A tale of the Amish, Jersey Shore, Mom & Me.

So last Wednesday my mother and I ventured out on our GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP - we were ready to SEE THE COUNTRY, HIT THE OPEN ROAD and then, err, somehow we changed all that and decided to visit the Amish and elderly in Atlantic City. Yah. Let's be honest, my mother and I were secretly thinking, "Shit, I sure hope we don't kill each other and turn the other into Amish cheese." Both of use wearily look at the other, smiled and began our adventure (after a 45 minute hug from Melanie and a send off from Elizabeth).

Things started off quite well, music playing (Ditty Bops, Girlyman, Brandi Carlie, Indigo Girls, Classic Rock, Southern Rock etc.,), pee-stops at the numerous travel plazas that run up and down I-95 toward New York, you know, the usual. THEN, woah, THEN, my mother and I switched drivers. See, I have many "seagull shit blessings" bestowed on me, driving over bridges being one of them. For some half-cracked reason I am able to drive over SOME bridges and others scare the IBS out of me. Tappan Zee Bridge in New York is one of them. I had no choice but to switch with my mother. No choice I tell you. My mother, half begrudgingly, gave in with the look of a 16 year old boy in her eye. She knows it is a common rule in our family that "da mama" avoid driving when possible. Elizabeth usually drives, or I. NOT THAT MY MOM CAN'T DRIVE (calm down MA) - it's just many times she doesn't use her blinkers, rear view mirror or side mirrors. My mother pretty much thinks she owns the fucking road. There, I said it. She jokes that she has no sense of direction, I think it is A.D.D. more than anything, but after this trip, I would have to, um, agree. BUT EVEN THAT WOULD BE OKAY - what isn't okay is the side of my mother that comes out when she is "befuddled" (more on that later).

Okay, so my mom is cruising the highway, going close to 90, no lie, and I am looking for anything to grip on to. Of all fucking cars, her's doesn't have a little hand grip on top. Fucking squirrel ball shit puffs. Already I am thinking I am going to have the shits in Amish land. At one point my mom looks at the speedometer and says, with a smile no less, "WOW, I'm going close to 90!" - the look on my face was like I saw someone yack up racoon and then eat it back up. But of course, I had to laugh. My mother IS friggin funny.
We finally make it over the Tappan Zee Bridge and I squeak out that I had to "squirt out" some urine. We take an exit in JOY-ZEEEEEEEEEEE, which OF COURSE, doesn't allow many left turns (it's land of U-turns). Not a good mix for my mom. I don't know what happened but it was somewhere between yelling at my mother to stay to THE LEFT and seeing her bear to THE RIGHT that I saw her transform into fucking 'Mommy Dearest'.

Her cheeks puffed out and vulgarity spewed out as fist pounded the steering wheel. I think I may have blacked out and seen heaven, but of course, I don't remember. Her eyes literally turned RED. Not just any color red, a blood red. Being the Italian I am, I of course told her to "calm the fuck down". Yeah. THIS is why we chose to do a 2-night trip verses a 2 week trip. Both slightly shamed, alarmed, and grateful to have found our way back on the highway, with me now driving, we continued on.

After that awkward silence of like 20-30 minutes, the stress dissipated and we were off to good times in Lancaster County! Yee-Ha! By this point it was POURING out, but the scenery grew increasing more and more gorgeous. Being a city girl, I completely lose myself in country scenery. It mesmerizes me. I love it so much. Seeing corn fields is the most exciting thing in the world to me. Before we knew it we reached our hotel in Elizabethtown, PA. Talk about being in the middle of the country! The Holiday Inn Express we stayed at was practically in a corn field. In my best Rhode Island accent I said to my mom, "This is friggin cool!" ... yup.

There are some simple pleasures in life that I enjoy immensely, one being, checking into a hotel. I love the feeling of walking into a hotel room for the first time. Happy from surviving the ride with my mother, I walk in with a big smile on my face to the most ANNOYED LOOKING, hotel guest service clerk. I don't know how else to explain her except that she looked like Apple Jack Cereal. Like Apple Jacks with some oatmeal with Strawberry Shortcake serving it. Only in an angry, dark, comic-book sort of way. Not a pleasant person at all. She was huffing and puffing and sighing and rolling her eyes and even talked sarcastic to a (gentle) giant of a man! I was appalled. Luckily she was "okay" to me, but wow, that poor thing needs a night at a Comedy Club or something. Instead of ElizabethTOWN they should've called this ElizabethFROWN. A'hem. Moving on.....

The room was very nice, modern, flat screen TV, high speed Internet - not bad for a small Amish town, but we weren't here for this - I WANTED TO SEE SOME AMISH PEOPLE - or at least eat their food! :-D

Driving back toward Lancaster (about 15 minutes away), we stopped for dinner at an "Authentic Amish Smorgasbord", MILLER'S SMORGASBORD. Before I explain dinner, let me explain what I saw, up until this point. Route 30 is in the "heart" of Amish Country, however, THIS IS NOT THE AMISH AREA. You HAVE to get off this highway and head to towns such as, Intercourse (I kid you not), Bird in Hand and (hahahaha) Blue Ball (there are tons of other towns as well - visit http://www.padutchcountry.com/ for more info). Route 30 is lined with tacky tourist attractions like Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park and Dutch Haven Shoo-fly Pie Bakery (which is actually quite cute and their shoo-fly pie is deeeeeeeeeelicious), as well as Target and famous chain restaurant's etc.,. To really experience Amish Country you have to get on Route 340 east toward Intercourse (hehehe) and go down as many SIDE ROADS as you can. You won't get lost, most roads lead back to Route 30 (quick fact - Route 30 East would take you all the way into Philadelphia which is only like an hour away). It was on these side roads that I saw the gentle, kind, friendly Amish people (whom I completely fell in love with). Anyway, back to dinner!

The thing with PA Dutch Country is this --- it reminds me of dollies, knitting clubs, quilt groups, bake-offs and stuff like that. The "average" person I saw there was over the age of 65. Not everyone, but the AVERAGE person. This is what Miller's reminded me of. They had green carpeting and lots of dark brown wood, flower's hanging and a small bake shop and gift shop in the front. You know the type restaurant I am talking about. Not very modern or charmingly retro, just outdated, but consistent (they've won "best smorgasbord restaurant" in the area for many years now). But be warned, they are VERY expensive. Dinner was $21.95. A 2nd option of just meats and bread was $14.95 and their salad bar w/ bread was $9.95. I got the 2nd option and my mom the salad bar, but I FUCKING WANTED THE $21.95 ONE but couldn't bring myself to pay all that money just to have access to the desert bar!!!! I wasn't going to pay that money to only feel guilty after! LOL! I will tell you this --- IT IS WORTH IT! The food was DELICIOUS and for me to say that, trust me, it was. I had roast turkey, baked cheese macaroni, stuffing and raisin bread w/ some white frosting. SO good. My mom had (and puked up, only to make room for more - for those who don't know - she had the "stomach band" thingy which has basically turned her into a bulimic) a delicious salad with all different kinds of pastas such as macaroni, turkey etc., as well as some bread. The quality was top of the line so I can only imagine how the desert was. After dinner we drove around a bit, stopped in some stores, including the "must do" Dutch Haven Shoo-Fly Pie Bakery and then headed back to the hotel.

The next morning both my mother and I felt like kids at Christmas time, but for completely different reasons. My mother lives for one thing ---- taking free stuff, or at least getting her money's worth. I am surprised she was able to sleep as visions of "free" breakfast danced in her head. Like an athlete before a game she was in top form. She had her game plan. She would head down first thing in the morning and grab stuff for (::cough cough::) the two of us and THEN we would go down again before leaving and grab MORE stuff for "later". She was almost giddy as she headed downstairs. I heard a pound on the door about 10 minutes later and saw my mom balancing a bagel, 2 cinnamon rolls, eggs & bacon, possibly toast, roast duckling and Foie Gras. I don't even think she cared what was there (the poor thing can't eat more than a rabbit) but the fact that she could TAKE it meant everything. Oh mom. Before we were to check out, my mother said, at least 74.3 million times, that we should go downstairs and grab something else. We went down and I had some apple juice. My mom made (at least) 10 slices of toast, got some cheese danish and some dish I saw on Iron Chef!? She barely ate anything but wrapped all that darn toast up in a napkin to take back up to the room (which later, on the ride home, she confessed to leaving in the small fridge in the room - I don't know why but this made us laugh so hard we almost peed).

Finally done with the breakfast heist we were FINALLY going to see some Amish countryside. I followed 283 to 340 and there it was! Rolling hills, expansive farm lands, corn field, quilt shops, farmer's markets, horse & buggie's, cute little Amish kids, friendly Amish adults, shoo-fly pies, everything you could hope for and more! Even home-made Rootbeer! It was PERFECT. I recommend this drive to anyone looking to relax and enjoy nature. One of the highlights was stopping in the Farmer's Market in the town of 'Bird-in-Hand'. Not only were their friendly Amish (or meninites) working there, there was was FRESH fruits, veggies, meats, spices and deserts. But most importantly ---- FREE SAMPLES! LOL! My mother and I had never really been to a farmer's market before we were like little kids. My mother's mouth didn't stop since we got there, same with me! We had different kinds of sausage, crackers, cheese, spreads, nuts, deserts --- heck, it was almost like lunch! :-) We bought tons of veggies and I also bought some raisen bread and pretzels (both famous in this area). I thought it was so cool/funny to see the Amish (or were they the damn meninites...so confused..lol) selling their products with pop music playing in the background. Every single person I met was so down-to-earth and friendly. I just loved it all.

The best part, however, was driving down random country side roads. We passed authentic Amish homes and saw laundry hanging everywhere (Friday is laundry day). We saw adorable kids selling corn and home made root beer and adorable farm animals. I swear my mother is like the horse whisperer, only with --- COWS. I was pulled over, taking pictures, when all of a sudden I hear my friggin mother MOOING out her window. There was a heard of sleeping cows in the distance. When she started doing this, one of the cows looked right at her, stood up and pranced her way toward her. I couldn't believe it. This cow totally crushed on my mom. It was the cutest thing ever. I felt bad because it's ear was tagged, which I believe means it was heading for burgers at a smorgasbord! :( Ugh. We continued on and drove past several Amish men in their buggies and some young women in theirs and on scooters (the foot kind). So cute! You aren't suppose to take pictures of the Amish, it is a sign of disrespect, unless if you ask them, but I did manage to capture a couple. I'm a disrespectful bastard apparently! :)

It was truly a great afternoon. We were only 2 1/2 hours from Atlantic City, so we left the area around 3:30pm. It's amazing how much you can do in one afternoon.

I drove for awhile, but, (::suspense music playing::), my mother had to take over because their was a new bridge we'd be crossing (The Ben Franklin Bridge I believe it was called). We were on the Pennsylvania Turnpike when my mother decides to eat a piece of shoo-fly pie.


She had the dish in her hand, with the fork and was feasting on that baby and paying 1-2% attention to the road. Foot at the pedal, she was rearing 90 mph again and swerved off to the right and left several times. I almost looked like Anderson Cooper I was so scared.


But she had to have her desert and the highway wasn't going to interfere with that.

We also had another near-death experience when we missed an exit in Philadelphia, right before the bridge. Holy crap. This is when it really sunk in my mom CANNOT listen or understand directions. I don't mean this is a BAD WAY AT ALL, she will be the first to say it. She panics and forgets what left and right means as well as straight and my favorite, "that way"...lol. But she did it! She got us to Atlantic City in one piece - thanks mom!!!!

Ah, Atlantic City. Really what can I say? You always approach gambling destinations with such hope. That "what if" feeling. That "maybe I will win" thought and 99.9% of the time you leave crushed, defeated and more poor than when you arrived, so why do we keep going back? I have never been a fan of Atlantic City. I am a Vegas girl. I love Las Vegas. I love the scenery, the shopping, restaurants and hotels. Atlantic City IS trying and it is much better than it was a decade ago, but it has a looooooooong way to go. There is a new area with lots of great outlet stores, including a Banana Republic. There are new restaurants such as The Melting Pot, Ruth Chris Steakhouse, P.F. Changs and more. These new areas are incredible and worth checking out. The mega resorts are also worth checking out. The Borgata, Tropicana's Havana section, Harrah's new pool area, Caesar's new shopping area - I mean there are things to see, but of course, my mom and I didn't see any of this! LOL! We checked into our new and quite snazzy Courtyard by Marriott hotel on the Boardwalk. This new hotel, although beautiful, has a lot of snags to work on. The Internet didn't work, the front desk didn't answer their phones, valet lost our ticket, the elevators took forever etc., BUT - the room was gorgeous. I would give it another shot in 6 months or so. I bet if my mother and I did Atlantic City RIGHT we would've had more fun. We should've gotten dressed up and went to a cool restaurant, listen to live music and checked out the NEWER attractions. Instead we went to the old part of the Tropicana and had dinner at 'Corky's BBQ', which I liked, but my mother did not (anything over $10 is crazy to her...lol). Of course the original in Memphis, TN is MUCH better, but their turkey did not disappoint. After we searched for some .25 Wheel of Fortune machines and quickly lost money. Ouch. Not good. At this point my mom was starting to turn into "Mr. Hyde" side. She searched out the penny machines. I, of course, followed. Let me tell you, penny machines can be VERY boring when you put $5.00 in and play 1 penny per pull. Wow. Very painful. But my mother was having fun, err, I think? I occupied myself with text back and forth between friends, one who basically "came out" but I believe went back in!? LOL! These girls, Dawn & Kim, are so hilarious. They almost make me laugh and have a good time. I use to work with them at Liberty Travel and miss seeing them, so this was lots of fun. It made the night go by. I am still not sure what is going on between them....this shall be continued! ;-)

After hours of the penny machine, my mother and I, poor and defeated, headed back to the hotel room. My mom was also sad because the hotel didn't have free breakfast. Sniff. Poor Mama.

The next day we were more angry at Atlantic City. We realized that NO ONE seemed to be winning. There were 90% elderly people around and everything seemed to be 10x more expensive then usual. Do you know they actually charge for valet parking now? $5.00 at Tropicana and get this, $15.00 at Taj Mahal. Wow. Shame on you! :( At one point I stopped in Hard Rock to grab some lunch only to find the chicken and mashed potatoes dinner I get was almost $18.00 (up from $10.50)! What the fuck??? No No No No Nooooooooooooo. I settled for a side salad and my mom settled to watch. lol. Atlantic City was SO disappointing. We went on the boardwalk a bit, which was cool, but kind outdated. The beach was kinda dirty and the vibe of the area just wasn't happening. We lost a bit more money and decided to head home.

I missed Melanie and mom missed Elizabeth. The only difference was Mom was going home to Elizabeth. I was going home to the pets because Mel was in Jersey until Sunday! :( Oh well. It made it all the more intense to see her Sunday night. We hugged just as long as when I left.

I did learn a very important lesson on this trip. A.) I could travel with my mom, yes for short amounts of time, but very cool and I love her very much and B.) for the first time in my life my desire to be HOME and with someone, Melanie, was more strong then my need/desire to Travel. Wow. That's true love. That makes this trip one of the best ever.

Although winning 7.7 million dollars would've been cool! ;-)

Peace,

Des