The Femme Tomboy: February 2013

You know that voice that whispers inside you? The voice that most of us ignore and some of us, sometimes, listen to. Well, that voice kept whispering to me while I was on part one of my honeymoon.

Jen and I ventured off to Quebec City for 3 nights to kick off our honeymoon and then had a 2+ week road trip south to Key West, New Orleans etc., planned, however, that part has been put on hold.

Why?

Two reasons, really.

First, I was having major tooth issues and was terribly uncomfortable sleeping on hotel beds and second, a voice kept telling me to HEAD HOME and FOCUS ON HEALTH ISSUES.

Honestly I could have fought through the tooth pain until I got home, but the inner voice was just TOO LOUD. Jennifer and I came to the conclusion that we were MEANT to head home for a reason.

Key West wasn't going anywhere and we both really wanted to focus on HEALTH and feeling better so that when we do go on our honeymoon this spring, we will enjoy EVERY second.

This photo was taken the day we turned around from Virginia to head home from our honeymoon -January 10th. I got the text that my ex had cancer on Friday, January 11th.

Little did I know I would get a very sad, disheartening text from a friend in regard to my ex the next morning.

My ex had cancer.

Cancer.

What? Wait. Stop. Rewind. WTF??????

How is that even possible considering she is THEE most healthy person I have ever know and 11 years younger than me (I am 36).

Everything sort of went into slow motion. I couldn't believe it. I instantly googled the type cancer and felt my heart beat faster and eyes fill up with tears.

Even though this relationship ended in the most horrendous way possible, and the most awful, hideous, outrageous lies were told about me, I still found it in my heart to forgive, truly forgive my ex, quite some time ago. I made peace with the fact that I know who I am as a person, how I TRULY treated and loved my ex and chalked up all the lies and false accusations to something she needed to do to move on.

So let it be.

I am happy enough with my own life to basically brush this off, shrug my shoulders and turn a blind eye to it.

I meant it when I said I loved her unconditionally and the treatment prior, during and after the break up obviously had proven this.

I guess it was one sided though.

Anyway -

It was if all of the craziness of the past year and a half went out the window and my # 1 focus was BEING THERE for her. After all, this is what you do when you truly care about someone.

Was THIS the reason why Jennifer and I turned around from our honeymoon?????

I can't help but think --- yes.

I couldn't imagine receiving this news on our honeymoon.

Talk about a downer. Ugh.

Without second thought I sent a text to my ex confirming what I heard was true and for a brief time, it seemed as if we had connected again in a very civil, kind way. This made me happy.

To make a long story short, during this month, I have found out that my name has actually been dragged through the dirt more than I even imagined.

Sigh.

Why? I want to ask my ex, face to face, looking her in the eyes - WHY????

Why lie about me? :( Why lie about someone who treated you (and I quote) "better than anyone"?

Luckily I no longer care as I once did.

The concern was on a complete friendship level. I simply wanted to BE THERE for her. Help her heal. Laugh. Get strong again. Help with errands. Chores. Be the friend I always was to her through our (almost) 5 year relationship.

My offer of friendship was declined.

I understand why. I could blow one's cover after all.

How could this "awful bad person" be so kind to her?

The hole was dug too deep and having me around would maybe confuse too many NEW people in her life.

I get it.

It's too bad because I (and my family - and even my wife) truly felt compassion towards her and wanted to be there.

No one can say I didn't try. I sent text messages. I sent a card. I sent gifts.

Turned away.

Nothing more I can do.

I was able to clear up my name a bit which felt REALLY good and quite validating, so whoever above is responsible for that gift - THANK YOU.

My ex's cancer has SLAPPED, no - PUNCHED me in the face in regard to my own health.

I have read two books on cancer this past week alone.

I have learned more about the effects food and stress play on your life and cancer metastasizing.

Things like harboring guilt, unexpressed feelings, unanswered questions, sadness -- they all play a role in cancer forming and "coming to life".

The foods we eat, our activity level, our environment ---- all play part in many cancers being prevented.

Unfortunately the type cancer my ex has is one that couldn't be prevented.

It sucks and it breaks my heart but I know.....with every fiber of being in me.....that she will beat this and be back to the strong, independent woman she is.

This is a life lesson she will master and grow from, in every sense. I just know it.

She has way too much life ahead of her.

I sometimes wonder how things would be if I was still with her.

I know I would put my life on hold, well, most of it, to take care of her.

That is just who I am. That is how I would be as a friend too, but maybe I am not meant to be part of this lesson.

I am taking a lot from this though, personally.

I have been changing my eating habits --- and trying to only buy organic produce, meats etc., --- I am doing my BEST. I am (and will never be) perfect, but I can be BETTER.

I am building up my energy and immune system which has been knocked out since the fall.

My energy is slowly but surely coming back and I anticipate, after my oral surgery on Tuesday, I will be feeling MUCH better. My sleep should improve which will = more energy which will = more time at the gym and LIVING life.

Ironically this year makes 10 years my mother has been cancer free.

Cancer free.

Wow.

Early detection is everything. I keep telling myself this. My mother caught the cancer before it had invaded anything and after a hysterectomy -- was cancer free. No chemo or radiation needed.

I wish I was as brave as my mother.

This lesson with my ex may teach me is to be better with Dr appointments.

Cancer is just a scary, sucky ---- reality.

1 out of 3 people will get cancer.

So why not do everything in your power to try and prevent what you can? Of course certain cancers cannot be prevented, such as blood cancers, but many like cervical, lung and skin cancer can. Simple diet changes and increase in activity will help.

Also, living a calm, stress-free, peaceful, HONEST life - void of lies, guilt, anger, unsuppressed emotions is critical.

Taking time to BREATH, LAUGH, LIVE is crucial.

What else matters if you don't have your health? Nothing.

How do you have good health? By treating your body - both emotionally and physically like a temple.

Re-access what is important.

Life is too short to do otherwise.

What I have learned in 36 years of life is that my personal relationships mean EVERYTHING to me.

My wife. My friends. My family. My pets. Acquaintances.

These relationships mean EVERYTHING to me.

Living life and enjoying the simple things like - travel, cooking, music, a good movie, good book, conversation is what makes life worthwhile. At least to me.

I thank God I have a partner that keeps my personal stress levels at ZERO.

She is so good to me.

It didn't take me long to get use to that! ;)

And I am just as good to her.

Her peace and happiness are equally important as mine.

We have such a peaceful, loving home -- surrounded by our array of pets! lol!

Work is awesome and personally rewarding more than ever lately, but its our snuggle time at night, on the couch, watching a movie while holding hands that give me the most pleasure in my day.

Feeling Reed laying across both our laps and cats all over us (literally) puts us in an absolutely meditative state! :)

There is no one else in life we prefer to be with --- than each other.

We are each other's best friend.

Best friend's with chemistry = perfection! ;)

My point?

To me, what matters most in life, is exactly what I have......love.

In keeping with my (hopeful) cancer prevention, I am sure this peace I am surrounded with, will help aid my calm state, especially inside my (always turbulent) tummy.

For my part I need to definitely eat more organic, whole foods and stop - as much as possible - eating anything processed. Hard as hell - just sayin.

I need to be active DAILY.

I need to make more Dr. appointments and stop being a wuss with that! lol

My ex's journey is inspiring if not sad.

I am inspired to live a healthier life now, but sad for what this young woman has to endure.

Sad I cannot be there for her.

Just....sad.

Which is normal.

One wouldn't expect me to be happy about this??

As a matter of fact, this has effected me so much, I am seeking out therapy.

No one should suffer with cancer, but to have someone that was once SO close to me, such a part of my life, and so young - healthy - be effected - has just - shocked my system.

Everything happens for a reason.

I guess.

I can say that, even though I haven't had cancer, I HAVE been sick since as young as I can remember with one thing or another related to my stomach. Hours in the bathroom, nauseous, extremely lethargic, dizzy, weak --- you name it. My "spells" come and go and seem to be "stress triggered".

Although I do not know what a cancer patient being treated with chemo / radiation goes through personally, I can say I do know what those side effects must feel like and my heart breaks.

I have spent 20+ hours in the bathroom. I recently had gastritis, similar to pancreaitis, which caused the most intense stomach pain/burning that I thought I would - die. I couldn't eat anything but carbs for over a month and even that hurt.

I spent most of my 20's nauseous. Weak. Tired. Dizzy.

Sigh. I get it.

In some way, that is....I get it. No one without cancer will ever understand unless they are in that EXACT position.

But you know what? I made and continue to make it through --- smile on my face and I know my ex will too.

So, yes.

Stress.

But this month, through all the sleepless nights, tossing & turning, nightmares, tears and overall (situational) saddness --- I am starting to finally feel better!

In my heart I know my ex will be okay.

In my heart I know my ex doesn't hate me.

In my heart I know I am surrounded by love and my mission in life is to share that.

To be strong for not only myself, but the people who need me.

I will find courage more and more each day.

I am blessed. Truly blessed.

Wow, okay, so I haven't written in awhile. It has been a very crazy month to say the least.

Lots of wonderful things and some not-so-wonderful things. As so goes life.

First I would like to share the wonderful things, like - MY WEDDING.

My marriage to the most amazing, beautiful, kind, loving woman ever, Jennifer Sousa-Walsh.

Our wedding was magical in ever sense of the word.

The snowstorm that struck the day before, on December 29th, was a GIFT as it decorated everything in a beautiful blanket of white. Yes, it did cause some people to not make the drive all the way to West Brookfield, MA but the people who did show up, were SO appreciated and had a fantastic time!

To be surrounded by such love, peace and kindness is something I wish for EVERYONE.

I was lucky enough to have both my parents there, as was Jennifer. Unfortunately Jen's brother, my brother in-law Patrick, was not there physically but in spirit for sure.

The ceremony was gorgeous. Our vows breathtaking. The food delicious. Dancing fun and I actually LIKE our wedding photos thanks to the amazing photographer, Carol.

When I think of the people that were there to celebrate our special day, I feel all emotional, in a happy, fuzzy sort of way. Everyone from my ex, April, who is like a best friend/sister and Pam, who I have known since I was 11 years old (and also my "best woman"). Jennifer had her "best woman" - Jen, there (also a childhood friend) and, wow, just a plethora of people who truly love us.

We are blessed. This goes without saying.

And believe me, not a second goes by where we don't appreciate this.

We DESERVE each other.

Here are some wedding photos.

The Wedding of Desiree & Jennifer Sousa-Walsh

December 30, 2012