Abuse in disguise

Once upon a time there was this man who was married with two kids. One of his blood, his daughter, and an adopted son.

For 25 years he lived his lie.

This man was seen by many as charismatic, charming, witty and the life of the party.

What they didn't know was the monster that lived within. The monster capable of horrendous things. Cruel acts that would scar people for life.

This man once started an affair with a young man 30 years his junior.

He became a "dad" figure, offering love, support and understanding which always turned into something sexual.

Sex = love to the emotionally fucked up, don't you know?

He would seek out troubled boys, young men.....innocent, emotionally damaged boys who needed "help"....and, in the end, he would get what he wanted....sex......sex with someone young enough to be his son.

He didn't care that he was married.

He didn't care the long term effect this would have on the boys and young men he seduced.

This man lied to his wife and made her think he was faithful.

This man lied to his children and made them think he was a good person.

Oh, but wait, this same man molested his son for many years. Hiding his own homosexuality.

He is a pedophile.

A pervert.

A man capable of horrendous things.

A man who lusted after young men, not caring that they were young enough to be his son. In fact, this turned him on even more.

The more emotionally damaged these young men were, the more aroused he would become.

He fed off their NEED for him.

He "loved them" --- they became "his everything"......

He showered them with gifts and affection.....

Anything to make him feel less guilty for the truth of his deplorable actions.

The young men he would seduce so desperately needed a "father figure".....someone to equate love to.

He ended up controlling and manipulating these boys until they became his puppet. He someone convinced them that they needed him and that he was actually good for them.

These young men, emotionally damaged children stuck in a grown up's body, were his perfect victim.

What type person would cheat on their spouse?

What type person would hide their sexuality from their spouse and kids?

What type person would start an affair with someone 30 years his junior, close to his children's age?

What type person would seduce an emotionally damaged person?

What type person would do horrible, harassing things, to the innocent?

A person sick himself.

A person with no morals.

A person who thinks the world "owes him" and he can "do whatever he wants" regardless of who it effects.

A person with a chip on their shoulder.

A mentally unstable person.

Oh yes, a person with mental conditions, for sure.

A person like.....my dad.

Putting My Foot on the Brake

I am sitting across from my fiance. My beautiful, loving, kind, perfect-match. An admirable, honest, hard working, ethical, beautiful soul of a woman.

For whatever reason the universe thought it would be interesting if my path crossed that of my ex today and you know what? The universe is right. It was interesting. It said so much.

Some people never change. It is obvious that is the case with my ex.

As I was on the phone talking about my wedding (lol) my fiance, Jen, happened to look across at the car passing and noticed my ex and her "friend" who, let's just say, was rather affectionate.

This friend made eye contact with Jen and smothered my ex with disturbing motherly, err, friendly kisses. As I hung up the phone Jen said, "Um, I think that is ____ and _____." I laughed and said, "No way!" I sped up just a bit to confirm this and...yup....she was right. It was them. I laughed out loud, put my foot on the brake and let them keep driving on.

It was in that moment that I realized just how far I had come and how much I had been put through prior to meeting the amazing woman sitting by my side.

People break up. Relationships end. If you are a mature, respectful, honest person, you should be able to split in an amicable way. I was tortured so much this summer I ended up going to the police to file a report.

The police.

Me.

To file  a report against a woman I had onced loved and a stranger that doesn't know anything about me.

The filth and lies that were spread about me and my character were alarming, and quite honestly, scary. I was afraid for my safety and sometimes still feel that way.

I am at a place of pure happiness and contentment right now.

Seeing my ex today made me realize just how much this person is still the same and how much craziness I had to deal with.

As I put my foot on the break and watched them drive past, I felt freedom.

Freedom from the insanity that is SO NOT MY LIFE ANYMORE.

Ahhh.

Smile.

BIG SMILE.

I am sitting across from my gorgeous fiance who is, among other things, SANE.

SANE.


SANE.


SANE.


THANK YOU, GOD.

There are no games. No lying. No cheating. No deceit. No hiding. Nothing weird or off about our relationship.

We are two healthy, happy women in our 30's enjoying our lives together.

Jen explained to me the "look" in my ex's "friend's" eyes as she started to kiss her. She said it was wildly insane looking. I just nodded, laughed and said...."yup" ....Now someone else witnessed the insanity.

The ugliness of cruelty.

I treated my ex with nothing but love because I loved my ex. I loved her the way a healthy, normal person would love another. This seemed "abnormal" to her.

Normal = Abnormal and Abnormal = Normal.

I was nicknamed "the saint" for many reasons. When I would finally "erupt" and voice my anger or hurt, which I can count on one hand, I was made to feel "needy" and "too emotional".

What I was put through this summer would make people cringe. The emails I have saved. The emails I traced. The reports made to the cops. The harassment from a woman close to my mother's age and an ex I loved dearly.

Scary to say the least.

Scary that peole are capible of such cruelty.

Scary that people can believe their own lies.

Scary that lies to some people become reality.

Scary that people can look others in the eyes and pretend to be one way while living a lie.
Scary the lack of class these people have.

I told the cops that I would hook myself up to a lie detector machine, that is how honest I was being.

I showed them text messages from both myself and ex, showing the hurt and anger I was feeling.

I had no shame. Nothing to hide.

I was told I was actually "too nice".

So today as my classless ex laughed and "got affectionate" with her even more classless married, err, "friend".....I put my foot on the brake.

I put my foot on the break with a smile.....

I held onto my fiance's hand and said, "Now you know."


I held onto my fiance's hand and said, "I am so glad you got to witness that."

I had such an overwhelming feeling of love for Jen at that moment.

I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone else and I am FINALLY loved back in the way I deserve.

The way I deserve.

I deserve Jennifer Walsh and she deserves me...and you know what?

My ex deserves her "friend"....they seem perfect for each other.

Yeah. I put my foot on the brake.

I put my foot on the brake as I continued (and will continue) to keep moving forward.

Stop Trash Talking People - It makes you look Trashy, Stupid, Fat & Ugly....Idiot!

Pet Peeve Alert!!

 

I am sensitive. I use to think this was a bad thing until I saw a segment on sensitivity and how it is actually a good thing to be on high alert when it comes to how we treat and are treated by other people.



Sensitive is good. Hyper sensitivity is not. Luckily I am not hyper sensitive.





I've always been blessed with the ability to read people. From a very young age. For example, I know when someone is truly joking around and I know when someone is just being plain rude.


I don't like making fun of people. Now don't get me wrong. Maybe I am being hypercritical or just honest, I am no saint, I say things, very politically incorrect things, at times with my family and friends. The thing is, I do it FOR the shock value. I KNOW it is wrong...so very wrong....so I "jokingly" may say something to mock myself. The whole "DES, HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?" makes me laugh even harder.


With that said....I am also VERY alert to making fun of people. I hate that. No wait, I LOATH that. I despise it. It makes my blood boil and brings out my highest level of defensiveness.
 I don't find humor funny that mocks other people.


You won't catch me laughing at "retard jokes" - "fat jokes" - "stupid jokes" - "poor jokes" - "ugly jokes" - pretty much anything that may make someone sound like a snob.


The person who is making fun of a mentally handicapped person, larger sized person, un-educated person, financially troubled person, unattractive person (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder) etc., is the one that looks "stupid" and "ugly" in my book. You can go from an A+ rating to an F in an matter of seconds.....that is how sensitive I am.





Maybe it is because of the way I was brought up. My grandmother on my mom's side was always for "the underdog" as is my mother. My aunt, and come to think of it, most of my family has always been.


We are a VERY accepting family.


We don't care about looks, status, sexuality, education status etc., --- we care about....
 How we treat others and how we are treated in return.


Are we enjoying life and providing joy to others around us?


Are we being polite and courteous or rude and disrespectful?


I was brought up saying, "please & thank you" and to respect people.....especially those less fortunate than me.


THAT is what truly matters in life.


Not how well a person spells.


Not how much money a person makes.


Not how a person dresses.


Not how "cool" a person is.


Not how much "class" a person has.


Now how much a person weighs.


Nope.


How people TREAT me, and quite honestly, others, is what matters to me.


How do I feel in this person's presence?


I have been made fun of SO much in my life, but I have also been commended and praised and pat on the back, however, it is the making fun I remember.


I remember people calling my mom "fat" when I was in grade school.


I remember people making fun of me in grade school because I had a gap in my front teeth and had random breakouts.


I remember being corrected for my speech by my 7th grade teacher because my "th's" would sound like "d's" because of my gap.


People tease me because I don't drink alcohol, as if that is a bad thing? As if not wanting to puke is "stupid" and too "goody goody" of me? If that is the case, so let it be. Have fun puking.


People remember what you say....


Contrary to popular belief, WORDS DO HURT YOU, not just sticks and stones.


When you make fun of a person....whether you call them stupid, ugly, trashy, retarded, fat, loser, etc., -- you SCAR not only them, but yourself.


You chip away at your own class.


Again, I am not perfect, so maybe what I am writing is a bit hypercritical. The difference is I KNOW what I am saying is MEAN, POLICITICALLY INCORRECT etc., and is always said in private with people who understand I am going for shock value.


I don't know.

 I'm sensitive!! :-/


I am sensitive because I am not perfect.


I went to college for 3 years and was an English major and my spelling/grammar suck. Should I be made fun of?


I started my company in 1999 at the age of 23 and am still struggling financially. Should I be called poor? Trashy?


I sometimes pronounce words wrong. Am I stupid?


I am a size 12. Should I be called fat or judged for my weight?


So yeah.


If you make fun of people in front of me, be careful, because chances are it takes away a little of my respect for you. My defense goes up and I am instantly on the side of the "underdog" ---- it's just who I am. I can't help it.


It is a pet peeve and turn off.


Ask yourself, would you want to be made fun of for something similar?


Nobody like to be on the receiving end of a punch in the gut.....make sure you aren't the one doing the punching.


Maybe if I wasn't so sensitive this stuff wouldn't bother me....

But I am...and it does.

Ode to Facebook!

Ode to Facebook.

When I first started Out and About Travel I was dealing with a lot of health issues. I had a lot of anxiety which would cause my stomach to be upset, which would in return, give me more anxiety. It was a catch-22 to say the least. I started Out & About Travel because I was unable to hold down a 9-5 job on someone else's watch. Oh, I tried. I worked at travel companies throughout Rhode Island and even a popular gay agency in Boston up on Beacon Hill. I thank God for the experience I gained from these jobs, but I also thank God I had the drive and ambition to start my own company. True, I had no choice. I had to make a living and since I couldn't hold down a 9-5 job, what else was I to do but go into business for myself?


But this isn't a blog about that. This is a blog about Facebook.

Throughout the late 90's and until the mid 2000's....I was very.....lonely. I had an amazing partner who was my best friend and was close to my family. I also had one or two friends I'd see here and there, but mostly it was me, my mom, Elizabeth, aunt and April.





April would leave the house at 7:30am and not arrive home most nights until 7:30pm.
During the day it was me, the pets and Out & About Travel.


I didn't have any co-workers. Nope. No office parties for me! No one to complain about a situation to. No one to help me out of a silly rut. I was the all aspects of Out & About Travel, and although I loved the freedom of being my own boss, and still do, IT WAS VERY LONELY but that was before web sites like MySpace and Facebook came along, than I no longer felt alone. Myspace and Facebook gave me access to the outside world. I interacted with people on a daily basis. Old friends, new friends...family. It was/is fantastic.

 

Facebook especially changed my life. I remember over the summer when my ex and I broke up. I had never felt a dept of loneliness until then. It was Facebook that made me feel connected and "not so alone". My friends were ALWAYS with me. I am not much of a phone person either. I express myself way better through written word or face-to-face. Facebook gave me the opportunity to express myself and get feedback, pats on the back and ego boosts that I so desperately needed. I had/have no shame spilling my heart to people. I am an open book.


I use to go to bed at night, tears rolling down my cheeks with my blackberry tucked under my pillow. I knew that at any point I could sign on to Facebook and be greeted by friends and family. Someone would have words of encouragement or offer to meet up with me, come over etc.,
 

Whenever my phone broke or I had issues with it, I would panic, and still do.


That is my lifeline. The computer. The phone......these are my lifelines. My connections to YOU. My friends all over the world.


Facebook has helped me with the loss of a pet. It has helped me through breakups. It has seen me enter new relationships. I have asked for prayers on Facebook. I have broken down on Facebook. I have shared jokes and raw humor on Facebook and confessed my love on Facebook. It is my way of SHARING my life with all of you. Staying "in touch" ---- "keeping tabs on each other"........When Jen and I entered into a relationship, we couldn't wait to make it "Facebook official" - lol.

Same with the engagement. We wanted to share this info with all of you and provide maybe a tiny ounce of excitement to you all.

 I have gotten tips on what to do when I am sick on Facebook. I have gotten "trash talked" on Facebook. I have been praised on Facebook.


The list goes on and on....


Just today, I lost all power and my cell phone had died. I had just enough left to post a message on Facebook seeing if anyone knew what was going on. An acquaintance, from Florida noless - lol - found out information for me and posted it. I would've seen this had I headed out to a cafe to do some work, but my power turned on and there was the message waiting for me. Wow. Thank you Betsy for taking time out of your day to help an acquaintance from Rhode Island! :)


So, going back to my 20's, I dealt with a touch of social phobia which was also tied into anxiety. The Internet allowed me to express myself, to BE MYSELF, in the comfort of my own home. Now, I am happy to say, I am extremely outgoing, always "out & about" and interact with people both online and offline but Facebook has played a HUGE part in this. It has re-connected me with amazing people. Friends from childhood. Family members.....it helped me get to know my fiance, Jennifer, better.


I love Facebook.


I love that my mother can keep tabs on what is going on in my life, and befriend all my buddies.






I love that I can interact with my fiances mom & dad online since I don't see them that often.






I love sharing photos and funny stories/adventures with people and receiving feedback.






I also feel like I am no longer alone during the day when I work.






YOU, my community of friends/family on Facebook, are my "co-workers".......I have the greatest fun with you all.






So thank you for being part of my life. Whether in person, online - or both.






I appreciate this amazing creation called - Facebook! ;)



Pretty Boy

I haven't written about the "femme tomboy" thing in awhile.


For whatever reason it popped into my mind today that growing up I always admired "pretty boys".....I never looked at a woman and said, "Gee, I wish I looked like her." Now, when I do that I always say (jokingly), "If I was a girl I'd love to look like -- INSERT NAME HERE -- let's go with Katy Perry!" lol....but growing up, I always looked at guys and usually their hair cuts/style....and wanted to be like that. They were ALWAYS feminine men....sometimes more girly than girls themselves...lol.


Here is a list of "PRETTY BOYS" I have admired. These guys had SOMETHING...be it their hair, shape of body, sense of humor or talent I looked up to.

As a 100% gay woman, I find it very easy to admire qualities in men....especially "soft guys"......to me, these guys are beautiful.

Beautiful Post from my Jennifer

My girlfriend's latest blog post.... xoxoxo

http://enjoylifejw.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-am-engaged.html

Amazing Song....

Current song obsession....

She Said Yes!

I am officially ENGAGED!!!

I sat at the table in some dinky, hole-in-the-wall (yet charming) restaurant in Camden, Maine this past June 3rd, my 35th birthday. I was with my mother, Elizabeth and niece, Angel. I had just had an (almost) 5 year relationship end....via text (May 26). I was distraught. Heartbroken. Sick. I felt so betrayed. Alone. Afraid. Confused. I remember sitting in this restaurant, moose heads on the wall, blinking neon beer signs, loud chatter.....with tears rolling down my face. The area under my eyes swollen from all my crying. I looked and felt --- rough. I wasn't eating or sleeping, without the help of adivan. I felt stuck in my skin. Like I couldn't escape this awful feeling.

So, I sat in this restaurant and remember saying, "I am suppose to be engaged by this time next year." I felt like a brick building was laying on my chest as these words escaped my mouth. Both my mom & Elizabeth said, "Who knows, you may very well be!" I rolled my eyes and said, "I wonder where I will be on my next birthday?" I had already given into the fact that my upcoming holidays would be the worst of my life (birthday, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day etc.,) ---- little did I know what the universe had in store for me.

That summer I survived my heartache by hanging out with friends and family. Making new friends. Watching Jersey Housewives over and over on Bravo. Going to Colt State Park every day and walking for long lengths with my dog. Reading books. Playing with Tarot cards. Going to therapy and..........going to my psychic, Liz.

Towards the end of June Liz told me:

"You are going to meet a woman with medium length, dark, wavy hair. She will have dark eyes. I hate to say it, but she will also be a Virgo. She will have an issue with her hip and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. She will also seem very familiar to you."

I "met" Jennifer Walsh, my fiance, the end of August via Match.com. We met in person for the first time on her 37th birthday, September 16, 2011 and became an "official" couple on Sept 30, 2011.

She matched Liz's description perfectly. Even the hip issue, which she "somtimes" has due to NF.

Jennifer is IN LOVE with me. I am IN LOVE with Jennifer.

I am not fullfilling any other need in her life except being a loving partner and vice versa.

I did not (and do not) need someone to "take care" of me or "fill a void" or "play a role"......I simply need someone to be truly, madly, deeply IN LOVE with me, and guess what? Jennifer is.

She treats me like a queen. I treat her like a queen.

I am her priority. I am her best friend. Our chemistry is off the charts, hot.

She doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She is extremely loyal and committed and such a beautiful person, inside and out.

I once thought I saw LOVE in someone's eyes, but I now realize what I most likely saw was NEED in that person's eye's. I was "loved" while I was "needed" and then discareded when I no longer served a purpose.

When I look at Jen, or feel her gaze from afar, I FEEL HER LOVE. Her love for me SHINES from her eyes. Her smile. The way she says, "I love you." --- I can SEE it in her eyes. I can HEAR it in her voice.

This is honesty.

What a breath of fresh air.

THIS is true love.

Love that has YOUR best interest at heart.

Jen came into my life at a crazy time. I was still healing not only from a painfully cruel breakup, but also painfully cruel treatment from my ex throughout the summer.

She didn't care.



She told me that she "wasn't going anywhere".........she was with me during the healing process.

She witnessed the harassing emails and false accusations. She saw the hurt in my eyes and complete shock and dissapointment.

She also saw me grow stronger each day, until, I could finally say I am over that painful situation and talk fondly of my ex. She was with me through all of that.

I knew Jennifer Walsh was the woman the universe intended me to marry by the end of October.

I just had to buy a ring and come up with a romantic spot to "pop the question"........the universe still working hard for me, led me to HOTEL DE GLACE (The Ice Hotel) in Quebec, Canada. As luck would have it I was able to set up a review for my blog, Gay Travel Information. The kind woman, Sarah, reserved one of their SUITES for me the Sunday before Valentine's Day, February 12th.

Could this be any more perfect, I thought?

Hotel De Glace, although ARCTIC COLD, was surreal....beautiful......magical......and provided memories to last a lifetime.

I THANK GOD....THE UNIVERSE....for allowing me the opportunity to experience some a MAGICAL place and having Jennifer Walsh by my side.

I waited until we were in our suite and asked Jennifer if she would become my wife.

Her eyes said yes even louder than her heartfelt, emotional yes in the silence of our room.

Jennifer Walsh is my fiance.

I am a lucky, lucky woman.

As of now it looks as if the date is going to be Sunday, December 30th. A nighttime ceremony.

What a difference 8 months make. I would've never thought I would've been proposing to this amazing woman, in an ICE HOTEL in Quebec, Canada the weekend before Valentine's Day. Never thought.

Karma is a beautiful thing.

Some of my favorite quotes have always been:

"Never make someone your priority while remaining their option."

and...

"I love her because she smiles at me and means it."

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, and by the way.....my holidays were amazing.

Each and every one of them.

In Love with a Jennifer

This Happy Song makes me think of my beautiful, sweet Jennifer.


Gonna be an exciting month..... XOXOXO