I get it...

NEWS ALERT! I AM JUST LIKE YOU!

Anyone who really knows me understands that I am passionate about body image. I think people, women especially, should accept their bodies the way they are meant to be and stop judging themselves on the size of their waist. I do believe this with everything in me.

However....

Something just hit me. When I am dishing this advice out, I truly believe it but never quite realized I didn't feel this way about -- myself. When I look at other people I never judge them on their weight. I think people are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. With that said, I realize I am extremely critical of myself and my body. Not necessarily my waist size (size 12), but my breast size. Is this because I want to look skinnier? I am not sure. Is it because I wish I was shaped more like a boy? Getting warmer.

I am a tomboy. I embrace my boyish side. I like men's (more girly) type clothes. I like men jeans. Shoes. Hairstyles. Colognes. Everything that, say, a gay boy might like. So I think what I am identifying as is a (gulp!) gay boy. Now, let's think about that. It seems just like women, many gay men have a body complex/weight issue. They want their body to look a certain way. This is where I fall under. Shit. Fuck. Crap bastard.

I don't want a six pack or abs of steel - not at all. But what I do want is a smaller chest. My chest makes me look bigger than I am. It makes my shoulders look broader. It makes my shirt stick out. It makes me have to wear larger sized shirts. And quite honestly, for whatever reason, it sucks. I hate it. I cringe every time I see pictures with my chest in it.

Do I like breasts? Hell yes! I think breasts are beautiful --- just --- not --- on --- me.

Do I wish my breasts were completely gone? Nope. Do I wish they were considerably smaller. Oh God, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I take pictures I try to avoid my breasts. If I could take shots from the breasts up and waist down - I would be happy. But I choose to (usually) avoid breasts shots. They make me feel uncomfortable. They don't match WHO I AM inside. I would be that "average size" man. The size 32/34 waist gay guy who wore a medium or large shirt and had a soft belly.

If my breasts weren't there -- I would look my REAL size. Instead I look much larger in pictures than I actually am. I hate that. Why do I hate that????? I HATE THAT I HATE THAT...lol. WTF? I can't seem to win, can I? Oyie.

So like most things in my life it is a catch 22. I hate being critical of my body and I hate it when other people do it to themselves and yet, here I am, just like y'all, critical of myself. Why do we do this to ourselves?

The thing that really irks me is that I am going to keep going to the gym - as long as it takes - to get the body I am comfortable with. SO I GET IT. For the first time, I get it people. I hate it, but I GET IT.

I don't approve of women (or men) beating themselves up over their body image, but I SINCERELY GET IT. I am one of you. I am the same way. I am a lesbian with a body image issue. I want to have a flatter chest. It is no different than someone who wants a flat stomach, a smaller nose, a smaller butt, better hair, a better smile, to be taller, etc., ---- I GET IT.

I feel disappointed in myself, but this is the truth. I wish I could just accept my body the way it is, but I can't. We always want what we don't have, right?

I wonder if I will ever get to the point in my life where I can look at myself and truly be HAPPY with what I see. Is this even possible???? Does this ever happen to anyone?

With that said, it's time for the gym!

Today is the first day I make a serious effort to get the chest I "THINK" will make me happy. We all know it is deeper than that, but we still do this to ourselves over and over. Make room for one more. I am in. Sigh.

Follow me on this journey.

-Des