The Femme Tomboy

I should be writing, right?

2012-01-26T15:46:00.000-05:00

Writing! Writing! Writing!

I have so much writing I want to do. Both for work and personal.

I need to catch up on reviews from this summer/fall for www.gaytravelinformation.com.

Reviews for such places as: Harbor Inn on Martha's Vineyard, Spruce Point Inn-Boothbay Harbor, Maine, Le Capitole - Quebec City, Fairmont Chateau Frontenac - Quebec City. A review on 'Winter Rendezvous Stowe, VT gay ski week'.....numerous restaurant reviews....ahhh!! All so overwhelming, but exciting.

I still can't believe the opportunities www.gaytravelinformation.com has provided me since March 2011! It just keeps getting better and better. Everything from concert, restaurants, hotels, haunted inns, special events etc., -- I am so blessed when it comes to this and so happy to have someone in my life who enjoys it as much as I do!

I can't believe I am going to be staying at The Ice Hotel in Quebec City next month! AN ICE HOTEL!!!!! Holy crap. Not only is this exciting, but the fact that we will be there during Quebec's famous Winter Carnival! Oh, and the weekend before Valentine's Day. Wow.

Everytime I feel stressed about selling travel or ads for www.gaytravelinformation.com, I have to remind myself of all these amazing perks work provides me with. The presitge Out & About Travel has gained which affords me these opportunities.

There is just so much to write about.....

Jen and I are planning a 2+ week road trip right around my birthday cross country! Her first time! How exciting is that?

I could write about how much I love going dancing lately.

I could write about how much I love playing pool.

I could write about how excited I am about our Super Bowl party and the fact that The Patriots are in it!!

I could write about all the exciting things I have up my sleeve next month! ;) (hehehehe)

I could write about the terrible food poisonig incident Jen had from Toby Keith's restaurant.

I could write about how much fun we are having watching the 'Dawnson's Creek' series DVD set that Jen bought.

I could write about the Prom Party we have planned for May.

I could write about how I re-connected with my first girlfriend from high school, Tennille, on Facebook and how wonderful that has been.

I could write about how big my niece Angel is getting and how well she talks and carries on conversations now!

I could write about all my exciting plans for Out & About Travel and Gay Travel Information.

I spend the day writing.

Whether it be to update my web site, work on my blog, email clients back, play on Facebook, Tweet, write personal blogs, reviews etc., ---

I write, write and write some more.

It's all about expression.

I am sure one day soon I will sit and write about all of the events that have been going on in my life.

Until then, I will just say that.....

I am happy and so very blessed.

Now.....

2012-01-22T11:45:00.002-05:00

What's On My Mind

2012-01-13T09:13:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could write a blog post that really resonates with someone. Whether it be the shy tomboy, or the beautiful woman who thinks she is too "fat", or the person afraid to follow their dreams. I wish I could write the words to make people realize how beautiful and special they are. How money isn't everything. How people really do forgive. How true love never dies. How everything happens for a reason. How the pain you may be feeling this very moment will someday be replaced with joy.....and vice versa. How to appreciate the people in your life each second because you never know when you won't have them any longer. I wish I could say something that would resonate with people to be kinder to their pets and pets in general. To not abuse an innocent child.....or anyone. That the cruel words that slip from your mouth hurt more than any type bruise. That the voice inside your head telling you that you aren't "good enough" or "smart enough" or "attractive enough" is false.....especially to the person who will meet and fall in love with you. That we all make mistakes and sincere apologies always have positive results. I wish I could wrap my arms around someone crying right now and say the right words to make them laugh. I wish someone was wrapping their arms around me right now and making me laugh. I wish I could look into the eyes of people I loved and have lost one more time and have my actions speak louder than words. Yes. I wish there was something I could write to make people...."get it". That we have the power to push people closer to us........or further. Each choice we make, each second of the day, goes into our "pot of life" and has repercussions. That it is very easy to change the intensity of love. The intensity of friendship. The intensity of a family bond. Our actions either pull us closer or push us further. Problem is many people don't stop and think before they act. We fail to stop and think before we speak.

I wish there was a way to make people realize how each second counts. Each action counts. How do you choose to live your seconds? Pulling people toward you or pushing them away?

Life changes second to second......if your lucky, for the better.

Then people always act dumfounded when things change for the worse, when, we, in our own way...created that reality.

If how you have been doing things hasn't worked in the past? Why repeat these things?

Change.

Its possible.

Pull people toward you. Think before you act or speak.

It will make a difference in your life.

In your life pattern.

I wish there was a way to help people have......no regrets.

Time for more FUN Dance Music!

2012-01-11T10:12:00.001-05:00

Something Exciting is Brewing....

2012-01-10T15:08:00.001-05:00

So I am up to ~~"no good",~~ oops, I mean GOOD right now! ;-) VERY GOOD.

I have a surprise planned that will shock the socks off of a footless person!?!?

No one has been able to figure out what I have "up my sleeve" ...and even if they did, I won't break! lol!

All I can say is that it is a very good and exciting thing. A ballsy thing and something people may not ever thought I'd be "brave" enough to do.

2012 is all about leaping into life and eliminating fear (to the best of someone's ability).

CLUES:

Tiger
Hand warmer
Stop & Shop
Donna Ricci-Etchells
Holidays
Buzz Lightyear
New Balance Shoes
Adivan
Train
Jimmy Buffett
Jambalaya
Fuck
Sue Ellen (from TV show "Dallas")
Woody
Mechanical Bull
Pelican
Sunset
Nighttime
Lesbians
Immodium
Mullets
April Swartz
2012
Handbags
Providence
Rock Band
White
Key West
Orb
Frostbite
Hot
Heat
A/C
Straight Face
Laughter
Ruby Slippers
April Fools Day
:-P

It's going to be an amazing year.....just wait and see!

Healthy Jealousy Exists!

2012-01-05T12:49:00.005-05:00

Jealousy

Jealousy is usally associated with something negative. Rightfully so because most times it is.

To be envious or enraged over something or someone is a scary emotion especially if you are the object of such envy and rage.

But, small doses of jealousy can also be......sexy.

I have never been a jealous person as far as materialistic items go.

I have always trusted my partners.

I never look at someone and feel anger for their good fortune.

In relationships I know what it is like to be with a partner that points out people looking at you with almost a proud smile and pat on the back to being in a relationship where my partner threatened physical harm (usually in a joking/silly manor) on anyone that slightly came across as flirtatious.

Both of these are wrong and unhealthy, but somewhere in between is something VERY healthy and, in my opinion, needed in a sustaining relationship.

There have been several times in my life where I have been courted or was the object of someone's "crush". Even if the feelings weren't reciprocated on my part, it sure felt GOOD knowing someone was attracted to me both on the inside and out. Male and female and I, like everyone else, have also had my fair share of crushes. Some reciprocated and some not.

When you are in a relationship with someone where there is mutual attraction and chemistry it is the best feeling in the world. What could be better than knowing someone desires you and feels grateful to have you in their life?

All too often, as the years go by, and the relationship loses it's "newness" we start to take each other for granted. We think, "They'll never leave me." -- blah, blah, blah. When this happens the romance dies, sex often disappears and once "hot" lovers turn into best friends or worse.....siblings (yuck).

Don't get me wrong! There is something extremely beautiful about familiarity and reaching that comfort point with your partner where you know you are loved and accepted regardless of, well, anything.

HOWEVER.....

It is also during this transition when people start "getting the itch" and "wandering eye". Why? Because they are no longer getting the attention from their partner they once were.

Some people are okay with the monotony and almost prefer it, I, however, and many others....am not.

There is a quote I can't quite remember but it is along the lines of:

"Find the person who is afraid of losing you and reminds you how lucky they are to have you each day."

This doesn't mean, LIVING IN FEAR YOUR PARTNER IS GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU (double yuck), this means having someone who never takes you for granted and helps "keep the fire burning."

How does this happen?

Mostly with TRUST, of course and.......a healthy dose of jealousy, which, if expressed correctly can be quite sexy.

When I say a healthy dose of jealousy can be healthy I do NOT mean:

* Jealous of one's friends.

* Jealous of one's job.

* Jealous of one's relationship with their parents.

* Jealous of one's achievements.

* Jealous of one's appearance.

....NOTHING like that.

What I DO mean is:

* A sense of that person "belonging" to you (i.e. "my ____insert partner's name here____") -- Feeling like that person is "all yours" can be quite sexy.

* Sensing the other person's need for attention and always meeting that need --- can be sexy.

* Knowing that regardless of any sort of advances by strangers that the person is completely faithful and "yours".......is sexy.

* Knowing that your partner desires you and finds you attractive and appreciates what they have and vice versa....is sexy.

* Knowing that you are your partner's type and vice versa and reminding them of this -- is sexy.

Do you follow me? :)

We all want to feel "claimed" in a sense. We are want to "mark our territory". It is our primal instinct and that rush of knowing something I have claimed feels the same toward me is quite the turn on.

When I feel like I am not the object of desire --- it is a turn off. Not that I need 24/7 attention, but in a relationship, for the chemistry to last, you need a never ending supply of "ego booster" from your partner, at least I do, If I am being honest here.

There is no bigger turn off than fawning over someone else.

There is no bigger turn off than ignoring me.

There is no bigger turn off than not expressing your emotions to me.

There is no bigger turn off than acting as if "nothing bothers you" as far as other people go.

I need the fire, the passion, the desire, that excitement.

I've had healthy doses of "jealousy" in previous relationships and it did wonders for the chemistry and physical aspect but jealousy has a FINE LINE that must never be crossed. The second "healthy jealousy" turns to "envy and rage".......well.......game over.

Think of it this way.....

Every "wife" still wants to know her "husband" finds her attractive and not the "bimbo" on TV -- UNLESS the "husband" points out something in this "bimbo" that reminds him of his "wife" ----- then the "wife" might look at the "bimbo" differently --- hence, a little "spice" added to the marriage. Maybe the woman on TV looks like the "man's wife" but is wearing something a bit more risque. That could be the "husband's" way of hinting to his wife, "honey, you would look good in that" ------ Just making a point here.

THE HEALTHY THING TO SAY WOULD BE:

"See that woman on TV? You remind me of her. You would look even more beautiful in that outfit than she does."

That would be the CORRECT way to get your point accross.

BAD WAY: "Damn, that woman is hot. Wish you would wear something like that for me!"

YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless you are comparing someone to your partner, keep your goddamn mouth shut! ;)

Do you think your husband wants to hear how "hot" you find Brad Pitt? Especially if he has a beer gut, gray hair and is balding?????

Shutty the mouthy.

STROKE YOUR PARTNER'S EGO and I assure you, your relationship will not only last but keep its FIRE and passion.

We all want to be reminded that we are coveted!!

We all want to be reminded that we are VALUED, APPRECIATED, RESPECTED -- DESIRED.

If YOU don't provide this to your partner than that means:

A.) You really don't care if they cheat on you, lead a double life or will eventually file for divorce.

B.) You yourself are over the relationship completely and ready to move on.

It is human nature to seek out what we need for survival.

For me? Love comes above EVERYTHING else.

Not just friendship/comfortable love --- PASSIONATE love.

I have a feeling I am finally with the right person! ;)

I will NEVER stop reminding her how much I love and desire her.

So go ahead, stroke your partner's ego tonight......get a'lil jealous! ;)

Old Photos

2012-01-05T11:08:00.001-05:00

I came across and old photo blog of mine. Looking forward to adding new photos as well!

Makes me want to hit the open road and take a million pictures.

Photo Blog: http://travelgirl.photoposts.org/index.php?x=browse

Ouch

2012-01-05T01:36:00.000-05:00

My sleeping routine is so off.

So much going on in my mind!!?

Split lip from car door isn't helping much.

Hmm.

Canadain music time! ;)

Happy, Fun - MUSIC!!

2012-01-04T16:33:00.001-05:00

Random...

2012-01-04T14:04:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

Taken at Girlspot - Club Gallery - Downtown Providence - New Year's Eve 2011!

Thank you Canada......XO

2011-12-31T12:18:00.001-05:00

Some New Videos to ring in 2012.....

Happy (INSERT WORD HERE) New Year!!!!

2011-12-31T11:27:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year to Me.

Please.

What a roller coaster of a year 2011 has been.

There were many beautiful parts and then heartbreaking parts.

Luckily 2011 is ending back on the beautiful parts, but I am changed person 100%.

How have I changed this year?

I know no emotional or physical pain will ever bring me to a "breaking point". I know that there is nothing I cannot get through.

I know that when I am at my "darkest point", a point of wanting to "give up" --- curl into a little ball and forget the world around me ---- I won't.

I take a deep breath and the voice on my right shoulder knocks the voice on my left shoulder out.

The voice saying, "YOU WILL BE OKAY!" and "YOU CAN DO THIS!" and "BE STRONG!" is way louder than the tears and negative chatter.

I reached my lowest point emotionally the night of the hurricane here in Rhode Island this past August. I was alone in my apt. Lights out. No A/C. No noise. No partner to "ride it out with" ----- just me and my pets. I felt panicky. I felt trapped. I felt truly afraid. I was standing in my kitchen taking a panic attack, hyperventilating. Dealing with a broken heart, betrayal, fear and loneliness but the emotion that beat all of those negative thoughts up was --- HOPE. I had just started talking to Jen and I had such amazing support of family and friends and -- my FAITH. I somehow managed to get myself to Providence, where I had a total breakdown that night and by the next morning ---- I was fine and I HAVEN'T HAD ANOTHER "breakdown" since and I don't think I ever will.

My muscles may not be as big as they were last spring.

I may not be as toned in general as I was last spring...lol....but....

DAMN, my emotional muscles are stronger than ever.

I could go on and on about the negative aspects of 2011 but let me focus on the positives right now....and I will end with the most positive of them all! ;)

My ex loved me. I don't care what she may say or has said to me -- I know what we shared and I know she loved me as much as I loved her. I know the laughter we shared. Laughing so hard we would feel sick or run to the bathroom..lol. I know the way we got each other's humor. I know how we just got --- each other. I know the deep conversations we had whether in person or via email. I know the plans we made. I remember the look of love in her eyes. The compliments I would receive on a daily basis. I am choosing to focus on THAT. Some people need constant change and sometimes when that happens we act in ways we never thought we would. We say things we never thought we would. Whatever the reason......I would like to think that isn't who the really person is. You don't just spend almost 1,825 days with someone you "don't love".....I know the chemistry we had. You can't fake chemistry. THIS is what I am choosing to remember. Not the things said out of "pain" or "anger" -------- we all make mistakes, get angry and say/do stupid things. That is life. I like to base how a person REALLY is on the MAJORITY of the time and my ex and I had a beautiful connection most of the time. That is how I am choosing to remember her as 2011 comes to an end.

I am strong enough to do this.

I am happy enough to do this.

Another beautiful thing I realized in 2011 is that I have A TON of friends who are like FAMILY and my family are like my BEST FRIENDS.

The support I received in 2011 makes me teary eyed.

My friend Donna became my sister. She wholeheartedly got me through my heartbreak. She and da mamas were my rock.

All of my other friends were like marionettes. Lifting me up when I couldn't move.

The amount of NEW friends in my life is amazing.

People that came from out of nowhere and supported me this summer are truly guardian angels.

Kristin, Martine, Sarah, Kendra, Marygrace, Kim, Annette etc., -- Wow. Wow. Wow.

Their friendship helped me so much (and continues to help me).

There are so many beautiful, kind hearted people out there and I feel SO LUCKY to have met them.

Yeah. Friends are like family and family can be friends.

Lucky.

Now onto finances.

Holy shit what a tough year.

God has blessed me with a mother that is not only my mother but my best friend and if it wasn't for her, I have no idea where I would've been this summer.

I have learned that when my emotional state is out of wack ----"I" am COMPLETELY out of wack.

I cannot, absolutely CANNOT FOCUS.

My business took a MAJOR HIT this spring/summer.

Every bit of money I personally had saved was used and with my mother's love and support I was able to keep my head afloat.

2011 is ending on a very stressful, yet positive note, as far as finances go.

I may be hurting more than ever financially but I am more positive about this changing in 2012 than I have ever been and this all has to do with the final person I will focus on when I end this! ;)

I have always had health issues which have caused me to become self employed and start my own company which has provided me with opportunities that also make me teary eyed.

I am so in love with my small little business.

It is the thing I am most proud of in life.

I will never give up on it and I know it will never give up on me.

I will love it hard in 2012.

I will give it the love and attention it deserves.

I will bring it back to life bigger and better than ever.

Out & About Travel is a part of me.

It provides me with not only money but TRAVEL and WRITING opportunities.

It makes me feel ALIVE and EXCITED and SO GRATEFUL.

It has never given up on me and I will never give up on it.

This year has taught me that I can survive on VERY LITTLE and still LIVE A HELL OF A LIFE.

Damn, do I LIVE LIFE.

I have FUN and I will NEVER CHANGE THAT.

I don't know when God will take me, so I will ALWAYS live the life I am lucky enough to have.

Finally....

2011 has taught me that SOME psychics are amazingly accurate and when you think you will never find love again, shut the fuck up...and open your eyes.

Let me tell you all about heartbreak. That moment when you feel as if your WORLD HAS ENDED and you will NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE THE SAME AGAIN or find someone ATTRACTED TO YOU THE SAME WAY or blah, blah, blah...

SHUT THAT VOICE UP!!!!!

FIND THE STRENGTH!!!!!

Trust me....

Even when you feel like you will throw up if you write one more personal ad on those online dating sites....DO IT.

As my psychic explained to me ---- "The universe is always working in your favor."

My psychic, Liz, told me during one of my readings in June the following:

"You are going to meet a woman with dark, medium length, wavy hair and dark eyes who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. She is going to seem very familiar and have some sort of issue with her hip."

Jennifer Walsh.

Jennifer has beautiful, dark, wavy/curly, medium length hair. She has the brightest, most gorgeous dark eyes I have ever seen. She has a smile that lights up her face...and a room. A profile that makes me stutter. She treats me like I "deserve to be treated" and you know what? Because of her NF she has a slight issue with her hip that sometimes caused her pain.

Wow.

I met Jen on Martch.com.

I was not only attracted to her cuteness at the time I saw her ad, I was attracted to her OUTLOOK on life and a quote by her brother who had passed over a year ago:

"Enjoy life, that's all that matters."

I knew I had to write her.

I sent her a heartfelt letter.

She responded.

I did not.

She wrote again and sent a friend request on Facebook.

I responded.

We celebrated our 3 month anniversary the other day.

I feel like I have know Jennifer forever.

We connect on EVERY (and I do mean EVERY) level.
She is 37 and looks in her 20's.
She LOVES ALL KINDS OF MUSIC.

She isn't materialistic.

She is close to her family.

She loves pets.

She is kindhearted.

She is an amazing friend.

She is amazing with children.

She is FUN and ENJOYS LIFE.

She is NOT a workaholic.

She is romantic and sweet and loves the simple things in life like --- snuggling on the coach watching a movie with me!

She is the perfect combination of HOT FEMME mixed with a strong, sexy, tomboy attitude which melts me.

She is aggressive in areas that compliments my shyness.

She makes me laugh.

We have the same morals and future goals.

I am her priority!!!!!! Oh my God, how good does that feel??? :)))

I am completely in love. Head over heels in love.

And for the first time --- ever. I feel someone loves me, simply for me.
But love on all levels. Romantic and friendship.

Jen always says "WE HAVE IT ALL" so I am stealing this and saying --

WE DO HAVE IT ALL.

She has called me her "FOREVER PERSON" and "PERFECT MATCH" and I am stealing this too.

Jen makes me feel so attractive and brings out sides of me that have been hidden for quite some time.

Our chemistry is off the charts.

We have a very HEALTHY relationship! ;)

I feel safe, accepted, loved, encouraged and -- RESPECTED.

I feel VALUED.

I feel like I am FINALLY being "treated the way I deserve to be treated" and I hope I am treating her the same way. I like to think I am! ;)

Our families love each other.

God, I love her mom & dad.

Mom and Dad Walsh...!! :)

Such wonderful, loving, kind people.

THEY make me teary eyed.

I can see where Jen gets her GOODNESS from.

I can only imagine how much I would've loved her brother, Patrick.

I can't explain it but I have a very deep connection to Patrick. I get very emotional when I think about him and what Jen and her parents must've went through during his illness.

I feel him around ME....!? It's very weird but beautiful.

I feel like I want to tell him, "Don't worry Patrick, I will look after everyone."

As I was typing this out I was watching Jen in the living room surrounded by the pets. Reed on her lap. Flufferella on her chest. Rosie laying behind her and I am sure Thumpy & Mitzy were close by. The pets LOVE her and she loves them. EACH OF THEM. It's beautiful.

What a beautiful site.

Jen is my future.

Jen is my 2012.

Jen will be each new year from here on end.

I don't have to worry about her telling me:

"I have better things I can be doing."

or...

"I don't know what I want."

or....

"You can leave and I wouldn't care."

or....

"I don't want this to be my life."

or....

"I don't feel in love."

or....

"You don't know what I am capable of."

or.....

"I never loved you."

or.....

"Is this too big of a word for you?"

or....

"Your opinion means nothing to me."

or....

"Fuck you!"

or.....

"I hate you!"

or.....

"Personally I don't care what your mother thinks."

or....

"Your loser of a brother."

or....

"I'd have more fun without you."

or....

"You'll never come before work."

or....

"I don't like the holidays."

or....

All mixed with contradictory things like, "I love you!", "I can't imagine my life without you!", "You are my everything!", etc., etc., etc.,

Sigh.

Goodbye 2011.

Goodbye heartache.

Goodbye cruel words.

Goodbye lies.

I welcome 2012 with open arms.

I will appreciate every second --- good or bad because I know nothing, NOTHING, will ever compare to the pain I experienced in 2011.

I will continue to love with everything in me and hope that the person I am loving, Jennifer Walsh, will always appreciate and value this, which I am pretty sure she will.

I will continue to NEVER give up when it comes to work and financial peace of mind.

I will continue to be the best daughter I could possibly be and hope my mom (mamas) realize this.

I will continue to be the best mama to my pets.

I will continue to travel and thank GOD for each second he blesses this luxury on me. I will appreciate the way the sky looks. The way the trees look when the sunlight hits them just right. I will appreciate the way the air smells. The way the clouds look. I will appreciate every second of travel. Travel. One of my great loves. Something that keeps me --- breathing.

I will continue to be a good friend and will always be there for people who may need me.

I will write, write and write some more. I will NEVER stop expressing myself.

I will continue to be HONEST and forthright and, sorry, will continue to sometimes use "small little white lies" if it means I can avoid hurting someone's feelings. Remember -- "IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY --- DON'T SAY ANYTHING OR LIE!" ;) ;)

I will continue to nurture and love Out & About Travel and will pump life back into it and "love it the way it deserves to be loved."

And most of all...

I will continue to LIVE LIFE.....

Rich or poor.

Better or worse.

I am married to LIVING LIFE.

2012?

Bring it on! ;)

-Des

Do Not Take My Photo (Please).

2011-12-24T08:54:00.000-05:00

On this Christmas Eve I am stirring with things to write about. I am dying to blog about why a healthy dose of jealousy (on both parts) is actually a GOOD thing in a relationship AND why I hate photos being taken of me so much.

Hmm....let's go with option two which will be quicker to explain! ;)

PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PHOTO!

I hate having people taking photos of me, but I love taking photos of others AND myself.

Why do I hate when people take photos of me?

Simple answer: My breasts dominate most shots I am not in control of. It has been this way regardless of my weight, so it is NOT a weight thing. I know my size and I am fine with a size 12, but I will never be fine with the way my chest appears in photos.

I am a tomboy. I would prefer a much smaller chest. With that said I do not hate my breasts and feel sexy when my cleavage is showing.

I loath side shots of me because all I focus on is the way my breasts look.

Most people with a camera take side shots or shots when either your eyes are closed or you are doing a weird "chin thing" (c'mon we all know about the "weird chin thing" - lol).

I love taking photos of people because I try with everything in me to take flattering shots. I would never post a shot of someone on Facebook (or anywhere) where I thought there was even the slightest possibility of them not liking it (and if they don't like it I take it down right away).

If I wasn't in the travel field I would either be a life coach, meteorologist or.....photographer. I have a cheap $99 camera and have no real training except for a photography class I took in high school.I don't know any technical terms, but I do like to think I know what LOOKS GOOD. Whether it is a scenery shot or shot of a person.
Most people who take photos --- take photos for the memory and don't even think for a second how a person may have come out in the photo (except themselves, of course - lol).

Some people photograph very well from EVERY angel ---- I do not. At least this is how I have always felt.

ANYWHO ---

With that said, I LOVE TAKING PHOTOS OF MYSELF (or people/pets/places) I love. Why???? I take photos of myself NOT because I am conceited (couldn't be further from the truth) or love looking at myself (lol - yeah - no), but because I can have FULL CREATIVE CONTROL and it is another way for me to be creative AND monitor my weight.
I do not use scales. I have never owned a scale. I will never own a scale. I have a scale phobia because a.) I have known way too many people with eating disorders and have seen the torment a scale can cause and b.) If I am feeling good about myself and get on a scale and see I gained a pound or two, I, like everyone else, would instantly feel awful.

Nope --- I take photos.

I know my face/upper part of the body VERY WELL. I can tell when I have gained and/or lost (luckily I am on the losing part these days - lol).

I also like trying out different positions and editing options. I feel most comfortable doing this with photos of myself or people really close to me.

SELF ESTEEM: Growing up I was teased a lot about break-outs that would occur or my "tom boyish appearance". This caused me to be very judgemental of my looks. When you have cruel things said to you as a child or teen from peers (or strangers), it sticks with you --- even as an adult. I have gotten MUCH better and my self esteem is healthy and normal, but I still like to monitor my appearance at all times. I take pride in trying to keep myself well taken care of. Photos allow me the opportunity to step back, observe and see how "I am doing".

EGO BOOST: Unfortunately most people aren't easy with the compliments, pat on the back or "shot in the arm" ego boost. I remember Adam Lambert (from American Idol) said how he never liked the way he looked as a kid/teenager and was made fun of a lot. Because of this he had low self esteem growing up. As an adult he feeds off of the feedback from his fans when he is on stage -- not because he is conceited, but because his ego/self esteem was so bruised. I can relate to this. I could (usually) care less what people think of me and how I live my life. I know I am a good, honest person and I go to bed with a clear conscience at night, HOWEVER, my "image ego" and maybe the "musician" and "performer" in me, DOES require people's approval as far as appearance goes. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I am just being honest. Plus, who doesn't like feeling like someone genuinely finds them attractive, right? :) Be honest. It feels SO good.

SO YEAH, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PHOTO - LOL!!!

With that said, I truly wish there was a way to make sure people never took unwanted or unapproved photos of me. I know this is impossible, especially with all of the places I have been going and Facebook. I know I will see side shots of my breasts and will be making "the chin face" and will have my self esteem/ego kicked in the gut when this happens.

But in the meantime I will remember what I truly look like....by the photos I take.

Weezer

2011-12-23T10:03:00.002-05:00

Totally random....

Came across and old Weezer song that I was INSANE over back in 2006/2007. It has such an 80's sound. Love the guitar. Weezer is such a cool group. Don't you love it when you sorta forget about a group and then re-discover them? They have so many fantastic songs.

I love their style. Their sound.

They're just so.....cool!

I'd love to be in a Weezer cover band.

Two of my all time favorites....

My gift to you this Christmas - laughter!

2011-12-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

One of the funniest SNL skits ever! ;D

Merry Christmas! XO

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-22T01:13:00.003-05:00

Kindness

2011-12-21T10:21:00.004-05:00

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Last night I had a dream about, well, kindness and how the smallest acts stick with people.

My mother had written on FB about a woman that helped her and Elizabeth get their car out of the driveway during a snowstorm so the thought was fresh in my mind as I went to bed.

I didn't watch the below video until this morning and AFTER my dream. Wow.

Kindness. The word alone makes my chest tighten up and eyes water.

Last night I met my friend (and ex), April, for dinner. April knows things have been a bit tough finacially for me so when I excused myself and went to the bathroom, she took it upon herself to cover the bill. I was blown away by this unexpected kindness. It was done in the most casual of ways and even though I put up a fight and tried to give her my fair share and even a Kohl's credit certificate (lol) -- she just smiled at me with that look of genuine "I care fo you love" and changed the subject.

Kindness.

Speaking of ex's, I was recently reminded of a time my last ex gave a homeless man a gold ring (I believe it was gold or had a diamond --- regardless it was an expensive ring). I can still see the look of happiness on her face as she explained to me what she did. This same ex also bought a Wendy's meal for a homeless man once in Boston. As a matter of fact she rarely passed homeless people without getting them food, giving them something they could exchange for money or just money itself. She didn't just hand a $1 to them, she would give $5's and $10's and I believe even a $20 once. She did it without even thinking. We use to talk and say even if they ARE gong to use it for drugs/alcohol, it must take so much away from your pride to have to stand on a corner and beg for money. We always tried to convince ourselves that they needed the money for food or their kids --- but deep down we knew the truth, we just couldn't help it. I have a soft spot for this too, I admit. I wish I had more money so that I could help more people. I sincerely mean that. If I was "rich" -- I would so share the wealth. Absolutely - share - the - wealth.

My mom and her partner, Elizabeth, are two of the kindness, loving people I have ever met. My mom use to tell me how my grandmother was always for "the underdog" --- I guess it runs in the family. Kindness can be a helping hand, an ear to listen, words of advice, jokes to make you laugh, a random hug, an "I love you" or some sort of help. Both my mom & Elizabeth have shown me immeasurable amounts of kindness and love.

My aunt Rose WAS kindness. She was (and will always be) my greatest role model. She had a smile that could make stomach aches better, broken hearts mend, tears dry up and anxiety go away. She had this way of making you feel like she REALLY was listening to you --- which she was, so I am sure that came easily. She had this way of making you feel like she REALLY did love you --- which, I know she did. She would do anything for anyone at any time. I take great pride when people, especially my mother, tell me how much I remind them of aunty.

I have always said, from when I was in high school, that their are "red cape" and "black cape" people in the world. So many people want to knock you down and try to hurt you. It is so much easier to be KIND in my book. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL says things we wish we didn't. We are, after all, human. But if the majority of who we are is good to the core --- then what more could we ask for? The "red cape" people are like those in the video listed above. The people who go out of their way to help others simply because they want to....and it just comes natural. The "black cape" people go out of their way to hurt you because...well...it just comes natural.

Smile at people. Compliment people. Encourage people. Help people who are struggling. Forgive people. Apologize if you have hurt someone. It will come back to you ten fold.

My partner, Jennifer, is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is the type person that leaves sweet notes for me in the morning, writes beautiful blogs and poems about me, helps without being asked, is there for her family and friends and is just --- GOOD --- to the core. After my first date with Jennifer on September 16, 2011, I sorta freaked out. I was nervous that it was "too soon" after my breakup. I felt guilty and afraid because I had developed feelings for her. The letter she sent me the next day, saying "she wasn't going anywhere" and how "she understood" etc., ------ hit me bullseye in the heart and allowed me to open myself up to this amazing, loving, beautiful woman. Her kindness overflowed and it was that letter, that response, that started this beautiful relationship.

Kindness.

It doesn't take much to make someone feel important, loved...valued.

Everyone appreciates a "how are you doing?" or a "how are you feeling?"

Even better? How about "how can I help you?"

Be genuine because people can pick up on fake concern from a mile away and a fake "how can I help you?" hurts more than not asking.

I thank God every night for the blessings in my life. I do. Even when I am sick or struggling financially, I feel grateful -- from my core. I can't help the crosses I have been given in life, just like all of you can't. Some crosses we are meant to bare, others we can get rid of.

One thing I know is that the kindness in my life will always keep me going, but what will keep me going even more is.............returning the kindness.

Sex Appeal

2011-12-20T15:13:00.003-05:00

SEX APPEAL

So today I am thinking about sex appeal.

The definition that you will find online is:

1. the ability to excite people sexually.

2. immediate appeal or obvious potential to interest or excite others, as by appearance, style, or charm: a house with no sex appeal.

Sex appeal comes in all shapes and sizes. What appeals to one person may not appeal to others.

Case in point --- the average "blond bomb shell" just doesn't do it for me nor has it ever.

Quite honestly, stereotypical beauty is not sexy to me at all.

Sexy to me means:

Someone that isn't afraid to be themselves.

Someone that takes control of (certain) situations.

Someone that can melt me with the look in their eyes.

Someone that accepts me for how I am and strokes my ego (no pun intended).

Someone that can work a pair of jeans as well as a sexy dress.

Someone that can look as hot first thing in the morning as they do all dressed up.

Someone that laughs easily at themselves.

Someone that compliments easily.

Someone that is straight forward.

Someone that is in touch with their feminine side as well as their masculine side (but way more on the feminine side).

Someone that can sit and talk for hours.

Someone that can act like a goof and still make you weak in the knees.

Someone that shows their emotions easily.

Someone that knows the fine art of flirting.

Someone that makes you feel like the most beautiful woman (or handsome man) in the world.

Someone that is adventurous sexually.

Someone that makes your heart melt by looking at you from across the room.

Someone that is comfortable (enough) with their body.

Someone who isn't afraid to eat and enjoy food!

Someone who learns you and knows you better than anyone else.

Someone who is more of an aggressor.

Someone who never loses their ability to have fun.

Someone who makes you feel like they never want to lose you.

Someone who makes you feel like you are "theirs" and they are "yours".

Someone not afraid to take care of themselves physically and emotionally.

Someone who is good with children.

Someone who is trustworthy.

Someone who always has your best interest at heart.

Someone who smells good.

Someone who isn't afraid to cry.

Someone who isn't afraid to stand up for their beliefs.

Someone that knows how to live life.

Someone that values life experiences.

Yes, sex appeal comes in many forms.

The list above is what is sexy TO ME.

If my emotions aren't stimulated - nothing is stimulated.

Powerful

2011-12-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

POWERFUL MESSAGES

Self Expression

2011-12-18T03:35:00.001-05:00

White tie, purple shirt, blue jeans, purle/white sneakers, eye makeup & black undies.

Never be afraid to be yourself.

My girlfriend loves my flannel and eye makeup!

2011-12-17T12:48:00.002-05:00

My girlfriend loves me just the way I am. XOXO <3

http://enjoylifejw.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-girlfriend-wears-eye-makeup-and-i.html

For my Aunty Rosie

2011-12-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

FOR AUNTY ROSIE

My aunt Rose. My great aunt Rose to be more precise, was such a poignant structure in my life. I was lucky to have her around for 25 years of my 35 years here on earth.

I tend to think about her a lot this time of year. As a matter of fact, this morning I had a very vivid dream of her. That always startles me but also makes me feel like she is still connected to me.

Some people are lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents and enough aunts, uncles and cousins that they lose count.

Growing up I was only close to one of my grandparents, my mom's mother, Bambina Montanro. I loved her very much, but, unfortunately she passed away when I was 8 years old.

I was always more close to my mom's side of the family which is small. My mom's side of the family is full of "artsy" people. Think musicians, dancers, actors and artists. We are also VERY gay friendly, accepting, non-judgemental and purty darn silly! ;)

I loved/love my family.

Most of the family members I was close to growing up have either passed away, moved away or drifted apart. We do, however, keep in touch via Facebook and I know we'd have each other's back in a heartbeat.

I also look forward to Xmas Eve, a time when the remaining parts of my "small" family come together. It has been awhile since I have taken part in that (2006/2007 was my last time), but I am looking forward to it this year.

Back to my aunt Rose.

My aunt Rose was not only my aunt - she was also like a 2nd mom, grandmother and best friend rolled into one.

She babysat me and my brother many, many times growing up, and when my mom went back to college, when I was 11/12 years old -- I practically lived over my aunt Rose's house.

Many night we would sit in front of the TV, watch the 6 PM news and then (gulp) Lawrence Welk (shutty! lol) --- It would be my aunt Rose, Uncle Frank and myself. My cousin Matthew would often be around as well. He is closer to my mom's age (mid 50's).

Anyway, I LOVED spending time with aunty Rose and uncle Frank! They would talk back and forth in Italian and you could just FEEL the love they still had for each other.

They were such great role models. Even if they had issues, I never picked up on them as a child. What I felt in their presence was love, laughter and a sense of calm/peace.

My aunt would usually make some sort of pasta and serve it with the most delicious salad and Italian bread. Yum. Sometimes we would take a walk to the corner cafe, Small World, to meet up with some of her friends for "coffee and dessert". I would take everyone's order and then go up to the counter, feeling like a "grown up" and place the order for them.

I loved those women as much as they loved me.

I would play music on the jukebox, sit back and listen to all of their conversations. I was such an "old lady" with them. It was great! ;D

My aunt Rose and I could sit and talk (nonstop) for hours. She was an amazing listener and never really had anything bad to say about someone. Even if she could, she chose not to. I learned a lot from her.

She was the one that got me my first subscriptions to '17 Magazine', 'Lucky' etc., --- all those "girly" magazines that were SO fun to read (especially when there was an article about -- hehehe - homosexuality).

She showed me how to style my hair, put makeup on (shuuuuuut up - lol), clean, cook, do laundry and --- pray. She was very religious but not in a freaky-cult-like-way. In a more spiritual-love-everyone type way.

I remember prints of Mary up in her bedroom. I remember Rosary Beads hanging over her bedpost and I remember going to church with her on Sunday.

What I learned most of all from her (and my uncle Frank) was this:

NEVER DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO.

NEVER TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE ELSE.

ALWAYS ACT CLASSY (yes, there is a classy way not to "take shit" from someone...lol).

My aunt taught me about compassion, empathy and doing for others.

She would call me ONCE A DAY just to say, "I love you." Of course she would always ask how I was and was always willing and ready to listen to me if I "felt sick" or "sad" about something. Without fail, I always - ALWAYS felt better when I got off the phone with her or after a visit.

I felt my aunt's love.

She would call to make sure I had "enough ____insert here _____" of whatever. For example, if I felt sick she would always make sure I had juice around or soup.

She would make sure I had a heavy winter jacket or was "bundled up" enough when I went outside.

She would always make sure I had "a couple of dollars" on me just in case of an emergency.

She would always tell me how "beautiful" I was or "how special" I was.

Things kids my age NEED to hear.

Things that SHAPE a person into who they become.

As I grew older we just got closer and closer. I would take my aunt shopping, we'd go out to eat, we'd just go everywhere together. It was always me, my mom and aunt.

During the last year of her life she moved into the apt in my mom's house on Federal Street. Too long of a story to get into.

I can tell you this. My aunt passed away with very little material possessions. The things you think will matter to you -- don't in the end. She lived a very full, happy, fun life --- but when she moved in the apt above us, she took so little with her. As long as she had her dog, slippers, cozy nightgowns, magazines/books, reading glasses and food....she was happy. She had her TV, recliner and that was pretty much it. She could've had more, but this is all she needed. Her # 1 concern was always her son. Again, too long of a story to get into.

I remember one of the last conversations my aunt & I had prior to her last weeks of life. We were sitting in the living room area in the apt above from me and looking out into the back yard. She told me she was "tired" and she said she "just wanted everyone to be happy" and "learn to live life without her." She also said she was happy that I had "someone like April in my life" (meaning - someone solid, good, kind and nurturing to me). I remember thinking I didn't have many more of these type conversations left with her.

A couple of weeks later I was by her bedside, holding her hand, painfully aware of the warmth and life still pulsating through her. She held my hand in her right hand and my mothers in her left. She couldn't talk at this point but she gripped our hands hard and gave us both a look of unconditional love. I told her that "I loved her and I would be okay and not to ever worry about me." I told her that "she would always be with me and a part of who I am." I also joked with her (of course) and told her "not to haunt me"....lol. She smiled.

I was a wreck during this point in my life -- physically and emotionally. I just wasn't living the life I was meant to. I wasn't happy to my core. You could see it in pictures from that time frame. I suffered with anxiety attacks a lot during this time and I thought for sure, when I lost my aunt, I would take it VERY hard, but you know what?

I didn't.

I felt peace.

I know what it is like to lose someone with no regrets.

I know I loved my aunt Rose with everything in me. I respected her every second she was in my life. I valued her and, most importantly, I showed this to her. I vocalized it. She knew and could feel my love for her, as I could hers.

The morning of the day my aunt passed away, my mother and Elizabeth had gone to see her. She wasn't doing well at all and I had a bad night and did not want to see her in that condition that morning. I mentally couldn't handle it. Knowing my mother was at the hospital, I called her (I knew she always kept her cell phone on...shh....lol). She picked it up....thank God. I asked her to put the phone next to my aunt's ear.

I told my aunt over and over (and over) how much I loved her and how "okay" I would be because of her. I told her it was okay and that I wanted her to be at peace. I had this habit of always saying "see you later" to her, but this time, I said "goodbye, I love you."

Well...

My aunt hadn't spoken a single word in days because of the toxin build up in her body and all the meds she was on.....after I said, "goodbye, I love you."

I heard her say, "And I love you too."

It was the last words I, or anyone, would ever hear from her again.

She passed away that night.

Since my aunts passing I have asked for "signs" from her. The year of her passing I specifically asked to find an old card that she gave me in some random place, out of the blue --- that day.

I found one.

Out of the blue.

The day I requested it.

Not only that, I had a vivid dream of her handing me a Christmas Card with a huge smile on her face and asking, "Is this what you wanted?" She was surrounded by bright light...and...yeah....well....it was cool.

She is and always will be with me.

We have this tradition we do each day before Christmas Eve. We go to an Italian restaurant called Marchetti's in Cranston, RI. We would go with my aunt every year and watch her eat this Italian seafood dish the size of her head! LOL! She would usually eat 1% and bring the rest home to her son, but it was adorable to see her get so excited over it. Since her passing we have carried on this tradition with the people who have been in our lives. I am looking forward to honoring her this year as well.

Simple and silly....just as she would've liked it! ;)

I would give anything for one of those simple phone calls from my aunt Rose.

I'd pick up the phone and I would hear her sing, "I just called to say I love you" (as she often did...) and then she would ask me how I was doing/feeling, we'd make plans to see each other and I would hang up with a smile. Feel warm and loved.

That is one phone call I would always answer.

I love you, Aunty Rose.

XOXOXOXOXO

I Like Eye Makeup

2011-12-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

So, I found myself putting on black eyeliner and a touch of mascara the other night. I did this because I had mostly black on and it felt "rock-n-roll". I feel sexy when I dress up my eyes, probably the way guys feel when they do the same.

It is not a girly thing by all means, but more of an expression of my inner "gay-boy'ism"! ;)

Gay boy exterior, boyish personality sexually, and a girly personality.

That's me - precisely.

I feel like I am coming more into myself than ever before.

I am truly learning who I am, what I am attracted to, what I desire in life and the path I want to take to get there.

One thing I know is I am not and never will be - masculine.

I have never been attracted to that in others or longed for that within myself.

Brawn does not impress me. Emotions do.

Muscles do not impress me. Gentleness does.

Cocky attitudes do not make me laugh. Sweet and silly does.

I never understood women who LIKE the "bad boy" --- really? Do you like it when he curses at you? Hits you? Cheats on you? Smells like a sewer? Gets into trouble with the law? Forgets your anniversary?

Am I missing something?? lol

I'll take good over bad - any day.

I'll take soft over tough - any day.

I'll take feminine over butch - any day.

I am a femme tomboy for sure. I still like my (pink) tie. I still like my hair short(ish). I still like to open a door for people (not just women) I am with. I still get weak in the knees over lingerie. My girlfriend stills makes my heart skip a beat when she looks at me in the way only a (tomboy) femme could.

There is still much emphasis on the TOMBOY part of FEMME TOMBOY, but I will continue to wear eye makeup on occasion, still be attracted to heart pink - anything, make sure my hair is feminine enough, be more submissive in certain roles, bake anything your heart desires, shop anytime of the day or night, walk like a woman (my t&a will always lead the way), cry during sad/romantic movies, melt over romantic gestures, run away from bugs, call a mechanic (or my girlfriend) when I have a car issue and hoist my boobies in certain homophobic destinations.

All I am sayin' is that I enjoy.....dressing up my eyes....especially when I have a tie on.

Words move me

2011-12-14T14:02:00.001-05:00

Words have the power to move us in ways we never thought possible. That is why I love quotes so much.

In the few seconds it takes to read them, they resonate with us. We ponder. We try and relate the words to our own lives.

If only we remembered these beautiful quotes we felt so moved by. It would be fantastic to instantly remember a quote when faced with daily situations, however, it isn't until much later that we find such quotes, sit and reflect......and then forget.

Repeat pattern.

These quotes resonate with me today.

“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth and seek forgiveness.” ~Unknown

"People are far easier to forgive others for being wrong than for being right." ~Joanne Kathleen Rowling

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." ~Lewis B. Smedes

"He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think of again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do." ~Unknown.

"Be yourself, because you are what you love to do." ~Unknown.

"When you love someone, you can never forget about them." ~Wiz Khalifa

"Growth happens by facing your fears rather than running from them. In the end fear is only an illusion." ~Uknown

Ruined The Air - Brian McKenzie

2011-12-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Samomike - Electrochoc!

2011-12-13T07:48:00.002-05:00

I. Love. Canada.

Samomike_feat_Deeci_-_Electrochoc_(Quentin_Mosimann_remix)_320 Vidéo ExcluB sélectionnée dans Musique

Totally 80's Christmas Party!!!

2011-12-11T23:51:00.001-05:00

Totally 80's Christmas Party - December 10, 2011

Forgiveness

2011-12-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

Sending positive energy out to everyone who may be needing it right now for whatever reason.

I just felt the need to post this.

One should never be afraid to reach out for help.

To speak truth.

Ask forgiveness.

Give forgiveness.
You'd be surprised what a cleansing that does for the soul.

Release the heaviness. Be kind to yourself and always see the best in someone.

Never assume the worst outcome.

You'd be surprised the capacity of goodness in people.

My Jennifer

2011-12-10T13:52:00.000-05:00

A totally random rambling about my gorgeous, sweet, loving, girlfriend.

My Jennifer.

Jen and I recently started living together. It felt like the natural thing to do. I use to hate the nights we were apart and don't even get me started on how nervous I was the night I couldn't reach her.

Jen has a lot of kid like qualities which I love. She is also very stable and mature which I also love.

Let's talk about the kid like qualities.

Jen has saved a lot of items of sentimental value from her childhood. Be it "spunky the monkey" puppet or her Cabbage Patch Dolls -- she seems as fond of them today as she must've been then.

I love when she pulls something out of a box (such as the penguin sock puppet that was her mother's and now -- mine -- lol).

She doesn't find it odd that I have a pet toy bull, like acting silly in Walmart or get way too excited over 'Teen Mom 2' on MTV.

She gets it. She gets me.

I get her, too.

Jen is game for anything. Be it putting on a silly hat in the Canadian version of the Dollar Store or saying something extremely funny with a straight face.

She always catches the humor in things.

She thinks nothing of dressing up like a drag queen, Judd Nelson or Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

On top of all this, she has the cutest, most adorable laugh.

She also makes a cute "mmm...hmmm" sound when something strikes her funny or odd.

She gets as excited about Atari as I do.

She gets as excited about vintage cars and muscle cars as I do.

She gets as excited about Halloween and scary stuff as I do.

She gets as into parties and having fun as I do.

It's pretty darn amazing.

She is just a fun person.

She WANTS me to blast music in the car.

She WANTS me to sing.

She WANTS me to play guitar.

She encourages me....

She wants to learn how to play guitar and has a collection of the coolest, unique instruments.

I know this is random and all over the place, but these are things that are just coming to my mind.

Jen is just...awesome.

Besides her great sense of humor and childlike excitement she is also a very stable, mature, hard working, loyal, trusthworthy, kindhearted woman.

Jen has been at the same job for 9+ years. She commutes 45+minutes to/from work each day.

She is always there for her family and friends.

Volunteers her time for different charities and organizations including NF and AIDS.

She is the type person you can truly talk to.

She is super considerate. Nothing like having someone make the bed, help unpack groceries, remember to feed the pets, buy pet food, and do too many other numerous things to list. I am so use to having to "ask" someone to help with these things -- having someone just DO IT is a shock to the system. A very pleasant shock! ;)

Jen is just a GOOD PERSON.

To the core.

She goes out of her way to make you feel good about yourself, but not in a "bullshit"/fake sort of way. She is very honest and this comes across in everything she does.

She is REAL.

She doesn't judge others.

She is vulnerable AND strong.

She is considerate.

Sigh. Yes, "my" Jennifer.

Beautiful AND adorable.

Feminine with a tomboy edge.

I love her with such a dept of emotion it is hard to express.

I am not only attracted and love her, but I genuinely LIKE the person she is.

Put it this way, if she was a straight woman, I would SO crave to be her friend.

Hell, if she was a straight woman it would be my life mission to turn her the "other way"! LOL! ;)

I feel such a sense of peace inside knowing that out of the billions of people on earth, the Universe led us to each other.

Jennifer Walsh is "mine" and I love her so very much and will appreciate and respect her every day.

She deserves no less.

Take the Boxing Gloves Off!

2011-12-10T09:14:00.001-05:00

I believe the majority of us are good people. We sometimes make bad decisions, but to the core, most of us are pretty darn good people.

We shouldn't beat ourselves up for making mistakes.

If we are truthfully sorry for causing someone pain and a truthful and a heartfelt "I am sorry" is said than a heartfelt "I forgive you" will be returned.

What I know for sure is that life is too short for regrets. Guilt. Pain.

It takes a lot for me not to care about someone and truly dislike them.

I can say I only feel this way toward one person in my life --- my father (very good reason, I assure you).

Everyone else that may have hurt me? Well, I care for them too much to hold grudges.

I care about myself too much to harbor resentment and pain.

I tell people that once I love you -- I love you for life. The capacity of the type love may change, but I certainly don't wish anyone harm.

Guilt and sadness are horrible emotions to deal with. They eat at our soul. They make sleeping hard. They make focus hard. They make....life hard.

I don't want to contribute to that.

If a person is too afraid to reach out and apologize for pain they may have caused, I understand that too.

For my own sanity and peace of mind I offer up a big "I forgive you" because I believe in the goodness in most people and forgiveness makes the soul smile.

To all the people in my life that may have chipped away at my self esteem --- I forgive you and feel better about myself then ever.

To all the people who may have made fun of my appearance --- I forgive you and actually am okay with how I look these days.

To all the people who have said hurtful things to me and about me --- I forgive you and know how the brain/heart/mouth work when feeling.....hurt.

But most important.....

I'd like to focus on THANK YOU'S.

Thank you to all the people who have contributed to my self confidence and made me feel good about myself. Sometimes people who hurt you are only able to because their opinion matters(mattered) so much to you.

Making someone feel good about themselves is something that doesn't happen too often, so when someone is in my life that does ---- I feel the need to say THANK YOU.

And to those who may not be in my life, for whatever reason, I still thank you. I thank you for making me feel beautiful. Making me feel accepted just the way I am. I thank you for the encouragement. I thank you for the look in your eyes and smile when I entered a room. I thank you for the numerous (daily) "shots in the arm" to boost my ego.

I thank you.

See, having a blog is an open journal to the world.

Sometimes you write about pain.

Sometimes you write about joy.

Sometimes you write to educate people.

Sometimes you write just to vent.

And sometimes.....sometimes you write to say.....

THANK YOU.

Every person has goodness in them.

Everyone.

My life....

2011-12-09T12:12:00.001-05:00

Random photos from this past week....

Who the hell am I??

2011-12-09T10:39:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been thinking hard about my identity as a lesbian.

(Ellen is the soft tomboy type lesbian I consider myself to be)

Tomorrow I am throwing an 80's Christmas party. Everyone is going to dress up like the 80's. I, of course, chose to dress up more like a boy. I say boy because it sounds softer than man. For some reason I was more excited to dress up as a "boy" on Halloween because I was a "gay boy" which = softer. Tomorrow I am dressing like a "boy" from a new wave band. Think black shirt, white tie, black jacket, black & white converse sneakers and lots of makeup.

The makeup part is the part I am looking most forward to. It is extremely important to me that I appear soft and not butch. Why? Just because.
What type lesbian am I???? YES, I am a FEMME TOMBOY. I enjoy short, yet girlish haircuts. I enjoy boy, yet feminine, clothes. I could never wear makeup on a daily basis (eyeliner, mascara etc.,), I would feel in drag in (most) lingerie and forget nail polish.

(Daniela Sea is one of the few woman role models I have, not because she played a man on L Word, but because she is very soft/feminine while being boyish too).

(I would love to be shaped like this, but I have a completely different body type. Curvy and feminine.)

(I love how they compare Daniela to Zac Effron. I would much prefer to be compared to a feminine looking boy then a woman.)

With that said I prefer girly ties to manly ties. I hate the thought of tucking in "my" shirt because I feel "butchier" that way. I don't have a manly personality. I have an extremely girly personality.

(For some reason I would feel more comfortable wearing my pink tie and having my stomach shown like this than my white tie and a shirt tucked in.)

WTF?

I think I am a gay boy that loves women!?!?!

Putting it blunt (remember this is a BLOG and it's all about honesty --- if you don't want to read something blunt stop reading...like...now).......the only thing "boyish" about me, besides my shortish hair and clothes, which, let's be honest, is quite girly, is what I prefer sexually.

I will leave it at that. Ugh, why??? I should be blunt. See, I prefer certain things sexually with my partner one would consider more manly, but love when my partner takes more of an aggressive role too.
Make sense? ;)
I have a gay boy outer shell, a more boyish desire sexually and a very feminine/girlish personality.

Ahh. There it is.

It is like a mix of Ellen Degeneres meets Daniela Sea (Max from "The L Word") with a sprinkle of Betty Crocker/1940's house wife and numerous guys such as Emile Hirsch and Adam Lambert.

Fuck.

I'm confused.

All I know is I don't identify with masculine woman or feminine woman.

I would guess that the term "femme tomboy" pretty much means gay boy stuck in a lesbian's body.

Okay. I'll stick with Femme Tomboy.

So tomorrow while I am sporting my tie, I will be most excited about my makeup and my "tomboy femme" girlfriend (dressing up like Jud Nelson from Breakfast Club), tugging at my tie and flirting with me in the way only she can and looking forward to the truth that lies behind the bedroom door.

Time to play VJ!!

2011-12-08T08:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Canada I discovered some pretty hot songs.

Here I get to live out my VJ fantasies! ;)

Enjoy!

Where You Wanna Go - Mischa Daniels

Loca People - Sak Noe

Mr. Saxobeat - Alexandra Stan

Chica Bomb - Dan Bala

My Heart Skips a Beat - Olly Mur

Ella Ella LA - Kate Ryan

Vem Dancar Kuduro - Lucenzo

Shut Up and Dance - Victoria Duffield

Lollipop - Alexandra Stan

Club Rocker - Inna

December 7, 2011

2011-12-07T14:33:00.000-05:00

"Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings." ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

No Cheating Allowed....

2011-12-07T11:54:00.000-05:00

I loved reading this article so figured I would share!

Why My Husband Won't Cheat on Me

Posted: 11/ 5/11 12:18 PM ET React Amazing

Will Craig, my husband of 13 years (we've been together 18 so far and so far no cheating) and I have something really great going, but, as you know if you read my life coaching blog, it wasn't always so great. We both admire our parents' marriages and don't discount how important that is. If your parents never taught you or modeled how to stay in love, you are at a disadvantage. You'll have to learn from scratch, and after you've already passed the most optimal stage at which to learn, your youth. But don't worry, because you can find new role models, and how to keep a marriage hot and solid is something you can learn even if it doesn't "come naturally."

Speaking of coming naturally (and yes the pun opportunities will continue), part of the reason people get so frustrated with keeping romance alive is because they've been conditioned by movies and common culture to believe that if you are with the "right" person, all the romance and spark should come as a matter of course. At the Handel Group® we teach a different story. Love and romance usually come easily when we're young or when the relationship is young. After that, it takes work. That shouldn't not be viewed as an injustice or a burden, but rather an opportunity to grow yourself up and take charge of your life. This perspective works in a lot of different areas, not just love.

So, if you've now accepted that it's your job to keep love and intimacy alive (for your own happiness and to keep your partner from cheating) and that it's a privilege and a fun game to do so, let me give you some suggestions. There are some major reasons my husband won't cheat on me. First of all, he won't because he values fidelity and honesty and he's just a good egg. But that's a boring answer that doesn't enlighten the work aspect of relationships I mentioned above. Plus, I want to think it's something I have to do with, so here's my next cut at it:

1) He has the power to please me sexually and otherwise.

It's really important that your partner can please you and knows it. I know that seems simple and obvious, but many of you withhold your pleasure on purpose as a way to control people. We learned this at a very young age when we'd throw a tantrum to try and get candy or more time in the pool or attention from our parents. The idea is to withhold your happiness until you get what you want. Instead you get a messy, teary power struggle and you blame the other person.

For years, I used the tactic of withholding my own pleasure from my husband, and not just in the sexual arena, but in every arena. He couldn't drive right, do chores right, have conversations right or "loosen me up" in bed. How convenient that my satisfaction was all his problem and his failure. Growing up means making your happiness and pleasure YOUR problem and challenge to solve. As soon as I figured that out, life got soooo much better for me and for my husband. I am now generally pleased with my life and what's in it, because I have designed it that way. And I know that it is my job to like what my husband does. So either I get to liking it or find a great and graceful way to tweak it.

Turns out what he told me is true, I do get more bees with honey. You should try it too. Pretend it's nobody else's job to please you, only yours, and then pretend you are NOT ALLOWED to be displeased. How would you train people? What would you ask for? Whom would you thank and for what? What different choices would you make?

2) We make regular time for each other and treat it as sacred.

We have a bedtime and we honor it every night, to the minute. We both acknowledge how important regular face time is. During this time, we have a ritual with questions we ask each other that are designed to cause intimacy and reveal all parts of ourselves. I have to tell him what I am proud of in our marriage, how I succeeded that day, whom I connected with, where I played the victim and what I love about him. He has to tell me everything he doesn't want to say, whom he connected with, what bad traits came up that day, his successes and what he loves about me. We also re-assess our wedding vows and re-write them every year on our anniversary, and then we give ourselves grades on how we are doing at keeping them each week during our nightly ritual. This year I promised to listen more deeply than ever and to have my best year yet, and he promised to make eye contact and manage his time beautifully. See? We invent new and fun conversations about life, and our love, that are just ours, and that is what keeps us connected. (And now you can, too.)

3) It's safe to talk about sexuality in our house.

Sexually, he is allowed to like what he likes and so there is no sneaking. Even if I don't want to do everything he likes (and vice versa) there is no shaming about any of it. Those topics are sacred and protected. If that is not the case in your partnership, please take a good hard look at why not. What are you afraid of? What is your partner afraid of? What wounds are unhealed? I had to do plenty of work on myself to understand that I am not the same as my partner, and I don't have to be, and none of it is personal (unless it is).

4) I make him my hero.

I am now in the business of finding what I love about my partner (because I chose him!) rather than what doesn't work. I like to catch him being my hero. Whatever quality you want to see more of in your partner, start seeing it! I recommend you write down all the times you "catch" what you want to see.

5) We are involved in each other's lives.

Seems obvious, right? Do you know what your partner does with his/her time? Are you talking about it? I'd notice if Will was not home or where I expect him to be. We are intimately involved in each other's lives and we like that. You do not have to have the same preferences or spend all your time together, but please think something is fishy if there are weird gaps in communication or understanding of what your partner's life is like. Please do not persist in denial.

6) I have sex with him.

As long as we are on the obvious part of the list, here is the final, most important way to keep a hot marriage going; keep it hot! It's amazing to me how true the cliché of the sex fading with marriage has become. Cut it out!! Take a stand and lie back down in bed with that person you loved enough that you committed to him or her. Just get back on the bike and ride, it really does come back to you. Do NOT wait to be in the mood.

Well, I've given you more than enough, but I haven't nearly said it all. If you want a thorough perspective on what you can do to keep love and intimacy alive (or just Will's side of this story) come to the "Hot Monogamy" teleseminar on December 13th (or register now and listen later).

Love,

Laurie

Follow Laurie Gerber on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HGLifeCoaching

Bonjour, Jennifer! XO

2011-12-07T01:02:00.001-05:00

I love these photos I took at Jen at a small cafe in Saint. Jovite/Mont Tremblant.

I feel these photos capture her personality.

She is my FAVORITE subject to photograph.

XOXOXOXO

AND.....

Taken this evening (Dec 6th) at Coffee Depot in Warren, RI with my crappy Blackberry phone...lol.

Jen surprised me with a "squirrel" hand puppet a friend of ours told her about.

Now THIS is love. <3 xoxoxo

Viva La Canada!

2011-12-07T00:50:00.003-05:00

MONT TREMBLANT - QUEBEC, CANADA

December 2-5, 2011

Jen and I took a trip to Mont Tremblant this past weekend. It was Jen's first time in Canada and my first time back to Tremblant in almost 8 years! What a fantastic time we had. Jen wrote on my Facebook that she was not only looking forward to the trip itself but the "intense hand holding", music, conversation and laughter.

....Wow.

The drive to Tremblant, with stops, is roughly 8 hours long. It felt like 2 being with Jen. If even. I was almost sad to reach our destinations because we were having so much fun during the drive to/from.

We can talk about anything and everything. We get each other's sense of humor. We feel the intense chemistry when we hold hands or lock eyes. We FEEL the music. We BLAST the music.

This is living.

The first night we stayed in Burlington, VT since I had a review of Sheraton Burlington Resort & Convention Center set up. We even drove through snow, listened to Xmas music and had dinner at the Atlantic Bread Company, but the best part was just being in the hotel room together. Relaxing. Watching movies and just enjoying...each other.

Canada highlights:

Seeing Jen's reaction to the landscape, French signs and French music stations.
Driving over the huge bridge to/fom Montreal! I never thought I would be able to do that, but I sure did! ;)
94.3 Montreal. BEST dance radio station. We discovered some awesome "hot" songs and are both obsessed with Sak Noel's "Loca People" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uinxBnTiwhM&feature=share)
Stopping at a Canadian Walmart.
Seeing Jen's reaction when we stepped foot in Mont Tremblant's enchanting village.
Kissing Jen under the moonlit sky in Tremblant village.
Jen going ZIPLINING!!! :-D
Having the Canadian's not understand what we were saying (especially ordering food) and not being able to understand them.
Our (hosted) lake view suite at beautifulCote' Nord!
Jen asking for directions...3 times!! ;)
Waking up to the breathtaking views of 'Lac Superier'.
The smell of fireplaces!
Checking out the Tremblant casino.
Having dinner at Catherine's Creperie and talking with the waiter, Daniel.
Spending $40+ in the Canadian version of Family Dollar -- 'Dollarama' and having the BEST time doing so! C'raaaazy fun! LOL!
Jen's ladybug hat! ;)
Listening to Dolly Parton and Kenny Roger's 'A Christmas to Remember' on the drive up to Burlington as snow was falling.
Breakfast in St. Jovite (mmm...crepes....lol).
Driving home, in the fog, listening to 'Blue Monday' and 'Twilight Zone', holding hands and feeling like we were in an 80's music video.

It is an amazing feeling to be with someone who not only WANTED to be there with me but appreciated every second.

Such a fantastic trip. The "being hosted" part is all just a bonus! ;)

To think we will be in Quebec City Dec 26-29 at Hotel Le Capitale and then staying at THE ICE HOTEL in Quebec the weekend of Valentine's Day and their Winter Carnival is almost too good to be true! I am so grateful to Out & About Travel for providing these amazing opportunities and to Jennifer for making it all come to life, because it means nothing if you aren't sharing it with the right person! <3 XO

Life's Whispers

2011-12-01T09:30:00.006-05:00

Life whispers, how they creep up on us.

How we choose to ignore.

Until we are ready to listen.

We drone out the noise with our eager positivity.

But life has a way of getting it's way.

Even if we think there are no whispers around us - they are there.

Listen closely.

What is being sung to you?

Maybe as soft as a lullaby.

Does fear make us hit the stop button?

We hit rewind and act dumbfounded.

"I never saw THIS coming."

We can't control the universe.

We can't control destiny.

We can't control our REAL selves.

Our inner desires. wants. needs.

We could control the way we tune in to the signs and whispers in our life.

If you have static....

Change the channel.

Are we are afraid to change the channel and no longer be able to hear the song we love?

But imagine that song playing crystal clear.

Life whispers to us every second of every day.

Life is too short to act as if we don't hear.

Our heart continuously responds - even when we don't verbalize what we are feeling.

Words have the power to teach us.

We take in the sounds through our ears and our hearts respond.

We read words with our eyes and our hearts respond.

When you have an ache over a sound you have heard -- listen to it.

When you have an ache over a word you read -- internalize it.

Don't be afraid to voice your concern.

Don't be afraid to grab hold of the red flag.

Don't be afraid.

Words.

Are life's whispers.

Vocalized. Internalized.

Know who you are.

Know what you need.

Be truthful. Forthright.

Honest.

Find the clear channel and sing loud.

Two Months.....

2011-11-30T15:43:00.002-05:00

I love my girlfriend.

http://enjoylifejw.blogspot.com/2011/11/2-months-wow-mushy-lovey-dovey-alert.html

Looking Back Brings me Forward.....

2011-11-29T09:50:00.012-05:00

When a person's heart breaks you go into survival mode. If you are strong. Other people break down with the broken heart and find solace in alcohol, drugs or some other self medicating means.

This spring, when my heart was broken, I went into survival mode. I cried. I felt sick. I mourned. I tried to make sense of things, but I never really dealt with the actual sadness I was feeling during the end of my relationship. I dealt with the sadness from the breakup, but not the sadness of the months and months of disrespect I allowed myself to endure.

The photo listed below was taken weeks after the break up. Sometime in June 2011.

This photo embodies all the sadness, confusion and betrayal I felt -- and, I am sure -- anger. Looking at this photo is extremely difficult for me, because I can remember EXACTLY how I felt the moment this was taken. I was worn. Beaten down. I had been heartbroken and sad before, but this was a "too the core" type betrayal and cruelty I had NEVER experienced.

For the first couple of months after a breakup you are in a state of shock. The whole, "IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?" thing. Did this person who swore they'd never leave me and would love me forever not only leave but do it in the cruelest way imaginable? Am I really being harassed via email? Are vicious lies really being spread about me? You try to make sense how a person who claimed to love you so much, could hurt you so bad. And what is worse is that after they punch you in the gut -- they continue -- they kick you in the side and punch you in the face - over and over and over again. Black and blue is no red stop sign to them -- it is a green light to keep going.

You don't realize the effect this is having on your psyche when it's happening because all you and your body can focus on is survival. The "I will get through this" process.

I was finally over my ex, truly OVER my ex by August 2011.

This allowed me to open myself up to finding love again. To finding the PERFECT MATCH for me.

The universe led me to my partner, Jennifer.

A beautiful woman whose life has been paralleling mine for many years it seems. Both of us had two very serious relationships. One that lasted 10+ years from age 19-30 and another that lasted 5 years.

Jen and I are compatible on so many levels. The chemistry is off the charts and our mutual interests are limitless. How refreshing to be with someone that makes me feel like that is exactly where they want to be. How refreshing to be with someone who is concerned with their health but not obsessed with the gym or food issues. How refreshing to be with someone who loves music as much as I do and can drives hours on end, music blaring, holding hands and talking. How refreshing to be with someone that can have their interests, as I have mine, and not make me feel that if I don't like what they like, then they will break up with me.

Jennifer is SO....refreshing.

Sometimes you don't realize how dead you were until someone makes you feel so alive.

I was alive but dead inside for the last 2 years of my 5 year relationship with my ex. Especially during the last year.

I lived in constant fear. Fear of being broken up with. Fear of being yelled and sworn at. Fear of being cheated on. Fear of expressing my needs. Fear of not giving into her needs even if they made me uncomfortable. Fear. Fear. Fear. The reason I stayed through all this is because I genuinely loved my ex. With everything in me - I loved her. I did. Regardless of what she has said to me, I like to think she truly loved me too. There were lots of great times mixed in with this madness.

Madness.

What an appropriate word to describe what 2009-2011 was for me. First having my partner move out on me and then sign a lease (for a year) the next day without discussing it with me. Making up only to be "cheated" on less than 2 months later for a brief 4 day whirlwind of confusion that haunted me for the remainder of our time together. Being told "I" was crazy, "irrational", "insecure" blah, blah, blah and then told, "You were right, I have been having feelings for ____insert name here _______ for quite some time." Yeah, this fucks with your head quite honestly. Then to have this person insanely jealous over people you were friendly with and then make up with you 4 days later after the "kiss" incident, and hear them say they could never imagine life without you - REALLY fucks with your head.

Who did I become in that relationship? How could I allow such treatment? Did I accept this because her face was pretty?? No - or maybe?!?!? I did believe her when she apologized and said she needed "help". The way she looked at me when she said she loved me and held, kissed etc., me --- DID make me feel like she loved me.

I should've walked away - for good - in October 2009, but I didn't. I couldn't.

Before long we started talking about moving back in with each other. I thought it was too soon, but after being told that my ex would break up with me if I didn't -- I caved -- and agreed to move to Warren. One of the best choices I ever made (and not because of my partner -- because of Warren itself and my gorgeous apartment).

I tried. God, I tried. I tried to make that relationship work, but my ex was in her own world and chose to not make me a part of it. She distanced herself further and further away from me, until there was nothing left to do but dispose of me and move on to someone else. To have some other need fulfilled. My job position was up.

Breaking up with someone is fine. Painful, but understandable, but HOW you go about doing it.....the MEANS to handling the situation is what matters.

I was abused even AFTER the breakup.

In survival mode I made it through the dark months of (the end of) May, June and July. I made it through by LIVING LIFE even though I was heartbroken. I made it through by the LOVE AND SUPPORT of my family and friends. I had SO many people supporting me. I had an amazing therapist. This all speeded up the process of healing.

I didn't have much time to truly reflect on what had happened prior to the end of the relationship with my ex because no sooner did I step out of survival mode I landed in a new - AMAZING - relationship with, what I believe to be, my forever person. My perfect match.

I had two options. Be stand-offish with this new person I was falling in love with OR open myself up to the relationship and take her along for the ride with me as I healed. Jen, being the type person she is, understanding and supportive, assured me she wasn't going anywhere and understand my situation. This made me OPEN MYSELF to her.

This brings me to where I am today.

Happy. Healthy. In Love. Hopeful. Enthusiastic. Alive.

This doesn't mean I am not still healing (hence this blog post). Nope. I find the more peaceful I become with my life, the more memories creep up and slap me in the face.

I am starting to see my ex like so many others did while we were together.

She really DID say those things to me.

She really DID move out, sign a lease, get back with me, break up to "kiss"? some other woman, get back with me, ask me to move in, threaten me with breakups if I didn't give in to what she wanted, scream/yell/curse at me, make me feel unappreciated, unimportant, needy, insecure, too emotional, etc.,

She really DID leave the front porch light on, candles out, incense, scissors and eyeliner on the counter in the bathroom for me to find when I returned home from Martha's Vineyard after being broken up by text and being told, hours before, that she "missed and loved me."

She really DID spread vicious lies about me. She really DID say she hated and never loved me even though her first sentence in the breakup text read, "Desiree, I love you so much."

She really DID fuck with my mind and emotions.

She really WAS the type person capable of doing this.

She did warn me a week earlier that I didn't have a clue to what she was capable of.

I do now.

How those eyes lied to me. Her smile mocked me. Her arms embraced someone she (maybe) secretly harbored jealousy and contempt for. Her lips kissed someone she would later stab not only in the heart -- but in the back.

I will never understand why, nor do I care to.

I just need to cleanse myself of the shock and disappointment I have in myself for allowing this type treatment for as long as I did.

No face is worth that pain. That type abuse.

No face.

This picture reflects the ME I am TODAY.

I am HAPPY and IN LOVE and ALIVE.

I will never go back to being abused, taken for granted, unappreciated, lied to, mocked -- never.

So, to my ex, I'd like to thank you for teaching me exactly what I I don't ever want again.

The Femme Tomboy

2011-11-28T19:22:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago my girlfriend wrote what being a tomboy femme meant to her. You can find that post on her blog: Riot Grrl (http://www.enjoylifejw.blogspot.com).

I realized I never quite explained what being a femme tomboy meant to me. Exactly what do I mean when I tell people I am a femme tomboy?

Here goes....

* I appreciate femininity in a woman. I am not attracted to butch type woman (very manly). I prefer medium length/long hair. I like a woman who isn't afraid of dresses/heels (like I am), makeup and smelling good. A woman who also doesn't mind "getting her hands dirty" and carry's her femininity over to when she is in casual clothes. I am NOT talking "girly/girl" --- I mean a woman who is feminine yet strong.

* I will never wear a dress, heels, makeup or nylons because I truly would feel like I was in drag, however, I don't mind low-cut sweaters/blouses, pretty colors, cover-up/blush, perfume/cologne, and wearing my hair a length that is "just feminine enough".

* I only shop for men's clothing. Strike that. GAY men's clothing. The clothes I wear are truly gender neutral. I buy pink MEN's sweater's. Pretty blue MEN shirts. If a (feminine) gay man would like it --- chances are, so would I. I do shop for pants/jeans in the woman's dept and have several woman's sneakers. I am VERY careful NOT to buy "butchy" type clothes. I like being a woman. I am VERY womanly. I am just --- a tomboy! ;)

* I feel I was most likely a 1940's stay-at-home-wife-homemaker in another lifetime. I love to clean, bake, shop and decorate. I know NOTHING about plumbing, electrical stuff, car issues, carpentry and will run and scream if I see a bug.

* I would kill the bug that scares me if my girlfriend was afraid. That is when the BOY comes out in my TOM! ;)

* I don't like confrontation and am attracted to more of an aggressive type personality, however, I will protect and defend my partner until my last breath.

* Woman's lingerie makes me blush. I find it very sexy. It is something I could personally never wear but get weak in the knees when others do.

* I love having my partner lay her head on my shoulder or rest her head on my lap.

* I love opening the door for my partner and feel shy/awkward when it's done for me, but appreciative.

* I love when my partner crosses her legs or sits on my lap as these are things I would never feel comfortable doing.

* I am very emotional and can cry/laugh at the drop of a hat. I have no problem expressing my emotions/feelings and am attracted to others who are able to do so as well.

* I love hanging out with my "straight girlfriends" who make me feel like the "gay guy best friend!"

* For bed I love wearing gym pants, sweatshirts, boxers and t's. I will never wear anything frilly, however, I try to match my clothes just in case there is an emergency and we need to leave the house right away.

* I try to match my undies to the shirt I am wearing.

* I take roughly an hour to get ready in the morning.

* I take roughly 15 minutes to get ready before bed.

* I love romance and get all giddy over sweet-little-things.

* I feel awkward giving flowers but don't mind giving them. Tulips are my favorite.

* I prefer grilling to cooking indoors.

* I love romantic comedies and dislike action/adventure.

* I find a woman who can fix a car, kill a bug, move and/or assemble furniture and take initiative extremely sexy! ;)

* I LOVE muscle cars and think a cross country road trip with my girlfriend and music blearing would be a dream come true.

* I compare myself more to men than woman --- unless she is Ellen Degeneres...lol. Damn that woman has some cool sneakers and ties! ;)

* I can appreciate a good looking man and have no problem gushing over men, however, I find it more difficult and disrespectful to my partner to do the same over a woman. With men it is an "admiration" -- a quality I would like for myself. With woman it would be just because I find them hot. Period.

* When my partner flirts with me I lose all sense of control and forget how to speak and find it almost impossible to make eye contact. It drives me wild ---- and I love it!

* I love a woman who takes care of herself. Emotionally and physically. I don't care what the person's weight is -- as long as they truly take an interest and care about themselves.

* I love a woman who can show her vulnerable side and make me feel needed.

* I love being flirted with by my partner.

* As much as I would like a smaller "chest", I must say, I am quite fond of my cleavage.

* I only wear what I consider to be "girly flannel" - lol.

* I love to flip a scarf. Nothing like a good scarf flip.

This pretty much sums everything up. Basically I am probably more girly on the inside then those woman who appear more feminine on the outside.

I have always been drawn to "softer type" guys as well. The whole "brawn" thing does nothing for me, so obviously it wouldn't in woman either. Make sense? :)

Yeah. I'm just a tomboy or as lyrics from my song "Straight Girls" goes: "I'm just a girl who likes a girl who wears a skirt."

;) ;)

How to Stroke an Ego - Lesson # 1

2011-11-28T07:36:00.000-05:00

Here is an excerpt from an article I found about "how to flirt with a butch".

Now let me first say: a.) I am in a happily, committed relationship with the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with and b.) I am not, never will be and have never considered myself to be "butch". With that said, this article can still apply to tomboy's like myself and, well, pretty much anyone else when it comes to the fine art of flirting.

I truly got a kick out of this and found myself smiling and saying: "YUP!" a lot of the time! ;)

I guess all that is to say, that you may be gorgeous and perfectly stating your case but we might still blow it. We want you, but the words just don’t make it out because you are just too damned hot and we are temporarily… well retarded. Women do that to us from time to time. Anyhow if you wanted to hit on me in any setting, here is what you do. Come up to me with a smile and cheerfully say hello. Tell me your name. Ask me my name. Compliment me or comment on something I am doing or holding. Don’t ask me for help with any type of task because I will think our conversation is functional. I will not assume you are hitting on me. Ask me my opinion on something you are about to buy and I will assume you are hitting on me. If you are wearing something rainbow, yes I will notice it but not all straight girls know what the rainbow means. Worst case scenario you could just ask me out or even tell me you are a femme and it is hard to meet butchies like me so you just wanted to come up and say hello and see if I would like a new friend.

Yes there are straight butches but they are more rare than high femme lesbians. It is not likely you are running into one of those. Don’t be forward, just be honest and sweet and I will notice. If it was me, this is what I would want. There is plenty of time to play hard to get in the butch/femme mating dance. If you play it in the beginning, you likely will end up at a dead end faster than you know it. However, if you don’t mind being the aggressor at first then you might just find the butch you want.

If none of this works then just chalk it up to the fact that the butch you thought you wanted is a weenie and probably couldn’t handle your sexy self anyway. If I was single and a woman came up to me saying those things and I found her attractive I would definitely capitalize on it. Then you can play hard to get when I am trying to bed you down. There is no rule that just because you show a butchie that you are interested in getting to know them means you want to sleep with them. And just because you are a femme does not mean a butch will be attracted to you. Femmes flirt with and hit on me all the time whether I am single or attached but that does not mean I am interested in them either. They may just not be my type physically or spiritually. Just because femmes are rare does not mean I am so desperate that I will jump at the first femme who shows me interest either. I am a good catch too ya know. I am sure many butchies feel just like I do. And if they are desperate, then that’s a mess you just don’t want to touch.

If you are femme you are like a chameleon. You blend into the scenery as something you may not be. Sometimes you might just have to purposely change your colors to stand out and be noticed. And by that I don’t mean change your physical appearance. But for fucks sake speak up and let a butchie know you are there! We notice the ones who do.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

Lez-Be-Honest

2011-11-26T14:26:00.001-05:00

Blogs are funny. They are meant to be an avenue of expression. A place where you can be OPEN and HONEST and CREATIVE, but I wonder just how many people actually do that?

We all know people are going to read our blog. People including family and friends. This causes an automatic filter to go up. We try to word things appropriately instead of just letting lose and writing exactly what we want to say (be it curse words, serious emotions, anger etc.,).

I try to write blogs that express exactly what I am feeling, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I filter myself. Ugh. This drives me crazy.

I would love to just type every word, thought, feeling without filtering myself. Maybe, in time, I will. How liberating would that be?

I can give it a practice run:

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Mind racing with thoughts. Stomach unhappy with several food choices made. Heart heavy with worry and burdensome thoughts. Replay of happy and sad times. Thought of family members I haven't seen in awhile. Lots of worry going on in my mind last night about finances - work - business woe's. I felt hot and then cold. Arm fell asleep. The quiet was so loud I almost wanted to blear music. Went to bed around 12am. Woke up at 3am. Tried to sleep. Woke up at 4am. Thinking about updating web site, promoting my business, writing reviews, working on price quotes ---- staying afloat. Tight chested. Then I felt gratitude and peace and love and happiness and snapped out of the worry and felt relaxed again.

I was up and working by 7:30am and back in bed with a pounding head and unhappy tummy at 10am. I was back up at 11am writing reviews and working on my web site. Tried to turn off the thoughts to clean. Turn off the thoughts to re-decorate my office. Turn off the thoughts of everything else but --- work. I was pretty successful I am happy to say.

I wanted to get my hair cut but work took top priority today so I will wait until Monday. When my hair reaches a certain length/thickness I become disturbed....lol. Hair and bridges ---- stress.

I had a cupcake for breakfast and regret for lunch.

There is so much I want to be doing right now. Did I mention cleaning? Taking Reed for a long walk. I hate days where all I do is sit and work. I need and crave activity.

It's amazing the amount of work I do and the lack of financial freedom I feel.

Again. Worry.

But -- each year is about re-invention. Both personally and work wise. I will re-invent Out & About Travel. It will grow and be better than ever. Failure isn't an option when it comes to my business. I may have tough times but that only teaches me what I am doing wrong and points me in the right direction. Out & About Travel is the thing I am most proud of in my life. I can't control life situations that have pushed it aside at times, but it is always with me and has always "had my back" --- It is one of my true loves.

So today I am feeling antsy, worried yet enthusiastic, feeling like I desperately need a hair cut, craving healthy food and gallons of water, feeling the need to be active, trying to drown out the sad/worrisome thoughts and focus on the love and good fortune I have been blessed with.

A nice, fat commission check would make me even happier if I am being honest here....

But peace of mind, love and peace truly makes me the HAPPIEST.

How is that for honesty?

Sad Echo

2011-11-23T08:35:00.001-05:00

Let me start by saying that I harbor no hate or resentment toward anybody on this day before Thanksgiving 2011. No. I have made peace with the cards this year has dealt me and my heart has mended from the pain and shock of the spring. With that said do I have an echo of sadness somewhere in the back of my heart and mind? Yes. The question is why? I am clearly in love with a beautiful, wonderful woman. I have amazing friends and family and I sincerely love my life. I am happy in ways I never thought would be possible. I was pretty convinced last spring that this holiday season would be the worst of my life, and that couldn't be further from the truth.

So what is this echo of sadness and slight ache I feel in my heart coming from? I am searching desperately for a way to express it.

You know when you care about an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs? You know that the person and situation isn't good for you and that you need to remove yourself from it, but you are haunted, in a sense, with the sadness for "them" and what they must be going through to be self destructing and causing so much pain in others lives, many times without regret. This is the best way to describe what I am feeling.

I was hurt bad this spring by someone I TRULY cared about and loved deeply. Someone I believed in and supported. I thought I would die and that my life would never be "okay" again. It wasn't just the end of a relationship that hurt me, it was HOW it was done and the AFTERMATH that just kept knocking me out. I can remember saying to my therapist, family and friends that someone really must be "hurting" inside to cause so much pain to someone so carelessly. With no regrets. No remorse. No concern for THEIR actions. I was always making excuses for the treatment I was receiving.

Well...up until the end of July/early August that is.

That is when I WOKE UP and finally "got it" ------ even if a person is struggling with personal issues, they still have control over their ACTIONS each second of every day. We consciously choose whether or not to hurt someone. If we can "act okay" in one situation, then we should be able to "act okay" (and respectful) in ALL situations, especially to those who simply loved and supported us.

Bottom line is --- there is and will never be an excuse for how I was treated.

The second I accepted this, I was able to truly move on and find happiness again.

But what that left me with is a "sad echo" for a person I feel concern for. This doesn't mean anything except that.

The more fortunate I feel with my life and the security and love that surrounds me, the more I feel an ache for anyone who isn't fortunate enough to have what I have.

It is just who I am. I cannot help it.

I wish I could turn the echo off and "forget" -- but I can't.

I remember the goodness in people more than the bad.

This could be one of the reasons I get hurt so easily or am an easy target for people who need to hurt others to feel some sort of release inside from their own inner turmoil.

I look around and I feel SO BLESSED. Did I think I would be where I am this Thanksgiving LAST Thanksgiving? No. However, the funny thing is, I can't even REMEMBER what I did last Thanksgiving. I am sure I wasn't made to feel as special as I do this year. I am sure I wasn't made to feel important, valued, loved and adored. From my family and friends? Sure! But from the person I thought I'd be with forever? No. Life's whispers.

This year I am finally with someone I feel is with me simply because they love me. It isn't because I am "what they need" right now or that I "serve a purpose" for their advancement. Nope. It is because this person just. loves. me.

I have chemistry AND I have a genuine friendship. Who knew???

This Thanksgiving is turning out to be one of the best of my life.

A loving partner. A cozy apartment. Loving family, friends and pets.

And....
The ability, after all the pain and hurt, to forgive and feel the "sad echo" - momentarily - before stepping out of those thoughts.......and back into happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving.

November 2011

2011-11-21T12:09:00.000-05:00

My November so far....

Girlyman

2011-11-16T08:28:00.000-05:00

Girlyman put on an amazing concert Nov 12th at Narrow Center for the Arts!

Two of my favorite songs....

I Love My Girlfriend

2011-11-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

Jen is quite the pool player! <3

November 11, 2011

I Love Dane Cook!!

2011-11-10T13:24:00.002-05:00

LOL! ROFL! LMAO!

2011-11-10T13:06:00.002-05:00

Because some posts deserve to be reposted.

http://whoistravelgirl.blogspot.com/2008/07/beware-fucking-bad-language-ahead.html

My Unbroken Spirit

2011-11-09T15:38:00.000-05:00

MY UNBROKEN SPIRIT

You were a shot to my ego - and then you shot my ego.

You were a smile that once inspired me - and then a smile that left me uninspired.

You were an embrace that offered warmth - and then an embrace that was ice cold.

You were a laugh that laughed with me - and then a laugh that laughed at me.

You once provided tears of happiness - and then provided tears that destroyed my happiness

You use to make me feel strong - and then it took all my strength to survive you.

You use to be light in my life - and then you turned to darkness.

You thought you controlled me - but you proved how in control of myself I truly am.

You once were what I considered love - but you have lead me to what I KNOW to be real love.

You once seemed so strong - but your strength is weakness in hiding.

You once thought you could break my spirit.....

.... but my spirit remains unbroken.

Romantic Weekend Getaway

2011-11-08T03:05:00.001-05:00

Romantic Weekend Getaway - Kearsarge Inn + Horsefeathers - North Conway, NH

My Forever Person

2011-11-04T11:22:00.015-04:00

All my life I use to wonder what it would feel like to meet the person you know you were destined to be with? I would always listen, enviously, to those who said "they just knew" when they met that the person would be their future wife and/or husband.

I've longed for that for many years.

I am 35 years old and I finally know what that feels like.

I knew it almost instantaneously. At the beginning that was frightening, but now it is exciting and provides me with an inner peace I have never known in my entire life. This inner peace comes because of the mutuality of my relationship with Jennifer.

When I am apart from her, I not only miss her, I worry about her because the thought of something (God forbid) happening to her scares me beyond belief.

She is my forever person. My soul mate.

I found her.

Everyone should be so lucky.

And now that I have found her, I will cherish and love her with everything I have inside me.

I will never let her go or take her for granted.

We are truly on "the same page". Not just in our feelings for each other, but our morals, goals and outlook on life.

We have FUN with each other. We ENJOY each other, but most importantly --- we RESPECT each other.

I look at her and my heart aches with love.

I will respect her and be her best friend.

I will support and encourage her in road she goes down in life.

..... knowing that she will appreciate me in return.

What a beautiful feeling.

Jennifer Walsh was worth the wait......

November 4, 2011

2011-11-04T10:51:00.002-04:00

Are you making each moment count?

2011-11-02T10:42:00.001-04:00