Countdown to Buffett!

Oh my God! I just realized Jimmy Buffett's concert is NEXT THURSDAY at (what I still call) Great Woods in Mansfield, MA! I am beyond excited. It has been TWO YEARS since I saw a Buffett concert. Must stay calm. Must find parrothead gear.

Also, the NEW Margaritaville Restaurant is opening up September 29 at Mohegan Sun Casino in CT. Guess where I'll be?? ;-)



Let's have a moment to appreciate the living legend that is Mr. James Buffett.

::Mwah Jimmy - Thanks for Everything::

-Des

Quote of the day

I have this daily calendar with really great quotes. Every day I am going to share the quote with you. It would be nice if these quotes stuck with us, but they still feel good to read and contemplate, if only for a moment.

QUOTE: It's ironic, but often our most effective thinking and our best idea come, not when we are focusing thoughts or ideas, but instead when we choose to wait.

Peace,
Des

Proud to be nuts

I just have to say...

I just have to say, isn't Melanie gorgeous? (3rd from the right in black dress).

My cousins - The Perry Twins

Anyone who checks out my blog has to learn about my cousins, The Perry Twins. I am sure many already know who they are, but for those who don't, allow me to explain.



To me, The Perry Twins are the cousins I grew up with here in Rhode Island. They are kind-hearted, down-to-earth, funny, loving, understanding, talented guys. Growing up we spent A LOT of time together. Whether it be at a special family celebration/function or just hanging out on a Sunday afternoon. We were all pretty close. Some of my fondest memories growing up consist of going to my aunt Chris's house (their grandmother) on a Sunday. We would sometimes play pool, go to an amusement park, walk around the neighborhood, play in the backyard, make silly/stupid videos and most important - talk. My family (on my mother's side) is so loving. Any of my friends who had the pleasure of spending time with us, know what I mean.

My aunt Chris and Uncle Angelo owned a bakery so on Sunday's there would always be lots of baked goodies at their house. We would sit around the table, eat, laugh, watch MTV or move to the living room while "the guys" watched the football game or golf. There was ALWAYS laughter. Always silliness. Always love.

We are a very artistic family. Each one of us was either involved in music, dance or theatre. The closest of all the cousins were me, Douglas, Derek (a.k.a. The Perry Twins) and Layla. Although Layla and I never was as close as Doug, Derek and I, I still have such respect and love for her. I always thought she was so cool. You know how that goes? The "older" cousin with the "cool clothes" and friends? :) We would spend many Sunday's at her house in North Kingston as well. She had a HUGE in ground pool and beautiful back yard and if memory serves me correct a cute club house (not to mention two adorable dogs - Taco & Frito).

Anyway, our family was/is very artistic, very democratic, very accepting, very smart, very in tune to emotions and very loving. This is what I was brought up around. Laughter, silliness, art, music, dance and kindness. It is the foundation of who I am.

As we grew up, Doug, Derek and I went from being "simply cousins" to being friends. They helped me get a job at one of our beloved Rhode Island landmarks (that is unfortunately now gone), Rocky Point Amusement Park. I believe the year's I worked there were 1994-1996!? All I know is it was one of my favorite jobs - ever. Get this, I was the "temporary tattoo girl"...lol. Oh yeah. Do I have some stories for you! ;-) I loved the people I worked with, but mostly I loved being such good friends with my cousins.

Another thing we did A LOT was - DANCE! We would go to some of the gay clubs in downtown Providence and dance until the wee hours of the morning. I was NEVER as good a dancer as Doug or Derek (not even close) but boy, did I love dancing!! :-)

It was around this time that Doug and Derek started teaching dance classes, choreographing and stated a dance troupe called DANCE PLANET. These guys were quite popular in Rhode Island. They performed at RI Pride, at theatres and were just --- amazing. I knew from THEN that they were going to "make it". They had the talent, the drive, the support of their family and each other. That all equals SUCCESS.

Eventually they announced they were moving to California. As excited as I was for them, I was sad because they had become some of the best friends I had. Those who know me know I am a bit on the "shy" side when it comes to making new friends. Once I am IN a situation, for the most part, I am fine, relaxed, open up and have fun. But the whole - "making new friends" has never been easy for me. So having to say goodbye to two of my "friends" was sad. Luckily, at this point, I had my partner at the time, April, in my life.

Unfortunately Doug, Derek and I lost touch when they moved. We would send emails now and then and see each other at Christmas, but I fell into my "shy" mode and didn't want to impose on them (which is crazy I know). This is when it gets hard for me. When I don't see someone for awhile I get very shy about contacting them. At one point April and I were in Los Angeles and I SO WANTED to contact them, but I felt like I would be "putting them on the spot" and since we had such little time (and was sick half of it..lol) I figured I would wait until next time. Stupid, I know. But honestly, I had no control over this. This is why I am on Paxil and seeing a therapist. For these stupid thoughts that enter my mind! :) Ugh. Luckily they forgave me but I still felt awful.

Once Doug & Derek moved to California their career really took off. I don't know much of the details as I have been out of "real contact" until recently, but I do know that they worked/work with some of the TOP names in the dance industry including Deborah Cox, Jania, Niki Haris and Nemesis. They have choreographed for major celebrities as well.

Advocate Photo

LA'S BEST DJ's - THE PERRY TWINS!

They were featured in The Advocate, are top DJ's in Los Angeles/West Hollywood and travel all over including Las Vegas and Miami and most importantly had a HIT DANCE SINGLE (reached # 3 on Billboard I believe) called 'Activate my Body'. The song is HOT. It is beyond catchy. It makes you move. They certainly have made it in my eyes. Currently they are working on their new single with Niki Haris. This should be released soon. You can check out http://www.theperrytwins.com/ and www.myspace.com/perrytwins for more info.

Anyway, this past week I had a semi "breakdown" (see previous post on Paxil). As soon as my cousins received the email, Doug wrote me. His email was very sweet and made me feel so cared for. It is just what I needed. It is what I needed on several accounts. a.) It showed me that they had genuine concern for me b.) It put me back in contact with them and c.) It has re-inspired me to HIT THE GYM! LOL! Have you seeeeeeeeeeen these guys???? LOL!

I am so blessed, so lucky to have such loving cousins. To have/had such a loving family. Yes many of the family members that mattered to me have passed away, but the lessons I learned from them are still alive within me. I was brought up with so much love, as were my other cousins. Our family was/is - just special. Kind, kind people. Lots of laughter and love. We may be VERY SMALL these days, but it's not the quantity - but the quality. We respect and love each other.

I know that I will try to never lose contact with Doug and Derek again. They matter to me. They are my family and ------- my friends. I love you guys.

Here is the video for 'ACTIVATE MY BODY' -- BLAST IT!

Activate My Body - The Perry Twins featuring Jania

Peace,


Des

Lover Of The Bayou!!

Unfortunately I am home tonight while Melanie is at her "Jersey" Bday. I wish I was with her but staying home, with the way I was feeling, was probably the best idea.

I did have a great day today, however! My mother and I ran some errands, went for lunch and then explored Warren, Barrington and Bristol. I hadn't spent much time in this part of Rhode Island so it was very cool and BEAUTIFUL! We went to Colt State Park which has a gorgeous beach and picnic facilities. The beach is free and the scenery rivals Newport. It is a great place to read, go for a swim, play some sports, BBQ - just relax. There is also a connector to the East Bay Bike Path! I can't wait to check this portion out with Mel.

I wanted to get a better feel for Bristol just in case Mel goes to Roger Williams University Law School. I drove by that as well. Wow. After visiting 5 law schools in Boston, I can honestly say this one is the most beautiful - by far. It overlooks Newport Harbor and has a beautiful green lawn, modern buildings (which seem huge) and a great location (right over Mont Hope Bridge is Newport). The town of Bristol is adorable. It is filled with waterfront restaurants, shops and lots of water activities (kaying, canoeing, fishing). The East Bay Bike Bath also has a great section here (where it ends, I believe). I loved it.

Anyway, very nice day, although I do miss Melanie and wish I was with her. But is it good she gets this time with her friends and family. I'll be with her on her REAL birthday, August 31st and am throwing a small party for her next Saturday.

I am going to end this blog with my current song obsession: 'Lover of the Bayou' by Mudcrutch (a.k.a. Tom Petty's new band). This song is a remake of a Byrd's classic, and I LOVE IT! I can't get enough of it. BLAST IT!!! Close your eyes (I find Tom Petty a tad bit annoying...lol), but God, the song just ROCKS. You need to be on Interstate 10 heading toward New Orleans or Baton Rouge. Some songs just hit me right in the gut. Even though his voice gets a little TOO MUCH like Bob Dylan's (ugh) - I still like most of his music. And what a cool name for a band!? Mudcrutch. ENJOY!

Peace,

Des

Washington County Fair - Richmond, RI

I have mixed emotions about the Washington County Fair in Richmond, RI. Melanie and I went this Saturday, August 16th. On one hand it was tons of fun with cute animals, great music and good food. On the other hand it was sad to see the animals displayed. We saw a sign that said the pigs were for sale and could end up in "your freezer" after the show! :( Sniff. That's sad. Although I do like ham, nonetheless. We also saw some goats manhandled in a competition show. They were basically being dragged by a chain. I couldn't watch. I saw many empty water canisters and the animals all looked so tired. BUT, I am sure I am just over-reacting, being the city girl I am.

The crowd was very interesting! It was cool to see so many "country folk" in Rhode Island. I sometimes forget that South County is full of farms. I felt like I was in the Midwest at one point. I may be from the city but I love the country lifestyle. I love the whole "redneck" thing. I do. Southern rock bands. BBQ. The gentle, if not intimidating looking, guys on motorcycles. The ladies in their leather vest. The cowboy hats. Beards. Corn on the cob. Apple cobbler. Turkey legs. The John Deer equipment. Farmer jeans. White t-shirts. You get the idea.

Here are some of the images I caught. I think they represent the atmosphere pretty well. It was a beautiful summer day, around 78 degrees.

Enjoy!

-Des

I love this picture of the cowboy and city girl together.

This picture of Melanie & the cowboy is very, very cool! It came out dark so I played around with the colors and love it.

The fair grounds were gorgeous. I love Rhode Island.

How cute is this? This pretty much sums everything up! LOL!

I love this picture of the "punk rock" girl hanging out at the "country fair"

I thought this kid was "so country" - like he should be on a dirt bike during the early 1980's!

How typical is this picture of a country fair? The Dixie Flag? Um.

How cute is this sheep? Aw!

And they get cuter and cuter! Look at the ears!

This is when I got angry and sad.

Poor guys! :(

My loving Melanie checked out the toilet for me to make sure "all was well" - what an experience that was for me. Woah.

Typical Country Fair photo!

Look, the cow has a trailer! Just like a Hollywood actor! LOL!

The two boys in the background struck me as very "country"

Did Kenny Chesney make an appearence here?

Look, it's Bambi's cousin! Bambo!

But of course, right?

I cracked up laughing when I saw this billy goat named April (inside joke) - too cute!

Gorgeous Richmond, RI

Gorgeous Richmond, RI

Country Fairs are very, veeeeery patriotic!

Melanie had to touch and observe just about EVERYTHING. Everythiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

I love this picture! This is an image everyone has when thinking of a country fair.

It's the cowboy again! He was having a rip'rorin good time!

Cowboy man watching VERY GOOD country band.

Festival goers looking for snacks!

The layout was very cute. They had lots of different food to choose from.

I love this picture of the lady covering her nose. We were close to the pig stalls. Hello (mostly) Rhode Islander's!

I don't know why but the people in this photo remind me of the early 1980's. Hick-town!

Mother and son contemplating what to munch on.

This lady had no problem figuring out what she wanted! Rock on!

My week thus far...

I haven't written in awhile so I figured I would touch base!

The past few days have been spent working, running around, cooking and exercising.

I had the pleasure of hanging out with my best buddy, Devan and her beautiful, adorable, happy little girl, Jillian.


This baby isn't even 6 months old and she already has that "old soul" personality. She is kind. She is going to be, what I call, a "red cape" person. I could just tell. Spreading kindness and love to those around her. I am so lucky to have Devan, Jillian and Bruce in my life. What GOOD people they are. I love you guys.

We went for dinner at 'Bob & Timmy's Grilled Pizza' on Spruce Street "up da hill" (Federal Hill). Oh my god. The pizza was delicious. Dev doesn't like cheese so she ordered a pizza with chicken, tomatoes and mushrooms and (??). I ordered the Pizza Margarita. Woah. Wow. It had basil, mozerella, and tomatoes. Extremely good. Pizza's were around $14 each which is typical for Federal Hill (Caserta's is the same). I find grilled pizza's last longer. I had maybe 4 pieces, possibly 5 (they are cut into small squares). Their house salad was a deal at $5.00. Two people could easily share it and their dressing was delicious. I can't wait to go back. My mother and Elizabeth even stopped by to meet Jillian and say hello to Devan.
After dinner Devan took for desert at La Dolce Vita on 'The Plaza'. Dev ordered the tiramisu and I ordered a crepe with bananas and nutella. Again, delicious. However, I find their deserts to be just a "little too rich" for my tummy. They are also pricey ($10 for the tiramisu and $8, I believe, for the crepe). Jillian was an angel! We left just before 9pm, which is her bed time.

The next day I had to take Mitzy to have her teeth checked at City Kitty (a.k.a. Lesbian Kitty).


She was such a good girl! For whatever reason her ass was up in the air the entire time we were there....lol. She DOES need to have her teeth cleaned and most likely some teeth extracted. But this is very important for pets and helps pro-long their life. After all is done and said it is going to cost me close to $550.00!!!!!!!!! Sigh. But she is worth my last penny.

Yesterday I had my interview for a front desk agent at the new Hampton Inn opening in Downtown Providence this December. It went EXTREMELY well. I am pretty confidant I got the job. Yaay. The owner, Michael, was a sweetheart! So down to earth and funny. He is going to a Jimmy Buffett concert (his brother in-law is a huge fan and his sister in-law is a travel agent). I really enjoyed talking with him. This 2nd job will be a nice supplement to Out & About Travel. It'll be nice to not have to really worry about money for awhile, not to mention, getting a new car!!!

Other than that I have been cooking up Bobby Flay meals (lol, I am obsessed) and working out.

I am excited because it's Melanie's BIG Bday next Saturday in Jersey (her real bday is Aug 31). We are going to have a party for her here on the 30th as well. It'll be nice to meet her new friends.

Again, nothing too exciting going on. Which, at times, is a good thing.


Wait, how could I forget? By some miracle I was able to scoop up 2 Jimmy Buffett tickets for his Sept 4 show in Mansfield, Ma!!!! I was at ticketmaster.com and "took a chance" to see if some seats were released and low and behold! :-D So exciting! This will be Melanie's first Buffett concert. I need to dust off my parrothead gear! ;-)

Anyway, back to work I go!

Peace,
Des

I promise THIS is it!

And last but not least....

Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick
By Jeanie Lerche Davis

Thermostat settings. Dirty socks. Toothpaste caps. Our little habits make our spouses crazy. But no two people are ever truly compatible, so quit nitpicking each other, relationship experts advise. Save the battles for the big issues—and you'll have a happy marriage.Susan Boon, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, teaches classes in interpersonal relationships. A few years ago, she picked up the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by John Gottman, MD, psychologist, relationship researcher for 30 years, and founder of The Gottman Institute in Seattle. Ever since discovering the book, Boon has recommended it to her students.

Here are the secrets of a happy marriage…

Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. "Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about—that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been," she tells WebMD.Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that! Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable."

Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like."

A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice.

Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out," Boon tells WebMD. "Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives."

While it sounds easy—and while it can be easy—this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. "It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel."

It's true, research has shown that couples in satisfying, happy marriages have more positive emotions in their interactions—including discussions of problems, says Shae Graham Kosch, PhD, director of the behavioral medicine program in community health and family at the University of Florida at Gainesville.

Kosch has been married (to the same man) for 32 years. She has counseled unhappy couples just as long.

"Most marital conflicts don't ever get resolved," she tells WebMD. "There are always issues around in-laws, children. Solving the problems doesn't really matter. What's crucial is keeping things positive. You have to accept the other person's perspective, have an appropriate discussion without getting critical or blaming."

Other tips from Kosch: Men in good relationships don't react emotionally during conflicts. Men in bad relationships are more likely to withdraw from the discussion. They might actually leave the room, look at the ceiling, or tune out the conversation.

Wives in negative relationships also get entrenched in their particular viewpoint and ultimately feel greater anger and contempt.Your attitude toward your spouse plays out over the long haul, she adds.

"Couples that have good marriages retain their mutual respect and understanding of each other—even during discussions of their differences—will stay together much longer."

The Myers-Briggs personality test has helped many couples tune into their own psyches—whether they're a thinking or feeling type, decisive or perceiving, or flexible. Those insights into themselves help their relationships.

"It's a nonjudgmental measurement. It doesn't say that anyone is too rational or overly emotional. We all have these characteristics; in some people they are more dominant."

Most importantly, for a happy marriage, be committed to seeing your partner's perspective, she tells WebMD. "Have a willingness to understand, make changes in yourself, and find some method to get out of negative communication patterns—negativity that just escalates. Sometimes that couple just can't move forward. They develop what I call 'manure-colored glasses.'"

One trick that works: Discussing conflicts while talking on the phone, rather than face to face. "That removes all nonverbal cues. She won't see him looking at the ceiling; he won't see her rolling her eyes. It keeps things more positive."

Step by Step to Resolving Issues

"Conflict is common, and a healthy dose of conflict is okay," says Terri Orbuch, PhD, a research scientist with the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. She's also a family therapist and the "Love Doctor" on a Detroit radio station.

In her research, Orbuch has studied one group of couples for the past 16 years. "How you deal with it, that's what matters in a happy marriage," she tells WebMD. "You have to fight fair. Stay calm. You cannot be at problem-solving best when you're angry. Come back to the situation when you're not, and you can have a whole new perspective."Also, pick your battles. "You can't have a conflict over everything. We call it 'kitchen sinking'—bringing up things that happened five, 10 years ago," says Orbuch.

For a happy marriage, here's how to deal with conflict:

Bring it up in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. No name calling," she advises.
Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality qualities.

In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. "Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then people can change the behavior," Orbuch tells WebMD. "Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."

Use "I" statements. Instead of "you're a very messy person' say 'I'm really bothered when you put clothes on the floor." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage, she says.

Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously, she says. "Take a breath, count to 10, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening."

Take a break. "If you're going back and forth, if you find blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds," she says. "Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, dismissing them."

Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time—not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."

Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. "I'm a true believer in this," says Orbuch. "Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution." Her research "has shown, time and time again, that conflict is not important, that how you manage conflict, how you handle it over the long haul, really is important to a happy marriage," Orbuch tells WebMD.

"I'm a big believer in direct, meaningful communication—but you have to choose the right time."Also, compromise is necessary in long-term relationships, she adds. "But each partner has to feel that it's reciprocal. One can't feel that they're making all the compromises." When one spouse makes all the compromises, it's uncomfortable for both—not just the one giving in."You have to remember there are ebbs and flows in relationships," Orbuch says. "There will be times when you're making the compromises. But there will be other times when your partner is making them. As long as in the long-term things are reciprocal, that's what is important."

Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD, on May 30, 2006.

How else do you think Oprah & Gail stay together??

Thought I was done?

And the OPRA-THON keeps on churning!

More interesting crap from www.oprah.com

Personality Types:



The Director

Specific activities in the testosterone system are what distinguishes this type. Again, although we think of the hormone as male, it is shared by both sexes, and there are many full-blooded women Directors. Whatever the gender, people of this type are competitive. They strive to be top dog and have many skills to get there. They are pragmatic, tough-minded, and most notably decisive, able to make up their minds rapidly, even when faced with difficult choices. Rational analysis, logical reasoning, and objectivity are their core strengths. They also pay attention to details and can focus their attention to the exclusion of everything around them—an ability that enables them to weed out extraneous data and progress on a straightforward path toward a specific goal: the solution. Many Directors are also ingenious, theoretical, and bold in their ideas. Moreover, they are willing to take unpopular, even dangerous paths, to get to the truth. So they persist and often win.

Directors are particularly skilled at understanding machines and other rule-based systems, from computers and math problems to the details of biology, world finance, or architecture. They excel at sports, and often have an acute ear for all kinds of music. Their interests can be narrow; but they pursue them deeply and thoroughly. And they can captivate those who share their hobbies.

Placating leaves the Director cold. He or she often chooses to do a good job rather than please others. In fact, Directors are the least socially skilled of the four types. When preoccupied with work or personal goals, they can appear aloof, distant, even cold, and are generally not interested in making social connections, with the exception of those that are useful or exciting to them.

As with the other types, the traits that make Directors so successful may become grating: For example, their confidence can veer into bragging, their exactitude turn uncompromising, and their forthrightness simply seem rude. And because they often see issues in black and white, they miss the nuances of social, business, and personal situations. But thanks to their dedication, loyalty, and interest in sharing ideas, Directors make close friends. And they can be fiercely protective of those they love.


The Builder

Calm, affable, and people oriented, the Builder's personality is influenced by the serotonin system. Social situations are often fun and relaxing for Builders; they like to network. Because duty and loyalty are their strong suits, they often acquire a devoted pack of peers and pals. And they're true guardians when it comes to family and friends.Builders are cautious—but not fearful. They think concretely. They have a clear memory of yesterday's mistakes, so they prepare. These people are not impulsive with their money, their actions, or their feelings. Security is important to them. Structure and order are, too. Taking particular pride in upholding social norms, many are traditional, and they often have a strong moral streak.

Builders don't get bored easily, which enables them to be methodical, hardworking, and dependable. Thanks to all these solid qualities, they tend to be regarded as pillars of the community.

But Builders can go overboard. In their quest to do things the "proper way," they can be intolerant of other ways. Indeed, they can be stubborn. And with their need for order, rules, and schedules, they can stifle spontaneity. Their stoicism can turn into pessimism, their conformity into rigidity, and their concrete thinking sometimes makes them too literal. Normally, however, Builders are community minded, industrious, and popular with colleagues and companions.


The Explorer

Explorers have a very active dopamine system, a brain chemical associated with the tendency to seek novelty, among other qualities. An Explorer might look up from the newspaper on Sunday and say, "Want to go to Warsaw?"—and by Wednesday you're in Poland. Champions of "never a dull moment," these adventurers live to discover new people, places, things, or ideas, often on the spur of the moment.

Friends, family, and colleagues frequently regard them as highly independent and autonomous.Explorers have more energy than most people; they tend to be restless, sometimes fast-paced. And they are highly curious—"For always roaming with a hungry heart," as Tennyson put it.

Constantly generating new ideas or creative insights, they easily shift their attention from one thing to another. Although the classic Explorer is a race-car driver, South Pole trekker, or bad-boy rocker who lives hard, taking drugs and having risky sex, I know many who exercise their passion for adventure by reading several hours a day; collecting stamps, coins, or antiques; or walking through the byways of a city.

People quickly like most Explorers. Generous and sunny, they tend to be playful, sensual, sometimes hedonistic, often unpredictable, and regularly amusing. But they can be difficult to take—especially in a marriage. They do not tolerate boredom well. So they are generally not interested in routine social or business events. In fact, Explorers try to avoid routine of almost any kind, and can trample on another person's cherished beliefs and habits—not to mention be impatient.

The Negotiator

Negotiators have specific personality traits that have been linked with estrogen. Although estrogen is known as a female sex hormone, men have it, too, and there are plenty of male Negotiators. As the name suggests, this type is superb at handling people. Negotiators instinctively know what others are thinking and feeling. They artfully read facial expressions, postures, gestures, and tone of voice. Their interest in identity extends not only to others but to themselves. So they are introspective and self-analytical—men and women who take pleasure in journeying into their thoughts and motives.

As a result, when they form a partnership, they like to delve deeply into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.Not only do Negotiators connect psychologically, they also have the ability to remain mentally flexible. When they make decisions, they weigh many variables and consider various ways to proceed; they see things contextually, rather than linearly—I call it web thinking. As a result, they tend to be comfortable with ambiguity. Negotiators can be highly intuitive and creative. And they like to theorize. Perhaps their most distinctive characteristic is verbal fluency, the facility for finding the right words rapidly. With this skill—alongside an agreeable and accommodating nature, compassion, social savvy, and patience—the Negotiator can be very friendly, diplomatic, and authentic.

But as with all qualities, these traits can warp. Negotiators sometimes become such placators they appear wishy-washy to the point of spinelessness. Because they're not willing to confront, they can turn to backstabbing. With their need to examine all the possibilities, they can get bogged down in rumination as opposed to action. And in a relationship, their desire to connect and dissect all the subtle meanings between the two of you can become cloying and invasive.'

More from O-Town

Another article I found very, very interesting.

Now if only we studied for LIFE the way we do for, say, school, wouldn't life be so much better???

Intentional Dialogue Exercise

According to marriage therapist Dr. Harville Hendrix, there are three basic steps to achieving healthy communication, plus an extra "gift" that will really strengthen your dialogue.

Learn the crucial communication technique that helps couples move beyond painful arguments and power struggles.

Step One: Mirroring: Listen to your partner without judgment or distorting his thoughts and feelings.

Step Two: Validating: It's not enough just to listen. You must learn to pay close attention in order to "understand your partner's truth."

Step Three: Empathizing: Once the feeling is expressed, it's time to put yourself in your partner's shoes.

The Gift: Transform frustration into fulfillment—learn how to change something painful into a "gift."


Intentional Dialogue Exercise

Mirroring

Dr. Harville Hendrix says the first step of an intentional dialogue is to mirror your partner and let him be heard without judgment.

Mirroring Exercise

Tell your partner the message you would like him to hear. The message should start with "I" and describe your feelings.

Example: "I feel hurt when you talk down to me."

Your partner then mirrors your message.

Example: "If I got it, you feel hurt when I talk down to you. Did I get it?"

If you feel your partner didn't understand your message, explain again, and have him mirror you until the message is received.

Complete the message. If you were heard accurately, your partner says, "Is there more about that?" This helps you complete your feelings and prevents your partner from responding to incomplete messages.

When the message is completed, your partner then summarizes all of the message.

Example: "Let me see if I got that..."He should check for accuracy with, "Did I get it all?"When your message has been heard accurately, you can then move on to the next step.


Intentional Dialogue Exercise

Validating

It's not enough just to listen—you must understand your partner's truth. "It's not enough just to be heard," says Dr. Harville Hendrix, "It's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy?'"

Validating Exercise

Your partner does not have to agree with your argument to validate it. And in order to validate your message, he needs to use the right language. He should use sentences like this: "You make sense because…" or "I can see what you're saying…."

Using the phrase, "makes sense" may be helpful—it tells you that your partner doesn't think your feelings are crazy.

Your partner must make certain that you feel validated before moving on. If you do, move on to the next step.

Intentional Dialogue Exercise

Empathizing

The next big step in the dialoguing process is for your partner to empathize with your expressed feelings. "Figure out the feeling, and go to that place with him or her," says Dr. Harville Hendrix.

"Step into that place with them and they will know you exist for them in that moment. That's a connection."

Empathy Exercise

Your partner can start the empathy exercise with a statement such as, "I can imagine that you might be feeling…" or "I can see you are feeling…."
Since it's impossible to know exactly what a person feels, your partner should check for accuracy.

He should ask "Is that what you're feeling?" If he didn't understand the feeling, you should readdress the message.

If you share new feelings with you partner upon reiteration, he must mirror those feelings.

For example, "Is there more about that feeling?" Once your partner has gone through these steps, an extra "gift" helps solidify the discussion.

Giving the Gift

What is it that you want that you're not getting? Learn how to transform something painful into a gift.

Dr. Harville Hendrix suggests giving your partner a behavior change request in the form of a "gift.""

Instead of beating your partner up about it, translate the frustration into the wish," he says.

The Gift

It's time to ask your partner for a small, positive request. Start by asking something as simple as, "Right now, can I make a request?"

Example: "Can you come and hug me? Can you say a kind word to me?" Your partner should comply.

Keep working at giving each other "gifts" until a shift occurs and you can see your partner without judgment."

Once couples can rely on these gifts, the safety arena will go up and the defensive barriers go down," Dr. Hendrix says.

When you are finished with your intentional dialogue, reverse roles. You are now the receiver of your partner's feelings and should start with the mirroring exercise.


-Des

Oh that Oprah!

So this morning over breakfast consisting of a bagel and apple cider (really, what was I thinking with the cider??...gurgle.....), I found myself sucked into the wonder that is www.oprah.com. What a fascinating site! There were so many articles I found interesting.

Here is one sample....

EMOTIONAL STYLES

Abandonment
The ongoing fear that people will leave is at the root of this emotional style. These people may fear that if they rock the boat in the smallest way, the ones they love will leave. Or, they may adapt by running away from a relationship before they can be hurt.

If this emotional style applies to you, it's important to learn that you won't fall apart if someone leaves you. Be aware of the fear that any kind of abandonment stirs up — hypersensitivity to separation, dread of being isolated. Mindfulness can help track this emotional style and prevent it from ruling your life.


Entitlement
People with this emotional style feel that rules don't apply to them. They may have been spoiled as a child, or the love they received was based on a certain quality — looks, academics, athletic skills. These people often exaggerate their prowess, usually to hide a feeling of inadequacy, or feel they are entitled to more than their fair share of compensation. They also display a lack of self-discipline, and the inability to delay gratification.

If your emotional style is entitlement, try to be aware of the negative impact your actions have on the people around you. Mindfulness can help you learn to catch yourself before you overstep appropriate limits, and connect with your deeper feelings so you can deal with them directly.


Perfectionism
People with this emotional style unrelentingly hold themselves to the highest standards. No matter how well they do, it's never good enough, so they drive themselves until the rest of their life suffers. This emotional style drives people to push themselves in sports, at school, in physical appearance, or for social status.

If this emotional style applies to you, realize that lowering your standards will be a relief. You will have time and energy to have your other needs met, including the need for downtime. Being mindful will help you examine and challenge the self-criticism.


Subjugation
This emotional style revolves around the feeling that your own needs never take priority in an intimate relationship. These people give in easily, but their hidden resentment can smolder into anger and rage. Some will overreact at the least sign of being controlled, while others are unable to make even a simple commitment.

If this describes you, get in touch with your resentment, so that you can begin to assert your wishes and needs effectively. Being mindful will help you track your automatic reactions — the anger or thoughts that are primed by the fear that you will be controlled.


Deprivation
At the heart of this emotional style is the belief, "My needs won't be met." No matter how much is given to people of this style, it never feels like enough. Some people overindulge in an attempt to nurture themselves, while others become the caretaker they never had, and may gravitate to careers in which they help others, like social work or nursing.

If your emotional style is deprivation, examine how your need to be nurtured affects your relationships. You should become aware of a tendency to distort your interpretation of the actions of others. People might enjoy your company without wanting anything more. Mindfulness will help you begin to communicate your needs more clearly, and to seek more emotionally available partners.


Exclusion
Finding yourself on the outside of things often leads to this emotional style. The perceived message is, "You're not like us." This feeling typically causes a person to stay on the edge of the action, reinforcing the feeling of exclusion. This may lead avoidance of groups in adulthood, or conversely, cause someone to revel in their outcast role.

If you feel excluded, learn to feel and challenge your fears by making efforts to initiate conversations, and learning to master your anxiety. Mindfulness will help you step back from thoughts that make you uncomfortable.


Mistrust
Suspiciousness and a quick temper are typical of this emotional style. Often the mistrust stems from having been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. People of this style tend to gravitate to relationships in which their worst fears are confirmed, getting involved with people who treat them badly.

If this describes you, you may want to work with a therapist specializing in clients who have been abused. Treatment may involve revisiting your memories and expressing your anger, which is an essential emotional step. Mindfulness can help you become aware of your tendency to assume betrayal, and help you challenge those thoughts.


Failure
A typical feeling in this emotional style is being deficient despite one's accomplishments. This can lead people to push themselves extremely hard, despite the constant fear of failure. Some fall prey to the imposter phenomenon — you succeed, but secretly feel you're a fraud and will be found out. Others discover that believing they will fail becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you see yourself in this emotional style, learn to more accurately assess your talents and abilities, as well as accept that your accomplishments are truly deserved. Being mindful will help you identify and challenge your internal negative thoughts.


Unlovability
The automatic assumption that "I'm not lovable" typifies this emotional style. Shame and humiliation, along with a feeling of being flawed, are this style's prominent emotions. Two patterns are seen in people who feel unlovable. Some give in to their deep feeling of unworthiness, while others hide behind arrogance, seeking public recognition and adulation.

People with this emotional style may find it hard to be genuine in a relationship. One thing you can do is challenge the thoughts that amplify your flaws. Mindfulness will help you learn to feel confident that those close to you know and love you as you are, and you will begin to heal.


Vulnerability
The key element of this emotional style is an exaggerated fear that something terrible is about to happen. This can lead to thriftiness to the point of denying yourself pleasure, or embracing some health fad to ward of disease. At its extreme, it takes the form of a phobia, like fear of flying. Some people react by constantly seeking reassurance, while others overcompensate by taking risks.

People with this emotional style can win emotional freedom by mindfully monitoring their thoughts, rather than letting them dictate their behavior. Meditation can also help calm your mind


Interesting.....

Peace,

Des

Another great song

Okay, this Edwin McCain sure does sing words that I appreciate. Love this song.

This is a video a fan made for the TV show "Friends". I use to love the characters Monica and Chandler. This is a cute, moving video.

Could Not Ask for More - Edwin McCain



LYRICS:

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments
I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Chorus:

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment
is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for And I could not ask for more

Chorus

I could not ask for more than the love you give me '
Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

Wow, Great Lyrics

I don't know what made me think of this song, but boy does it tug at my heart strings.

I figured I'd post this version, with just lyrics, for you all to soak in.

I'll Be - Edwin McCain



LYRICS:

I'll be--Edwin Mccain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.

Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

Chorus:

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.

Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

[Chorus]

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

[Chorus:]

I'll be your crying shoulder,I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.

For my best friend Devon

This is my best friend Devon, and that is one lucky, beautiful baby, Jillian Marie Gould (daddy Bruce isn't pictured).

As you will see in the below pictures, Ms. Jillian is growing into one beautiful little girl. And can we please have a second for how HAPPY she seems? This baby's face just radiates with joy. I am guessing she knows how lucky she got in the parent department! :)
Devon has been my friend since I was 15 years old. We met at La Salle Academy and survived (sometimes barely) our highschool years. I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. Thinking back, the first really memory I have of Devon is that of an "artsy" girl. She was unique and if I had to use a term that was popular in the 90's, she was "alternative". Words that come to mind when thinking of Devon: mystical, psychic, kindhearted, understanding, warm, nurturing, do-gooder, strong, independent, daughter, sister, lover, mother, humorous, hard working, laid back, non-judgemental, reliable, good listener, motivator, angel and other more unique words like tarot, moon, stars, incense, aura.

I remember Devon always being there for me in highschool. She would call me all the time, and I, being the phone phobic I was, would rarely call back, but she never backed down. She didn't take it personal. She stuck with me. Never gave up. This made me respect and value her friendship more and more. Especially today, as a 32 year old woman.

Devon knows my mother, Elizabeth, met my dad, my brother and most importantly my aunt. She was there for every relationship, especially, Tennille, April and now Melanie. She was always on my side. My true confidant. Back in 94 when my first girlfriend, Tenille, and I broke up, it was the worst pain I had ever experienced. It it wasn't for Devon (and my other friend Billy), I honestly don't know how I would've healed. So many nights we just hung out and talked and/or cried. They comforted me and got me through that dark place. Such love and support. How lucky was/am I? I want Devon to know that I couldn't have made it through without her. I just loved/love and appreciate her so much.

Ah, so many funny stories enter my mind when I think of Devon. One of my favorites involve my great-aunt Rose, who was like a 2nd mother to me and one of my best friends - ever. She knew how much I loved Devon and how close I was and bless her heart, she ALWAYS mixed up the names of my her friend, my friends, family members etc., (it was an ongoing joke in our family).
Case in point...

I had a friend named Maria Marbles - her name became: MARBLES

My (ex) partner of 10 years, April, became - Opie

I myself was called Denise and/or Debbie many times

Her dog Cliff was called CLIT a time or two

But the best in my opinion and the most OFF, yet surprisingly on in many ways, was when she called Devon - WENDY. LOL!!!! She said that is the name that came to mind for Devon because she reminded her of Wendy from the cartoon Casper with her long blond hair.

Now this I could see. Remember, Devon was one of those "artsy" type, psychic/tarot, stars & moons type girls!! And I thnk my aunt had seen the movie where Hilary Duff plays Wendy - so that is quite the compliment if you ask me. My aunt loved Devon. She would always say how much she liked "Wendy" and I would never correct her, because in her mind, that was her name. Too funny. I remember once my aunt talking to me and saying that Devon was a TRUE friend. My mother has said the same as well.

Before I move on from the high school years, let me also just say that Devon was there for every band concert I was ever in. As a tomboy, feeling like you have a "groupie" is quite appreciated and great for the ego! :-) She supported me on the level a parent should. She would show up with her little "clan", sit in the front row and cheer me on. I don't know if I ever expressed it enough back then, but THANK YOU for that boost of confidence Dev. It was so needed and helped me SO much. I truly appreciated that support.

Another thing too is how much time I use to spend over Devon's house. I can't count the times I would be asked to stay for dinner. I use to love sitting around the table with Dev and her mom, Marie, and little sister Lauren. Devon's mom was the first adult I felt comfortable enough to come out to. I was 17 years old! They were just so open and accepting. It was wonderful. We use to have so much fun - just sitting around and talking. You learn so much about each other and yourself but just SITTING and TALKING sometimes. Its one of my favorite things to do. To hang out and have deep, soulful conversations. I met Devon's father, brother and grandmother as well as uncles and other friends. I did feel like part of the family. As much as "my personality" and "issues" would allow me to. They always accepted me - for me.

Some memories from Devon's house: Her mom in her green (or blue?), ER, nurse scrubs. The distinct tone of her mom's voice and laughter and the way she always made me feel welcome & comfortable in her house. The way her mom TALKED and listened to me. Her mom's advice and laid back attitude. The friendship and love between Devon and her mom. Devon's mom always being so generous and feeding me! LOL! She would bring home take out many nights such as Chinese or KFC. These ladies fed me a lot! LOL! Devon's distinct, adorable laugh and the way she would look at me with a look of amusement/confusement and love, Lauren lying in the living room floor, eating cheese macaroi, watching 'The Mask'. Devon's basement where she would tell me ghostly stories that made my eyes tear up with fear but also caused 100% intriguement! I remember being over Devon's house and watching her clean and clean and clean. She was like a 2nd mommy to Lauren, picking her up and dropping her off places. She was just SO KIND and GOOD to everyone. What a beautiful person Devon is. I remember cats. I remember a nice, big back yard. I just remember feeling at home.

One of my favorite memories is just TALKING and LAUGHING with Devon. It didn't matter where we were or what we did, we always talked and laughed. We just had/have that connection.

Then, like most things in life, things changed. After graduation Dev and I kept in touch for a few years and then would lose touch for a year or two and then found each other again. It had been awhile since Dev and I had spoken and then one day in May, 2002, I get this random card from Devon saying she missed me and had been wanting to write for some time but something inside told her that she HAD to get in touch with me at THIS time. What Dev didn't know was that my aunt had passes away a week or so before that letter. Wow. Amazing? Yup. Psychic? You bet you ass. Since 2002, Dev and I really never LOST TOUCH again. I mean, we didn't see each other as much as we'd like - but we did stay in constant touch, one way or another. Much of the "not seeing each other" thing was my doing. I went through a bad case of social anxiety/phobia in my mid/late 20's. I missed out on so much. But Dev always accepted it and never made me feel bad. Not for one second.

From 2002-2006 a lot has happened to both of us. Many good and many bad things. breakups, sickness, money issues and on the flip side new love, marriage, rejuvenated health, the birth of Devon's first child, purchase of a new house, moving forward etc.,.

Through it all, Dev and I still kept in contact and that brings us to today.

Since last weekend I have been going through something very new and scary to me. I use to think I was depressed before but there was always "just enough" to keep my head above the water. This time, I am bopping up and down in the water. I think for the first time ever, I am truly depressed and need serious help. All my life circumstances have caught up with me and I just can't "take it" anymore. I am broken apart in more ways that I think anyone could truly understand, that is, beside Devon. I wrote the most heart-felt PLEE of my life on Saturday Aug 2nd and posted it on my blog. I didn't get the responses I had hoped for, not until Devon sent me EXACTLY what I needed. A reminder of the person I am. She wrote about how much she loved me. How good a person she thinks I am. How important I am to her. She thanked me for being there for her throughout the years. Her letter not only made me cry, it made me smile and feel some sense of happiness inside. I felt THIS person TRULY cares about me. I say that because Devon is more about action than just words. In her email she didn't just spew out "words" to me, she through out a solution - like "dragging my ass" out of the house and "not taking no for an answer". She threatened, in a loving way, to be more "pushy" with me and we already have plans to get together next Tuesday night. I love actions. Actions is what = love. Devon proves she "loves" me over and over again. I wish I could post the email for you all to see, but that would be a little too personal to share with you all. All I can say is it is the most heart-felt, loving letter I have ever gotten in my entire life - from anyone. Here is a new mother, wife and full-time worker and yet she found the time to sit down and write this beautiful letter to HELP ME. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Yet again Devon was intuned to me and what I NEEDED. I needed some TLC, some kindness. I needed to hear how much and why I matter. I honestly through I would hear from more people, but again, Devon is more about the action and she will always have my love and respect because of that.

I want this blog to be a dedication to my dear friend. My best friend. The closest thing I have to a sister. My Devon.

Devon, I love you and I appreciate you. I am happy for all your good fortune and wish you nothing but continued happiness.
I want to be the best friend you ever had in your life. I not only want this, but I need it. I need to feel connected to people and what better people are there, than your family. Your Bruce. Your Jillian. Your mother and sister. I love you guys. I sincerely love you guys. You have always opened your arms to me Devon and for the first time ever ------- I am jumping in. I am not ashamed. I crave that interaction and acceptance. So thank you. Thank you for being my best friend and for PROVING that you will be there for me. Actions speak louder than words and Devon both your words and actions speak wonders to my heart.

From the pit of my soul, THANK YOU.

I love you,

Love,

Des