Meet My Alter Ego. Confession from a Tomboy.

So I was doing a lot of thinking last night. I am still not over how much fun I had dressing in drag on Halloween. I can't believe 32 years had gone by and I had never purposely dressed as a guy before. Maybe this is because I am ALWAYS a tomboy and dressing more "girly" is weird for me? All I know is that I really liked how I felt. I don't want anyone to think I am having a breakdown...lol...so allow me to explain. I am 99.9% positive I am "gender queer". Seriously. Again, this is different than being transgender. I don't want or need a sex change to feel whole. I sincerely like my women parts. Sure I wish I had smaller breasts, was taller and had more of a boyish shape, but what is underneath my clothes is just fine with me! :) On the outside? Well, that is ANOTHER story.

Everyday I have to deal with the fact that I am not like other girls. I am not shaped like the average girl. My skin isn't like the average girl. My hair isn't like the average girl. My style is definitely not like the average girl. On a daily basis I have to worry about things such as shaving, coverup makeup and fix even the slightest bit of facial hair. Truth be told, it's TIRING. I definitely have more male hormones than female. One look at my face and you can see that. Look at my Melanie and then look at me. We are both Italian. I joke and say she is the "girl" and I am the "boy" --- because our skin / hair is soooo different.
Sigh...lol.

Halloween was SO great for me because a.) I didn't have to worry about "girly" makeup, b.) I didn't have to be so fanatical about facial hair and c.) I was able to express my inner boy.

I was happy to look in the mirror. I was happy to groom myself for the day. I was excited. I liked what I saw.

I know I want and NEED to explore this more. I joked with Melanie last night about joining a male drag group to express my creative side and she almost killed me. I can see her point. I wouldn't want her in some femme show strutting her stuff....with a bunch of tomboyish/butchy/gender queer women looking at her. So here is my goal. I am going to form a music group with other gender queer women here in the New England area. Something that will set us apart from everyone else. A group where we can be ourselves, express it through music and have FUN. If there are any other gender queer women out there, please contact me at

travlgrrl@aol.com. I am located in Rhode Island. I am looking to play Southern-rock, country, folk, rock etc., (think the Ditty Bops, Indigo Girls, Girlyman, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, 3 Doors Down, Dierks Bently, Brad Paisley, Toby Keith, Jimmy Buffett, etc.,)

THE ALTER EGO
I also came to a VERY SERIOUS conclusion that I have an alter ego. I NEED this alter ego. It makes me feel good.

For the first time I am going to share with you the me I envision in my mind. My fantasy. My alter ego. There is the me everyone knows, Desiree, and then the me I so wish I could be --- ON THE OUTSIDE ONLY ---- LOL! Not underneath the clothes!!! RELAX!!! LOL! Just on the outside. I can't stress this enough. When I look at this guy, I see myself. The next time I dress up like a guy, THIS is the look, the alter ego, I will be portraying. If I was in a drag group, THIS is who I would be. THIS type man. THIS type style. When I start my gender queer music group, THIS is the type male I will put forth. I will dress like THIS. Facial hair and all.

I can only hope that IF I was born a male, THIS is who I would look like.

Drum roll please...

;) ;) ;)

EMILE HIRSCH

Why? His style. His hair. His personality. His movie choices. His character in (my favorite movie ever) INTO THE WILD. When I express my boy side, THIS is who I want to be. If I could look like any guy on the outside THIS is who I would want to look like. He is what I would consider a "soft" guy. No big muscles. No "hard" face. Very soft, almost feminine. Yup. This is my alter ego everybody. LOL. For those who know me you may recognize my style is somewhat similar already.

The squirrel? Well, enough said.

Thoughts?

-Des