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Saturday, December 27, 2008

What a nightmare!


Ugh. I had an awful dream last night. I dreamt my top row of teeth were falling out. It was so vivid and scary. I woke up with a dreadful feeling inside and remembered that dreaming of teeth is one of the most common dreams a person can have. I instantly went to the computer and looked up its meaning.

Here is a summery of what I found:


When one dreams of their teeth falling out it can represent feelings of loss of control, helplessness or powerlessness. The dream is typically acting as a mirror of a situation in waking life. Dreams of tooth loss coupled with anxiety reflect a fear of change, fear of transition.


Sometimes tooth loss dreams point to a fear of failure or embarrassment. In waking life, when people lose teeth, they often cover their mouths when talking or smiling. Is there something you want to do but are afraid of undertaking because you fear you'll look foolish if you fail?

Losing teeth in dreams can also point to insecurity about finances. In physical waking life, teeth are what we use to take in sustenance, to keep our bodies fit and nourished, and they are often lost when malnutrition is present. In order to take in nourishment we must be able to 'support' ourselves. Are you worried that you will lose the ability to take care of yourself or are you already not taking care of your needs? Nourishing ourselves comes in many forms, not just our bodily needs--we must nourish our minds, spirits, and hearts as well as our bodies. Is there any aspect of your life that feels like an empty hole?

Tooth loss dreams may also symbolize a fear of abandonment, of being left behind with no recourse. Look at your relationships and see if any of them are leaving you with feelings of insecurity.

A dream about one's teeth falling out usually means and symbolizes that the dreamer is having a hard time or a challenge getting their voice heard, their ideas acknowledged or feelings responded to.

This may be conversations with a particular person such as their partner, boss, or friend; or can be generalized for people who are shy, to include almost everyone they come in contact with. The dreamer needs to brush up on conversational skills, believe in the value of their own opinion, learn how to be less intimidated by aggressive people, and become more assertive and make their voice heard. Once they do that, this dream (which is a common recurring dream) should evolve & show improvement...or disappear altogether.

You communicate your ideas and feelings via your mouth. Those ideas are very important to you when still in your mouth or still not said but once they leave your mouth they are not valued... they are seen as being worthless. One dream meaning to teeth falling out is that you feel your thoughts, emotions and opinions are not being valued or even heard.

Wow.

Very, very interesting.

Everything the dream represents is something I am currently going through.

I recently started therapy and it is getting me to "open my eyes" to a lot of situations in my life. Situations about insecurity, self image and relationships.

I do NOT feel secure about transition. Appearance. Having an empty hole in certain aspects of my life. I do feel unheard. I do have abandonment issues. I do feel insecure about my finances.

Simply amazing.

I warned my mother the other day that Jan-April is going to be a VERY hard time for me. More so than ever. This is the first year I don't have several vacations planned for the winter. Vacations help me succeed at work (I am a travel agent). They help me relax. Breath and enjoy life. It is my passion. I simply can't afford to travel.

I am not the biggest fan of dreary, cold, gray, rainy days and Jan-April brings lots of these. I don't think I am clinically depressed but I do know my body craves the sunshine and warm weather more than ever during this time.

In my brain, there aren't many "good" thoughts going on.

Some things I have to "look forward" to are:

1. Getting my wisdom teeth out / general dentistry work (one of my top fears is the dentist).

2. Getting a 2nd part time job somewhere where I am 99% sure I won't want to be.

3. Not traveling.

4. Recession effecting my travel business.

5. Lack of "secure" finances.

6. Long, cold, dreary winter.

7. General health issues.

I hope this doesn't come across as complaining. I am just writing out the things that consume my thoughts lately. The stresses I wake up and go to bed with. I have never been in a situation like this and feel so alone with it.

Anyway, I will do my best to stay positive and hopefully therapy will give me the strength I need to make the changes that need to be done and get through any tough times ahead.

I am very grateful for therapy, reconnecting with old friends, my family, pets and most importantly, my partner Melanie.

I am not blind to the GOOD that is around me. In the same respect I am not blind to the bad as well. Oyie.

Hopefully my next blog will be waaaaaaaaaay better! ;) ;)



Des

Thursday, December 25, 2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

M.I.A.

So I know I haven't been posting in awhile. I hate that! Sorry! It seems as if any free time I have online lately is spent on Facebook. You can befriend me if you'd like. E-mail travlgrrl@aol.com and I will send my full name! :)

Pretty much the past couple of weeks have been spent finding a new (great) therapist, avoiding the gym (hello Jan 1st), trying to enjoy the Xmas season, wishing for snow (thanks weather gods), shopping, cleaning and dreaming of TRAVEL. Sigh. Sniff. It doesn't look good for travel. I just don't think I can comfortably afford it. I am pretty sure I can do the Mont Tremblant trip to Canada Jan 5-8 but I was hoping for a warm weather getaway, like Florida, for Jan 12-18th. I have credit with JetBlue but barely enough for my ticket. There are lots of great Travel Agent hotel rates available in Orlando and Fort Lauderdale and even Key West. Ugh. I guess I will just have to wait and see what my finances are like (and wisdom teeth) come the beginning of January.

I would give anything to fly down to Florida and spend 3 days in the Florida Keys. Just to feel that warm sunshine and see that turquoise water would do wonders for my mood.

This would be a piece of cake if I found a 2nd job. I am looking for a small part-time job to supplement my income and am having no luck. Most of my background is in the travel industry and running my own company. I think many places think I am over-qualified. I assure you, I'M NOT! LOL! I even applied at Home Depot for the love of God! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp. I just need something that will put some extra $$ in my pockets for weekly errands.

Other than that I don't have too much to report!

I am sure I will write more before Christmas BUT just in case I wish you all a HAPPY HOLIDAY!

Love, Des :)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Darn Facebook!

Okay, so I am currently a member of Facebook. I say currently because there is a very good chance I will shut down my membership because I get too addicted. But while I am a member it has become my, um, err, new favorite. My poor blog has taken 2nd place. I feel terrible! LOL! ;)

Nonetheless here is an interesting article my mother sent about becoming FEARLESS! I thought this was pretty great.

Tips For a Fearless Life:

Let yourself be afraid.

My favorite definition of fearlessness is this: the ability to remain soft and open, even under very difficult circumstances. Most often, fear causes us to shut down to our own and others' humanity. We just want to get away, but the quickest way out is to stay. If you can slow down a bit, you can see that fear rises, abides, and dissolves on its own. Allowing this process is the mark of the spiritual warrior. The coward turns attention toward fighting fear; the warrior accommodates it.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, whether it appears as anxiety, melancholy, or anger, stop, grab a piece of paper, and write one short sentence that describes your fear. Start with the words "I'm afraid...," then scribble the first thoughts that come to mind, without regard for grammar or rationale. It could be something such as, "I'm afraid to check my e-mail because I've already got too much to do" or "I'm afraid about an upcoming conversation with my boyfriend" or "I'm afraid I have cancer." Slowly read your words over three times. Take a full inhalation and exhalation after each reading. Avoid any attempt at amping up or toning down your agitation.

Text by Susan Piver


Ask for help.

I hate to fly. I hate it. Sometimes I even have panic attacks. I've tried all sorts of strategies to get over this--breathing exercises, visualizations, and Valium. None of these helped all that much. Here's what did: I told someone on the plane that I was afraid to fly, and he offered to get me a glass of water. That's it. To my surprise, I calmed down on the spot. I learned that getting someone to care about me, even for a moment, even if he or she is just pretending, calms me down. The truth is that 99% of humanity is good. When you are vulnerable, people actually want to protect you. When you know this, you can relax. The likelihood is that someone will be there for you.

Try this: If you notice panic rising, reach out to someone. You could strike up a little conversation with the person next to you. Or you could call a friend, write a letter, send an e-mail. You don't have to go into the whole story. You can say something like, "I'm having a hard day and thinking about you lifts my spirits..." If you don't want to communicate with anyone, make this request within yourself: "May this fear build a bridge between myself and others." The key is to counter the energy of fear, which spirals in and down to make you feel heavy and isolated, with the energy of connection, which spirals out and around, lightening the situation on all levels. Text by Susan Piver


Put others first.

Fear can cause you to ignore your authentic desires and put your life on hold. We want to avoid, retreat, and think what we want isn't possible or realistic. This doesn't hurt only you! Those who love you are also deprived. I know people often suggest putting yourself first, but just as often I find the opposite true. When I stop and remember who is in my life, why I love them, what they need, and how happy they would be made by my happiness, I find tremendous courage to face my fears. I'm doing it for us! My actions are rooted in love, not aggression--and loving others is a secret power source of fearlessness.

Try this: Ask yourself: "If I were to get past my worst fears, who else would be made happy?" If you can't think of one person who would delight in your delight, imagine the person you most admire sitting across from you. This person can be real or fictional, but when you think of them, you feel a great sense of encouragement. Write down each person's name and explain why he or she would feel happy if you conquered your fear. Text by Susan Piver


Cheer up.

This may sound facile and non-profound. But it's actually the opposite. In an essay called "Working With Early Morning Depression," Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche says, "There's always the primordial dot: that spark of goodness that exists even before you think. We are worthy of that. Everybody possesses that unconditioned possibility of cheerfulness, which is not connected purely with either pain or pleasure. You have an inclination: in the flash of one second you feel what needs to be done. It is not a product of your education; it is not scientific or logical; you simply pick up on the message. And then you act: you just do it."

Try this: The next time you feel shaky, pause. Say these words to yourself: "I could always just cheer up." And then cheer up. This actually works. It may only last for a few seconds/minutes/hours, but you can always try it again. Text by Susan Piver


Relax.

The opposite of fear is not dauntlessness, it's relaxation. The ability to remain open and mindful under all circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable, is a sign of amazing courage. When we're not able to maintain mindfulness, we lose track of what's actually going on around us. We confuse what we think is happening with what is happening. When attention is absorbed in fear, we're distracted from what is actually going on. Like remaining in the still eye of a tornado--as opposed to being swept away by it--fearlessness requires full, moment-to-moment attention and receptivity, two qualities rooted in relaxation.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, stop what you're doing. Draw attention inward. Where is the fear manifesting in your body? Fear can show itself in a tense jaw, clenched belly, shallow breathing, and so on. When you locate fear's position, simply relax that area. Let your jaw or stomach go or take a few deep breaths. This is meant to be a physical relaxation, not an emotional one. You don't always have to calm your mind to calm your body. It can work the other way around. Text by Susan Piver


Stop talking to yourself.

In Buddhism, there are several categories of suffering, one of which is called "The Suffering of Suffering," which is different from the normal suffering human beings face. We all experience loss and disappointment. But we increase our suffering when we develop complex stories about where it came from, where it's going, or whose fault it all is. I'm not saying we shouldn't be thoughtful about the events of our life, but at a certain point all that storytelling becomes counterproductive. Instead of analyzing your feelings, you can consider the counsel of American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron: "Feel the feeling and drop the story."

Try this: When you notice you're beginning to spin out, instead of thinking about your suffering, feel it. Notice where it resides in your body, whether it feels hot or cold, dull or sharp, speedy or spacy. You could even cry or stomp around. Be patient and let yourself feel what you're feeling as an end in itself. You'll be amazed at how much faster suffering resolves itself when you cut out the suffering of suffering.


Bring someone with you.

Here is an exercise you can do on the spot to calm real fear in real time.

Try this: Before you're about to do something scary (confront a friend, start a new job, ask for a date), imagine someone who would be proud or grateful if you took this risk. It could be a relative, a mentor, your inner child, or a historic or fictional character. Before you step into your scary situation, visualize this person by your side, holding your hand, or in your arms. Let yourself really feel their presence--and take them in with you. You're not alone, and there is strength in numbers! Text by Susan Piver

Time it.

When we're in the grip of fear, it seems endless. How long do you think fear lasts? You can actually do an experiment to see.

Try this: Take a look at your watch. Now sit down and conjure up one of your fears, but totally let go of trying to figure it out. Just connect with the feeling. Try to stay afraid for as long as you can. The very second you notice your mind starting to think about something else, stop and look at your watch. How much time passes before fear begins to pass? Text by Susan Piver


Listen to silence.

Sometimes it feels like we'd do anything to stop being afraid, even for one second. Well, you don't have to look far. In a fearful condition, the mind tends to tighten its grip on fear until you feel like you might explode. But here's what you can do instead: Stop focusing on anything in particular. Let your awareness become open and soft.


Try this: Bring your attention to whatever sounds are present. As I sit here, I can hear a car idling across the street, music coming from downstairs, and the rustle of my husband's newspaper. Let your ears take in all the sounds. All of them play against a background of silence; otherwise there would be nothing to hear. Tune your ear to the silence. Listen to what's in between or under the sounds you hear and keep your attention on that. You can always, always hear the silence, even if you're in the stadium during the Super Bowl. Take in the vastness of silence. This exercise is a way to cut into the flow of everyday discursive thought and connect instead with the mind of peace, which is always attuned to the largest possible reality.
Text by Susan Piver



Learn to meditate.

All the suggestions above are predicated on one thing: the ability to maintain mindfulness and awareness, moment to moment, as best you can. When you don't consciously focus your attention, it wanders randomly. Choosing what to focus on requires practice--the practice of meditation. Then it will be easier to put the previous suggestions into play. No matter which type of meditation you do, if you stick with it your ability to move through fear with confidence will get stronger and stronger. Text by Susan Piver

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I get it...

NEWS ALERT! I AM JUST LIKE YOU!


Anyone who really knows me understands that I am passionate about body image. I think people, women especially, should accept their bodies the way they are meant to be and stop judging themselves on the size of their waist. I do believe this with everything in me.

However....

Something just hit me. When I am dishing this advice out, I truly believe it but never quite realized I didn't feel this way about -- myself. When I look at other people I never judge them on their weight. I think people are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. With that said, I realize I am extremely critical of myself and my body. Not necessarily my waist size (size 12), but my breast size. Is this because I want to look skinnier? I am not sure. Is it because I wish I was shaped more like a boy? Getting warmer.

I am a tomboy. I embrace my boyish side. I like men's (more girly) type clothes. I like men jeans. Shoes. Hairstyles. Colognes. Everything that, say, a gay boy might like. So I think what I am identifying as is a (gulp!) gay boy. Now, let's think about that. It seems just like women, many gay men have a body complex/weight issue. They want their body to look a certain way. This is where I fall under. Shit. Fuck. Crap bastard.

I don't want a six pack or abs of steel - not at all. But what I do want is a smaller chest. My chest makes me look bigger than I am. It makes my shoulders look broader. It makes my shirt stick out. It makes me have to wear larger sized shirts. And quite honestly, for whatever reason, it sucks. I hate it. I cringe every time I see pictures with my chest in it.

Do I like breasts? Hell yes! I think breasts are beautiful --- just --- not --- on --- me.

Do I wish my breasts were completely gone? Nope. Do I wish they were considerably smaller. Oh God, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I take pictures I try to avoid my breasts. If I could take shots from the breasts up and waist down - I would be happy. But I choose to (usually) avoid breasts shots. They make me feel uncomfortable. They don't match WHO I AM inside. I would be that "average size" man. The size 32/34 waist gay guy who wore a medium or large shirt and had a soft belly.

If my breasts weren't there -- I would look my REAL size. Instead I look much larger in pictures than I actually am. I hate that. Why do I hate that????? I HATE THAT I HATE THAT...lol. WTF? I can't seem to win, can I? Oyie.

So like most things in my life it is a catch 22. I hate being critical of my body and I hate it when other people do it to themselves and yet, here I am, just like y'all, critical of myself. Why do we do this to ourselves?

The thing that really irks me is that I am going to keep going to the gym - as long as it takes - to get the body I am comfortable with. SO I GET IT. For the first time, I get it people. I hate it, but I GET IT.

I don't approve of women (or men) beating themselves up over their body image, but I SINCERELY GET IT. I am one of you. I am the same way. I am a lesbian with a body image issue. I want to have a flatter chest. It is no different than someone who wants a flat stomach, a smaller nose, a smaller butt, better hair, a better smile, to be taller, etc., ---- I GET IT.

I feel disappointed in myself, but this is the truth. I wish I could just accept my body the way it is, but I can't. We always want what we don't have, right?

I wonder if I will ever get to the point in my life where I can look at myself and truly be HAPPY with what I see. Is this even possible???? Does this ever happen to anyone?

With that said, it's time for the gym!

Today is the first day I make a serious effort to get the chest I "THINK" will make me happy. We all know it is deeper than that, but we still do this to ourselves over and over. Make room for one more. I am in. Sigh.

Follow me on this journey.

-Des


Egg Nog Party

Last Saturday Melanie, my mother, Elizabeth and I went to my ex April and her partner, Pepper's Christmas Eggnog Party. Some might think it is strange hanging out with your "ex" but April and I are best friends (we were together for 10 years and have known each other for almost 13 years) and are extremely close so this felt natural. Everyone seemed to have a great time! Everyone was down to earth, funny and just really easy to be around. Here are some pictures.


(From left to right: Elizabeth, April, Melanie, Me and Mom)

(Gary & April)

(??, ??, Pepper and Gary)

(Kirk and Deb)
(Deb and Kirk)
(Gary, ?? and Kirk)


(??, ?? Pepper, ?? and ?? lol)



(??, Gary, Kirk, ?? and ??)


Happy Holidays!

-Des

Thursday, December 4, 2008

UP YOURS MR. FAIRY!

All I have to say at 9:38pm on this lovely Thursday evening is....





WHAT SICK TOOTH FAIRY BASTARD THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A HOOT, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, FUCKIN HOOT, TO HAVE TWO WISDOM TEETH PERTRUDE THROUGH MY 32 YEAR OLD GUMS? WTF? COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN TORTURED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 17-22??? I THOUGHT I DODGED THIS ONE. BUT NO, LIKE A SLEDGE HAMMER TO THE BRAIN or AN ICE PICK TO THE TEMPLE I HAVE BEEN BITCH SLAPPED WITH SOME FRIGGIN WISDOM.

GEE, THANKS.



:(



See, I knew I was screwed when I broke that dresser mirror....and that handheld mirror....and my car mirror.



Death to the tooth fairy.

Okay, not really, but I am bitter.

Oh, nuts!


Okay, April has one of the craziest personalities ever. She sent this to me in lure of my dentist appointment. She thought it would make me laugh. She was right.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thank you house?


What I am thankful for.

I didn't have an easy morning thus far. I won't bore you with all the details but in a nutshell, I woke up at 5am (the time my partner chooses to get up). I tried to sleep until 6am to no avail.

I proceeded to swiffer (a.k.a. mop) the floor in the kitchen and office to take away any sort of "pet stickiness". Remember, we have 3 cats and one 14 year old silky terrier with bladder issues...a'hem. To some this may seem like a minute task, but I assure you, there is a precise way to do this procedure to assure your floor is actually, um, clean. I then polished, dusted and straightened things out. I put on some fun music to make the most out of the situation and even playfully bantered with my partner. I was actually in a good mood. Up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, yet --- in a good mood.

This is my home. I take pride in it.

My house isn't much. Technically speaking if I didn't rent out the other apartments it would be 3 floors and have 4-5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, 5 living rooms, 5 kitchens etc., etc., -- yeah, it would be an impressive one family home, but no, I am happy with my little apartment.

I run a travel company from my house.

I relax in my bedroom and catch up on television an hour or two each night.

I cook in the kitchen to feed the people I love.

And currently I am enjoy the smell of pine and decor of the Christmas tree in my living room.

It's not much, but it's home and it's filled with love, well, most of the time.

I have spent countless hours with my (deceased) great aunt Rose (who was like a second mother) to me in this house.

I have laughed so hard with my mother that I thought I would faint in this house.

I have experienced such love and understanding - from both parents - in this house.

I have had deep conversations with my brother in this house.

I have loved and lost pets that were like children in this house.

I've spent time with close friends in this house.

I've helped people though break-ups and new relationships in this house.

I've written some of the craziest and saddest songs in this house.

I've seen arguments and experienced such loving understanding in this house.

I've experienced some of the best and worst news in this house.

I've booked people on honeymoons in this house.

I've sent people from as far as New Zealand on vacations from this house.

I've hosted parties and attended parties in this house.

I've decorated this house hundreds of times. Sometimes with tons of money - most times with very little.

I've been emotionally and physically sick in this house.

I've found strength and courage in this house.

I've had some of the best revelations in this house.
I've laughed millions of times in this house.
I've cried millions of times in this house.
I've dealt with my first broken heart here.
I broke someone's heart here.
I found true love in this house.

Yes, there have been many, many, many experiences in this house. This 100+ year old house that I proudly call home.

Not too many people have had the experience of growing up, in one place, for the majority of their life. I am one of the lucky few. I truly have a sense of place here on Federal Hill in Providence, RI.

This house, this area, is full of history --- my history. Each day adds to it.

The thing I am most grateful for learning in this house is how to love, be kind, considerate and truly, truly caring. In this house I was taught that we should always treat people kindly. I was taught that being "mean" was not okay. I was taught the importance of respect, understanding, structure and --- family. No matter how big or how small my family was/is. I was always taught that family comes first. This is a motto I wear on my sleeve --- proudly.

My family didn't judge you based on looks, grades, status -- none of that. The only thing that ever mattered is how GOOD a person was. How they made us feel. How they treated us and each other. Everyone was accepted with open arms in this house. In this family. All we asked/ask is that you don't break the one golden rule ----- BE NICE. Because for as nice and understanding as we are, we have also been brought up to be tough and stick up for ourselves and to be treated with respect.

This house may not be filled with fancy jobs, lots of money, brand new cars or the very best education. What it is filled with and will ALWAYS will be filled with is LOVE. Acceptance. Understanding. Kindness.

I am proud of my house. My family. My upbringing. My morals.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have been blessed with -- in this house.












-Des

Monday, December 1, 2008

Chicken Fried

This is a great song (and the dog is pretty darn cute too).



Lyrics: Chicken Fried (Zac Brown Band)


You know I like my chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up

Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine
And that`s home you know
Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine Where the peaches grow
And my house it`s not much to talk about
But it`s filled with love that`s grown in southern ground

And a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love

Well its funny how it`s the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live or the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I`ve come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise you glasses for a toast

To a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love

I thank god for my life And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice All the things we love
Like our chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love