Validation

Validation is a good thing.

I was on one of the Borderline Personality Disorder boards and came across this letter someone wrote and I was amazed at how much it hit home!!!

Let me also add how amazesd I am at "the seduction", "clingy" and "hater" stages I have learned about.

"I Hate You, Don' Leave Me." and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." have been two of the best books I've ever read. Period.

Sigh.....It does break my heart though because even when a person with BPD does have someone they love and loves them back, they will ultimately sabatoge it and keep repeating the same patterns.

Love, TRUE love, is NOT EASY to find. So many people with BPD just toss it away when the feelings become too overpowering or the person doesn't live up to their unrealistic expectations.

Feeling loved and being loved are two very different things. I feel loved when my dog jumps up on me, but to BE loved is to be BE loved through good --- and bad. To not abandon someone. I am loved when I see my dog running to me, in a crowd of people ---- I am who he really feels close to, I am his "mom". THAT is love. He may play with other people in the group, lick their faces, run after a toy ------ and that may make someone FEEL LOVED, but in the end, he wants to be next to me -- he chooses me. That is BEING loved.

Anyway ---- interesting letter from the message board.....


Re: Today is a bad day......

 Susan,

we obviously have very similar situations.

I feel that my BPD ex (subconsciously at least) does not mind the obvious power

he has over me now - he sees that I'm devastated and feeling awful, and all

because of him, I think it empowers him and on some level makes him feel good in

a perverse way because during all our years he was feeling inadequate and not

"up to me", even though I made it clear million times that I loved him and chose

to stay with him and wanted him etc etc. So now he has the upper hand, and has a

very obvious proof (my love, care and dedication during years were apparently

not enough) that I care for him and that he's wanted.





> My BPD ex is living a role right now where I don't exist. That's how she's

able to move on so quickly, like your ex. That's how they're able to give us

breakup "advice." They simply are not going to let themselves be hurt by this.

They will thrive.



This is so true. That is what hurts me enormously. I am erased from that life -

and how could I erase him?? How could I erase 10 years of my life? He's

everywhere I go, he's with me whatever I do, because he was the big part of my

life. I cannot forget that overnight.

They compartmentalize - put us (and others) in a different "folder" and that's

it. You're not my partner anymore, and that's it. Moved on.

But the fact that we cannot do that only means that we are emotionally sane and

functioning, and those are normal reaction to a big loss. We feel negated as

persons. And all our efforts to be with those people seem wasted. It hurts.

But grief as any emotion has its course and at some point it recedes, so I am

counting on that. I know it can take a long time though.



My ex also had a bad childhood. I met his parents (divorced) and when you see

how they are it's not hard to imagine how they could screw up their kids (they

did, royally). From what he told me how he was treated and how his parents

treated each other, it makes sense that he has learned how to survive by taking

himself out of the situation mentally and emotionally.

He's admitting that his parents "screwed him up" in many ways and is resentful

about it, but he's denying the real problem - his BPD. He thinks he's only ADD

person and that's it.

I am so tempted to talk to him about BPD, but I'm afraid it could just make

things worse and not amount to anything.



Of course, I too am longing to be able to say "FUCK YOU" when he starts with his

ego trips and dismissing everything that pertains to myself and not care

anymore. I hope I will be able to at some point.



I understand a lot about him and about myself. I know all the theory why things

happened and why I feel the way I feel now, and what I should do... I am trying.

I write about it here. Even if I am repeating the same things, it's doing

something...



I am sure that it's possible to overcome this and still have happiness in our

lives.



all the best to you S! and all of us here...