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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Thank you Canada......XO

Some New Videos to ring in 2012.....


















Happy (INSERT WORD HERE) New Year!!!!

Happy New Year to Me.



Please.



What a roller coaster of a year 2011 has been.



There were many beautiful parts and then heartbreaking parts.


Luckily 2011 is ending back on the beautiful parts, but I am changed person 100%.



How have I changed this year?


I know no emotional or physical pain will ever bring me to a "breaking point". I know that there is nothing I cannot get through.


I know that when I am at my "darkest point", a point of wanting to "give up" --- curl into a little ball and forget the world around me ---- I won't.


I take a deep breath and the voice on my right shoulder knocks the voice on my left shoulder out.


The voice saying, "YOU WILL BE OKAY!" and "YOU CAN DO THIS!" and "BE STRONG!" is way louder than the tears and negative chatter.



I reached my lowest point emotionally the night of the hurricane here in Rhode Island this past August. I was alone in my apt. Lights out. No A/C. No noise. No partner to "ride it out with" ----- just me and my pets. I felt panicky. I felt trapped. I felt truly afraid. I was standing in my kitchen taking a panic attack, hyperventilating. Dealing with a broken heart, betrayal, fear and loneliness but the emotion that beat all of those negative thoughts up was --- HOPE. I had just started talking to Jen and I had such amazing support of family and friends and -- my FAITH. I somehow managed to get myself to Providence, where I had a total breakdown that night and by the next morning ---- I was fine and I HAVEN'T HAD ANOTHER "breakdown" since and I don't think I ever will.


My muscles may not be as big as they were last spring.



I may not be as toned in general as I was last spring...lol....but....



DAMN, my emotional muscles are stronger than ever.



I could go on and on about the negative aspects of 2011 but let me focus on the positives right now....and I will end with the most positive of them all! ;)


My ex loved me. I don't care what she may say or has said to me -- I know what we shared and I know she loved me as much as I loved her. I know the laughter we shared. Laughing so hard we would feel sick or run to the bathroom..lol. I know the way we got each other's humor. I know how we just got --- each other. I know the deep conversations we had whether in person or via email. I know the plans we made. I remember the look of love in her eyes. The compliments I would receive on a daily basis. I am choosing to focus on THAT. Some people need constant change and sometimes when that happens we act in ways we never thought we would. We say things we never thought we would. Whatever the reason......I would like to think that isn't who the really person is. You don't just spend almost 1,825 days with someone you "don't love".....I know the chemistry we had. You can't fake chemistry. THIS is what I am choosing to remember. Not the things said out of "pain" or "anger" -------- we all make mistakes, get angry and say/do stupid things. That is life. I like to base how a person REALLY is on the MAJORITY of the time and my ex and I had a beautiful connection most of the time. That is how I am choosing to remember her as 2011 comes to an end.


I am strong enough to do this.


I am happy enough to do this.



Another beautiful thing I realized in 2011 is that I have A TON of friends who are like FAMILY and my family are like my BEST FRIENDS.



The support I received in 2011 makes me teary eyed.


My friend Donna became my sister. She wholeheartedly got me through my heartbreak. She and da mamas were my rock.



All of my other friends were like marionettes. Lifting me up when I couldn't move.



The amount of NEW friends in my life is amazing.


People that came from out of nowhere and supported me this summer are truly guardian angels.



Kristin, Martine, Sarah, Kendra, Marygrace, Kim, Annette etc., -- Wow. Wow. Wow.


Their friendship helped me so much (and continues to help me).


There are so many beautiful, kind hearted people out there and I feel SO LUCKY to have met them.


Yeah. Friends are like family and family can be friends.


Lucky.


Now onto finances.



Holy shit what a tough year.


God has blessed me with a mother that is not only my mother but my best friend and if it wasn't for her, I have no idea where I would've been this summer.


I have learned that when my emotional state is out of wack ----"I" am COMPLETELY out of wack.


I cannot, absolutely CANNOT FOCUS.



My business took a MAJOR HIT this spring/summer.



Every bit of money I personally had saved was used and with my mother's love and support I was able to keep my head afloat.


2011 is ending on a very stressful, yet positive note, as far as finances go.





I may be hurting more than ever financially but I am more positive about this changing in 2012 than I have ever been and this all has to do with the final person I will focus on when I end this! ;)


I have always had health issues which have caused me to become self employed and start my own company which has provided me with opportunities that also make me teary eyed.



I am so in love with my small little business.



It is the thing I am most proud of in life.



I will never give up on it and I know it will never give up on me.



I will love it hard in 2012.

I will give it the love and attention it deserves.





I will bring it back to life bigger and better than ever.


Out & About Travel is a part of me.



It provides me with not only money but TRAVEL and WRITING opportunities.


It makes me feel ALIVE and EXCITED and SO GRATEFUL.

 
It has never given up on me and I will never give up on it.



This year has taught me that I can survive on VERY LITTLE and still LIVE A HELL OF A LIFE.


Damn, do I LIVE LIFE.


I have FUN and I will NEVER CHANGE THAT.


I don't know when God will take me, so I will ALWAYS live the life I am lucky enough to have.


Finally....






2011 has taught me that SOME psychics are amazingly accurate and when you think you will never find love again, shut the fuck up...and open your eyes.


Let me tell you all about heartbreak. That moment when you feel as if your WORLD HAS ENDED and you will NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE THE SAME AGAIN or find someone ATTRACTED TO YOU THE SAME WAY or blah, blah, blah...


SHUT THAT VOICE UP!!!!!


FIND THE STRENGTH!!!!!



Trust me....


Even when you feel like you will throw up if you write one more personal ad on those online dating sites....DO IT.


As my psychic explained to me ---- "The universe is always working in your favor."


My psychic, Liz, told me during one of my readings in June the following:



"You are going to meet a woman with dark, medium length, wavy hair and dark eyes who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. She is going to seem very familiar and have some sort of issue with her hip."


Jennifer Walsh.



Jennifer has beautiful, dark, wavy/curly, medium length hair. She has the brightest, most gorgeous dark eyes I have ever seen. She has a smile that lights up her face...and a room. A profile that makes me stutter. She treats me like I "deserve to be treated" and you know what? Because of her NF she has a slight issue with her hip that sometimes caused her pain.


Wow.



I met Jen on Martch.com.


I was not only attracted to her cuteness at the time I saw her ad, I was attracted to her OUTLOOK on life and a quote by her brother who had passed over a year ago:


"Enjoy life, that's all that matters."


I knew I had to write her.


I sent her a heartfelt letter.


She responded.


I did not.


She wrote again and sent a friend request on Facebook.


I responded.


We celebrated our 3 month anniversary the other day.


I feel like I have know Jennifer forever.


We connect on EVERY (and I do mean EVERY) level.
 She is 37 and looks in her 20's.
 She LOVES ALL KINDS OF MUSIC.


She isn't materialistic.


She is close to her family.


She loves pets.


She is kindhearted.


She is an amazing friend.


She is amazing with children.


She is FUN and ENJOYS LIFE.


She is NOT a workaholic.


She is romantic and sweet and loves the simple things in life like --- snuggling on the coach watching a movie with me!


She is the perfect combination of HOT FEMME mixed with a strong, sexy, tomboy attitude which melts me.

 
She is aggressive in areas that compliments my shyness.






She makes me laugh.


We have the same morals and future goals.


I am her priority!!!!!! Oh my God, how good does that feel??? :)))


I am completely in love. Head over heels in love.


And for the first time --- ever. I feel someone loves me, simply for me.
 But love on all levels. Romantic and friendship.


Jen always says "WE HAVE IT ALL" so I am stealing this and saying --


WE DO HAVE IT ALL.


She has called me her "FOREVER PERSON" and "PERFECT MATCH" and I am stealing this too.


Jen makes me feel so attractive and brings out sides of me that have been hidden for quite some time.






Our chemistry is off the charts.






We have a very HEALTHY relationship! ;)






I feel safe, accepted, loved, encouraged and -- RESPECTED.






I feel VALUED.






I feel like I am FINALLY being "treated the way I deserve to be treated" and I hope I am treating her the same way. I like to think I am! ;)






Our families love each other.






God, I love her mom & dad.






Mom and Dad Walsh...!! :)






Such wonderful, loving, kind people.






THEY make me teary eyed.






I can see where Jen gets her GOODNESS from.






I can only imagine how much I would've loved her brother, Patrick.






I can't explain it but I have a very deep connection to Patrick. I get very emotional when I think about him and what Jen and her parents must've went through during his illness.






I feel him around ME....!? It's very weird but beautiful.






I feel like I want to tell him, "Don't worry Patrick, I will look after everyone."






As I was typing this out I was watching Jen in the living room surrounded by the pets. Reed on her lap. Flufferella on her chest. Rosie laying behind her and I am sure Thumpy & Mitzy were close by. The pets LOVE her and she loves them. EACH OF THEM. It's beautiful.






What a beautiful site.






Jen is my future.






Jen is my 2012.






Jen will be each new year from here on end.






I don't have to worry about her telling me:






"I have better things I can be doing."






or...






"I don't know what I want."






or....






"You can leave and I wouldn't care."






or....






"I don't want this to be my life."






or....






"I don't feel in love."






or....






"You don't know what I am capable of."






or.....






"I never loved you."






or.....






"Is this too big of a word for you?"






or....






"Your opinion means nothing to me."






or....






"Fuck you!"






or.....






"I hate you!"






or.....






"Personally I don't care what your mother thinks."






or....






"Your loser of a brother."






or....






"I'd have more fun without you."






or....






"You'll never come before work."






or....






"I don't like the holidays."






or....






All mixed with contradictory things like, "I love you!", "I can't imagine my life without you!", "You are my everything!", etc., etc., etc.,






Sigh.






Goodbye 2011.






Goodbye heartache.






Goodbye cruel words.






Goodbye lies.






I welcome 2012 with open arms.






I will appreciate every second --- good or bad because I know nothing, NOTHING, will ever compare to the pain I experienced in 2011.






I will continue to love with everything in me and hope that the person I am loving, Jennifer Walsh, will always appreciate and value this, which I am pretty sure she will.






I will continue to NEVER give up when it comes to work and financial peace of mind.






I will continue to be the best daughter I could possibly be and hope my mom (mamas) realize this.






I will continue to be the best mama to my pets.






I will continue to travel and thank GOD for each second he blesses this luxury on me. I will appreciate the way the sky looks. The way the trees look when the sunlight hits them just right. I will appreciate the way the air smells. The way the clouds look. I will appreciate every second of travel. Travel. One of my great loves. Something that keeps me --- breathing.






I will continue to be a good friend and will always be there for people who may need me.






I will write, write and write some more. I will NEVER stop expressing myself.






I will continue to be HONEST and forthright and, sorry, will continue to sometimes use "small little white lies" if it means I can avoid hurting someone's feelings. Remember -- "IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY --- DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR LIE!" ;) ;)






I will continue to nurture and love Out & About Travel and will pump life back into it and "love it the way it deserves to be loved."






And most of all...






I will continue to LIVE LIFE.....






Rich or poor.






Better or worse.






I am married to LIVING LIFE.






2012?






Bring it on! ;)






-Des

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Do Not Take My Photo (Please).

On this Christmas Eve I am stirring with things to write about. I am dying to blog about why a healthy dose of jealousy (on both parts) is actually a GOOD thing in a relationship AND why I hate photos being taken of me so much.


Hmm....let's go with option two which will be quicker to explain! ;)

PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PHOTO!



I hate having people taking photos of me, but I love taking photos of others AND myself.


Why do I hate when people take photos of me?


Simple answer: My breasts dominate most shots I am not in control of. It has been this way regardless of my weight, so it is NOT a weight thing. I know my size and I am fine with a size 12, but I will never be fine with the way my chest appears in photos.


I am a tomboy. I would prefer a much smaller chest. With that said I do not hate my breasts and feel sexy when my cleavage is showing.


I loath side shots of me because all I focus on is the way my breasts look.


Most people with a camera take side shots or shots when either your eyes are closed or you are doing a weird "chin thing" (c'mon we all know about the "weird chin thing" - lol).


I love taking photos of people because I try with everything in me to take flattering shots. I would never post a shot of someone on Facebook (or anywhere) where I thought there was even the slightest possibility of them not liking it (and if they don't like it I take it down right away).


If I wasn't in the travel field I would either be a life coach, meteorologist or.....photographer. I have a cheap $99 camera and have no real training except for a photography class I took in high school.I don't know any technical terms, but I do like to think I know what LOOKS GOOD. Whether it is a scenery shot or shot of a person.
Most people who take photos --- take photos for the memory and don't even think for a second how a person may have come out in the photo (except themselves, of course - lol).


Some people photograph very well from EVERY angel ---- I do not. At least this is how I have always felt.


ANYWHO ---




With that said, I LOVE TAKING PHOTOS OF MYSELF (or people/pets/places) I love. Why???? I take photos of myself NOT because I am conceited (couldn't be further from the truth) or love looking at myself (lol - yeah - no), but because I can have FULL CREATIVE CONTROL and it is another way for me to be creative AND monitor my weight.
I do not use scales. I have never owned a scale. I will never own a scale. I have a scale phobia because a.) I have known way too many people with eating disorders and have seen the torment a scale can cause and b.) If I am feeling good about myself and get on a scale and see I gained a pound or two, I, like everyone else, would instantly feel awful.


Nope --- I take photos.


I know my face/upper part of the body VERY WELL. I can tell when I have gained and/or lost (luckily I am on the losing part these days - lol).


I also like trying out different positions and editing options. I feel most comfortable doing this with photos of myself or people really close to me.




SELF ESTEEM: Growing up I was teased a lot about break-outs that would occur or my "tom boyish appearance". This caused me to be very judgemental of my looks. When you have cruel things said to you as a child or teen from peers (or strangers), it sticks with you --- even as an adult. I have gotten MUCH better and my self esteem is healthy and normal, but I still like to monitor my appearance at all times. I take pride in trying to keep myself well taken care of. Photos allow me the opportunity to step back, observe and see how "I am doing".




EGO BOOST: Unfortunately most people aren't easy with the compliments, pat on the back or "shot in the arm" ego boost. I remember Adam Lambert (from American Idol) said how he never liked the way he looked as a kid/teenager and was made fun of a lot. Because of this he had low self esteem growing up. As an adult he feeds off of the feedback from his fans when he is on stage -- not because he is conceited, but because his ego/self esteem was so bruised. I can relate to this. I could (usually) care less what people think of me and how I live my life. I know I am a good, honest person and I go to bed with a clear conscience at night, HOWEVER, my "image ego" and maybe the "musician" and "performer" in me, DOES require people's approval as far as appearance goes. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I am just being honest. Plus, who doesn't like feeling like someone genuinely finds them attractive, right? :) Be honest. It feels SO good.



SO YEAH, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PHOTO - LOL!!!

With that said, I truly wish there was a way to make sure people never took unwanted or unapproved photos of me. I know this is impossible, especially with all of the places I have been going and Facebook. I know I will see side shots of my breasts and will be making "the chin face" and will have my self esteem/ego kicked in the gut when this happens.



But in the meantime I will remember what I truly look like....by the photos I take.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Weezer

Totally random....


Came across and old Weezer song that I was INSANE over back in 2006/2007. It has such an 80's sound. Love the guitar. Weezer is such a cool group. Don't you love it when you sorta forget about a group and then re-discover them? They have so many fantastic songs.

I love their style. Their sound.

They're just so.....cool!

I'd love to be in a Weezer cover band.


Two of my all time favorites....



My gift to you this Christmas - laughter!

One of the funniest SNL skits ever! ;D

Merry Christmas! XO

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Kindness

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Last night I had a dream about, well, kindness and how the smallest acts stick with people.

My mother had written on FB about a woman that helped her and Elizabeth get their car out of the driveway during a snowstorm so the thought was fresh in my mind as I went to bed.

I didn't watch the below video until this morning and AFTER my dream. Wow.



Kindness. The word alone makes my chest tighten up and eyes water.

Last night I met my friend (and ex), April, for dinner. April knows things have been a bit tough finacially for me so when I excused myself and went to the bathroom, she took it upon herself to cover the bill. I was blown away by this unexpected kindness. It was done in the most casual of ways and even though I put up a fight and tried to give her my fair share and even a Kohl's credit certificate (lol) -- she just smiled at me with that look of genuine "I care fo you love" and changed the subject.

Kindness.

Speaking of ex's, I was recently reminded of a time my last ex gave a homeless man a gold ring (I believe it was gold or had a diamond --- regardless it was an expensive ring). I can still see the look of happiness on her face as she explained to me what she did. This same ex also bought a Wendy's meal for a homeless man once in Boston. As a matter of fact she rarely passed homeless people without getting them food, giving them something they could exchange for money or just money itself. She didn't just hand a $1 to them, she would give $5's and $10's and I believe even a $20 once. She did it without even thinking. We use to talk and say even if they ARE gong to use it for drugs/alcohol, it must take so much away from your pride to have to stand on a corner and beg for money. We always tried to convince ourselves that they needed the money for food or their kids --- but deep down we knew the truth, we just couldn't help it. I have a soft spot for this too, I admit. I wish I had more money so that I could help more people. I sincerely mean that. If I was "rich" -- I would so share the wealth. Absolutely - share - the - wealth.

My mom and her partner, Elizabeth, are two of the kindness, loving people I have ever met. My mom use to tell me how my grandmother was always for "the underdog" --- I guess it runs in the family. Kindness can be a helping hand, an ear to listen, words of advice, jokes to make you laugh, a random hug, an "I love you" or some sort of help. Both my mom & Elizabeth have shown me immeasurable amounts of kindness and love.

My aunt Rose WAS kindness. She was (and will always be) my greatest role model. She had a smile that could make stomach aches better, broken hearts mend, tears dry up and anxiety go away. She had this way of making you feel like she REALLY was listening to you --- which she was, so I am sure that came easily. She had this way of making you feel like she REALLY did love you --- which, I know she did. She would do anything for anyone at any time. I take great pride when people, especially my mother, tell me how much I remind them of aunty.

I have always said, from when I was in high school, that their are "red cape" and "black cape" people in the world. So many people want to knock you down and try to hurt you. It is so much easier to be KIND in my book. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL says things we wish we didn't. We are, after all, human. But if the majority of who we are is good to the core --- then what more could we ask for? The "red cape" people are like those in the video listed above. The people who go out of their way to help others simply because they want to....and it just comes natural. The "black cape" people go out of their way to hurt you because...well...it just comes natural.

Smile at people. Compliment people. Encourage people. Help people who are struggling. Forgive people. Apologize if you have hurt someone. It will come back to you ten fold.

My partner, Jennifer, is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is the type person that leaves sweet notes for me in the morning, writes beautiful blogs and poems about me, helps without being asked, is there for her family and friends and is just --- GOOD --- to the core. After my first date with Jennifer on September 16, 2011, I sorta freaked out. I was nervous that it was "too soon" after my breakup. I felt guilty and afraid because I had developed feelings for her. The letter she sent me the next day, saying "she wasn't going anywhere" and how "she understood" etc., ------ hit me bullseye in the heart and allowed me to open myself up to this amazing, loving, beautiful woman. Her kindness overflowed and it was that letter, that response, that started this beautiful relationship.

Kindness.

It doesn't take much to make someone feel important, loved...valued.

Everyone appreciates a "how are you doing?" or a "how are you feeling?"

Even better? How about "how can I help you?"

Be genuine because people can pick up on fake concern from a mile away and a fake "how can I help you?" hurts more than not asking.

I thank God every night for the blessings in my life. I do. Even when I am sick or struggling financially, I feel grateful -- from my core. I can't help the crosses I have been given in life, just like all of you can't. Some crosses we are meant to bare, others we can get rid of.

One thing I know is that the kindness in my life will always keep me going, but what will keep me going even more is.............returning the kindness.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sex Appeal

SEX APPEAL

So today I am thinking about sex appeal.


The definition that you will find online is:



1. the ability to excite people sexually.


2. immediate appeal or obvious potential to interest or excite others, as by appearance, style, or charm: a house with no sex appeal.


Sex appeal comes in all shapes and sizes. What appeals to one person may not appeal to others.

Case in point --- the average "blond bomb shell" just doesn't do it for me nor has it ever.



Quite honestly, stereotypical beauty is not sexy to me at all.



Sexy to me means:



Someone that isn't afraid to be themselves.






Someone that takes control of (certain) situations.






Someone that can melt me with the look in their eyes.






Someone that accepts me for how I am and strokes my ego (no pun intended).






Someone that can work a pair of jeans as well as a sexy dress.






Someone that can look as hot first thing in the morning as they do all dressed up.






Someone that laughs easily at themselves.






Someone that compliments easily.






Someone that is straight forward.






Someone that is in touch with their feminine side as well as their masculine side (but way more on the feminine side).






Someone that can sit and talk for hours.






Someone that can act like a goof and still make you weak in the knees.






Someone that shows their emotions easily.






Someone that knows the fine art of flirting.






Someone that makes you feel like the most beautiful woman (or handsome man) in the world.






Someone that is adventurous sexually.






Someone that makes your heart melt by looking at you from across the room.






Someone that is comfortable (enough) with their body.






Someone who isn't afraid to eat and enjoy food!






Someone who learns you and knows you better than anyone else.






Someone who is more of an aggressor.






Someone who never loses their ability to have fun.






Someone who makes you feel like they never want to lose you.






Someone who makes you feel like you are "theirs" and they are "yours".






Someone not afraid to take care of themselves physically and emotionally.






Someone who is good with children.






Someone who is trustworthy.






Someone who always has your best interest at heart.






Someone who smells good.






Someone who isn't afraid to cry.






Someone who isn't afraid to stand up for their beliefs.






Someone that knows how to live life.






Someone that values life experiences.






Yes, sex appeal comes in many forms.

 


The list above is what is sexy TO ME.

 


If my emotions aren't stimulated - nothing is stimulated.

Powerful

POWERFUL MESSAGES



Sunday, December 18, 2011

Self Expression

White tie, purple shirt, blue jeans, purle/white sneakers, eye makeup & black undies.

Never be afraid to be yourself.



Saturday, December 17, 2011

Friday, December 16, 2011

For my Aunty Rosie


 FOR AUNTY ROSIE

My aunt Rose. My great aunt Rose to be more precise, was such a poignant structure in my life. I was lucky to have her around for 25 years of my 35 years here on earth.


I tend to think about her a lot this time of year. As a matter of fact, this morning I had a very vivid dream of her. That always startles me but also makes me feel like she is still connected to me.


Some people are lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents and enough aunts, uncles and cousins that they lose count.





Growing up I was only close to one of my grandparents, my mom's mother, Bambina Montanro. I loved her very much, but, unfortunately she passed away when I was 8 years old.



I was always more close to my mom's side of the family which is small. My mom's side of the family is full of "artsy" people. Think musicians, dancers, actors and artists. We are also VERY gay friendly, accepting, non-judgemental and purty darn silly! ;)



I loved/love my family.



Most of the family members I was close to growing up have either passed away, moved away or drifted apart. We do, however, keep in touch via Facebook and I know we'd have each other's back in a heartbeat.


I also look forward to Xmas Eve, a time when the remaining parts of my "small" family come together. It has been awhile since I have taken part in that (2006/2007 was my last time), but I am looking forward to it this year.



Back to my aunt Rose.



My aunt Rose was not only my aunt - she was also like a 2nd mom, grandmother and best friend rolled into one.



She babysat me and my brother many, many times growing up, and when my mom went back to college, when I was 11/12 years old -- I practically lived over my aunt Rose's house.

 

Many night we would sit in front of the TV, watch the 6 PM news and then (gulp) Lawrence Welk (shutty! lol) --- It would be my aunt Rose, Uncle Frank and myself. My cousin Matthew would often be around as well. He is closer to my mom's age (mid 50's).



Anyway, I LOVED spending time with aunty Rose and uncle Frank! They would talk back and forth in Italian and you could just FEEL the love they still had for each other.


They were such great role models. Even if they had issues, I never picked up on them as a child. What I felt in their presence was love, laughter and a sense of calm/peace.


My aunt would usually make some sort of pasta and serve it with the most delicious salad and Italian bread. Yum. Sometimes we would take a walk to the corner cafe, Small World, to meet up with some of her friends for "coffee and dessert". I would take everyone's order and then go up to the counter, feeling like a "grown up" and place the order for them.



I loved those women as much as they loved me.



I would play music on the jukebox, sit back and listen to all of their conversations. I was such an "old lady" with them. It was great! ;D


My aunt Rose and I could sit and talk (nonstop) for hours. She was an amazing listener and never really had anything bad to say about someone. Even if she could, she chose not to. I learned a lot from her.



She was the one that got me my first subscriptions to '17 Magazine', 'Lucky' etc., --- all those "girly" magazines that were SO fun to read (especially when there was an article about -- hehehe - homosexuality).





She showed me how to style my hair, put makeup on (shuuuuuut up - lol), clean, cook, do laundry and --- pray. She was very religious but not in a freaky-cult-like-way. In a more spiritual-love-everyone type way.



I remember prints of Mary up in her bedroom. I remember Rosary Beads hanging over her bedpost and I remember going to church with her on Sunday.



What I learned most of all from her (and my uncle Frank) was this:



NEVER DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO.


NEVER TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE ELSE.


ALWAYS ACT CLASSY (yes, there is a classy way not to "take shit" from someone...lol).


My aunt taught me about compassion, empathy and doing for others.


She would call me ONCE A DAY just to say, "I love you." Of course she would always ask how I was and was always willing and ready to listen to me if I "felt sick" or "sad" about something. Without fail, I always - ALWAYS felt better when I got off the phone with her or after a visit.





I felt my aunt's love.


She would call to make sure I had "enough ____insert here _____" of whatever. For example, if I felt sick she would always make sure I had juice around or soup.


She would make sure I had a heavy winter jacket or was "bundled up" enough when I went outside.


She would always make sure I had "a couple of dollars" on me just in case of an emergency.

 


She would always tell me how "beautiful" I was or "how special" I was.

 


Things kids my age NEED to hear.


Things that SHAPE a person into who they become.


As I grew older we just got closer and closer. I would take my aunt shopping, we'd go out to eat, we'd just go everywhere together. It was always me, my mom and aunt.


During the last year of her life she moved into the apt in my mom's house on Federal Street. Too long of a story to get into.


I can tell you this. My aunt passed away with very little material possessions. The things you think will matter to you -- don't in the end. She lived a very full, happy, fun life --- but when she moved in the apt above us, she took so little with her. As long as she had her dog, slippers, cozy nightgowns, magazines/books, reading glasses and food....she was happy. She had her TV, recliner and that was pretty much it. She could've had more, but this is all she needed. Her # 1 concern was always her son. Again, too long of a story to get into.


I remember one of the last conversations my aunt & I had prior to her last weeks of life. We were sitting in the living room area in the apt above from me and looking out into the back yard. She told me she was "tired" and she said she "just wanted everyone to be happy" and "learn to live life without her." She also said she was happy that I had "someone like April in my life" (meaning - someone solid, good, kind and nurturing to me). I remember thinking I didn't have many more of these type conversations left with her.


A couple of weeks later I was by her bedside, holding her hand, painfully aware of the warmth and life still pulsating through her. She held my hand in her right hand and my mothers in her left. She couldn't talk at this point but she gripped our hands hard and gave us both a look of unconditional love. I told her that "I loved her and I would be okay and not to ever worry about me." I told her that "she would always be with me and a part of who I am." I also joked with her (of course) and told her "not to haunt me"....lol. She smiled.


I was a wreck during this point in my life -- physically and emotionally. I just wasn't living the life I was meant to. I wasn't happy to my core. You could see it in pictures from that time frame. I suffered with anxiety attacks a lot during this time and I thought for sure, when I lost my aunt, I would take it VERY hard, but you know what?



I didn't.


I felt peace.


I know what it is like to lose someone with no regrets.


I know I loved my aunt Rose with everything in me. I respected her every second she was in my life. I valued her and, most importantly, I showed this to her. I vocalized it. She knew and could feel my love for her, as I could hers.


The morning of the day my aunt passed away, my mother and Elizabeth had gone to see her. She wasn't doing well at all and I had a bad night and did not want to see her in that condition that morning. I mentally couldn't handle it. Knowing my mother was at the hospital, I called her (I knew she always kept her cell phone on...shh....lol). She picked it up....thank God. I asked her to put the phone next to my aunt's ear.


I told my aunt over and over (and over) how much I loved her and how "okay" I would be because of her. I told her it was okay and that I wanted her to be at peace. I had this habit of always saying "see you later" to her, but this time, I said "goodbye, I love you."


Well...


My aunt hadn't spoken a single word in days because of the toxin build up in her body and all the meds she was on.....after I said, "goodbye, I love you."


I heard her say, "And I love you too."


It was the last words I, or anyone, would ever hear from her again.


She passed away that night.

 
Since my aunts passing I have asked for "signs" from her. The year of her passing I specifically asked to find an old card that she gave me in some random place, out of the blue --- that day.


I found one.


Out of the blue.


The day I requested it.


Not only that, I had a vivid dream of her handing me a Christmas Card with a huge smile on her face and asking, "Is this what you wanted?" She was surrounded by bright light...and...yeah....well....it was cool.


She is and always will be with me.



We have this tradition we do each day before Christmas Eve. We go to an Italian restaurant called Marchetti's in Cranston, RI. We would go with my aunt every year and watch her eat this Italian seafood dish the size of her head! LOL! She would usually eat 1% and bring the rest home to her son, but it was adorable to see her get so excited over it. Since her passing we have carried on this tradition with the people who have been in our lives. I am looking forward to honoring her this year as well.


Simple and silly....just as she would've liked it! ;)


I would give anything for one of those simple phone calls from my aunt Rose.


I'd pick up the phone and I would hear her sing, "I just called to say I love you" (as she often did...) and then she would ask me how I was doing/feeling, we'd make plans to see each other and I would hang up with a smile. Feel warm and loved.



That is one phone call I would always answer.


I love you, Aunty Rose.


XOXOXOXOXO