Looking Back Brings me Forward.....

When a person's heart breaks you go into survival mode. If you are strong. Other people break down with the broken heart and find solace in alcohol, drugs or some other self medicating means.







This spring, when my heart was broken, I went into survival mode. I cried. I felt sick. I mourned. I tried to make sense of things, but I never really dealt with the actual sadness I was feeling during the end of my relationship. I dealt with the sadness from the breakup, but not the sadness of the months and months of disrespect I allowed myself to endure.






The photo listed below was taken weeks after the break up. Sometime in June 2011.

This photo embodies all the sadness, confusion and betrayal I felt -- and, I am sure -- anger. Looking at this photo is extremely difficult for me, because I can remember EXACTLY how I felt the moment this was taken. I was worn. Beaten down. I had been heartbroken and sad before, but this was a "too the core" type betrayal and cruelty I had NEVER experienced.






For the first couple of months after a breakup you are in a state of shock. The whole, "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?" thing. Did this person who swore they'd never leave me and would love me forever not only leave but do it in the cruelest way imaginable? Am I really being harassed via email? Are vicious lies really being spread about me? You try to make sense how a person who claimed to love you so much, could hurt you so bad. And what is worse is that after they punch you in the gut -- they continue -- they kick you in the side and punch you in the face - over and over and over again. Black and blue is no red stop sign to them -- it is a green light to keep going.






You don't realize the effect this is having on your psyche when it's happening because all you and your body can focus on is survival. The "I will get through this" process.






I was finally over my ex, truly OVER my ex by August 2011.






This allowed me to open myself up to finding love again. To finding the PERFECT MATCH for me.






The universe led me to my partner, Jennifer.






A beautiful woman whose life has been paralleling mine for many years it seems. Both of us had two very serious relationships. One that lasted 10+ years from age 19-30 and another that lasted 5 years.






Jen and I are compatible on so many levels. The chemistry is off the charts and our mutual interests are limitless. How refreshing to be with someone that makes me feel like that is exactly where they want to be. How refreshing to be with someone who is concerned with their health but not obsessed with the gym or food issues. How refreshing to be with someone who loves music as much as I do and can drives hours on end, music blaring, holding hands and talking. How refreshing to be with someone that can have their interests, as I have mine, and not make me feel that if I don't like what they like, then they will break up with me.






Jennifer is SO....refreshing.






Sometimes you don't realize how dead you were until someone makes you feel so alive.






I was alive but dead inside for the last 2 years of my 5 year relationship with my ex. Especially during the last year.






I lived in constant fear. Fear of being broken up with. Fear of being yelled and sworn at. Fear of being cheated on. Fear of expressing my needs. Fear of not giving into her needs even if they made me uncomfortable. Fear. Fear. Fear. The reason I stayed through all this is because I genuinely loved my ex. With everything in me - I loved her. I did. Regardless of what she has said to me, I like to think she truly loved me too. There were lots of great times mixed in with this madness.






Madness.






What an appropriate word to describe what 2009-2011 was for me. First having my partner move out on me and then sign a lease (for a year) the next day without discussing it with me. Making up only to be "cheated" on less than 2 months later for a brief 4 day whirlwind of confusion that haunted me for the remainder of our time together. Being told "I" was crazy, "irrational", "insecure" blah, blah, blah and then told, "You were right, I have been having feelings for ____insert name here _______ for quite some time." Yeah, this fucks with your head quite honestly. Then to have this person insanely jealous over people you were friendly with and then make up with you 4 days later after the "kiss" incident, and hear them say they could never imagine life without you - REALLY fucks with your head.






Who did I become in that relationship? How could I allow such treatment? Did I accept this because her face was pretty?? No - or maybe?!?!? I did believe her when she apologized and said she needed "help". The way she looked at me when she said she loved me and held, kissed etc., me --- DID make me feel like she loved me.






I should've walked away - for good - in October 2009, but I didn't. I couldn't.






Before long we started talking about moving back in with each other. I thought it was too soon, but after being told that my ex would break up with me if I didn't -- I caved -- and agreed to move to Warren. One of the best choices I ever made (and not because of my partner -- because of Warren itself and my gorgeous apartment).






I tried. God, I tried. I tried to make that relationship work, but my ex was in her own world and chose to not make me a part of it. She distanced herself further and further away from me, until there was nothing left to do but dispose of me and move on to someone else. To have some other need fulfilled. My job position was up.






Breaking up with someone is fine. Painful, but understandable, but HOW you go about doing it.....the MEANS to handling the situation is what matters.






I was abused even AFTER the breakup.






In survival mode I made it through the dark months of (the end of) May, June and July. I made it through by LIVING LIFE even though I was heartbroken. I made it through by the LOVE AND SUPPORT of my family and friends. I had SO many people supporting me. I had an amazing therapist. This all speeded up the process of healing.






I didn't have much time to truly reflect on what had happened prior to the end of the relationship with my ex because no sooner did I step out of survival mode I landed in a new - AMAZING - relationship with, what I believe to be, my forever person. My perfect match.






I had two options. Be stand-offish with this new person I was falling in love with OR open myself up to the relationship and take her along for the ride with me as I healed. Jen, being the type person she is, understanding and supportive, assured me she wasn't going anywhere and understand my situation. This made me OPEN MYSELF to her.






This brings me to where I am today.






Happy. Healthy. In Love. Hopeful. Enthusiastic. Alive.






This doesn't mean I am not still healing (hence this blog post). Nope. I find the more peaceful I become with my life, the more memories creep up and slap me in the face.






I am starting to see my ex like so many others did while we were together.






She really DID say those things to me.






She really DID move out, sign a lease, get back with me, break up to "kiss"? some other woman, get back with me, ask me to move in, threaten me with breakups if I didn't give in to what she wanted, scream/yell/curse at me, make me feel unappreciated, unimportant, needy, insecure, too emotional, etc.,






She really DID leave the front porch light on, candles out, incense, scissors and eyeliner on the counter in the bathroom for me to find when I returned home from Martha's Vineyard after being broken up by text and being told, hours before, that she "missed and loved me."






She really DID spread vicious lies about me. She really DID say she hated and never loved me even though her first sentence in the breakup text read, "Desiree, I love you so much."






She really DID fuck with my mind and emotions.






She really WAS the type person capable of doing this.






She did warn me a week earlier that I didn't have a clue to what she was capable of.






I do now.






How those eyes lied to me. Her smile mocked me. Her arms embraced someone she (maybe) secretly harbored jealousy and contempt for. Her lips kissed someone she would later stab not only in the heart -- but in the back.






I will never understand why, nor do I care to.






I just need to cleanse myself of the shock and disappointment I have in myself for allowing this type treatment for as long as I did.






No face is worth that pain. That type abuse.






No face.






This picture reflects the ME I am TODAY.

I am HAPPY and IN LOVE and ALIVE.






I will never go back to being abused, taken for granted, unappreciated, lied to, mocked -- never.






So, to my ex, I'd like to thank you for teaching me exactly what I I don't ever want again.