not seem like a big deal but to me these things are huge: went to dentist to finally fix gaps, flew by myself, drove - by myself- over bridges, went to a frat party (awful as expected), socialized on large scales, met and interacted with another big Italian family, other than mine, for the first time, worked outside my "home office" for the first time in almost 10 years, socialized, socialized, socialized). Became more physically and mentally healthy. Merged company with Liberty Travel for about a year. Became self-employed again. Got over my phone phobia. Came to a deep realization that I need to give back. Give love back. Give kindness back. Realized I want to be a parent. I want to have a big family.

I neeeeeeed to give love. I want to be successful at what I do - if not rich - feel a deep satisfaction inside. Realize I have zero tolerance for unkindness. At 35 I feel more soulful. I realize what matters above everything in this world is family, friends and inner peace. I now know my life is just beginning. There is a long road ahead of me and now is my time to make my wants/desires/dreams happen. I have learned to let go of toxic relationships. I know my morals. I know, deep inside, I am truly a good person and surround myself with good people. Not perfect - too boring - good, kind-hearted people. I demand respect. I give respect. I am a work in progress and on the happiness scale I am getting closer and closer.

I have learned there are things I am unwilling to compromise and that is to be treated as I treat others. I want what I give. I have self-respect and it feels good. I want my fair "slice of the pie." I am a hard worker and this is the decade I reap the rewards. I refuse to settle. Dare I say I have some "hope" again?

Okay, so that is THAT. Am I done? LOL! Nope. I told you this was going to be long. This is almost like a "cleansing". How people do their spring cleaning. This is mine! :-)


PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE: Okay so we've all heard someone say, "We can die at anytime"! I could die now. And now. All I want out of life is a feeling of satisfaction knowing I did and gave enough of myself. That I, somehow made a difference. Most people want this. I do not believe in the WORK, WORK, WORK, DIE philosophy. I also don't believe in the BEACH BUM philosophy (Jimmy Buffett is far from being a bum people...lol). I believe in the FAMILY FIRST, LOVE FIRST - WORK SECOND philosophy. Money does not make you happy. Love and personal connections make you happy. I am a worker. I need to work. It gets my mind going and I love feeling productive. Just because I would like to go from step A to C (skipping B) doesn't make me lazy or not a hard worker. It means I want to "out smart" the competition and reap the rewards the easiest way possible! :-) Nothing wrong with that! I say this because I want more time to ENJOY the rewards. To enjoy living. To enjoy my family and friends. What if you work your entire life away and miss out on all the truly important things? Your baby's first words. Your child's recital. A romantic trip with your partner to Hawaii. Sure, you'll have your "business title" and a huge bank account but your LIFE ACCOUNT will be in the negative. What's more important? Eating at fancy restaurants or at a small shack with your Family on a Friday night? Driving a fancy car or driving a smaller car and having enough money for that family trip to Walt Disney World? It all comes down to what matters most.


I understand in live you can't skip step "B" but for me, "B" will always be lower case "b" - "B" will not BE my life...lol. Wow. That's a mouth full.


My partner and my children will ALWAYS come first. Period. I give this and expect the same in return.


I don't NEED to be financially rich but I DO NEED to be EMOTINALLY rich.


I want to be financially secure and have enough to take care of my family and myself but I don't need the BEST of the BEST. Only the BEST home life if that make sense?


In a perfect world my little gay travel business, Out & About Travel, would catch it's break, it's 15-minutes of fame if you will. I will earn enough money to save and live. Put my mind at ease. Money IS important to some extent - of course. But relationships and LIVING life are more important -- in my opinion. I am not here to IMPRESS the world. I am here to give love and receive love. To enjoy the simple things in life, which are the most important.


I want my mom to be proud of me. My partner to be proud of me. My aunt in heaven to be proud of me. God to be proud of me -- but mostly I want to be proud of myself. I like going to bed at night with a clear conscious.


TURN-OFFS: Rudeness, greed, impatience, "coldness", unsympathetic, no spontaneity, being too serious, uncompassionate, disrespectful, easily annoyed, self-absorption, workaholics, no self of humor, RUDENESS, RUDENESS and RUDENESS.

LIKES: Kindness, gentleness, patience, compassion, generosity, sense of humor, ability to laugh at oneself, fun, excitable, adventurous, spontaneous, artistic, soft, love of life and living, passionate, nurturing, lives in the moment, spiritual, warm, great intuition, family oriented, animal lover, COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION.

Picture I took over Destin Harbor 4th of July 2007

FAVORITE HOLIDAY: 4th of July! Yes, of course I love Christmas and Halloween too, buuuuut there is just something about the 4th of July. It has nothing to do with patriotism..lol. It has to do with - FUN and FAMILY.

Okay, here is what I picture when I think of the 4th of July:

The era of 1976-1983. Think the 'Dukes of Hazzard' era. The first 'Friday the 13th' was out. People wore cut-off jean shorts w/ frays. They drove Camaro's. Def Leppard was a new band. Journey was hot. You are at a 4th of July BBQ. The smell of cut grass mixed with grilled hot-dogs and burgers. The radio is playing 'Wheel in the Sky' by Journey or 'Rhiannon' by Fleetwood Mac. There are American Flags hanging everywhere. Kids playing with sparklers. You have family members hanging out by the pool. Teens with their friends. Some people drinking ice-cold beer and others drinking iced tea. Maybe someone is strumming a guitar. The feeling of peace and family engulfs you. If you are a kid you feel excitement build about the firework show you will be seeing that night. If you are a teen you wonder if you'll kiss your boyfriend or girlfriend at the show. If you are an adult you are happy to be surrounded by such --- happiness and peace. The 4th of July is about BBQ's, family, music, fireworks - happiness. I just love it. I love that whole era. Even though I was born in 1976 -- I can still remember that EXCITEMENT everything once held. The 4th of July barn-fire at the end of our street. Sitting out past midnight watching people light fireworks. Going to my cousins house for a cook-out. I loved that era. Things were so simple - yet exciting. As cliche as that might sound - its true. I want to replicate that. I want to replicate that era in the party's I throw. I want my kids to FEEL THAT EXCITEMENT. Such pure happiness.


ULTIMATE GOAL: To be happy. Sure, I can write rich, married w/ kids and that would be the norm. Of course I WANT THAT, but first my SOUL needs to feel - happy and content. I want to share life with other people who share my outlook and goals. I want to be surrounded by loving, supportive, kind, fun people. I want and need more friends. Do you want to be my friend? I simply want to find that peace inside.


So that is my life in a nutshell! :-) LOL! I figured I had to give some background before starting this, what I hope to be, very personal blog.


Thanks for "listening".


Peace,
Desiree