Happy (INSERT WORD HERE) New Year!!!!

Happy New Year to Me.



Please.



What a roller coaster of a year 2011 has been.



There were many beautiful parts and then heartbreaking parts.


Luckily 2011 is ending back on the beautiful parts, but I am changed person 100%.



How have I changed this year?


I know no emotional or physical pain will ever bring me to a "breaking point". I know that there is nothing I cannot get through.


I know that when I am at my "darkest point", a point of wanting to "give up" --- curl into a little ball and forget the world around me ---- I won't.


I take a deep breath and the voice on my right shoulder knocks the voice on my left shoulder out.


The voice saying, "YOU WILL BE OKAY!" and "YOU CAN DO THIS!" and "BE STRONG!" is way louder than the tears and negative chatter.



I reached my lowest point emotionally the night of the hurricane here in Rhode Island this past August. I was alone in my apt. Lights out. No A/C. No noise. No partner to "ride it out with" ----- just me and my pets. I felt panicky. I felt trapped. I felt truly afraid. I was standing in my kitchen taking a panic attack, hyperventilating. Dealing with a broken heart, betrayal, fear and loneliness but the emotion that beat all of those negative thoughts up was --- HOPE. I had just started talking to Jen and I had such amazing support of family and friends and -- my FAITH. I somehow managed to get myself to Providence, where I had a total breakdown that night and by the next morning ---- I was fine and I HAVEN'T HAD ANOTHER "breakdown" since and I don't think I ever will.


My muscles may not be as big as they were last spring.



I may not be as toned in general as I was last spring...lol....but....



DAMN, my emotional muscles are stronger than ever.



I could go on and on about the negative aspects of 2011 but let me focus on the positives right now....and I will end with the most positive of them all! ;)


My ex loved me. I don't care what she may say or has said to me -- I know what we shared and I know she loved me as much as I loved her. I know the laughter we shared. Laughing so hard we would feel sick or run to the bathroom..lol. I know the way we got each other's humor. I know how we just got --- each other. I know the deep conversations we had whether in person or via email. I know the plans we made. I remember the look of love in her eyes. The compliments I would receive on a daily basis. I am choosing to focus on THAT. Some people need constant change and sometimes when that happens we act in ways we never thought we would. We say things we never thought we would. Whatever the reason......I would like to think that isn't who the really person is. You don't just spend almost 1,825 days with someone you "don't love".....I know the chemistry we had. You can't fake chemistry. THIS is what I am choosing to remember. Not the things said out of "pain" or "anger" -------- we all make mistakes, get angry and say/do stupid things. That is life. I like to base how a person REALLY is on the MAJORITY of the time and my ex and I had a beautiful connection most of the time. That is how I am choosing to remember her as 2011 comes to an end.


I am strong enough to do this.


I am happy enough to do this.



Another beautiful thing I realized in 2011 is that I have A TON of friends who are like FAMILY and my family are like my BEST FRIENDS.



The support I received in 2011 makes me teary eyed.


My friend Donna became my sister. She wholeheartedly got me through my heartbreak. She and da mamas were my rock.



All of my other friends were like marionettes. Lifting me up when I couldn't move.



The amount of NEW friends in my life is amazing.


People that came from out of nowhere and supported me this summer are truly guardian angels.



Kristin, Martine, Sarah, Kendra, Marygrace, Kim, Annette etc., -- Wow. Wow. Wow.


Their friendship helped me so much (and continues to help me).


There are so many beautiful, kind hearted people out there and I feel SO LUCKY to have met them.


Yeah. Friends are like family and family can be friends.


Lucky.


Now onto finances.



Holy shit what a tough year.


God has blessed me with a mother that is not only my mother but my best friend and if it wasn't for her, I have no idea where I would've been this summer.


I have learned that when my emotional state is out of wack ----"I" am COMPLETELY out of wack.


I cannot, absolutely CANNOT FOCUS.



My business took a MAJOR HIT this spring/summer.



Every bit of money I personally had saved was used and with my mother's love and support I was able to keep my head afloat.


2011 is ending on a very stressful, yet positive note, as far as finances go.





I may be hurting more than ever financially but I am more positive about this changing in 2012 than I have ever been and this all has to do with the final person I will focus on when I end this! ;)


I have always had health issues which have caused me to become self employed and start my own company which has provided me with opportunities that also make me teary eyed.



I am so in love with my small little business.



It is the thing I am most proud of in life.



I will never give up on it and I know it will never give up on me.



I will love it hard in 2012.

I will give it the love and attention it deserves.





I will bring it back to life bigger and better than ever.


Out & About Travel is a part of me.



It provides me with not only money but TRAVEL and WRITING opportunities.


It makes me feel ALIVE and EXCITED and SO GRATEFUL.

 It has never given up on me and I will never give up on it.



This year has taught me that I can survive on VERY LITTLE and still LIVE A HELL OF A LIFE.


Damn, do I LIVE LIFE.


I have FUN and I will NEVER CHANGE THAT.


I don't know when God will take me, so I will ALWAYS live the life I am lucky enough to have.


Finally....






2011 has taught me that SOME psychics are amazingly accurate and when you think you will never find love again, shut the fuck up...and open your eyes.


Let me tell you all about heartbreak. That moment when you feel as if your WORLD HAS ENDED and you will NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE THE SAME AGAIN or find someone ATTRACTED TO YOU THE SAME WAY or blah, blah, blah...


SHUT THAT VOICE UP!!!!!


FIND THE STRENGTH!!!!!



Trust me....


Even when you feel like you will throw up if you write one more personal ad on those online dating sites....DO IT.


As my psychic explained to me ---- "The universe is always working in your favor."


My psychic, Liz, told me during one of my readings in June the following:



"You are going to meet a woman with dark, medium length, wavy hair and dark eyes who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. She is going to seem very familiar and have some sort of issue with her hip."


Jennifer Walsh.



Jennifer has beautiful, dark, wavy/curly, medium length hair. She has the brightest, most gorgeous dark eyes I have ever seen. She has a smile that lights up her face...and a room. A profile that makes me stutter. She treats me like I "deserve to be treated" and you know what? Because of her NF she has a slight issue with her hip that sometimes caused her pain.


Wow.



I met Jen on Martch.com.


I was not only attracted to her cuteness at the time I saw her ad, I was attracted to her OUTLOOK on life and a quote by her brother who had passed over a year ago:


"Enjoy life, that's all that matters."


I knew I had to write her.


I sent her a heartfelt letter.


She responded.


I did not.


She wrote again and sent a friend request on Facebook.


I responded.


We celebrated our 3 month anniversary the other day.


I feel like I have know Jennifer forever.


We connect on EVERY (and I do mean EVERY) level.
 She is 37 and looks in her 20's.
 She LOVES ALL KINDS OF MUSIC.


She isn't materialistic.


She is close to her family.


She loves pets.


She is kindhearted.


She is an amazing friend.


She is amazing with children.


She is FUN and ENJOYS LIFE.


She is NOT a workaholic.


She is romantic and sweet and loves the simple things in life like --- snuggling on the coach watching a movie with me!


She is the perfect combination of HOT FEMME mixed with a strong, sexy, tomboy attitude which melts me.

 She is aggressive in areas that compliments my shyness.






She makes me laugh.


We have the same morals and future goals.


I am her priority!!!!!! Oh my God, how good does that feel??? :)))


I am completely in love. Head over heels in love.


And for the first time --- ever. I feel someone loves me, simply for me.
 But love on all levels. Romantic and friendship.


Jen always says "WE HAVE IT ALL" so I am stealing this and saying --


WE DO HAVE IT ALL.


She has called me her "FOREVER PERSON" and "PERFECT MATCH" and I am stealing this too.


Jen makes me feel so attractive and brings out sides of me that have been hidden for quite some time.






Our chemistry is off the charts.






We have a very HEALTHY relationship! ;)






I feel safe, accepted, loved, encouraged and -- RESPECTED.






I feel VALUED.






I feel like I am FINALLY being "treated the way I deserve to be treated" and I hope I am treating her the same way. I like to think I am! ;)






Our families love each other.






God, I love her mom & dad.






Mom and Dad Walsh...!! :)






Such wonderful, loving, kind people.






THEY make me teary eyed.






I can see where Jen gets her GOODNESS from.






I can only imagine how much I would've loved her brother, Patrick.






I can't explain it but I have a very deep connection to Patrick. I get very emotional when I think about him and what Jen and her parents must've went through during his illness.






I feel him around ME....!? It's very weird but beautiful.






I feel like I want to tell him, "Don't worry Patrick, I will look after everyone."






As I was typing this out I was watching Jen in the living room surrounded by the pets. Reed on her lap. Flufferella on her chest. Rosie laying behind her and I am sure Thumpy & Mitzy were close by. The pets LOVE her and she loves them. EACH OF THEM. It's beautiful.






What a beautiful site.






Jen is my future.






Jen is my 2012.






Jen will be each new year from here on end.






I don't have to worry about her telling me:






"I have better things I can be doing."






or...






"I don't know what I want."






or....






"You can leave and I wouldn't care."






or....






"I don't want this to be my life."






or....






"I don't feel in love."






or....






"You don't know what I am capable of."






or.....






"I never loved you."






or.....






"Is this too big of a word for you?"






or....






"Your opinion means nothing to me."






or....






"Fuck you!"






or.....






"I hate you!"






or.....






"Personally I don't care what your mother thinks."






or....






"Your loser of a brother."






or....






"I'd have more fun without you."






or....






"You'll never come before work."






or....






"I don't like the holidays."






or....






All mixed with contradictory things like, "I love you!", "I can't imagine my life without you!", "You are my everything!", etc., etc., etc.,






Sigh.






Goodbye 2011.






Goodbye heartache.






Goodbye cruel words.






Goodbye lies.






I welcome 2012 with open arms.






I will appreciate every second --- good or bad because I know nothing, NOTHING, will ever compare to the pain I experienced in 2011.






I will continue to love with everything in me and hope that the person I am loving, Jennifer Walsh, will always appreciate and value this, which I am pretty sure she will.






I will continue to NEVER give up when it comes to work and financial peace of mind.






I will continue to be the best daughter I could possibly be and hope my mom (mamas) realize this.






I will continue to be the best mama to my pets.






I will continue to travel and thank GOD for each second he blesses this luxury on me. I will appreciate the way the sky looks. The way the trees look when the sunlight hits them just right. I will appreciate the way the air smells. The way the clouds look. I will appreciate every second of travel. Travel. One of my great loves. Something that keeps me --- breathing.






I will continue to be a good friend and will always be there for people who may need me.






I will write, write and write some more. I will NEVER stop expressing myself.






I will continue to be HONEST and forthright and, sorry, will continue to sometimes use "small little white lies" if it means I can avoid hurting someone's feelings. Remember -- "IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY --- DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR LIE!" ;) ;)






I will continue to nurture and love Out & About Travel and will pump life back into it and "love it the way it deserves to be loved."






And most of all...






I will continue to LIVE LIFE.....






Rich or poor.






Better or worse.






I am married to LIVING LIFE.






2012?






Bring it on! ;)






-Des