Sad Echo

Let me start by saying that I harbor no hate or resentment toward anybody on this day before Thanksgiving 2011. No. I have made peace with the cards this year has dealt me and my heart has mended from the pain and shock of the spring. With that said do I have an echo of sadness somewhere in the back of my heart and mind? Yes. The question is why? I am clearly in love with a beautiful, wonderful woman. I have amazing friends and family and I sincerely love my life. I am happy in ways I never thought would be possible. I was pretty convinced last spring that this holiday season would be the worst of my life, and that couldn't be further from the truth.


So what is this echo of sadness and slight ache I feel in my heart coming from? I am searching desperately for a way to express it.

You know when you care about an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs? You know that the person and situation isn't good for you and that you need to remove yourself from it, but you are haunted, in a sense, with the sadness for "them" and what they must be going through to be self destructing and causing so much pain in others lives, many times without regret. This is the best way to describe what I am feeling.

I was hurt bad this spring by someone I TRULY cared about and loved deeply. Someone I believed in and supported. I thought I would die and that my life would never be "okay" again. It wasn't just the end of a relationship that hurt me, it was HOW it was done and the AFTERMATH that just kept knocking me out. I can remember saying to my therapist, family and friends that someone really must be "hurting" inside to cause so much pain to someone so carelessly. With no regrets. No remorse. No concern for THEIR actions. I was always making excuses for the treatment I was receiving.

 Well...up until the end of July/early August that is.


That is when I WOKE UP and finally "got it" ------ even if a person is struggling with personal issues, they still have control over their ACTIONS each second of every day. We consciously choose whether or not to hurt someone. If we can "act okay" in one situation, then we should be able to "act okay" (and respectful) in ALL situations, especially to those who simply loved and supported us.


Bottom line is --- there is and will never be an excuse for how I was treated.


The second I accepted this, I was able to truly move on and find happiness again.


But what that left me with is a "sad echo" for a person I feel concern for. This doesn't mean anything except that.

 The more fortunate I feel with my life and the security and love that surrounds me, the more I feel an ache for anyone who isn't fortunate enough to have what I have.


It is just who I am. I cannot help it.


I wish I could turn the echo off and "forget" -- but I can't.


I remember the goodness in people more than the bad.


This could be one of the reasons I get hurt so easily or am an easy target for people who need to hurt others to feel some sort of release inside from their own inner turmoil.


I look around and I feel SO BLESSED. Did I think I would be where I am this Thanksgiving LAST Thanksgiving? No. However, the funny thing is, I can't even REMEMBER what I did last Thanksgiving. I am sure I wasn't made to feel as special as I do this year. I am sure I wasn't made to feel important, valued, loved and adored. From my family and friends? Sure! But from the person I thought I'd be with forever? No. Life's whispers.


This year I am finally with someone I feel is with me simply because they love me. It isn't because I am "what they need" right now or that I "serve a purpose" for their advancement. Nope. It is because this person just. loves. me.





I have chemistry AND I have a genuine friendship. Who knew???





This Thanksgiving is turning out to be one of the best of my life.


A loving partner. A cozy apartment. Loving family, friends and pets.

And....
The ability, after all the pain and hurt, to forgive and feel the "sad echo" - momentarily - before stepping out of those thoughts.......and back into happiness.


Happy Thanksgiving.