Psychic

The word that comes to mind this evening is....

Psychic.

Enough said.

Meet the kids!!!

Something to make you laugh!!

My puppy, Reed, trying to get to his bone on the daybed in my home office, but too afraid of "the mama cat", a.k.a. - Thumpy, to jump on the bed. Watch for the attack....rofl!!

God, I love these crazy pets of mine!!!!

What we need....

I have been following MORE THAN A MINIVAN MOM'S blog for years now. I recently went through (as a reader) the pain, humiliation, frustration, saddness, anger and hurt....dear God, the hurt....she has endured over finding out her husband (who was nicknamed "the saint" no less) admitted to cheating - TWICE - and then divorced her to be with her (ex) best friend. Sigh. This stuff really does happen.

Her latest post is uplifting though.

As the saying goes, God never closes one door without opening a new one.

Sounds like God has sent her an angel.

Someone that appreciates, honors, respects, and loves her.

Someone that finds her attractive (let's just say things are okay in the bedroom) and desirable.

Someone that cheks in with her, not in a co-dependent sort-of-way - but in a respectful, "I know you've been hurt and your trust has been shattered and you need this assurance from me-sort-of-way."

He loves her three children and they love him.

He helps her around the house.

He is a good man.

It's ironic because I use to sympothize with her ex husband. There were times she would blog and talk down about him and pretty much - make fun of his manhood. Ouch. I felt his pain.

What I didn't know - then - was that it was because he was distant, unaffectionate, cold, manipulative and pretty much didn't appreciate her 1%.

Ah. It all makes sense now.

Now I sympothize with her.

As a woman who lost her best friend to her cheating husband.

As a woman who had her heart broken by a man she trusted 100%.

As a woman who has the weight of the world on her shoulders running a house with 3 kids and a full time job.

As a woman void of affection, attention and.........love........for so long.

I recently learned on an episode of "Addicted to Food" on the OWN Network that a woman (gay or straight) needs to hear two things in her life.....from her dad or primary caretaker....

1.) I love you

2.) You are beautiful

Seems this spills over into marriages and relationships too.

Isn't that what we all want?

Isn't that what we all seek?

It is as much a human need as the air we breath, the food we eat and the water we drink.

We need love, affection, attention....

We need to feel important.

Like we matter in someone's life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah ----- I get the bullshit about mattering in your OWN life.....got it, thanks. Check mark.

But we all want that from someone else.

Hell, we NEED it.

I know I do.

What is life without love?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Boo!

So THIS is what my mom has been talking about.

You finally reach an age where you "don't give a crap" what people think anymore AND you start doing things you never thought you would....

hence..

Contacting "haunted" inns throughout New England to "host" my agency (me) for a night in exchange for an article written up on my company's blog.

Why am I doing this? I POOP MY PANTS in freaky, old, historic places like that ----

But. God. Is. It. Fun.

Something about being afraid makes me feel ALIVE.

It's kinda like that feeling you get on a roller coaster drop. G-force.

The only part I hate is BED TIME. When my partner is sleeping like an angel next to me and I need a bottle of sleeping pills to get 30 min of shut-eye.

I'm on to something here, though.

I am going to start hosting "LIVE" ghost hunts (via live web streams) from a video recorder. This will help me feel less alone/afraid once Melanie passes out from "cackle" laughter at my fear.


I am also going to record EVP's and take photos and......well....this is the intent. Will it happen? Who knows.

I may poop my pants and leave.


BUT SIGN ME UP! I don't care if I make a fool out of myself. Hopefully any "spirits" I come in contact with like a friendly, little, tomboy Italian! :)

I am frightened.

And it feels sooooooooooooooooo good.

-Des

In Keeping With The Theme....

In keeping with the theme below....

Think of this post as a PICTURE BOOK.....

I think you can figure it out.

Damn, my finger looks big!?!?



Becoming Chaz has touched my heart

I have never really taken to Chastity Bono. I never thought twice about her, honestly. That all changed after seeing 'Becoming Chaz' last night on the OWN Network.

Chaz is the real deal. Likeable. Honest. Sweet.

Brave.

You can tell a lot by the people who are in their lives and Chaz has a loving, accepting family (sans Cher who is doing "the best she could" -- whatever, Cher - lol) and an amazing, loving, partner, Jennie.

That makes all the difference, doesn't it? It makes life so - much - easier.

I am a tomboy lesbian. Definately more in touch with my "boy style" but perfectly fine with the fact that I am a woman, however, I did find myself relating to Chaz on SOME levels.

Chaz is transgendered. A man stuck in a woman's body. Well, no longer, now that she undergone surgery, hormone treatment etc., I believe Chaz. I get it.

My breasts annoy me - mostly because they make me appear bigger than I am. In my mind I am a tall, lean, tomboy --- not a MAN --- just a lanky, flat-chested tomboy woman. If anything I would want a breast reduction.

I am not transgendered. I just relate on some levels.

I love the relationship between Chaz and her longtime girlfriend, Jennie.

I love the way Jennie looked at Chaz. She accepted Chaz even though she is (very) overweight. She was/is attracted to her - both as a woman and now, a man.

Wow.

I love how intimate they are. How they could read each other. How Jennie was there for Chaz. How Chaz allowed it.

I love that Jennie cried out of the joy she felt after Chaz had his top surgery.

She was so happy for him.

She made it through the hormone's where he because, as she put it, "VERY MANLY".

She stuck by him.

She doesn't care that he is overweight.

She doesn't care that he now has facial hair.

She doesn't care that there is hair on his ass, for the love of God! LOL!

She doesn't care that Chaz is prone to sweating ----

She. Just. Loves. Chaz. She loved Chastity and she loves Chaz.

Let me also say that Jennie is a very attractive, straight-looking/acting, woman.

Every man/tomboy's dream.

As Chaz put it, "She is Fucking crazy, but I like that because I would be bored if I was with someone who was like me."

Well put, Chaz.

Jennie suffered with a drinking problem through grad school, but she is now sober.

Chastity had an addiction to pain meds -- Chaz is sober.

They accept each other.

Chaz said that the past year was the toughest they had ever gone through (they've been together since 2005). He wasn't sure if they could make it thought, but Jennie, as quoted on Oprah said, "Not once did I ever think of leaving Chaz."

Love.

What I learned from this documentary is to NOT WORRY about the little things. Things like changing up in front of my partner, being seen (gulp) nude in the light, having my legs touched if (gulp) I haven't shaved in a couple of days --- being more intimate. If you are with the right person they will make you feel gorgeous and loved no matter what.

Love makes all things possible. Love makes you brave.

Love makes you feel safe.

Love makes you feel accepted.

Love makes you feel secure.

And in Chaz's case....

Love LOVES you regardless of your breasts, facial and ass hair.

Oh -- and love makes amazing sandwiches.

Ironic

Sometimes the pain in my heart amazes me.

I've come to realize that a person can....

Have a mother and father.....but not have a mom or dad.

Have siblings......but not have a brother or sister.

Have grandparents......but no grandparents.

Friends.....but not one true friend.

Be in a relationship....but feel more single then when single.

Be a hard worker.....but still struggle.

Be outgoing.....but still insecure.

Life seems to be about give and take, but lately I find I give more and get so little.

I know I used the example of mother and father above, but let me assure you, my mother is my best friend
and always there for me --- I am using some of these as examples only.

Some people can be frightened into silence.

Some people could be so silent it's frightening.

You can love horror movies......but scare easily.

You can be brave......but afraid of so many things.

You can smile.....when inside your heart breaks.

It's so ironic.

You can want to yell but barely whisper.

I always tell people not to judge a book by its cover.

What appears to be SO PERFECT and HAPPY is usually destroyed and sad.

The only true way to know the true story is to get to know someone.

Someone get to know me.

Please.

I'm sick and healthy

I am like the four seasons.

I laugh. I cry. I am peaceful. I get mad.

I am as real as it gets.

Don't question my sanity, because I'm already a step ahead questioning yours.

I've got your number before you even give me the digits.

I may be silent. I may chose not to respond. To retaliate. Two wrongs don't make a right.

But I've got the numbers of anyone that tries to knock down my spirit.

It. Just. Won't. Happen.

My love is too storng. My faith is too strong. My resolve is too strong.

The worst thing you can do to me is cause me to suffocate on my emotions. I will pull away -- so far away.

I will find someone to share them with. To discuss. To work through.

Healthy.

I feel so healthy today even though I am fighting an awful cold.

I feel...so....very.....healthy.

Things that make me....

Storm chasing, photo taking, guitar playing, blog writing, road tripping, travel booking, trip planning, laughing, squirrel loving, family loving, aunt, daughter, godmother, friend, partner, paranormal loving, spiritual, prayer believing, Medjugorje fanatic, miracle believer --- Melanie.

Things that make me.....

Happy.

Good catch

I'm what you call a good catch. I'm not tooting my own horn here (okay, maybe a little) - but I am.

I am family oriented. Devoted. Trustworthy.

I try to make the person I am with feel like the most important woman in the world.

I love kids. I love pets. I love family life.

I like to cook. I don't mind cleaning. I am a great snuggler and I laugh easily (especially at myself).

I don't like fights. Hate to swear (unless behind a slow driver) and am easy going.

I try my best to encourage those in my life.

I put up with pain well.

I forgive easy.

I am able to put my hurt on the shelf and wonder why a person did/does what they do.

I try to understand.

My heart has been stepped on, punched and crushed and yet I still.....love.

I have many interests.

I am easily excitable.

I am sensitive - sometimes to a fault.

I expect respect.

I expect kindness.

I expect to be valued.

Give me an inch and I will give you a yard.

........

I'm a good catch.

Noise

Last night I woke up to the news Bin Laden was dead (about time).

I dozed off to THAT news and  awoke to the loudest gun shot I ever heard.

Somewhere in my great neighborhood of Warren.

Tears filled my eyes. I prayed. That sound can never be a good thing.

Never.

Informed cops of what we heard. Did they even care?

Daybreak - abundant sunshine - birds singing - sounds of the morning.

Life goes on - for some.

What was that gun shot about? Suicide? Celebration over the death of Bin Laden? Accident? Murder?

Fear. Worry. Saddness.

I love waking up to a sunny morning. So much anticipation for the day.

I love hearing my neighbors go about their "family" life upstairs. Twinge of jealousy and longing.

I hate the silence in my apartment at this moment.

Put on music. Play with pets. Work --- but still --- silence.

During the warmer months I can have my window open and pretend I am part of the noise outside. It comforts me.

Is there anyone else out there that feels the same as me?

Yuck. I had freezer burned, blueberry waffles this morning. Why? Hunger pains. Deseperation.

Neighbors cooked bacon and coffee --- I could smell it so the waffles seemed like the right thing to do.

I ate them standing up - by myself - near the toaster. Turned lights on in kitchen to feel more alive.

Not even 8am.

Maybe today will be the day I make a sale. Sell an ad.

Become ---- important.

Maybe today will be the day I meet someone who feels the way I do and longs for a friendship that helps them feel......connected.

I love connection.

I love romance.

I love ----- sunshine.

Thank you God for making the day nice enough to open my window and feel part of the noise around me.

It's Been Awhile....

It's been awhile.

It is impossible to summerize everything that has been going on. Instead I will share words that come to mind:

snuggle. smile. gaze. embrace. laughter. conversation. trust. pain. hurt. saddness. worry. security. worry. passion. kiss. kindness. gentle. travel. write. photography. summer. sunshine. beach. road trip. thunderstorms. tornados. storm chasing. money. security. fear. do for others. bring joy to. pray. wish. mary. medjugorje. miracles. spirituality. paranormal. ghosts. death. loneliness. hurt. anger. frustration. confusion. lost. happy. joyful. read.

longing. tight chested. pain in heart.

health.

fear.

enthusiasm.

kindness.

adventure.

thrill.

florida.

ocean.

gym.

kissing. holding. snuggling. affection. trust.

look in the eyes.

valued.

appreciated.

understood.

heard.

laughter. laughter. LAUGHTER.

talk. talk. TALK.

Honored.

desired.

cherished.

HONESTY.

butterflies.

passion.

work. write. work. write. photos. work. write. photos. money. fear. worry. prayer.

make proud.

bring peace to.

independent.

smile. love. joy. hug. hold. respect. trust. share.

sad. hurt. pain. PAIN. heartache. confusion. betrayel. frustration. why.

devotion. respect. love. honor. trust.

flowers. trees. grass. ocean.

bbq.

travel. travel. travel.

love. love. love.

fear.

sadness.

loneliness.

prayer. hope. miracle. help.

longing.

family.


-Des