For my best friend Devon

This is my best friend Devon, and that is one lucky, beautiful baby, Jillian Marie Gould (daddy Bruce isn't pictured).

As you will see in the below pictures, Ms. Jillian is growing into one beautiful little girl. And can we please have a second for how HAPPY she seems? This baby's face just radiates with joy. I am guessing she knows how lucky she got in the parent department! :)
Devon has been my friend since I was 15 years old. We met at La Salle Academy and survived (sometimes barely) our highschool years. I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. Thinking back, the first really memory I have of Devon is that of an "artsy" girl. She was unique and if I had to use a term that was popular in the 90's, she was "alternative". Words that come to mind when thinking of Devon: mystical, psychic, kindhearted, understanding, warm, nurturing, do-gooder, strong, independent, daughter, sister, lover, mother, humorous, hard working, laid back, non-judgemental, reliable, good listener, motivator, angel and other more unique words like tarot, moon, stars, incense, aura.

I remember Devon always being there for me in highschool. She would call me all the time, and I, being the phone phobic I was, would rarely call back, but she never backed down. She didn't take it personal. She stuck with me. Never gave up. This made me respect and value her friendship more and more. Especially today, as a 32 year old woman.

Devon knows my mother, Elizabeth, met my dad, my brother and most importantly my aunt. She was there for every relationship, especially, Tennille, April and now Melanie. She was always on my side. My true confidant. Back in 94 when my first girlfriend, Tenille, and I broke up, it was the worst pain I had ever experienced. It it wasn't for Devon (and my other friend Billy), I honestly don't know how I would've healed. So many nights we just hung out and talked and/or cried. They comforted me and got me through that dark place. Such love and support. How lucky was/am I? I want Devon to know that I couldn't have made it through without her. I just loved/love and appreciate her so much.

Ah, so many funny stories enter my mind when I think of Devon. One of my favorites involve my great-aunt Rose, who was like a 2nd mother to me and one of my best friends - ever. She knew how much I loved Devon and how close I was and bless her heart, she ALWAYS mixed up the names of my her friend, my friends, family members etc., (it was an ongoing joke in our family).
Case in point...

I had a friend named Maria Marbles - her name became: MARBLES

My (ex) partner of 10 years, April, became - Opie

I myself was called Denise and/or Debbie many times

Her dog Cliff was called CLIT a time or two

But the best in my opinion and the most OFF, yet surprisingly on in many ways, was when she called Devon - WENDY. LOL!!!! She said that is the name that came to mind for Devon because she reminded her of Wendy from the cartoon Casper with her long blond hair.

Now this I could see. Remember, Devon was one of those "artsy" type, psychic/tarot, stars & moons type girls!! And I thnk my aunt had seen the movie where Hilary Duff plays Wendy - so that is quite the compliment if you ask me. My aunt loved Devon. She would always say how much she liked "Wendy" and I would never correct her, because in her mind, that was her name. Too funny. I remember once my aunt talking to me and saying that Devon was a TRUE friend. My mother has said the same as well.

Before I move on from the high school years, let me also just say that Devon was there for every band concert I was ever in. As a tomboy, feeling like you have a "groupie" is quite appreciated and great for the ego! :-) She supported me on the level a parent should. She would show up with her little "clan", sit in the front row and cheer me on. I don't know if I ever expressed it enough back then, but THANK YOU for that boost of confidence Dev. It was so needed and helped me SO much. I truly appreciated that support.

Another thing too is how much time I use to spend over Devon's house. I can't count the times I would be asked to stay for dinner. I use to love sitting around the table with Dev and her mom, Marie, and little sister Lauren. Devon's mom was the first adult I felt comfortable enough to come out to. I was 17 years old! They were just so open and accepting. It was wonderful. We use to have so much fun - just sitting around and talking. You learn so much about each other and yourself but just SITTING and TALKING sometimes. Its one of my favorite things to do. To hang out and have deep, soulful conversations. I met Devon's father, brother and grandmother as well as uncles and other friends. I did feel like part of the family. As much as "my personality" and "issues" would allow me to. They always accepted me - for me.

Some memories from Devon's house: Her mom in her green (or blue?), ER, nurse scrubs. The distinct tone of her mom's voice and laughter and the way she always made me feel welcome & comfortable in her house. The way her mom TALKED and listened to me. Her mom's advice and laid back attitude. The friendship and love between Devon and her mom. Devon's mom always being so generous and feeding me! LOL! She would bring home take out many nights such as Chinese or KFC. These ladies fed me a lot! LOL! Devon's distinct, adorable laugh and the way she would look at me with a look of amusement/confusement and love, Lauren lying in the living room floor, eating cheese macaroi, watching 'The Mask'. Devon's basement where she would tell me ghostly stories that made my eyes tear up with fear but also caused 100% intriguement! I remember being over Devon's house and watching her clean and clean and clean. She was like a 2nd mommy to Lauren, picking her up and dropping her off places. She was just SO KIND and GOOD to everyone. What a beautiful person Devon is. I remember cats. I remember a nice, big back yard. I just remember feeling at home.

One of my favorite memories is just TALKING and LAUGHING with Devon. It didn't matter where we were or what we did, we always talked and laughed. We just had/have that connection.

Then, like most things in life, things changed. After graduation Dev and I kept in touch for a few years and then would lose touch for a year or two and then found each other again. It had been awhile since Dev and I had spoken and then one day in May, 2002, I get this random card from Devon saying she missed me and had been wanting to write for some time but something inside told her that she HAD to get in touch with me at THIS time. What Dev didn't know was that my aunt had passes away a week or so before that letter. Wow. Amazing? Yup. Psychic? You bet you ass. Since 2002, Dev and I really never LOST TOUCH again. I mean, we didn't see each other as much as we'd like - but we did stay in constant touch, one way or another. Much of the "not seeing each other" thing was my doing. I went through a bad case of social anxiety/phobia in my mid/late 20's. I missed out on so much. But Dev always accepted it and never made me feel bad. Not for one second.

From 2002-2006 a lot has happened to both of us. Many good and many bad things. breakups, sickness, money issues and on the flip side new love, marriage, rejuvenated health, the birth of Devon's first child, purchase of a new house, moving forward etc.,.

Through it all, Dev and I still kept in contact and that brings us to today.

Since last weekend I have been going through something very new and scary to me. I use to think I was depressed before but there was always "just enough" to keep my head above the water. This time, I am bopping up and down in the water. I think for the first time ever, I am truly depressed and need serious help. All my life circumstances have caught up with me and I just can't "take it" anymore. I am broken apart in more ways that I think anyone could truly understand, that is, beside Devon. I wrote the most heart-felt PLEE of my life on Saturday Aug 2nd and posted it on my blog. I didn't get the responses I had hoped for, not until Devon sent me EXACTLY what I needed. A reminder of the person I am. She wrote about how much she loved me. How good a person she thinks I am. How important I am to her. She thanked me for being there for her throughout the years. Her letter not only made me cry, it made me smile and feel some sense of happiness inside. I felt THIS person TRULY cares about me. I say that because Devon is more about action than just words. In her email she didn't just spew out "words" to me, she through out a solution - like "dragging my ass" out of the house and "not taking no for an answer". She threatened, in a loving way, to be more "pushy" with me and we already have plans to get together next Tuesday night. I love actions. Actions is what = love. Devon proves she "loves" me over and over again. I wish I could post the email for you all to see, but that would be a little too personal to share with you all. All I can say is it is the most heart-felt, loving letter I have ever gotten in my entire life - from anyone. Here is a new mother, wife and full-time worker and yet she found the time to sit down and write this beautiful letter to HELP ME. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Yet again Devon was intuned to me and what I NEEDED. I needed some TLC, some kindness. I needed to hear how much and why I matter. I honestly through I would hear from more people, but again, Devon is more about the action and she will always have my love and respect because of that.

I want this blog to be a dedication to my dear friend. My best friend. The closest thing I have to a sister. My Devon.

Devon, I love you and I appreciate you. I am happy for all your good fortune and wish you nothing but continued happiness.
I want to be the best friend you ever had in your life. I not only want this, but I need it. I need to feel connected to people and what better people are there, than your family. Your Bruce. Your Jillian. Your mother and sister. I love you guys. I sincerely love you guys. You have always opened your arms to me Devon and for the first time ever ------- I am jumping in. I am not ashamed. I crave that interaction and acceptance. So thank you. Thank you for being my best friend and for PROVING that you will be there for me. Actions speak louder than words and Devon both your words and actions speak wonders to my heart.

From the pit of my soul, THANK YOU.

I love you,

Love,

Des