The Femme Tomboy: November 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Two Months.....

I love my girlfriend.

http://enjoylifejw.blogspot.com/2011/11/2-months-wow-mushy-lovey-dovey-alert.html

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Looking Back Brings me Forward.....

When a person's heart breaks you go into survival mode. If you are strong. Other people break down with the broken heart and find solace in alcohol, drugs or some other self medicating means.

This spring, when my heart was broken, I went into survival mode. I cried. I felt sick. I mourned. I tried to make sense of things, but I never really dealt with the actual sadness I was feeling during the end of my relationship. I dealt with the sadness from the breakup, but not the sadness of the months and months of disrespect I allowed myself to endure.

The photo listed below was taken weeks after the break up. Sometime in June 2011.

This photo embodies all the sadness, confusion and betrayal I felt -- and, I am sure -- anger. Looking at this photo is extremely difficult for me, because I can remember EXACTLY how I felt the moment this was taken. I was worn. Beaten down. I had been heartbroken and sad before, but this was a "too the core" type betrayal and cruelty I had NEVER experienced.

For the first couple of months after a breakup you are in a state of shock. The whole, "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?" thing. Did this person who swore they'd never leave me and would love me forever not only leave but do it in the cruelest way imaginable? Am I really being harassed via email? Are vicious lies really being spread about me? You try to make sense how a person who claimed to love you so much, could hurt you so bad. And what is worse is that after they punch you in the gut -- they continue -- they kick you in the side and punch you in the face - over and over and over again. Black and blue is no red stop sign to them -- it is a green light to keep going.

You don't realize the effect this is having on your psyche when it's happening because all you and your body can focus on is survival. The "I will get through this" process.

I was finally over my ex, truly OVER my ex by August 2011.

This allowed me to open myself up to finding love again. To finding the PERFECT MATCH for me.

The universe led me to my partner, Jennifer.

A beautiful woman whose life has been paralleling mine for many years it seems. Both of us had two very serious relationships. One that lasted 10+ years from age 19-30 and another that lasted 5 years.

Jen and I are compatible on so many levels. The chemistry is off the charts and our mutual interests are limitless. How refreshing to be with someone that makes me feel like that is exactly where they want to be. How refreshing to be with someone who is concerned with their health but not obsessed with the gym or food issues. How refreshing to be with someone who loves music as much as I do and can drives hours on end, music blaring, holding hands and talking. How refreshing to be with someone that can have their interests, as I have mine, and not make me feel that if I don't like what they like, then they will break up with me.

Jennifer is SO....refreshing.

Sometimes you don't realize how dead you were until someone makes you feel so alive.

I was alive but dead inside for the last 2 years of my 5 year relationship with my ex. Especially during the last year.

I lived in constant fear. Fear of being broken up with. Fear of being yelled and sworn at. Fear of being cheated on. Fear of expressing my needs. Fear of not giving into her needs even if they made me uncomfortable. Fear. Fear. Fear. The reason I stayed through all this is because I genuinely loved my ex. With everything in me - I loved her. I did. Regardless of what she has said to me, I like to think she truly loved me too. There were lots of great times mixed in with this madness.

Madness.

What an appropriate word to describe what 2009-2011 was for me. First having my partner move out on me and then sign a lease (for a year) the next day without discussing it with me. Making up only to be "cheated" on less than 2 months later for a brief 4 day whirlwind of confusion that haunted me for the remainder of our time together. Being told "I" was crazy, "irrational", "insecure" blah, blah, blah and then told, "You were right, I have been having feelings for ____insert name here _______ for quite some time." Yeah, this fucks with your head quite honestly. Then to have this person insanely jealous over people you were friendly with and then make up with you 4 days later after the "kiss" incident, and hear them say they could never imagine life without you - REALLY fucks with your head.

Who did I become in that relationship? How could I allow such treatment? Did I accept this because her face was pretty?? No - or maybe?!?!? I did believe her when she apologized and said she needed "help". The way she looked at me when she said she loved me and held, kissed etc., me --- DID make me feel like she loved me.

I should've walked away - for good - in October 2009, but I didn't. I couldn't.

Before long we started talking about moving back in with each other. I thought it was too soon, but after being told that my ex would break up with me if I didn't -- I caved -- and agreed to move to Warren. One of the best choices I ever made (and not because of my partner -- because of Warren itself and my gorgeous apartment).

I tried. God, I tried. I tried to make that relationship work, but my ex was in her own world and chose to not make me a part of it. She distanced herself further and further away from me, until there was nothing left to do but dispose of me and move on to someone else. To have some other need fulfilled. My job position was up.

Breaking up with someone is fine. Painful, but understandable, but HOW you go about doing it.....the MEANS to handling the situation is what matters.

I was abused even AFTER the breakup.

In survival mode I made it through the dark months of (the end of) May, June and July. I made it through by LIVING LIFE even though I was heartbroken. I made it through by the LOVE AND SUPPORT of my family and friends. I had SO many people supporting me. I had an amazing therapist. This all speeded up the process of healing.

I didn't have much time to truly reflect on what had happened prior to the end of the relationship with my ex because no sooner did I step out of survival mode I landed in a new - AMAZING - relationship with, what I believe to be, my forever person. My perfect match.

I had two options. Be stand-offish with this new person I was falling in love with OR open myself up to the relationship and take her along for the ride with me as I healed. Jen, being the type person she is, understanding and supportive, assured me she wasn't going anywhere and understand my situation. This made me OPEN MYSELF to her.

This brings me to where I am today.

Happy. Healthy. In Love. Hopeful. Enthusiastic. Alive.

This doesn't mean I am not still healing (hence this blog post). Nope. I find the more peaceful I become with my life, the more memories creep up and slap me in the face.

I am starting to see my ex like so many others did while we were together.

She really DID say those things to me.

She really DID move out, sign a lease, get back with me, break up to "kiss"? some other woman, get back with me, ask me to move in, threaten me with breakups if I didn't give in to what she wanted, scream/yell/curse at me, make me feel unappreciated, unimportant, needy, insecure, too emotional, etc.,

She really DID leave the front porch light on, candles out, incense, scissors and eyeliner on the counter in the bathroom for me to find when I returned home from Martha's Vineyard after being broken up by text and being told, hours before, that she "missed and loved me."

She really DID spread vicious lies about me. She really DID say she hated and never loved me even though her first sentence in the breakup text read, "Desiree, I love you so much."

She really DID fuck with my mind and emotions.

She really WAS the type person capable of doing this.

She did warn me a week earlier that I didn't have a clue to what she was capable of.

I do now.

How those eyes lied to me. Her smile mocked me. Her arms embraced someone she (maybe) secretly harbored jealousy and contempt for. Her lips kissed someone she would later stab not only in the heart -- but in the back.

I will never understand why, nor do I care to.

I just need to cleanse myself of the shock and disappointment I have in myself for allowing this type treatment for as long as I did.

No face is worth that pain. That type abuse.

No face.

This picture reflects the ME I am TODAY.

I am HAPPY and IN LOVE and ALIVE.

I will never go back to being abused, taken for granted, unappreciated, lied to, mocked -- never.

So, to my ex, I'd like to thank you for teaching me exactly what I I don't ever want again.

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Femme Tomboy

Not too long ago my girlfriend wrote what being a tomboy femme meant to her. You can find that post on her blog: Riot Grrl (http://www.enjoylifejw.blogspot.com).

I realized I never quite explained what being a femme tomboy meant to me. Exactly what do I mean when I tell people I am a femme tomboy?

Here goes....

* I appreciate femininity in a woman. I am not attracted to butch type woman (very manly). I prefer medium length/long hair. I like a woman who isn't afraid of dresses/heels (like I am), makeup and smelling good. A woman who also doesn't mind "getting her hands dirty" and carry's her femininity over to when she is in casual clothes. I am NOT talking "girly/girl" --- I mean a woman who is feminine yet strong.

* I will never wear a dress, heels, makeup or nylons because I truly would feel like I was in drag, however, I don't mind low-cut sweaters/blouses, pretty colors, cover-up/blush, perfume/cologne, and wearing my hair a length that is "just feminine enough".

* I only shop for men's clothing. Strike that. GAY men's clothing. The clothes I wear are truly gender neutral. I buy pink MEN's sweater's. Pretty blue MEN shirts. If a (feminine) gay man would like it --- chances are, so would I. I do shop for pants/jeans in the woman's dept and have several woman's sneakers. I am VERY careful NOT to buy "butchy" type clothes. I like being a woman. I am VERY womanly. I am just --- a tomboy! ;)

* I feel I was most likely a 1940's stay-at-home-wife-homemaker in another lifetime. I love to clean, bake, shop and decorate. I know NOTHING about plumbing, electrical stuff, car issues, carpentry and will run and scream if I see a bug.

* I would kill the bug that scares me if my girlfriend was afraid. That is when the BOY comes out in my TOM! ;)

* I don't like confrontation and am attracted to more of an aggressive type personality, however, I will protect and defend my partner until my last breath.

* Woman's lingerie makes me blush. I find it very sexy. It is something I could personally never wear but get weak in the knees when others do.

* I love having my partner lay her head on my shoulder or rest her head on my lap.

* I love opening the door for my partner and feel shy/awkward when it's done for me, but appreciative.

* I love when my partner crosses her legs or sits on my lap as these are things I would never feel comfortable doing.

* I am very emotional and can cry/laugh at the drop of a hat. I have no problem expressing my emotions/feelings and am attracted to others who are able to do so as well.

* I love hanging out with my "straight girlfriends" who make me feel like the "gay guy best friend!"

* For bed I love wearing gym pants, sweatshirts, boxers and t's. I will never wear anything frilly, however, I try to match my clothes just in case there is an emergency and we need to leave the house right away.

* I try to match my undies to the shirt I am wearing.

* I take roughly an hour to get ready in the morning.

* I take roughly 15 minutes to get ready before bed.

* I love romance and get all giddy over sweet-little-things.

* I feel awkward giving flowers but don't mind giving them. Tulips are my favorite.

* I prefer grilling to cooking indoors.

* I love romantic comedies and dislike action/adventure.

* I find a woman who can fix a car, kill a bug, move and/or assemble furniture and take initiative extremely sexy! ;)

* I LOVE muscle cars and think a cross country road trip with my girlfriend and music blearing would be a dream come true.

* I compare myself more to men than woman --- unless she is Ellen Degeneres...lol. Damn that woman has some cool sneakers and ties! ;)

* I can appreciate a good looking man and have no problem gushing over men, however, I find it more difficult and disrespectful to my partner to do the same over a woman. With men it is an "admiration" -- a quality I would like for myself. With woman it would be just because I find them hot. Period.

* When my partner flirts with me I lose all sense of control and forget how to speak and find it almost impossible to make eye contact. It drives me wild ---- and I love it!

* I love a woman who takes care of herself. Emotionally and physically. I don't care what the person's weight is -- as long as they truly take an interest and care about themselves.

* I love a woman who can show her vulnerable side and make me feel needed.

* I love being flirted with by my partner.

* As much as I would like a smaller "chest", I must say, I am quite fond of my cleavage.

* I only wear what I consider to be "girly flannel" - lol.

* I love to flip a scarf. Nothing like a good scarf flip.

This pretty much sums everything up. Basically I am probably more girly on the inside then those woman who appear more feminine on the outside.

I have always been drawn to "softer type" guys as well. The whole "brawn" thing does nothing for me, so obviously it wouldn't in woman either. Make sense? :)

Yeah. I'm just a tomboy or as lyrics from my song "Straight Girls" goes: "I'm just a girl who likes a girl who wears a skirt."

;) ;)

How to Stroke an Ego - Lesson # 1

Here is an excerpt from an article I found about "how to flirt with a butch".

Now let me first say: a.) I am in a happily, committed relationship with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with and b.) I am not, never will be and have never considered myself to be "butch". With that said, this article can still apply to tomboy's like myself and, well, pretty much anyone else when it comes to the fine art of flirting.

I truly got a kick out of this and found myself smiling and saying: "YUP!" a lot of the time! ;)

I guess all that is to say, that you may be gorgeous and perfectly stating your case but we might still blow it. We want you, but the words just don’t make it out because you are just too damned hot and we are temporarily… well retarded. Women do that to us from time to time. Anyhow if you wanted to hit on me in any setting, here is what you do. Come up to me with a smile and cheerfully say hello. Tell me your name. Ask me my name. Compliment me or comment on something I am doing or holding. Don’t ask me for help with any type of task because I will think our conversation is functional. I will not assume you are hitting on me. Ask me my opinion on something you are about to buy and I will assume you are hitting on me. If you are wearing something rainbow, yes I will notice it but not all straight girls know what the rainbow means. Worst case scenario you could just ask me out or even tell me you are a femme and it is hard to meet butchies like me so you just wanted to come up and say hello and see if I would like a new friend.

Yes there are straight butches but they are more rare than high femme lesbians. It is not likely you are running into one of those. Don’t be forward, just be honest and sweet and I will notice. If it was me, this is what I would want. There is plenty of time to play hard to get in the butch/femme mating dance. If you play it in the beginning, you likely will end up at a dead end faster than you know it. However, if you don’t mind being the aggressor at first then you might just find the butch you want.

If none of this works then just chalk it up to the fact that the butch you thought you wanted is a weenie and probably couldn’t handle your sexy self anyway. If I was single and a woman came up to me saying those things and I found her attractive I would definitely capitalize on it. Then you can play hard to get when I am trying to bed you down. There is no rule that just because you show a butchie that you are interested in getting to know them means you want to sleep with them. And just because you are a femme does not mean a butch will be attracted to you. Femmes flirt with and hit on me all the time whether I am single or attached but that does not mean I am interested in them either. They may just not be my type physically or spiritually. Just because femmes are rare does not mean I am so desperate that I will jump at the first femme who shows me interest either. I am a good catch too ya know. I am sure many butchies feel just like I do. And if they are desperate, then that’s a mess you just don’t want to touch.

If you are femme you are like a chameleon. You blend into the scenery as something you may not be. Sometimes you might just have to purposely change your colors to stand out and be noticed. And by that I don’t mean change your physical appearance. But for fucks sake speak up and let a butchie know you are there! We notice the ones who do.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Lez-Be-Honest

Blogs are funny. They are meant to be an avenue of expression. A place where you can be OPEN and HONEST and CREATIVE, but I wonder just how many people actually do that?

We all know people are going to read our blog. People including family and friends. This causes an automatic filter to go up. We try to word things appropriately instead of just letting lose and writing exactly what we want to say (be it curse words, serious emotions, anger etc.,).

I try to write blogs that express exactly what I am feeling, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I filter myself. Ugh. This drives me crazy.

I would love to just type every word, thought, feeling without filtering myself. Maybe, in time, I will. How liberating would that be?

I can give it a practice run:

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Mind racing with thoughts. Stomach unhappy with several food choices made. Heart heavy with worry and burdensome thoughts. Replay of happy and sad times. Thought of family members I haven't seen in awhile. Lots of worry going on in my mind last night about finances - work - business woe's. I felt hot and then cold. Arm fell asleep. The quiet was so loud I almost wanted to blear music. Went to bed around 12am. Woke up at 3am. Tried to sleep. Woke up at 4am. Thinking about updating web site, promoting my business, writing reviews, working on price quotes ---- staying afloat. Tight chested. Then I felt gratitude and peace and love and happiness and snapped out of the worry and felt relaxed again.

I was up and working by 7:30am and back in bed with a pounding head and unhappy tummy at 10am. I was back up at 11am writing reviews and working on my web site. Tried to turn off the thoughts to clean. Turn off the thoughts to re-decorate my office. Turn off the thoughts of everything else but --- work. I was pretty successful I am happy to say.

I wanted to get my hair cut but work took top priority today so I will wait until Monday. When my hair reaches a certain length/thickness I become disturbed....lol. Hair and bridges ---- stress.

I had a cupcake for breakfast and regret for lunch.

There is so much I want to be doing right now. Did I mention cleaning? Taking Reed for a long walk. I hate days where all I do is sit and work. I need and crave activity.

It's amazing the amount of work I do and the lack of financial freedom I feel.

Again. Worry.

But -- each year is about re-invention. Both personally and work wise. I will re-invent Out & About Travel. It will grow and be better than ever. Failure isn't an option when it comes to my business. I may have tough times but that only teaches me what I am doing wrong and points me in the right direction. Out & About Travel is the thing I am most proud of in my life. I can't control life situations that have pushed it aside at times, but it is always with me and has always "had my back" --- It is one of my true loves.

So today I am feeling antsy, worried yet enthusiastic, feeling like I desperately need a hair cut, craving healthy food and gallons of water, feeling the need to be active, trying to drown out the sad/worrisome thoughts and focus on the love and good fortune I have been blessed with.

A nice, fat commission check would make me even happier if I am being honest here....

But peace of mind, love and peace truly makes me the HAPPIEST.

How is that for honesty?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sad Echo

Let me start by saying that I harbor no hate or resentment toward anybody on this day before Thanksgiving 2011. No. I have made peace with the cards this year has dealt me and my heart has mended from the pain and shock of the spring. With that said do I have an echo of sadness somewhere in the back of my heart and mind? Yes. The question is why? I am clearly in love with a beautiful, wonderful woman. I have amazing friends and family and I sincerely love my life. I am happy in ways I never thought would be possible. I was pretty convinced last spring that this holiday season would be the worst of my life, and that couldn't be further from the truth.

So what is this echo of sadness and slight ache I feel in my heart coming from? I am searching desperately for a way to express it.

You know when you care about an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs? You know that the person and situation isn't good for you and that you need to remove yourself from it, but you are haunted, in a sense, with the sadness for "them" and what they must be going through to be self destructing and causing so much pain in others lives, many times without regret. This is the best way to describe what I am feeling.

I was hurt bad this spring by someone I TRULY cared about and loved deeply. Someone I believed in and supported. I thought I would die and that my life would never be "okay" again. It wasn't just the end of a relationship that hurt me, it was HOW it was done and the AFTERMATH that just kept knocking me out. I can remember saying to my therapist, family and friends that someone really must be "hurting" inside to cause so much pain to someone so carelessly. With no regrets. No remorse. No concern for THEIR actions. I was always making excuses for the treatment I was receiving.

Well...up until the end of July/early August that is.

That is when I WOKE UP and finally "got it" ------ even if a person is struggling with personal issues, they still have control over their ACTIONS each second of every day. We consciously choose whether or not to hurt someone. If we can "act okay" in one situation, then we should be able to "act okay" (and respectful) in ALL situations, especially to those who simply loved and supported us.

Bottom line is --- there is and will never be an excuse for how I was treated.

The second I accepted this, I was able to truly move on and find happiness again.

But what that left me with is a "sad echo" for a person I feel concern for. This doesn't mean anything except that.

The more fortunate I feel with my life and the security and love that surrounds me, the more I feel an ache for anyone who isn't fortunate enough to have what I have.

It is just who I am. I cannot help it.

I wish I could turn the echo off and "forget" -- but I can't.

I remember the goodness in people more than the bad.

This could be one of the reasons I get hurt so easily or am an easy target for people who need to hurt others to feel some sort of release inside from their own inner turmoil.

I look around and I feel SO BLESSED. Did I think I would be where I am this Thanksgiving LAST Thanksgiving? No. However, the funny thing is, I can't even REMEMBER what I did last Thanksgiving. I am sure I wasn't made to feel as special as I do this year. I am sure I wasn't made to feel important, valued, loved and adored. From my family and friends? Sure! But from the person I thought I'd be with forever? No. Life's whispers.

This year I am finally with someone I feel is with me simply because they love me. It isn't because I am "what they need" right now or that I "serve a purpose" for their advancement. Nope. It is because this person just. loves. me.

I have chemistry AND I have a genuine friendship. Who knew???

This Thanksgiving is turning out to be one of the best of my life.

A loving partner. A cozy apartment. Loving family, friends and pets.

And....
The ability, after all the pain and hurt, to forgive and feel the "sad echo" - momentarily - before stepping out of those thoughts.......and back into happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving.