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And does it get any better than this?
Amazing.
The Jefferson – Washington, DC
1 week ago
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Relaxation!
I am so looking forward to my review of Spruce Point Inn Resort & Spa in Boothbay Harbor, Maine today. The best part is I get to take my dog, Reed! :)
Camera? Check! Books? Check! Loved ones? Check! Much needed.
I can't believe the 4th of July weekend is already here! My absolute favorite. I am looking forward to the beach, fireworks, a cookout and celebrating up near Lake Winnipesaukee in Meredith, NH.
Last year I was in Washington, DC and the heat was so suffocating that it was nearly impossible to be outside during the day. I did manage to see fireworks at night, but most of that weekend was spent watching Cake Boss re-runs at the Holiday Inn...lol. But hey, it was all good!
I wonder what next year's 4th of July will bring? :)
-Des
Camera? Check! Books? Check! Loved ones? Check! Much needed.
I can't believe the 4th of July weekend is already here! My absolute favorite. I am looking forward to the beach, fireworks, a cookout and celebrating up near Lake Winnipesaukee in Meredith, NH.
Last year I was in Washington, DC and the heat was so suffocating that it was nearly impossible to be outside during the day. I did manage to see fireworks at night, but most of that weekend was spent watching Cake Boss re-runs at the Holiday Inn...lol. But hey, it was all good!
I wonder what next year's 4th of July will bring? :)
-Des
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Validation
Validation is a good thing.
I was on one of the Borderline Personality Disorder boards and came across this letter someone wrote and I was amazed at how much it hit home!!!
Let me also add how amazesd I am at "the seduction", "clingy" and "hater" stages I have learned about.
"I Hate You, Don' Leave Me." and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." have been two of the best books I've ever read. Period.
Sigh.....It does break my heart though because even when a person with BPD does have someone they love and loves them back, they will ultimately sabatoge it and keep repeating the same patterns.
Love, TRUE love, is NOT EASY to find. So many people with BPD just toss it away when the feelings become too overpowering or the person doesn't live up to their unrealistic expectations.
Feeling loved and being loved are two very different things. I feel loved when my dog jumps up on me, but to BE loved is to be BE loved through good --- and bad. To not abandon someone. I am loved when I see my dog running to me, in a crowd of people ---- I am who he really feels close to, I am his "mom". THAT is love. He may play with other people in the group, lick their faces, run after a toy ------ and that may make someone FEEL LOVED, but in the end, he wants to be next to me -- he chooses me. That is BEING loved.
Anyway ---- interesting letter from the message board.....
Re: Today is a bad day......
Susan,
we obviously have very similar situations.
I feel that my BPD ex (subconsciously at least) does not mind the obvious power
he has over me now - he sees that I'm devastated and feeling awful, and all
because of him, I think it empowers him and on some level makes him feel good in
a perverse way because during all our years he was feeling inadequate and not
"up to me", even though I made it clear million times that I loved him and chose
to stay with him and wanted him etc etc. So now he has the upper hand, and has a
very obvious proof (my love, care and dedication during years were apparently
not enough) that I care for him and that he's wanted.
> My BPD ex is living a role right now where I don't exist. That's how she's
able to move on so quickly, like your ex. That's how they're able to give us
breakup "advice." They simply are not going to let themselves be hurt by this.
They will thrive.
This is so true. That is what hurts me enormously. I am erased from that life -
and how could I erase him?? How could I erase 10 years of my life? He's
everywhere I go, he's with me whatever I do, because he was the big part of my
life. I cannot forget that overnight.
They compartmentalize - put us (and others) in a different "folder" and that's
it. You're not my partner anymore, and that's it. Moved on.
But the fact that we cannot do that only means that we are emotionally sane and
functioning, and those are normal reaction to a big loss. We feel negated as
persons. And all our efforts to be with those people seem wasted. It hurts.
But grief as any emotion has its course and at some point it recedes, so I am
counting on that. I know it can take a long time though.
My ex also had a bad childhood. I met his parents (divorced) and when you see
how they are it's not hard to imagine how they could screw up their kids (they
did, royally). From what he told me how he was treated and how his parents
treated each other, it makes sense that he has learned how to survive by taking
himself out of the situation mentally and emotionally.
He's admitting that his parents "screwed him up" in many ways and is resentful
about it, but he's denying the real problem - his BPD. He thinks he's only ADD
person and that's it.
I am so tempted to talk to him about BPD, but I'm afraid it could just make
things worse and not amount to anything.
Of course, I too am longing to be able to say "FUCK YOU" when he starts with his
ego trips and dismissing everything that pertains to myself and not care
anymore. I hope I will be able to at some point.
I understand a lot about him and about myself. I know all the theory why things
happened and why I feel the way I feel now, and what I should do... I am trying.
I write about it here. Even if I am repeating the same things, it's doing
something...
I am sure that it's possible to overcome this and still have happiness in our
lives.
all the best to you S! and all of us here...
Monday, June 27, 2011
My Life
Someone on http://www.bpdfamily.com/ posted this article and it made my heart stop.
Below is what I believe to be one of the best explanations of BPD behavior and
it's cause: by Richard Skerritt
Abandonment/Vulnerability
The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is
usually called abandonment/ engulfment. It's described well in Stop Walking on
Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.
I've been split into oblivion by two women I've gotten close to, and I
struggled to understand the dynamic. Both women ended their relationship with me
by simply acting as if I didn't exist, presumably because they had connected
me with some prior, very painful experience. It's a coping mechanism that
protects them from anything or anyone that reminds them of memories that are too
painful to deal with.
In trying to understand these experiences, I took a little different view.
I've been influenced by an interesting book: Struggle for... Intimacy by
Woititz (p 163).
Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs, and other unlucky souls were abandoned as children. Not
that they were left on the steps of an orphanage - that would have been much
preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When they needed
love and support from their parents, their parents were right there to NOT give
it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and explicitly,
that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems in their
families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling that they are
terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for them. To protect
themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of very proper and
attractive behavior so that others won't see how awful they are.
So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false
facade. They don't realize that you actually see their flaws. They are
terrified that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful person
they are. Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their
parents did. They struggle to make the mask perfect, but it can't be done. At
some point, some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.
Well, the games up; you now know how faulty they are. All you have to do is
not fall over yourself reassuring them, and that's proof positive that
you're outta there. They're going to freak out and all kinds of strange
behavior will emerge.
One way they might react is projection: There seems to be a problem here. It
can't possibly be me. Therefore it must be you. And since you have a
problem bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as
your problem, too. You're gonna catch it for that.
Or, you may be hoovered (sucked back in, á la the vacuum cleaner) with all
their might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or
they may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to them, to
the point of threatening suicide.
Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the
standard engulfment idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in
terms of vulnerability. Let's explore the childhood experience again. Here you
have a child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally to
her parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or physical
attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her
vulnerability to anyone else.
Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as an adult, she may
eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She wants
loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high alert for
attack. After all, this is all she's ever known.
Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way, or do something else that triggers
her connection to painful memories. Well, her parents always did that. To her,
this feels like a sure sign that you are secretly planning to attack.
Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had to
go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through you
now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is
overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so
frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil
torturers that she had to live with as a child. It's not that she thinks
you're like them. She's not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As
I like to say:emotion overwhelms cognition.
Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern. Her fears
were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You might
even be split right out of existence - simply become a non-entity. After all,
that will at least make her safe.
So I like to think of it as abandonment/ vulnerability. Her self-loathing leads
her to be sure you'll want to abandon her as soon as you see through her. Her
experience of being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending attack
when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and she will push you away to stay
safe.
Don't leave me; you're terrible - the two edges of the BP sword.
Sent from my iPad
Tracy Brothers
Below is what I believe to be one of the best explanations of BPD behavior and
it's cause: by Richard Skerritt
Abandonment/Vulnerability
The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is
usually called abandonment/ engulfment. It's described well in Stop Walking on
Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.
I've been split into oblivion by two women I've gotten close to, and I
struggled to understand the dynamic. Both women ended their relationship with me
by simply acting as if I didn't exist, presumably because they had connected
me with some prior, very painful experience. It's a coping mechanism that
protects them from anything or anyone that reminds them of memories that are too
painful to deal with.
In trying to understand these experiences, I took a little different view.
I've been influenced by an interesting book: Struggle for... Intimacy by
Woititz (p 163).
Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs, and other unlucky souls were abandoned as children. Not
that they were left on the steps of an orphanage - that would have been much
preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When they needed
love and support from their parents, their parents were right there to NOT give
it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and explicitly,
that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems in their
families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling that they are
terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for them. To protect
themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of very proper and
attractive behavior so that others won't see how awful they are.
So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false
facade. They don't realize that you actually see their flaws. They are
terrified that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful person
they are. Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their
parents did. They struggle to make the mask perfect, but it can't be done. At
some point, some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.
Well, the games up; you now know how faulty they are. All you have to do is
not fall over yourself reassuring them, and that's proof positive that
you're outta there. They're going to freak out and all kinds of strange
behavior will emerge.
One way they might react is projection: There seems to be a problem here. It
can't possibly be me. Therefore it must be you. And since you have a
problem bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as
your problem, too. You're gonna catch it for that.
Or, you may be hoovered (sucked back in, á la the vacuum cleaner) with all
their might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or
they may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to them, to
the point of threatening suicide.
Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the
standard engulfment idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in
terms of vulnerability. Let's explore the childhood experience again. Here you
have a child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally to
her parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or physical
attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her
vulnerability to anyone else.
Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as an adult, she may
eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She wants
loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high alert for
attack. After all, this is all she's ever known.
Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way, or do something else that triggers
her connection to painful memories. Well, her parents always did that. To her,
this feels like a sure sign that you are secretly planning to attack.
Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had to
go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through you
now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is
overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so
frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil
torturers that she had to live with as a child. It's not that she thinks
you're like them. She's not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As
I like to say:emotion overwhelms cognition.
Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern. Her fears
were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You might
even be split right out of existence - simply become a non-entity. After all,
that will at least make her safe.
So I like to think of it as abandonment/ vulnerability. Her self-loathing leads
her to be sure you'll want to abandon her as soon as you see through her. Her
experience of being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending attack
when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and she will push you away to stay
safe.
Don't leave me; you're terrible - the two edges of the BP sword.
Sent from my iPad
Tracy Brothers
Technicolor
It's funny what a broken heart can do for your health. It can make you feel like you got punched in the heart (with a metal boxing glove). It can make you feel like you have a tight belt wrapped around your chest. It can make your skin break out like a teenager. It can make your hands shake. It can make your eyes burn. Your head throb.
It can also make you see things clearer
It can make you lose weight --- quickly.
It can make you realize you're actually just as strong as superwoman.
It can make you realize you are resilient.
It can make you smarter.
It makes life feel almost in technicolor when the grey area starts to fade.
My tears have washed away the grey.
Today my feelings are in ---- technicolor.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
A Little Bit Stronger
I dedicate this song to myself and to all the family & friends who have stood by me and continue to support me.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Miraculous
Something miraculous happened yesterday. I became empowered. Something I hadn't felt in a long time.
You know that moment when you finally figure someone or something out?
I reached that moment yesterday.
I'll always remember that precise moment, walking my dog in the rain, when it truly clicked....and all I can say is, "Thank you God." Thank you for allowing me to feel every emotion that comes with truly living. The good, the bad, the scary, but mostly thank you for my honesty. Thank you for allowing me to feel empathy and sympathy...and knowing when to admit I was wrong, but also knowing when to defend my character.
I know how to truly love (oyie, do I).
I know how to truly hurt (son of a.....)
And I am learning, that I know how to truly heal (deep breath)
![]()
kar·ma/ˈkärmÉ™/Noun
1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) The sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
2. Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.
Be nice everyone.
-Des
You know that moment when you finally figure someone or something out?
I reached that moment yesterday.
I'll always remember that precise moment, walking my dog in the rain, when it truly clicked....and all I can say is, "Thank you God." Thank you for allowing me to feel every emotion that comes with truly living. The good, the bad, the scary, but mostly thank you for my honesty. Thank you for allowing me to feel empathy and sympathy...and knowing when to admit I was wrong, but also knowing when to defend my character.
I know how to truly love (oyie, do I).
I know how to truly hurt (son of a.....)
And I am learning, that I know how to truly heal (deep breath)
kar·ma/ˈkärmÉ™/Noun
1. (in Hinduism and Buddhism) The sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
2. Destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.
Be nice everyone.
-Des
Thursday, June 16, 2011
My life (part 2)
Please take the time to read this. There may be someone in your life suffering with this disorder.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Poorly Regulated Emotions.
Mood Swings and Poorly Regulated Emotions
A number of experts in the field believe that difficulty in regulating emotions is the driving force behind many of the other symptoms of borderline disorder. If you have borderline disorder, your emotions may change quickly and you may find it difficult to accurately perceive and express your emotional responses, especially to an unpleasant event. Most often, you may overreact emotionally. However, at other responses one would anticipate from the average person, only to be followed by hyperemotional reactions at a later time. Here are the major symptom indicators of poorly regulated emotions.
The emotions of people with borderline disorder are often very unstable and undergo rapid changes that they have difficulty controlling. This is referred to as emotional liability. These labile emotions can include negative feelings of anxiety, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, and depression. Less often, these emotions can also include positive feelings such as happiness, joy, enthusiasm, and love. Your emotions fluctuate quickly from feeling good to feeling bad, sometimes for reasons that are obvious to you, but at other times for causes that are not apparent. Because of these rapid fluctuations in mood, and because you are more likely to develop feelings of depression and episodes of major depressive disorder, than people who do not have borderline disorder, at some point you may have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder or complex post traumatic stress disorder.
Your feelings may also be hyperreactive, that is, you may seriously overreact emotionally to some situations. For example, you may become very upset over criticisms, separations, or disagreements that other people seem to take in stride. Such events may cause a wave of anxiety, sadness, anger, and desperation. In addition, you may find that you have greater difficulty calming down your emotions and soothing yourself by focusing on reassuring thoughts or by engaging in usually pleasant activities. During these periods of sever hyperemotionality, or "emotional storms", as they're called, you may feel so desperate that you turn to alcohol or drugs for relief, lash out in anger or rage, or engage in other destructive behaviors.
Recent research also suggests that people with borderline disorder have more difficulty in accurately identifying the emotional responses of other people and in balancing mixed feelings, and have more intense responses to the negative emotions of others than people who do not have the disorder. Emotions do not return to their normal level as quickly as someone without the disorder.
You may also be hypersensitive to the real or perceived negative behaviors of others toward you, always on the lookout for the slight frown, raised eyebrow, or minor change in a person's tone of voice that indicates they are irritated or angry with you. When you believe you detect such critical reactions, no matter how subtle, your response may often be way out of proportion to the situation. You may feel anxiety, self-recrimination, and anger that are simply not warranted under the circumstances. You may be vaguely aware that you are overreacting, but the feelings are just too real and too strong to ignore.
Inappropriate Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger
Poorly controlled anger is very common and causes significant problems in people with borderline disorder. You may feel irritable and angry much of the time, and often can be argumentative, quick-tempered and sarcastic. You may even become furious, sometimes enraged, in circumstances that do not warrant such a response. The slightest event or exchange can result in an angry, often cruel, outburst. You may then say and do things that are very destructive, and later regret that you did so. Recent research has show that people with borderline disorder have greater changes in anger and depression than other people, and that they may fluctuate between anger and anxiety more readily as well.
You may realize in the midst of your rages that you are overreacting, but seem unable to control the strong emotions that are sweeping over you. As one patient put it, "I know my husband does not deserve all the anger and abuse I put upon him, but he's the one around most of the time. I don't seem to be able to control the anger. At the time, I think he deserves it - so he gets it." Your family, your spouse if you are married, and others close to you have learned that they must be very careful about what they say or do. Many say "It's like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I never know what I will do to cause her (or him) to blow up." This apprehensiveness on the part of your family can result in persistent low level of tension in your home. Since you may be very sensitive to the negative feelings of others, this can make an already tense living situation even worse.
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
Another strong feeling you may experience is a sense of persistent emptiness. This sense of emptiness is often accompanied by feelings of boredom and loneliness. In turn, these feelings may lead to dissatisfaction with the people in your life, and with your life in general. Dissatisfied with your life, you may be prone to change friends, jobs, engage in brief affairs and even end long term relationships. For a time, these changes can feel very exciting and temporarily relieve the emptiness, loneliness, and boredom. However, the feelings return after a while and the life patterns of inconstancy repeat themselves. One young patient told me recently, during our initial meeting, that these feelings of emptiness and boredom were so strong that she felt as if she had a big hole inside her that wouldn't go away. It did diminish when she was involved in a new relationship with a young man, at least for a while, then would return in full force when they fought or when she decided to leave him because of the hypersensitivity to his responses. She added that, when severe, this feeling was so emotionally painful she would almost do anything to relieve it, even cut or burn herself, although the emotional pain always returned shortly thereafter.
Another patient told me early in her treatment that when she felt empty and bored for a long period, she would leave her husband without notice and travel to another city. There she would see a former teacher for a brief two-or-three day affair, then go back to her husband. Although she temporarily felt excited, desired, and satisfied by these escapades she dreaded having to deal with her husband about her absences. Nonetheless, the pattern continued until she was able to understand the nature of the feelings and the life situations that triggered this behavior, then to take measures to gain control over it. Fortunately, her husband was able to tolerate the behavior until she was able to develop alternative and much more effective responses to the emptiness and boredom she often felt.
Impulsivity
The tendency toward impulsive, self-damaging behavior is so common and so strong in people with borderline disorder that some experts in the field consider it the most important problem in the disorder. They believe it is more important than the symptoms of emotional instability and impaired reasoning, because impulsivity appears to be the best predictor of the long-term outcome of the disorder. Those people with borderline disorder who are very impulsive tend to have a much worse prognosis than those who are not as impulsive. Research suggests that impulsivity in people with borderline disorder is the result of an imbalance between those neural systems (nerve cell pathways that control specific behaviors) that regulate emotions, impulse control, and reasoning. Research has also show that impulsive behavior is present to some degree in most people with borderline disorder. Following are the major groups of symptoms within the broad category of impulsivity.
Impulsive Behaviors that Harm You
If you have borderline disorder, there are many ways that you could behave impulsively, such as binge eating and spending money recklessly on clothes or other items. You may also engage in other more serious impulsive acts like excessive drinking, sexual promiscuity, violent, aggressive acts or uncontrollable outbursts of rage.
In general, impulsive behaviors often follow episodes of emotional storms and disruptions in close relationships, especially real or threatened abandonment. They also appear to be more common in people with borderline disorder who have been physically or sexually abused as children. In order to fit this particular diagnostic criterion, you need to exhibit impulsive behavior in at least two of the self-destructive ways mentioned above.
Suicidal Behavior, Gestures, Threats, or Self-Mutilating Behavior
This is a particular striking group of impulsive symptoms that occurs among many, but by no means all, people with borderline disorder. They are referred to as parasuicidal acts. The severity of these behaviors ranges from very serious acts that may be life-threatening, to threats that often attempts to control a situation, gain attention, or seek help. You may do these things in a desperate attempt to have someone take care of you, or to "get even" with them, or to get your way. More often, you may hurt yourself in order to help reduce the emotional pain you frequently feel when it reaches an intolerable level.
Munchausen's Syndrome
A very striking and serious form of self-injurious behavior that may occur in people with borderline disorder is Munchausen's Syndrome, also known as factitious illness. People with this disorder hurt themselves intentionally, but in a way that looks like a bonafide medical problem.
Impaired Perception and Reasoning
People with borderline disorder often say they have difficulty with their memory; especially under stress. You may also misperceive experiences, expecting the worst from others, even when nothing negative is intended. You may have difficulty with your concentration, and with organizing your thoughts and behaviors. You may not be able to think a complex problem through adequately and determine reasonable alternative, and the consequences of these alternatives. These difficulties with the perception of important events, thinking, and reasoning may result in faulty decisions that could have highly detrimental consequences.
It is not surprising that you may have difficulty in participating in reasonable conversations to solve problems when you are in a hyperemotional state, or to remember accurately the content of these situations afterward. In other words, emotional hyperreactivity often gets in the way of normal reasoning in social or interpersonal situations. This difficulty in social reasoning seriously impairs the learning and developing skills you need to have mature, successful, and sustained personal relationships.
Brief Episodes of Paranoid Thinking
Research shows that people with borderline disorder are more likely to expect others to behave badly toward them than people without the disorder. When exposed to severe stress (usually criticism), or imagined (or real) abandonment, when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or when treated with certain classes of stimulants such as amphetamine, or with certain antidepressants, some people with borderline disorder become very suspicious and have difficulty thinking rationally. Brief episodes of paranoid thinking may occur, when they falsely believe that others are planning harm against them. Hallucinations, such as hearing strange voices, music, or other sounds is also common.
Dissociative Symptoms
You may notice that there are periods of time during which you can't recall what you said or did. These are called dissociative episodes. At their extreme, dissociative episodes can be so severe that the person actually splits off part of their feelings, thinking, and behavior, and temporarily creates one or more separate personalities. When this occurs, it's referred to as multiple personality disorder. Multiple personality disorder is experienced by an unknown percentage of people with borderline disorder.
Magical Thinking
In addition, you may have odd thoughts, such as unrealistic and magical thinking. Magical thinking is the use of highly unrealistic thoughts to solve current emotional distress in your life. For example, you may believe that someone you will become a successful architect and design your first building in less than a year, even before graduating college. You may also believe you have a sixth sense or are even clairvoyant.
Depersonalization
You may have episodes of depersonalization during which you feel unreal, as if in a dream, and strangely detached from the world, or outside your body. You may feel numb or hollow.
Unstable Self-Image or Sense of Self
You may often feel that you have little self-worth, and that your self-concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to you. If they seem loving & attentive, you feel good about yourself. But their criticisms may cause you great anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and despair. Regardless of what you have accomplished, it doesn't seem to counterbalance the opinions of others. In other words, you may feel as if you have little self-esteem, that your esteem is almost totally dependent on others.
You may often feel unsure of who you really area, what values you truly believe, what career you should truly pursue, what causes you should support. You may have difficulty feeling "centered", and in developing a constancy of purpose in your life that serves to stabilize and to give integrity and predictability to your peace of mind and behavior. As one patient put it, "I feel as if I too easily adopt the characteristics of the people I am with. I am desperate that they like me. I adopt mannerisms, their way of speaking, and their attitudes, even the ones that I don't usually agree with. Other people's opinions of me are much more important to me than my own opinions and convictions. I feel as if I have an emptiness inside of me that only other people can fill."
However, there may be times when you swing to the other extreme. Then, you may be very critical, inflexible, and dogmatic about certain beliefs, to the point that you offend people around you. As a result of these difficulties, it's understandable that you may do better in stable, highly structured situations, especially with people whose behaviors and personal values are solid and stable.
Marked Disturbed Relationships
Given the above information, it's not surprising that your life may be marked by tumultuous relationships. Usually, the closer the relationship you have, the greater the turmoil. During childhood and early adolescence, the major problems in relationships usually occur with parents, other family members, teachers and friends. Later in life difficulties occur with boyfriends or girlfriends and, in adulthood, with spouses, children, co-workers, and employers.
A Pattern of Unstable and Intense Personal Relationships
You may have noticed that you fluctuate dramatically and quickly in your feelings and attitudes toward those people who are very important to you. At times, you may perceive someone to be more wonderful than anyone could reasonably be; capable of making you feel happy, safe, important, and alive under any circumstance. In other words, you unrealistically overvalue and idealize this person who is so central to your sense of well being. You may find that you cling almost desperately, to these people and worry continually that they will leave you.
Of course, no one is able to live up to these unrealistic standards for very long. Then, disappointed that the relationship cannot stabilize YOUR feelings and life, you may have an abrupt change in attitude that moves too far in the other direction. For example, after a small slight, you may perceive the other person to be uncaring, unsupportive, selfish, and even punitive, to a much greater degree than is actually the case. In doing so, you devalue the importance of that person, finding fault with them at every turn. You won't be able to tolerate this situation for very long, so you may abruptly swing back to the other extreme, only to find the cycle repeats itself, over and over, until you push this person away, often regrettably.
A Black-and-White Life
Many people with borderline disorder report that they see themselves, other people, and the world in general as black or white, as good or bad, and they have great difficulty in dealing effectively with the gray areas of relationships. These gray areas, of course, constitute the vast majority of human interactions. You may have a hard time accurately weighing positive characteristics and behaviors against ones that you don't like, in part because you often over-respond emotionally to negative actions, and also because of your difficulty in social reasoning.
Consequently, it may be quite difficult for you to reach a well-balanced and reasonably integrated opinion about people, especially those important to you. This makes it difficult for you to deal with important relationships in positive ways that enable you to adapt well to the reasonable frailties of other people. It follows naturally that you may also find it difficult to determine effective ways to have others adapt well to your own shortcomings. To some degree, this may be because, when you're symptomatic, you believe unrealistically that your difficulties are mainly the result of the behaviors of other people, not your own.
::That's it .......I can't write anymore tonight::
-Des
Borderline Personality Disorder: Poorly Regulated Emotions.
Mood Swings and Poorly Regulated Emotions
A number of experts in the field believe that difficulty in regulating emotions is the driving force behind many of the other symptoms of borderline disorder. If you have borderline disorder, your emotions may change quickly and you may find it difficult to accurately perceive and express your emotional responses, especially to an unpleasant event. Most often, you may overreact emotionally. However, at other responses one would anticipate from the average person, only to be followed by hyperemotional reactions at a later time. Here are the major symptom indicators of poorly regulated emotions.
The emotions of people with borderline disorder are often very unstable and undergo rapid changes that they have difficulty controlling. This is referred to as emotional liability. These labile emotions can include negative feelings of anxiety, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, and depression. Less often, these emotions can also include positive feelings such as happiness, joy, enthusiasm, and love. Your emotions fluctuate quickly from feeling good to feeling bad, sometimes for reasons that are obvious to you, but at other times for causes that are not apparent. Because of these rapid fluctuations in mood, and because you are more likely to develop feelings of depression and episodes of major depressive disorder, than people who do not have borderline disorder, at some point you may have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder or complex post traumatic stress disorder.
Your feelings may also be hyperreactive, that is, you may seriously overreact emotionally to some situations. For example, you may become very upset over criticisms, separations, or disagreements that other people seem to take in stride. Such events may cause a wave of anxiety, sadness, anger, and desperation. In addition, you may find that you have greater difficulty calming down your emotions and soothing yourself by focusing on reassuring thoughts or by engaging in usually pleasant activities. During these periods of sever hyperemotionality, or "emotional storms", as they're called, you may feel so desperate that you turn to alcohol or drugs for relief, lash out in anger or rage, or engage in other destructive behaviors.
Recent research also suggests that people with borderline disorder have more difficulty in accurately identifying the emotional responses of other people and in balancing mixed feelings, and have more intense responses to the negative emotions of others than people who do not have the disorder. Emotions do not return to their normal level as quickly as someone without the disorder.
You may also be hypersensitive to the real or perceived negative behaviors of others toward you, always on the lookout for the slight frown, raised eyebrow, or minor change in a person's tone of voice that indicates they are irritated or angry with you. When you believe you detect such critical reactions, no matter how subtle, your response may often be way out of proportion to the situation. You may feel anxiety, self-recrimination, and anger that are simply not warranted under the circumstances. You may be vaguely aware that you are overreacting, but the feelings are just too real and too strong to ignore.
Inappropriate Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger
Poorly controlled anger is very common and causes significant problems in people with borderline disorder. You may feel irritable and angry much of the time, and often can be argumentative, quick-tempered and sarcastic. You may even become furious, sometimes enraged, in circumstances that do not warrant such a response. The slightest event or exchange can result in an angry, often cruel, outburst. You may then say and do things that are very destructive, and later regret that you did so. Recent research has show that people with borderline disorder have greater changes in anger and depression than other people, and that they may fluctuate between anger and anxiety more readily as well.
You may realize in the midst of your rages that you are overreacting, but seem unable to control the strong emotions that are sweeping over you. As one patient put it, "I know my husband does not deserve all the anger and abuse I put upon him, but he's the one around most of the time. I don't seem to be able to control the anger. At the time, I think he deserves it - so he gets it." Your family, your spouse if you are married, and others close to you have learned that they must be very careful about what they say or do. Many say "It's like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I never know what I will do to cause her (or him) to blow up." This apprehensiveness on the part of your family can result in persistent low level of tension in your home. Since you may be very sensitive to the negative feelings of others, this can make an already tense living situation even worse.
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
Another strong feeling you may experience is a sense of persistent emptiness. This sense of emptiness is often accompanied by feelings of boredom and loneliness. In turn, these feelings may lead to dissatisfaction with the people in your life, and with your life in general. Dissatisfied with your life, you may be prone to change friends, jobs, engage in brief affairs and even end long term relationships. For a time, these changes can feel very exciting and temporarily relieve the emptiness, loneliness, and boredom. However, the feelings return after a while and the life patterns of inconstancy repeat themselves. One young patient told me recently, during our initial meeting, that these feelings of emptiness and boredom were so strong that she felt as if she had a big hole inside her that wouldn't go away. It did diminish when she was involved in a new relationship with a young man, at least for a while, then would return in full force when they fought or when she decided to leave him because of the hypersensitivity to his responses. She added that, when severe, this feeling was so emotionally painful she would almost do anything to relieve it, even cut or burn herself, although the emotional pain always returned shortly thereafter.
Another patient told me early in her treatment that when she felt empty and bored for a long period, she would leave her husband without notice and travel to another city. There she would see a former teacher for a brief two-or-three day affair, then go back to her husband. Although she temporarily felt excited, desired, and satisfied by these escapades she dreaded having to deal with her husband about her absences. Nonetheless, the pattern continued until she was able to understand the nature of the feelings and the life situations that triggered this behavior, then to take measures to gain control over it. Fortunately, her husband was able to tolerate the behavior until she was able to develop alternative and much more effective responses to the emptiness and boredom she often felt.
Impulsivity
The tendency toward impulsive, self-damaging behavior is so common and so strong in people with borderline disorder that some experts in the field consider it the most important problem in the disorder. They believe it is more important than the symptoms of emotional instability and impaired reasoning, because impulsivity appears to be the best predictor of the long-term outcome of the disorder. Those people with borderline disorder who are very impulsive tend to have a much worse prognosis than those who are not as impulsive. Research suggests that impulsivity in people with borderline disorder is the result of an imbalance between those neural systems (nerve cell pathways that control specific behaviors) that regulate emotions, impulse control, and reasoning. Research has also show that impulsive behavior is present to some degree in most people with borderline disorder. Following are the major groups of symptoms within the broad category of impulsivity.
Impulsive Behaviors that Harm You
If you have borderline disorder, there are many ways that you could behave impulsively, such as binge eating and spending money recklessly on clothes or other items. You may also engage in other more serious impulsive acts like excessive drinking, sexual promiscuity, violent, aggressive acts or uncontrollable outbursts of rage.
In general, impulsive behaviors often follow episodes of emotional storms and disruptions in close relationships, especially real or threatened abandonment. They also appear to be more common in people with borderline disorder who have been physically or sexually abused as children. In order to fit this particular diagnostic criterion, you need to exhibit impulsive behavior in at least two of the self-destructive ways mentioned above.
Suicidal Behavior, Gestures, Threats, or Self-Mutilating Behavior
This is a particular striking group of impulsive symptoms that occurs among many, but by no means all, people with borderline disorder. They are referred to as parasuicidal acts. The severity of these behaviors ranges from very serious acts that may be life-threatening, to threats that often attempts to control a situation, gain attention, or seek help. You may do these things in a desperate attempt to have someone take care of you, or to "get even" with them, or to get your way. More often, you may hurt yourself in order to help reduce the emotional pain you frequently feel when it reaches an intolerable level.
Munchausen's Syndrome
A very striking and serious form of self-injurious behavior that may occur in people with borderline disorder is Munchausen's Syndrome, also known as factitious illness. People with this disorder hurt themselves intentionally, but in a way that looks like a bonafide medical problem.
Impaired Perception and Reasoning
People with borderline disorder often say they have difficulty with their memory; especially under stress. You may also misperceive experiences, expecting the worst from others, even when nothing negative is intended. You may have difficulty with your concentration, and with organizing your thoughts and behaviors. You may not be able to think a complex problem through adequately and determine reasonable alternative, and the consequences of these alternatives. These difficulties with the perception of important events, thinking, and reasoning may result in faulty decisions that could have highly detrimental consequences.
It is not surprising that you may have difficulty in participating in reasonable conversations to solve problems when you are in a hyperemotional state, or to remember accurately the content of these situations afterward. In other words, emotional hyperreactivity often gets in the way of normal reasoning in social or interpersonal situations. This difficulty in social reasoning seriously impairs the learning and developing skills you need to have mature, successful, and sustained personal relationships.
Brief Episodes of Paranoid Thinking
Research shows that people with borderline disorder are more likely to expect others to behave badly toward them than people without the disorder. When exposed to severe stress (usually criticism), or imagined (or real) abandonment, when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or when treated with certain classes of stimulants such as amphetamine, or with certain antidepressants, some people with borderline disorder become very suspicious and have difficulty thinking rationally. Brief episodes of paranoid thinking may occur, when they falsely believe that others are planning harm against them. Hallucinations, such as hearing strange voices, music, or other sounds is also common.
Dissociative Symptoms
You may notice that there are periods of time during which you can't recall what you said or did. These are called dissociative episodes. At their extreme, dissociative episodes can be so severe that the person actually splits off part of their feelings, thinking, and behavior, and temporarily creates one or more separate personalities. When this occurs, it's referred to as multiple personality disorder. Multiple personality disorder is experienced by an unknown percentage of people with borderline disorder.
Magical Thinking
In addition, you may have odd thoughts, such as unrealistic and magical thinking. Magical thinking is the use of highly unrealistic thoughts to solve current emotional distress in your life. For example, you may believe that someone you will become a successful architect and design your first building in less than a year, even before graduating college. You may also believe you have a sixth sense or are even clairvoyant.
Depersonalization
You may have episodes of depersonalization during which you feel unreal, as if in a dream, and strangely detached from the world, or outside your body. You may feel numb or hollow.
Unstable Self-Image or Sense of Self
You may often feel that you have little self-worth, and that your self-concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to you. If they seem loving & attentive, you feel good about yourself. But their criticisms may cause you great anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and despair. Regardless of what you have accomplished, it doesn't seem to counterbalance the opinions of others. In other words, you may feel as if you have little self-esteem, that your esteem is almost totally dependent on others.
You may often feel unsure of who you really area, what values you truly believe, what career you should truly pursue, what causes you should support. You may have difficulty feeling "centered", and in developing a constancy of purpose in your life that serves to stabilize and to give integrity and predictability to your peace of mind and behavior. As one patient put it, "I feel as if I too easily adopt the characteristics of the people I am with. I am desperate that they like me. I adopt mannerisms, their way of speaking, and their attitudes, even the ones that I don't usually agree with. Other people's opinions of me are much more important to me than my own opinions and convictions. I feel as if I have an emptiness inside of me that only other people can fill."
However, there may be times when you swing to the other extreme. Then, you may be very critical, inflexible, and dogmatic about certain beliefs, to the point that you offend people around you. As a result of these difficulties, it's understandable that you may do better in stable, highly structured situations, especially with people whose behaviors and personal values are solid and stable.
Marked Disturbed Relationships
Given the above information, it's not surprising that your life may be marked by tumultuous relationships. Usually, the closer the relationship you have, the greater the turmoil. During childhood and early adolescence, the major problems in relationships usually occur with parents, other family members, teachers and friends. Later in life difficulties occur with boyfriends or girlfriends and, in adulthood, with spouses, children, co-workers, and employers.
A Pattern of Unstable and Intense Personal Relationships
You may have noticed that you fluctuate dramatically and quickly in your feelings and attitudes toward those people who are very important to you. At times, you may perceive someone to be more wonderful than anyone could reasonably be; capable of making you feel happy, safe, important, and alive under any circumstance. In other words, you unrealistically overvalue and idealize this person who is so central to your sense of well being. You may find that you cling almost desperately, to these people and worry continually that they will leave you.
Of course, no one is able to live up to these unrealistic standards for very long. Then, disappointed that the relationship cannot stabilize YOUR feelings and life, you may have an abrupt change in attitude that moves too far in the other direction. For example, after a small slight, you may perceive the other person to be uncaring, unsupportive, selfish, and even punitive, to a much greater degree than is actually the case. In doing so, you devalue the importance of that person, finding fault with them at every turn. You won't be able to tolerate this situation for very long, so you may abruptly swing back to the other extreme, only to find the cycle repeats itself, over and over, until you push this person away, often regrettably.
A Black-and-White Life
Many people with borderline disorder report that they see themselves, other people, and the world in general as black or white, as good or bad, and they have great difficulty in dealing effectively with the gray areas of relationships. These gray areas, of course, constitute the vast majority of human interactions. You may have a hard time accurately weighing positive characteristics and behaviors against ones that you don't like, in part because you often over-respond emotionally to negative actions, and also because of your difficulty in social reasoning.
Consequently, it may be quite difficult for you to reach a well-balanced and reasonably integrated opinion about people, especially those important to you. This makes it difficult for you to deal with important relationships in positive ways that enable you to adapt well to the reasonable frailties of other people. It follows naturally that you may also find it difficult to determine effective ways to have others adapt well to your own shortcomings. To some degree, this may be because, when you're symptomatic, you believe unrealistically that your difficulties are mainly the result of the behaviors of other people, not your own.
::That's it .......I can't write anymore tonight::
-Des
Monday, June 13, 2011
My Life
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves
Article: Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.
Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.
In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her.
It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.
Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.
Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.
It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.
It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.
But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.
The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.
She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.
Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.
The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.
But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.
“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.
Love: The Hater Phase
Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder regularly misunderstand inner feelings mixing them up with the emotion of the moment. They have a difficult time knowing the difference between LOVE, IN LOVE and SEX. They will make rush decisions only to regret them, but their narcissistic nature would almost make them "eat their nose" before admitting this.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness and should be treated as the pattern will keep repeating itself.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/
Article: Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.
Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.
- Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase
In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her.
It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.
Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.
Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.
It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.
- Love: The Clinger Phase
It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.
But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.
The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.
She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.
Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.
The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.
But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.
“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.
Love: The Hater Phase
Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder regularly misunderstand inner feelings mixing them up with the emotion of the moment. They have a difficult time knowing the difference between LOVE, IN LOVE and SEX. They will make rush decisions only to regret them, but their narcissistic nature would almost make them "eat their nose" before admitting this.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness and should be treated as the pattern will keep repeating itself.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Meet the kids!!!
Something to make you laugh!!
My puppy, Reed, trying to get to his bone on the daybed in my home office, but too afraid of "the mama cat", a.k.a. - Thumpy, to jump on the bed. Watch for the attack....rofl!!
God, I love these crazy pets of mine!!!!
My puppy, Reed, trying to get to his bone on the daybed in my home office, but too afraid of "the mama cat", a.k.a. - Thumpy, to jump on the bed. Watch for the attack....rofl!!
God, I love these crazy pets of mine!!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What we need....
I have been following MORE THAN A MINIVAN MOM'S blog for years now. I recently went through (as a reader) the pain, humiliation, frustration, saddness, anger and hurt....dear God, the hurt....she has endured over finding out her husband (who was nicknamed "the saint" no less) admitted to cheating - TWICE - and then divorced her to be with her (ex) best friend. Sigh. This stuff really does happen.
Her latest post is uplifting though.
As the saying goes, God never closes one door without opening a new one.
Sounds like God has sent her an angel.
Someone that appreciates, honors, respects, and loves her.
Someone that finds her attractive (let's just say things are okay in the bedroom) and desirable.
Someone that cheks in with her, not in a co-dependent sort-of-way - but in a respectful, "I know you've been hurt and your trust has been shattered and you need this assurance from me-sort-of-way."
He loves her three children and they love him.
He helps her around the house.
He is a good man.
It's ironic because I use to sympothize with her ex husband. There were times she would blog and talk down about him and pretty much - make fun of his manhood. Ouch. I felt his pain.
What I didn't know - then - was that it was because he was distant, unaffectionate, cold, manipulative and pretty much didn't appreciate her 1%.
Ah. It all makes sense now.
Now I sympothize with her.
As a woman who lost her best friend to her cheating husband.
As a woman who had her heart broken by a man she trusted 100%.
As a woman who has the weight of the world on her shoulders running a house with 3 kids and a full time job.
As a woman void of affection, attention and.........love........for so long.
I recently learned on an episode of "Addicted to Food" on the OWN Network that a woman (gay or straight) needs to hear two things in her life.....from her dad or primary caretaker....
1.) I love you
2.) You are beautiful
Seems this spills over into marriages and relationships too.
Isn't that what we all want?
Isn't that what we all seek?
It is as much a human need as the air we breath, the food we eat and the water we drink.
We need love, affection, attention....
We need to feel important.
Like we matter in someone's life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah ----- I get the bullshit about mattering in your OWN life.....got it, thanks. Check mark.
But we all want that from someone else.
Hell, we NEED it.
I know I do.
What is life without love?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Her latest post is uplifting though.
As the saying goes, God never closes one door without opening a new one.
Sounds like God has sent her an angel.
Someone that appreciates, honors, respects, and loves her.
Someone that finds her attractive (let's just say things are okay in the bedroom) and desirable.
Someone that cheks in with her, not in a co-dependent sort-of-way - but in a respectful, "I know you've been hurt and your trust has been shattered and you need this assurance from me-sort-of-way."
He loves her three children and they love him.
He helps her around the house.
He is a good man.
It's ironic because I use to sympothize with her ex husband. There were times she would blog and talk down about him and pretty much - make fun of his manhood. Ouch. I felt his pain.
What I didn't know - then - was that it was because he was distant, unaffectionate, cold, manipulative and pretty much didn't appreciate her 1%.
Ah. It all makes sense now.
Now I sympothize with her.
As a woman who lost her best friend to her cheating husband.
As a woman who had her heart broken by a man she trusted 100%.
As a woman who has the weight of the world on her shoulders running a house with 3 kids and a full time job.
As a woman void of affection, attention and.........love........for so long.
I recently learned on an episode of "Addicted to Food" on the OWN Network that a woman (gay or straight) needs to hear two things in her life.....from her dad or primary caretaker....
1.) I love you
2.) You are beautiful
Seems this spills over into marriages and relationships too.
Isn't that what we all want?
Isn't that what we all seek?
It is as much a human need as the air we breath, the food we eat and the water we drink.
We need love, affection, attention....
We need to feel important.
Like we matter in someone's life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah ----- I get the bullshit about mattering in your OWN life.....got it, thanks. Check mark.
But we all want that from someone else.
Hell, we NEED it.
I know I do.
What is life without love?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Boo!
So THIS is what my mom has been talking about.
You finally reach an age where you "don't give a crap" what people think anymore AND you start doing things you never thought you would....
hence..
Contacting "haunted" inns throughout New England to "host" my agency (me) for a night in exchange for an article written up on my company's blog.
Why am I doing this? I POOP MY PANTS in freaky, old, historic places like that ----
But. God. Is. It. Fun.
Something about being afraid makes me feel ALIVE.
It's kinda like that feeling you get on a roller coaster drop. G-force.
The only part I hate is BED TIME. When my partner is sleeping like an angel next to me and I need a bottle of sleeping pills to get 30 min of shut-eye.
I'm on to something here, though.
I am going to start hosting "LIVE" ghost hunts (via live web streams) from a video recorder. This will help me feel less alone/afraid once Melanie passes out from "cackle" laughter at my fear.
I am also going to record EVP's and take photos and......well....this is the intent. Will it happen? Who knows.
I may poop my pants and leave.
BUT SIGN ME UP! I don't care if I make a fool out of myself. Hopefully any "spirits" I come in contact with like a friendly, little, tomboy Italian! :)
I am frightened.
And it feels sooooooooooooooooo good.
-Des
You finally reach an age where you "don't give a crap" what people think anymore AND you start doing things you never thought you would....
hence..
Contacting "haunted" inns throughout New England to "host" my agency (me) for a night in exchange for an article written up on my company's blog.
Why am I doing this? I POOP MY PANTS in freaky, old, historic places like that ----
But. God. Is. It. Fun.
Something about being afraid makes me feel ALIVE.
It's kinda like that feeling you get on a roller coaster drop. G-force.
The only part I hate is BED TIME. When my partner is sleeping like an angel next to me and I need a bottle of sleeping pills to get 30 min of shut-eye.
I'm on to something here, though.
I am going to start hosting "LIVE" ghost hunts (via live web streams) from a video recorder. This will help me feel less alone/afraid once Melanie passes out from "cackle" laughter at my fear.
I am also going to record EVP's and take photos and......well....this is the intent. Will it happen? Who knows.
I may poop my pants and leave.
BUT SIGN ME UP! I don't care if I make a fool out of myself. Hopefully any "spirits" I come in contact with like a friendly, little, tomboy Italian! :)
I am frightened.
And it feels sooooooooooooooooo good.
-Des
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
In Keeping With The Theme....
In keeping with the theme below....
Think of this post as a PICTURE BOOK.....
I think you can figure it out.
Think of this post as a PICTURE BOOK.....
I think you can figure it out.
Damn, my finger looks big!?!?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Becoming Chaz has touched my heart
I have never really taken to Chastity Bono. I never thought twice about her, honestly. That all changed after seeing 'Becoming Chaz' last night on the OWN Network.
Chaz is the real deal. Likeable. Honest. Sweet.
Brave.
You can tell a lot by the people who are in their lives and Chaz has a loving, accepting family (sans Cher who is doing "the best she could" -- whatever, Cher - lol) and an amazing, loving, partner, Jennie.
That makes all the difference, doesn't it? It makes life so - much - easier.
I am a tomboy lesbian. Definately more in touch with my "boy style" but perfectly fine with the fact that I am a woman, however, I did find myself relating to Chaz on SOME levels.
Chaz is transgendered. A man stuck in a woman's body. Well, no longer, now that she undergone surgery, hormone treatment etc., I believe Chaz. I get it.
My breasts annoy me - mostly because they make me appear bigger than I am. In my mind I am a tall, lean, tomboy --- not a MAN --- just a lanky, flat-chested tomboy woman. If anything I would want a breast reduction.
I am not transgendered. I just relate on some levels.
I love the relationship between Chaz and her longtime girlfriend, Jennie.
I love the way Jennie looked at Chaz. She accepted Chaz even though she is (very) overweight. She was/is attracted to her - both as a woman and now, a man.
Wow.
I love how intimate they are. How they could read each other. How Jennie was there for Chaz. How Chaz allowed it.
I love that Jennie cried out of the joy she felt after Chaz had his top surgery.
She was so happy for him.
She made it through the hormone's where he because, as she put it, "VERY MANLY".
She stuck by him.
She doesn't care that he is overweight.
She doesn't care that he now has facial hair.
She doesn't care that there is hair on his ass, for the love of God! LOL!
She doesn't care that Chaz is prone to sweating ----
She. Just. Loves. Chaz. She loved Chastity and she loves Chaz.
Let me also say that Jennie is a very attractive, straight-looking/acting, woman.
Every man/tomboy's dream.
As Chaz put it, "She is Fucking crazy, but I like that because I would be bored if I was with someone who was like me."
Well put, Chaz.
Jennie suffered with a drinking problem through grad school, but she is now sober.
Chastity had an addiction to pain meds -- Chaz is sober.
They accept each other.
Chaz said that the past year was the toughest they had ever gone through (they've been together since 2005). He wasn't sure if they could make it thought, but Jennie, as quoted on Oprah said, "Not once did I ever think of leaving Chaz."
Love.
What I learned from this documentary is to NOT WORRY about the little things. Things like changing up in front of my partner, being seen (gulp) nude in the light, having my legs touched if (gulp) I haven't shaved in a couple of days --- being more intimate. If you are with the right person they will make you feel gorgeous and loved no matter what.
Love makes all things possible. Love makes you brave.
Love makes you feel safe.
Love makes you feel accepted.
Love makes you feel secure.
And in Chaz's case....
Love LOVES you regardless of your breasts, facial and ass hair.
Oh -- and love makes amazing sandwiches.
Chaz is the real deal. Likeable. Honest. Sweet.
Brave.
You can tell a lot by the people who are in their lives and Chaz has a loving, accepting family (sans Cher who is doing "the best she could" -- whatever, Cher - lol) and an amazing, loving, partner, Jennie.
That makes all the difference, doesn't it? It makes life so - much - easier.
I am a tomboy lesbian. Definately more in touch with my "boy style" but perfectly fine with the fact that I am a woman, however, I did find myself relating to Chaz on SOME levels.
Chaz is transgendered. A man stuck in a woman's body. Well, no longer, now that she undergone surgery, hormone treatment etc., I believe Chaz. I get it.
My breasts annoy me - mostly because they make me appear bigger than I am. In my mind I am a tall, lean, tomboy --- not a MAN --- just a lanky, flat-chested tomboy woman. If anything I would want a breast reduction.
I am not transgendered. I just relate on some levels.
I love the relationship between Chaz and her longtime girlfriend, Jennie.
I love the way Jennie looked at Chaz. She accepted Chaz even though she is (very) overweight. She was/is attracted to her - both as a woman and now, a man.
Wow.
I love how intimate they are. How they could read each other. How Jennie was there for Chaz. How Chaz allowed it.
I love that Jennie cried out of the joy she felt after Chaz had his top surgery.
She was so happy for him.
She made it through the hormone's where he because, as she put it, "VERY MANLY".
She stuck by him.
She doesn't care that he is overweight.
She doesn't care that he now has facial hair.
She doesn't care that there is hair on his ass, for the love of God! LOL!
She doesn't care that Chaz is prone to sweating ----
She. Just. Loves. Chaz. She loved Chastity and she loves Chaz.
Let me also say that Jennie is a very attractive, straight-looking/acting, woman.
Every man/tomboy's dream.
As Chaz put it, "She is Fucking crazy, but I like that because I would be bored if I was with someone who was like me."
Well put, Chaz.
Jennie suffered with a drinking problem through grad school, but she is now sober.
Chastity had an addiction to pain meds -- Chaz is sober.
They accept each other.
Chaz said that the past year was the toughest they had ever gone through (they've been together since 2005). He wasn't sure if they could make it thought, but Jennie, as quoted on Oprah said, "Not once did I ever think of leaving Chaz."
Love.
What I learned from this documentary is to NOT WORRY about the little things. Things like changing up in front of my partner, being seen (gulp) nude in the light, having my legs touched if (gulp) I haven't shaved in a couple of days --- being more intimate. If you are with the right person they will make you feel gorgeous and loved no matter what.
Love makes all things possible. Love makes you brave.
Love makes you feel safe.
Love makes you feel accepted.
Love makes you feel secure.
And in Chaz's case....
Love LOVES you regardless of your breasts, facial and ass hair.
Oh -- and love makes amazing sandwiches.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Ironic
Sometimes the pain in my heart amazes me.
I've come to realize that a person can....
Have a mother and father.....but not have a mom or dad.
Have siblings......but not have a brother or sister.
Have grandparents......but no grandparents.
Friends.....but not one true friend.
Be in a relationship....but feel more single then when single.
Be a hard worker.....but still struggle.
Be outgoing.....but still insecure.
Life seems to be about give and take, but lately I find I give more and get so little.
I know I used the example of mother and father above, but let me assure you, my mother is my best friend
and always there for me --- I am using some of these as examples only.
Some people can be frightened into silence.
Some people could be so silent it's frightening.
You can love horror movies......but scare easily.
You can be brave......but afraid of so many things.
You can smile.....when inside your heart breaks.
It's so ironic.
You can want to yell but barely whisper.
I always tell people not to judge a book by its cover.
What appears to be SO PERFECT and HAPPY is usually destroyed and sad.
The only true way to know the true story is to get to know someone.
Someone get to know me.
Please.
I've come to realize that a person can....
Have a mother and father.....but not have a mom or dad.
Have siblings......but not have a brother or sister.
Have grandparents......but no grandparents.
Friends.....but not one true friend.
Be in a relationship....but feel more single then when single.
Be a hard worker.....but still struggle.
Be outgoing.....but still insecure.
Life seems to be about give and take, but lately I find I give more and get so little.
I know I used the example of mother and father above, but let me assure you, my mother is my best friend
and always there for me --- I am using some of these as examples only.
Some people can be frightened into silence.
Some people could be so silent it's frightening.
You can love horror movies......but scare easily.
You can be brave......but afraid of so many things.
You can smile.....when inside your heart breaks.
It's so ironic.
You can want to yell but barely whisper.
I always tell people not to judge a book by its cover.
What appears to be SO PERFECT and HAPPY is usually destroyed and sad.
The only true way to know the true story is to get to know someone.
Someone get to know me.
Please.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I'm sick and healthy
I am like the four seasons.
I laugh. I cry. I am peaceful. I get mad.
I am as real as it gets.
Don't question my sanity, because I'm already a step ahead questioning yours.
I've got your number before you even give me the digits.
I may be silent. I may chose not to respond. To retaliate. Two wrongs don't make a right.
But I've got the numbers of anyone that tries to knock down my spirit.
It. Just. Won't. Happen.
My love is too storng. My faith is too strong. My resolve is too strong.
The worst thing you can do to me is cause me to suffocate on my emotions. I will pull away -- so far away.
I will find someone to share them with. To discuss. To work through.
Healthy.
I feel so healthy today even though I am fighting an awful cold.
I feel...so....very.....healthy.
I laugh. I cry. I am peaceful. I get mad.
I am as real as it gets.
Don't question my sanity, because I'm already a step ahead questioning yours.
I've got your number before you even give me the digits.
I may be silent. I may chose not to respond. To retaliate. Two wrongs don't make a right.
But I've got the numbers of anyone that tries to knock down my spirit.
It. Just. Won't. Happen.
My love is too storng. My faith is too strong. My resolve is too strong.
The worst thing you can do to me is cause me to suffocate on my emotions. I will pull away -- so far away.
I will find someone to share them with. To discuss. To work through.
Healthy.
I feel so healthy today even though I am fighting an awful cold.
I feel...so....very.....healthy.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Things that make me....
Storm chasing, photo taking, guitar playing, blog writing, road tripping, travel booking, trip planning, laughing, squirrel loving, family loving, aunt, daughter, godmother, friend, partner, paranormal loving, spiritual, prayer believing, Medjugorje fanatic, miracle believer --- Melanie.
Things that make me.....
Happy.
Things that make me.....
Happy.
Good catch
I'm what you call a good catch. I'm not tooting my own horn here (okay, maybe a little) - but I am.
I am family oriented. Devoted. Trustworthy.
I try to make the person I am with feel like the most important woman in the world.
I love kids. I love pets. I love family life.
I like to cook. I don't mind cleaning. I am a great snuggler and I laugh easily (especially at myself).
I don't like fights. Hate to swear (unless behind a slow driver) and am easy going.
I try my best to encourage those in my life.
I put up with pain well.
I forgive easy.
I am able to put my hurt on the shelf and wonder why a person did/does what they do.
I try to understand.
My heart has been stepped on, punched and crushed and yet I still.....love.
I have many interests.
I am easily excitable.
I am sensitive - sometimes to a fault.
I expect respect.
I expect kindness.
I expect to be valued.
Give me an inch and I will give you a yard.
........
I'm a good catch.
I am family oriented. Devoted. Trustworthy.
I try to make the person I am with feel like the most important woman in the world.
I love kids. I love pets. I love family life.
I like to cook. I don't mind cleaning. I am a great snuggler and I laugh easily (especially at myself).
I don't like fights. Hate to swear (unless behind a slow driver) and am easy going.
I try my best to encourage those in my life.
I put up with pain well.
I forgive easy.
I am able to put my hurt on the shelf and wonder why a person did/does what they do.
I try to understand.
My heart has been stepped on, punched and crushed and yet I still.....love.
I have many interests.
I am easily excitable.
I am sensitive - sometimes to a fault.
I expect respect.
I expect kindness.
I expect to be valued.
Give me an inch and I will give you a yard.
........
I'm a good catch.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Noise
Last night I woke up to the news Bin Laden was dead (about time).
I dozed off to THAT news and awoke to the loudest gun shot I ever heard.
Somewhere in my great neighborhood of Warren.
Tears filled my eyes. I prayed. That sound can never be a good thing.
Never.
Informed cops of what we heard. Did they even care?
Daybreak - abundant sunshine - birds singing - sounds of the morning.
Life goes on - for some.
What was that gun shot about? Suicide? Celebration over the death of Bin Laden? Accident? Murder?
Fear. Worry. Saddness.
I love waking up to a sunny morning. So much anticipation for the day.
I love hearing my neighbors go about their "family" life upstairs. Twinge of jealousy and longing.
I hate the silence in my apartment at this moment.
Put on music. Play with pets. Work --- but still --- silence.
During the warmer months I can have my window open and pretend I am part of the noise outside. It comforts me.
Is there anyone else out there that feels the same as me?
Yuck. I had freezer burned, blueberry waffles this morning. Why? Hunger pains. Deseperation.
Neighbors cooked bacon and coffee --- I could smell it so the waffles seemed like the right thing to do.
I ate them standing up - by myself - near the toaster. Turned lights on in kitchen to feel more alive.
Not even 8am.
Maybe today will be the day I make a sale. Sell an ad.
Become ---- important.
Maybe today will be the day I meet someone who feels the way I do and longs for a friendship that helps them feel......connected.
I love connection.
I love romance.
I love ----- sunshine.
Thank you God for making the day nice enough to open my window and feel part of the noise around me.
I dozed off to THAT news and awoke to the loudest gun shot I ever heard.
Somewhere in my great neighborhood of Warren.
Tears filled my eyes. I prayed. That sound can never be a good thing.
Never.
Informed cops of what we heard. Did they even care?
Daybreak - abundant sunshine - birds singing - sounds of the morning.
Life goes on - for some.
What was that gun shot about? Suicide? Celebration over the death of Bin Laden? Accident? Murder?
Fear. Worry. Saddness.
I love waking up to a sunny morning. So much anticipation for the day.
I love hearing my neighbors go about their "family" life upstairs. Twinge of jealousy and longing.
I hate the silence in my apartment at this moment.
Put on music. Play with pets. Work --- but still --- silence.
During the warmer months I can have my window open and pretend I am part of the noise outside. It comforts me.
Is there anyone else out there that feels the same as me?
Yuck. I had freezer burned, blueberry waffles this morning. Why? Hunger pains. Deseperation.
Neighbors cooked bacon and coffee --- I could smell it so the waffles seemed like the right thing to do.
I ate them standing up - by myself - near the toaster. Turned lights on in kitchen to feel more alive.
Not even 8am.
Maybe today will be the day I make a sale. Sell an ad.
Become ---- important.
Maybe today will be the day I meet someone who feels the way I do and longs for a friendship that helps them feel......connected.
I love connection.
I love romance.
I love ----- sunshine.
Thank you God for making the day nice enough to open my window and feel part of the noise around me.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It's Been Awhile....
It's been awhile.
It is impossible to summerize everything that has been going on. Instead I will share words that come to mind:
snuggle. smile. gaze. embrace. laughter. conversation. trust. pain. hurt. saddness. worry. security. worry. passion. kiss. kindness. gentle. travel. write. photography. summer. sunshine. beach. road trip. thunderstorms. tornados. storm chasing. money. security. fear. do for others. bring joy to. pray. wish. mary. medjugorje. miracles. spirituality. paranormal. ghosts. death. loneliness. hurt. anger. frustration. confusion. lost. happy. joyful. read.
longing. tight chested. pain in heart.
health.
fear.
enthusiasm.
kindness.
adventure.
thrill.
florida.
ocean.
gym.
kissing. holding. snuggling. affection. trust.
look in the eyes.
valued.
appreciated.
understood.
heard.
laughter. laughter. LAUGHTER.
talk. talk. TALK.
Honored.
desired.
cherished.
HONESTY.
butterflies.
passion.
work. write. work. write. photos. work. write. photos. money. fear. worry. prayer.
make proud.
bring peace to.
independent.
smile. love. joy. hug. hold. respect. trust. share.
sad. hurt. pain. PAIN. heartache. confusion. betrayel. frustration. why.
devotion. respect. love. honor. trust.
flowers. trees. grass. ocean.
bbq.
travel. travel. travel.
love. love. love.
fear.
sadness.
loneliness.
prayer. hope. miracle. help.
longing.
family.
-Des
It is impossible to summerize everything that has been going on. Instead I will share words that come to mind:
snuggle. smile. gaze. embrace. laughter. conversation. trust. pain. hurt. saddness. worry. security. worry. passion. kiss. kindness. gentle. travel. write. photography. summer. sunshine. beach. road trip. thunderstorms. tornados. storm chasing. money. security. fear. do for others. bring joy to. pray. wish. mary. medjugorje. miracles. spirituality. paranormal. ghosts. death. loneliness. hurt. anger. frustration. confusion. lost. happy. joyful. read.
longing. tight chested. pain in heart.
health.
fear.
enthusiasm.
kindness.
adventure.
thrill.
florida.
ocean.
gym.
kissing. holding. snuggling. affection. trust.
look in the eyes.
valued.
appreciated.
understood.
heard.
laughter. laughter. LAUGHTER.
talk. talk. TALK.
Honored.
desired.
cherished.
HONESTY.
butterflies.
passion.
work. write. work. write. photos. work. write. photos. money. fear. worry. prayer.
make proud.
bring peace to.
independent.
smile. love. joy. hug. hold. respect. trust. share.
sad. hurt. pain. PAIN. heartache. confusion. betrayel. frustration. why.
devotion. respect. love. honor. trust.
flowers. trees. grass. ocean.
bbq.
travel. travel. travel.
love. love. love.
fear.
sadness.
loneliness.
prayer. hope. miracle. help.
longing.
family.
-Des
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Guess who is back??
Okay, so I have been missing for almost a year and probably not a soul cares, so I won't even spend time rehashing any of the ups and downs of 2009-2010.
Let's just focus on the here and now!
It is almost Thanksgiving! In roughly one week people all over North America will be gathering around the kitchen table and stuffing themselves with a bunch of regrets, oops, I mean food.
I don't know what it is but I am feeling EXTRA festive this year. Maybe it's the move to Warren and the 1920's, beautiful, retro-type apt Mel and I live in? Maybe it's the amazing fall weather we've been blessed with this year or maybe it's just that I like Christmas lights? Hmm. Speaking of which, I have already put them up. Judge if you must, but I (we) like it. Nothing too gaudy. Very classy and cozy. It makes you want to put on a pair of cozy PJ's, curl on the coach, sip hot chocolate and watch a Christmas movie. If only we had a wood burning fireplace - it would be perfect.
I have decided from now until New Year's Day, I am going to do something FESTIVE and not gain 100 lbs in the process! Join me on this journey, will you? :)
So what have I done today, Nov 17th?
Let's just focus on the here and now!
It is almost Thanksgiving! In roughly one week people all over North America will be gathering around the kitchen table and stuffing themselves with a bunch of regrets, oops, I mean food.
I don't know what it is but I am feeling EXTRA festive this year. Maybe it's the move to Warren and the 1920's, beautiful, retro-type apt Mel and I live in? Maybe it's the amazing fall weather we've been blessed with this year or maybe it's just that I like Christmas lights? Hmm. Speaking of which, I have already put them up. Judge if you must, but I (we) like it. Nothing too gaudy. Very classy and cozy. It makes you want to put on a pair of cozy PJ's, curl on the coach, sip hot chocolate and watch a Christmas movie. If only we had a wood burning fireplace - it would be perfect.
I have decided from now until New Year's Day, I am going to do something FESTIVE and not gain 100 lbs in the process! Join me on this journey, will you? :)
So what have I done today, Nov 17th?
- Listened to Christmas music while working AND in the car (I do frantically switch channels when that @&^*^$@*^@# Charlie Brown instrumental comes on or some other "finger nails on the chalkboard" type song)
- Put on the Christmas lights in the house.
- Lit our pine and cinnamon candles
I would say I am watching a Christmas movie tonight, but it IS Wednesday which = Ghost Hunters and Storm Chasers. Do you think I can burn calories while watching these hunt/chase shows? .... I didn't think so.
What have I done to manage (and hopefully lose) weight today? Not a whole lot, unfortunately! :( I did house work and had salad for lunch and a healthy turkey sandwich and soup for dinner but I gaffed that up my my PMS-crazed devouring of a muffin top and bear claw (screw you Panera Bread.....screw you....a'hem). BUT, tomorrow is a NEW day. I truly hope to get anywhere from 30 min to an hour of working out in each day and watch my weight better than ever during the holiday.
Oh yeah.....I am having a mock Thanksgiving dinner at my place tomorrow night.....NO WORRIES.....I will make it as healthy as possible. Chicken (Mel doesn't eat turkey), mashed sweet potatoes, whole wheat stuffing, green beans and salad. For dessert? Maybe pumpkin bread pudding. I saw the recipe online and it sounded yummy and "not so bad for you" ----- may be worth the shot?
For those of you who forgot, this is what Mel and I look like (I am the one without glasses).
Anyway,
Life is pretty good at the moment. I love spending time with "da mamas" (mom & Elizabeth), my beautiful niece/goddaughter, Angel Lynn, friends, and of course, my partner, Melanie.
I am still hard at work with my travel business, Out & About Travel (http://www.gaytravelpros.com/) and have a pretty hopping Twitter account, http://www.twitter.com/gaytravelpros. I can also be found on Facebook, http://www.facebook.com/desireesousa. One more thing I'd like to mention is the fact that I have started a blog devoted entirely to Out & About Travel, http://www.gaytravelagent.wordpress.com/.
I've been on some pretty fantastic trips this past year including a trip to Walt Disney World & Key West and a 3 1/2 weeks road trip from Rhode Island to Niagara Falls, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, Fort Worth-Texas, New Orleans-LA, Destin-FL, Gatlinburg-TN and back home.
Mel and I took a short but wonderful trip to Vermont earlier this fall and plan on going to Mont Tremblant the end of December to round 2010's travel out.
Only God knows what is in store for 2011.
Good to be blogging again! ;)
-Des
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Honesty
What a beautiful, romantic, gorgeous, Saturday night. I am watching the season's first fallen snow outside my window and....I....am.....painfully....lonely.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs how lonely I am. How I am craving attention and romance.
I have so much love to give and boy, do I give it. Is there anything wrong with wanting and needing this in return?
Thank God for the written word. How therapeutic it is. Most likely not a soul will read this tonight, yet, in writing this, I feel like I am having a conversation with someone. How I am craving a real, true, conversation.
I am 33 years old. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships and most likely with their family or kids tonight. I want that. I don't want to feel this way.
I am so tired of being alone. Tired of having so much INSIDE I want and need to let out....to express.
I shouldn't be alone tonight. I should be in someone's arms, feeling like the most important thing on the planet. Like my wants and needs matter because that is what I give and because that person loves me as much as I them.
I wish I could put forth the pain I am feeling inside at this moment. The loneliness. The emptiness. The need for connection.
Yes, thank God for the written word.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs how lonely I am. How I am craving attention and romance.
I have so much love to give and boy, do I give it. Is there anything wrong with wanting and needing this in return?
Thank God for the written word. How therapeutic it is. Most likely not a soul will read this tonight, yet, in writing this, I feel like I am having a conversation with someone. How I am craving a real, true, conversation.
I am 33 years old. All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships and most likely with their family or kids tonight. I want that. I don't want to feel this way.
I am so tired of being alone. Tired of having so much INSIDE I want and need to let out....to express.
I shouldn't be alone tonight. I should be in someone's arms, feeling like the most important thing on the planet. Like my wants and needs matter because that is what I give and because that person loves me as much as I them.
I wish I could put forth the pain I am feeling inside at this moment. The loneliness. The emptiness. The need for connection.
Yes, thank God for the written word.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
It's been awhile....
I know I haven't blogged in quite some time. The past few months have been some of the most challenging of my life.
Today I am going to a wake for one of the best friends I had ever made. A beautiful, 30 year old woman, that gave so much love and kindness while she blessed us with her presence here on earth.
I am heartbroken.
I will never be the same.
Yes, I have a lot to blog about.
I will be writing as soon as the storm clears.
Today I am going to a wake for one of the best friends I had ever made. A beautiful, 30 year old woman, that gave so much love and kindness while she blessed us with her presence here on earth.
I am heartbroken.
I will never be the same.
Yes, I have a lot to blog about.
I will be writing as soon as the storm clears.
Carinne Laverdiere
-Desi
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Another video for my love
I was fooling around with this free movie maker and made this video for my Melanie. It is the "trial version" which only allows 30 pictures. The video repeats untils the song ends...lol! :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
Video for my love!
I made this video awhile ago for my love, Melanie. I thought I would share it! :)
I love you honey! xoxo
-Des
I love you honey! xoxo
-Des
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The BEST Road Trip Mix for Driving Southwest Highways!
Possibly the BEST Road Trip Mix ever:
- Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
- Slow Ride - Foghart
- Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult
- Juke Box Hero - Foreigner
- Highway Song - Blackfoot
- Wheel In The Sky - Journey
- (Don't Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
- Long Cool Women (In a Black Dress) - The Hollies
- Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits
- Peaceful Easy Feeling - Eagles
- Listen to the Music - The Doobie Brothers
- Long Train Runnin' - The Doobie Brothers
- Amie - Pure Prairie League
- Ramblin' Man - The Allman Brothers
- Take it Easy - Eagles
- Rockin' Down the Highway - The Doobie Brothers
- Jet Airliner - Steve Miller Band
- Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo - Rick Derringer
- Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
- Roadhouse Blues - The Doors
- La Grange - ZZ Top
- Barracuda - Heart
- Strangehold - Ted Nugent
- Layla - Derek, Eric Clapton & The Dominos
- Rock'n Me - Steve Miller Band
- Pinball Wizard - The Who
- (Ghost) Riders in the Sky - The Outlaws
- Jamie's Cryin - Van Halen
- Magic Man - Heart
- Crazy On You - Heart
- Burnin' For You - Blue Oyster Cult
- Hold The Line - Toto
- Cold As Ice - Foreigner
- Urgent - Foreigner
- Love is Like Oxygen - Sweet
- Double Vision - Foreginer
- I Want it All - Queen
- Renegade - Styx
- Truckin' - The Greatful Dead
- Heart of Gold - Neil Young
- Fortunate Son - Creedance Clearwater
- Paint it, Black - The Rolling Stones
- What's Your Name - The Allman Brothers
- Already Gone - The Eagles
- Honky Tonk Women - The Rolling Stones
- Sweet Home Alabama - Lynard Skynard
- Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
- Trampled Under Foot - Led Zeppelin
- Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple
- Back in Black - AC/DC
- Hell's Bells - AC/DC
- Let It Go - Def Leppard
- You Got Me Runnin' - Def Leppard
- Lady Strange - Def Leppard
- Mirror, Mirror (Look Into My Eyes) - Def Leppard
- Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac
- Gold Dust Women - Fleetwood Mac
- Oh Daddy - Fleetwood Mac
- The Guitar Man - Bread
- Sister Golden Hair - America
- Feel Like Makin' Love - Bad Company
- Peace of Mind - Boston
HIT THE OPEN ROAD -- LIVE YOUR LIFE -- EXPLORE
-- SPREAD KINDNESS -- BREATH DEEP -- APPRECIATE!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Excerpt from 'A Whole New Mind'
Excerpt from A Whole New Mind
By Daniel Pink
INTRODUCING THE SIX SENSES In the Conceptual Age, we will need to complement our Left brain-Directed reasoning by mastering six essential Right brain-Directed aptitudes. Together these six high-concept, high-touch senses can help develop the whole new mind this new era demands.
By Daniel Pink
INTRODUCING THE SIX SENSES In the Conceptual Age, we will need to complement our Left brain-Directed reasoning by mastering six essential Right brain-Directed aptitudes. Together these six high-concept, high-touch senses can help develop the whole new mind this new era demands.
- Not just function but also DESIGN. It’s no longer sufficient to create a product, a service, an experience, or a lifestyle that’s merely functional. Today it’s economically crucial and personally rewarding to create something that is also beautiful, whimsical, or emotionally engaging.
- Not just argument but also STORY. When our lives are brimming with information and data, it’s not enough to marshal an effective argument. Someone somewhere will inevitably track down a counterpoint to rebut your point. The essence of persuasion, communication, and self-understanding has become the ability also to fashion a compelling narrative.
- Not just focus but also SYMPHONY. Much of the Industrial and Information Ages required focus and specialization. But as white-collar work gets routed to Asia and reduced to software, there’s a new premium on the opposite aptitude: putting the pieces together, or what I call Symphony. What’s in greatest demand today isn’t analysis but synthesis—seeing the big picture, crossing boundaries, and being able to combine disparate pieces into an arresting new whole.
- Not just logic but also EMPATHY. The capacity for logical thought is one of the things that makes us human. But in a world of ubiquitous information and advanced analytic tools, logic alone won’t do. What will distinguish those who thrive will be their ability to understand what makes their fellow woman or man tick, to forge relationships, and to care for others.
- Not just seriousness but also PLAY. Ample evidence points to the enormous health and professional benefits of laughter, lightheartedness, games, and humor. There is a time to be serious, of course. But too much sobriety can be bad for your career and worse for your general well-being. In the Conceptual Age, in work and in life, we all need to play.
- Not just accumulation but also MEANING. We live in a world of breathtaking material plenty. That has freed hundreds of millions of people from day-to-day struggles and liberated us to pursue more significant desires: purpose, transcendence, and spiritual fulfillment. Design. Story. Symphony. Empathy. Play. Meaning.
These six senses increasingly will guide our lives and shape our world. Many of you no doubt welcome such a change. But to some of you, this vision might seem dreadful—a hostile takeover of normal life by a band of poseurs in black unitards who will leave behind the insufficiently arty and emotive. Fear not. The high-concept, high-touch abilities that now matter most are fundamentally human attributes. After all, back on the savannah, our cave-person ancestors weren’t taking SATs or plugging numbers into spreadsheets. But they were telling stories, demonstrating empathy, and designing innovations. These abilities have always comprised part of what it means to be human. But after a few generations in the Information Age, these muscles have atrophied. The challenge is to work them back into shape. (That’s the idea behind the Portfolio section at the end of each chapter.
This collection of tools, exercises, and further reading materials will send you on your way to developing a whole new mind.) Anyone can master the six Conceptual Age senses. But those who master them first will have a huge advantage.
So let’s get started.
-Des
Thursday, May 7, 2009
FYI
Am I crazy for wanting to "talk" with someone at 12:37am because I feel so alive with conversation and thought? I am craving conversation. Laughter. Interaction. Even if only for 5, 10, 15 minutes. I can't shut my brain off. I want to "goof off" with someone right now. I want to be silly and serious at the same time - this very second.
Instead, my only company is the pain eating away at my insides. The best way to describe it is an extreme hunger pain mixed with a lump in my throat, tight chest and burning eyes fighting back tears.
I hear the clock tick, tick, ticking away.
I would love to hear another human's laughter.
-Des
Instead, my only company is the pain eating away at my insides. The best way to describe it is an extreme hunger pain mixed with a lump in my throat, tight chest and burning eyes fighting back tears.
I hear the clock tick, tick, ticking away.
I would love to hear another human's laughter.
-Des
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Plato: Favorite Quotes
- At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. Plato
- Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. Plato
- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato
- Courage is knowing what not to fear. Plato
- Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet. Plato
- You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Plato
- Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others. Plato
- Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. Plato
- Life must be lived as play. Plato
- Love is a serious mental disease. Plato
- Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods. Plato
- People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die. Plato
- The good is the beautiful. Plato
The Curse of Loneliness
The connection between two people is the greatest gift there is. If you are blessed to have a solid connection in your life. One true best friend. You are a lucky, lucky person.
To have that type of daily interaction is unlike any other feeling. A sense of security. Trust. Understanding and pure joy.
To enjoy the little things throughout the day with another person is simplicity at its best.
We all need that sort of connection for survival.
Loneliness Quotes:
- "The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved." - Mother Teresa.
- "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." - Dag Hammarskjold
- "Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is." - Unknown
- "Alone, all alone nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone." - Maya Angelou
- "Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good." - John Milton
Loneliness is not necessarily being alone. We may be alone for long periods without feeling at all lonely. On the other hand we may feel lonely in a familiar setting without really understanding why. The best way to begin to understand loneliness is to examine some of the ways people experience it. You may feel lonely when:
- you’re alone and you don’t feel you have a choice not to be
- you feel that you’re lacking attachments you had in the past
- you are facing changes in your life such as a new job, or other changes
- you feel there’s no one in your life with whom you can share your feelings and experiences in a true sense
- your self-perceptions are that you’re unacceptable, unlovable, not worthwhile even if others don’t share those perceptions
What To Do About LonelinessThe alternative to viewing loneliness as a defect or as an unalterable personality characteristic is to recognize that loneliness is something that can be changed. It is also important to know that loneliness is a common experience.
According to a recent national survey, one quarter of all adults experience painful loneliness at least every few weeks. Loneliness is neither a permanent state nor “bad” in itself. Instead it should be viewed more accurately as a signal or indicator of important needs that are going unmet.
You, or anyone, should take action when important needs aren’t being met. Begin by identifying which needs are not being met in your specific situation. Your loneliness may result from a variety of needs. It may involve the need to develop a circle of friends or a special friend.
One thing I know is that the loneliness I have felt/feel will do nothing but motivate me to help other people who are going through this. That will be one of my crusades in life.
Give of yourself to others. Be a true, good friend. There is no better feeling.
-Des
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